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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she ought to have let me have it?

835 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 11:21

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it.
The charity shop still has a utterly daft one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up.
The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it.

AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

OP posts:
Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 13:03

Ok well I’ve gone from being unlucky at missing out on something that I really could have done with to rude, entitled, selfish, manipulative, calculated and god knows how many other personal attacks, so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day.

OP posts:
terrifa · 11/10/2021 13:04

Reverse.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2021 13:05

@AngeloMysterioso

First come first served so fuck you, is a bit of a twatty attitude imo

I agree, but it’s an attitude shared by the majority of people on this thread, apparently.

It's shared by you too though. You think you were entitled to the bag because you saw it first.
skybluee · 11/10/2021 13:05

Why does it matter if anyone saw it yesterday or today?

You're saying she should have let you have it, but why shouldn't you have let her have it?

Jasmine11 · 11/10/2021 13:05

I can see why you are annoyed, but the other woman didn't do anything wrong. If you are so strapped for cash you can't afford a backpack and yours is falling apart, why are you having another child? (apologies if this is due to contraception failure!). Something like this or any other generic backpack would work fine as a changing bag. Or was the one you saw a desirable brand at a great price - if that's the case you can't blame the other mother for snapping it up. You almost seem like you are accusing the mother of the bag buyer for getting in your way on purpose. I think the voting results show you are being unreasonable, but I wish you all the luck in your quest for a new bag :)

Squeakycatflap · 11/10/2021 13:05

This would make a great telenovella…

If you tracked her down, made friends, and then offed her with a poisoned paella.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 11/10/2021 13:07

@AngeloMysterioso

Good on her for not backing down, because many people would have felt guilty into handing the bag over. Learn some manners.

I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners.

What’s the difference between her wanting the bag and you wanting the bag? She got there first, you say you got there first.

Explain how you are a nicer person for thinking you’re more entitled to a bag which someone else picked up first and why she’s a “dick” for picking up a bag and buying it.

OverweightCakeBaker · 11/10/2021 13:08

But how much was the bag?

takealettermsjones · 11/10/2021 13:10

Ok well I’ve gone from being unlucky at missing out on something that I really could have done with to rude, entitled, selfish, manipulative, calculated and god knows how many other personal attacks, so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day.

It's a bit rich to moan that you've had "personal attacks" when you have literally called the other woman a dick, and then said that nobody on this thread is a nice person, that we all have a twatty attitude and that you despair for humanity.

Maybe don't dish it out if you can't take it?

PeppermintMocha · 11/10/2021 13:11

@AngeloMysterioso

Good on her for not backing down, because many people would have felt guilty into handing the bag over. Learn some manners.

I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners.

You were taught it is good manners to demand that someone else gives you what you want? Surely good manners would be for you - such a nice kind person all the time - to swallow your disappointment and think that it is a lovely thing for this woman to get a bag that she might have really wanted despite your wish to have it too, and to smile at her and say you hope she enjoys it.
MRex · 11/10/2021 13:13

If you're that strapped for cash OP, you'd do better looking for a free bag on Facebook marketplace / Freecycle; I can see 3 free ones just in my local area as well as a raft of them for £5-10. Be aware that if you don't arrange to pick it up quickly, they will give it to someone who will.

CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther · 11/10/2021 13:13

There is no point trying to argue with the OP

Well you were right about that. OPs last comments before she flounced off were still her bleating about how nice and kind and good-mannered she is despite having it explained to her how she was being unreasonable.

vivainsomnia · 11/10/2021 13:13

Wouldn't say that was some utopian vision, but fairly normal behaviour where I come from. Brief interaction to decide who needs it most
Except that OP has already shown here she was a bit flex with the truth and believes in her entitlement so I'm sure she would have managed to come up with all the reasons why she was the one most in need regardless of the other person's circumstances.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/10/2021 13:15

Why didn't you buy it and put some of the other stuff you were carrying into it?

I can see it was frustrating for you, but you had no "dibs" on it. And TBH, I greatly doubt that you really would have given it to another shopper if they had said that to you.

TheKeatingFive · 11/10/2021 13:16

The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

I still don't understand why you think clapping eyes on it the day before gave you any rights to it?

Offmyfence · 11/10/2021 13:16

@AngeloMysterioso

Ok well I’ve gone from being unlucky at missing out on something that I really could have done with to rude, entitled, selfish, manipulative, calculated and god knows how many other personal attacks, so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day.
You have called people dicks and they they are unkind. Whilst insisting you are "kind".
Bigeggsinapackoften · 11/10/2021 13:16

@AngeloMysterioso

Ok well I’ve gone from being unlucky at missing out on something that I really could have done with to rude, entitled, selfish, manipulative, calculated and god knows how many other personal attacks, so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day.
But you’ve been similarly rude about the other women?
moresugarpls · 11/10/2021 13:18

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

This.

Unfortunately I have a sibling with the same hard up/entitlement complex. It’s manipulative.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 13:18

What I don’t understand is op you keep saying you’d have handed it over. But when faced with someone who already had it you wanted it from them, the last thing you’re demonstrating is how nice you are and how you’d have given it to her.

Because if that was the case you’d have said nothing and not started an outraged thread going on about her whilst bigging your own altruism uo.

cutebutscary · 11/10/2021 13:18

I really need to know what nappy bag it is to have caused so much inner turmoil ?! I want the damn bag myself now

PeppermintMocha · 11/10/2021 13:19

@AngeloMysterioso

Ok well I’ve gone from being unlucky at missing out on something that I really could have done with to rude, entitled, selfish, manipulative, calculated and god knows how many other personal attacks, so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day.
Sometimes your pride taking a bit of a beating can be a good thing, as you realise that maybe you aren't who you always thought.

It's OK to admit that we aren't always the most kind, generous, unselfish people in the world, and sometimes we do want something for ourselves. And it's disappointing and frustrating not to get that. Totally understandable, and honest.

AnyOldPrion · 11/10/2021 13:20

In your position, I wouldn’t have asked, but would have waited in silence, deliberately not showing any interest, hoping she’d put it down. I think the moment you told her you wanted it, you increased its value in her eyes and potentially made her more likely to buy it, because some people are odd that way.

I don’t think she was particularly unreasonable to have taken it though. Bit shit, but there you go.

Threebillygoatsgruff · 11/10/2021 13:20

I am sorry you missed out OP. But she picked it up first so she's not in the wrong. I think you were a bit unlucky there, which is a shame. If I really wanted something and didn't have armspace I'd have made a decision to ditch something thats on my arm to get something else that I may otherwise miss out on or is a good bargain. Unfortunately you chose the things on your arms over the bag on the shelf so now you have to live with that decision. I hope you find an equally lovely changing bag soonFlowers

WandaVision2 · 11/10/2021 13:20

This is the most entitled thread I’ve come across in a long time!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 11/10/2021 13:20

OP in the gentlest way, as virtually everyone has said, YABVU.
We've all been in the situation of spotting something, for whatever reason not buying it, then going back for it only to find it's gone or sold out. It's tough, and often makes you want the thing even more. However, it is irrational to blame anyone who bought the item before you, they're just going about their life. I think it was unreasonable to even put that woman in the situation of you expecting her to hand the bag over just because you saw the bag the day before. It sucks OP, but the woman did nothing wrong, I actually think you shouldn't have said anything to her, she is under no obligation to give the bag to you, it's not even a question of being 'nice', as I don't think it was nice of you to ask. Good luck finding another bag OP x