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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she ought to have let me have it?

835 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 11:21

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it.
The charity shop still has a utterly daft one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up.
The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it.

AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

OP posts:
JoieDeLivres · 13/10/2021 16:13

@TheKeatingFive

OP put a bunch of other people’s needs before her own by waiting in line rather than pushing in

Well this is ridiculous. Not pushing in is basic manners, not self sacrificing behaviour.

Anyone else wondering if the OP name changed? 😆

No name change, just another person reading 27 pages of character assassination and thinking that’s a bit much, I’m going to offer a different perspective. Probably quite a few of us out there!
Biancadelrioisback · 13/10/2021 16:14

If you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow? If the response had been “I’m really sorry but I need one and this is ideal” then fair enough. She was holding it at the time, bad luck OP. But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me.

But the other lady doesn't owe OP any explanation as to why she deserved the bag more. She saw it, liked it, picked it up, wanted it and then some complete stranger told her that she also wanted it.
The other woman had absolutely no idea if OP really had come back in for it was just chancing her luck.

TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 16:16

No name change, just another person reading 27 pages of character assassination and thinking that’s a bit much

Oh please Grin

What part of the rules of retail do you not understand? The OP never had any claim on that bag, because no one has a claim on something in a shop until they hand over money for it.

Clapping eyes on it the day before doesnt actually mean anything.

Fraine · 13/10/2021 16:21

@TheKeatingFive

OP put a bunch of other people’s needs before her own by waiting in line rather than pushing in

Well this is ridiculous. Not pushing in is basic manners, not self sacrificing behaviour.

Anyone else wondering if the OP name changed? 😆

No, she’s been around a long time and I doubt would stoop to that.
SoupDragon · 13/10/2021 16:25

If you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow?

Easily.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 13/10/2021 16:26

How does the woman know the op was telling the truth?

Offmyfence · 13/10/2021 16:30

Because she wasn't a cow, she was just the purchaser of a second hand change bag. Raising money for the charity!

JumperandJacket · 13/10/2021 16:32

I think you have to remember that the woman doesn’t know that backstory at all. From what OP said, I wouldn’t have gathered that the OP had seen the bag on a previous occasion and returned to town specifically to buy it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 17:21

Big massive moo cow 🤣
Asif this poor woman had any need whatsoever to plead her case to someone who was trying to guilt her into handing it over!
She didn't tell op to fuck off, she simply gave her tale of woe the attention it deserved.
None.
I'd have shrugged too, in sheer bewilderment at op's front.

TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 17:25

I'd have shrugged too, in sheer bewilderment at op's front.

Me too. I'd be bemused at what relevance her seeing the bag yesterday had for me, standing in line trying to buy the thing.

lazylinguist · 13/10/2021 17:26

"I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners."

I actually think it was pretty bad-mannered of you to say to the woman "I saw that yesterday and was coming back to buy it". She was innocently making a purchase in a shop. You tried to guilt her into letting you have something that she was legitimately buying. In your situation I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything about it - I'd have just let it go as bad luck. Because I'm one of those people and was taught that was bad manners!

Serrina · 13/10/2021 19:11

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

I think the OP's name must be Karen
Bigeggsinapackoften · 13/10/2021 20:22

Please don’t use that horrible insult.

tigger1001 · 13/10/2021 20:24

"f you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow? If the response had been “I’m really sorry but I need one and this is ideal” then fair enough. She was holding it at the time, bad luck OP. But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me."

I strongly disagree. The op tried to guilt trip the shopper into letting them have the bag. The shopper had the bag and owed the op zero in the way of a reason to why she should buy it instead of the op.

Why should she have believed the op? People pull that kind of thing all the time because they feel entitled.

The shopper wasn't being a cow. She didn't pull the bag out of the op's hands and rush to the till. It's very likely she was taken aback by the brass neck of someone trying to guilt her out of her purchase.

Stoppochoco · 13/10/2021 20:53

"if you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow? If the response had been “I’m really sorry but I need one and this is ideal” then fair enough. She was holding it at the time, bad luck OP. But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me."
I agree with that, its not necessarily that the op is entitled to the bag, it's the attitude of the other customer, in that moment that made her a cow.
The op had her heart set on the bag, had made a special journey to get it and was pipped to the post, by someone else. She's perfectly entitled to feel disappointed and her disappointment was met with indifference, so I can understand why she felt hurt by the other customers reaction.
And we don't know what is going on in the ops life, losing out on the bag might seem trivial to some, but it might have been last in a long list of disappointments. I think this thread is quite unpleasant and nasty to read.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 21:02

her disappointment was met with indifference
From a total stranger? Well, of course it was 🤦‍♀️

DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 21:06

her disappointment was met with indifference

Would you have preferred it if Bag Lady had brushed a tear from her eye and whispered, "I'm so sorry, I know how terrible this is for you, it's awful for me too", and sobbed all the way to the till?

Stoppochoco · 13/10/2021 21:08

@DrSbaitso

her disappointment was met with indifference

Would you have preferred it if Bag Lady had brushed a tear from her eye and whispered, "I'm so sorry, I know how terrible this is for you, it's awful for me too", and sobbed all the way to the till?

No.
TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 21:09

The op had her heart set on the bag, had made a special journey to get it and was pipped to the post, by someone else.

And how on earth was the poor woman in question supposed to know all that?

I think this thread is quite unpleasant and nasty to read.

I think people need to work on their social awareness. People cannot expect to read
your mind

tigger1001 · 13/10/2021 21:10

@Stoppochoco

"if you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow? If the response had been “I’m really sorry but I need one and this is ideal” then fair enough. She was holding it at the time, bad luck OP. But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me." I agree with that, its not necessarily that the op is entitled to the bag, it's the attitude of the other customer, in that moment that made her a cow. The op had her heart set on the bag, had made a special journey to get it and was pipped to the post, by someone else. She's perfectly entitled to feel disappointed and her disappointment was met with indifference, so I can understand why she felt hurt by the other customers reaction. And we don't know what is going on in the ops life, losing out on the bag might seem trivial to some, but it might have been last in a long list of disappointments. I think this thread is quite unpleasant and nasty to read.
Really?

The op is entitled to feel disappointed. She was not entitled to make someone else feel guilty. She is not entitled to have a stranger make her feel better about that disappointment. She was being very cheeky and rude at asking for the bag. Her behaviour was very entitled.

It's funny you say that no one knows what else is going on in the op's life (true) while calling someone else a cow for buying a bag in a shop. You don't know what was going on in their life either. But decided she was being a cow. For completing a purchase in a shop.....

Stoppochoco · 13/10/2021 21:11

@GreyhoundG1rl

her disappointment was met with indifference From a total stranger? Well, of course it was 🤦‍♀️
I can muster up a range of expressions, including empathy even when speaking to strangers. How odd that you can't.
Stoppochoco · 13/10/2021 21:22

The op is entitled to feel disappointed. She was not entitled to make someone else feel guilty. She is not entitled to have a stranger make her feel better about that disappointment. She was being very cheeky and rude at asking for the bag. Her behaviour was very entitled.

Its not about making someone feel guilty, its about the other customer acknowledging the op is disappointed, with something other than a shrug. That is arsey if someone has just explained they were about to buy something, even without the backstory.

DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 21:23

No.

So what response, apart from indifference, should she have given?

Isn't it a bit weird to make a show of concern and still do it anyway?

Somethingsnappy · 13/10/2021 21:24

@Bigeggsinapackoften

Please don’t use that horrible insult.
Second time it's been used in this thread. Awful, isn't it?
TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 21:26

I can muster up a range of expressions, including empathy even when speaking to strangers. How odd that you can't.

Why would there be any onus on her to muster up empathy? She was probably totally thrown by the OP's rudeness and had no idea what was going on. She'd just picked up a bag in a shop for heaven sake.

The entitlement of people on here is something else. Requiring mind reading and empathy from strangers who are simply getting on with their business.

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