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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she ought to have let me have it?

835 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 11:21

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it.
The charity shop still has a utterly daft one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up.
The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it.

AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 12:58

There is a bizarre element to this thread of not understanding the basic rules of retail.

It starts with the OP, but others are picking up the slack.

Shops display products, which you can purchase and take away with you. Your claim on those products begins when you hand over money for them.

Seeing them yesterday, coming back into town for them, deserving them more because you're broke - none of these actions gives you any rights over them.

Shops can hold things for customers, but they're under no obligation to and it shouldn't take a genius to figure out why that's not practical for charity shops in particular.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2021 13:11

@Plumbuddle
Parenting is hard enough as it is, without the added worry that your dc will pick holes in something absolutely minor you did when they were 4 as an adult. (In fact, if your mother was the op, she would believe she was actually doing the kind thing !)

Biancadelrioisback · 13/10/2021 13:24

This thread man!

Wild

Glassofshloer · 13/10/2021 13:25

@TheKeatingFive

There is a bizarre element to this thread of not understanding the basic rules of retail.

It starts with the OP, but others are picking up the slack.

Shops display products, which you can purchase and take away with you. Your claim on those products begins when you hand over money for them.

Seeing them yesterday, coming back into town for them, deserving them more because you're broke - none of these actions gives you any rights over them.

Shops can hold things for customers, but they're under no obligation to and it shouldn't take a genius to figure out why that's not practical for charity shops in particular.

⬆️
Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 13:25

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@Plumbuddle
Parenting is hard enough as it is, without the added worry that your dc will pick holes in something absolutely minor you did when they were 4 as an adult. (In fact, if your mother was the op, she would believe she was actually doing the kind thing !) [/quote]
Better still you now know not only that my mother was a great parent, as well as what my mother actually thinks! Hilarious. Consider this suggestion ATALA. I appreciate you personally may feel apprehensive as a mother about DC picking holes in you later on a website, but other people may not be upset to read my point, and my mother would not be bothered anyway as she is deceased. I, like anyone else, am perfectly entitled to post that I once felt neglected on a public site, in a bid to help someone in case it chimes in with their experience. What is it to you whether I am right or wrong? And why are you seeking to protect another person whom you have no investment in? Children can feel neglected when parents don't notice their feelings, why not get over that concept yourself?

MRex · 13/10/2021 13:26

A mother not helping her kid ask for their own toy back has to be pretty high up the pushover charts. Really strange behaviour actually, I can't even quite imagine it. Any connection between that and someone demanding that another customer hand over a product is tenuous at best.

There was already a nice explanation on the page before; goods are put up for sale, your entitlement to them begins after you've handed the money over and not before. It's such a simple concept that humanity has managed transactions that way for thousands of years now, odd that some claim not to understand.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 13:27

It was a shitty thing for your mother to do, plumbuddle
I don't know why people are trying to minimise that for you.

Glassofshloer · 13/10/2021 13:27

@arethereanyleftatall

'Big failure to attend to my neeeds by my mum.'

This is awful. Truly. What a horrible way to think about your mother. No, it shows you have no resilience whatsoever.

Is anyone else royally fed up of the phrase ‘meet my needs’ being used? Particularly when it’s being used to make a completely normal but less-than-perfect situation look downright abusive and neglectful?
Inthesameboatatmo · 13/10/2021 13:28

This thread obviously hasn't gone the way op hoped it would and she's disappeared 😂😂

Glassofshloer · 13/10/2021 13:28

@Inthesameboatatmo

This thread obviously hasn't gone the way op hoped it would and she's disappeared 😂😂
Twas ever thus.
DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 13:29

@Inthesameboatatmo

This thread obviously hasn't gone the way op hoped it would and she's disappeared 😂😂
It's taken some very unpredictable turns, to be fair.
notacooldad · 13/10/2021 13:43

This thread obviously hasn't gone the way op hoped it would and she's disappeared

To be fair the OP did say she was leaving the thread on the 13th
so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day

notacooldad · 13/10/2021 13:54

They could have kept the sticker on for maybe the first hour of trading next day and if OP wasn't back by then, take the sold sticker off and refund her if it was sold by the time she came back
This is getting ridiculous, all over a 2nd changing mat!🤣
I've said before, if she needs one that bad they are a couple of quid on face book market place and I bet there'll be a few within walking distance from her house.

user1490954378 · 13/10/2021 13:57

It's just unfortunate that someone picked it up just as you had gone back to get it. The woman wasn't being a dick, she just picked up an item that she had spotted and wanted to buy. It's happened to me before with sale items in shops, and it's just bad luck. Your frustration is entirely understandable but YABU to think that she should just hand it over to you. The shop would have held on to it sure if you had paid for it, and even if they wouldn't, you would have found somewhere to put it, if it had been that much of a find. I'm sure you'll find another one if it's an item you need badly. Otherwise, just forget about it.

Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 14:33

@notacooldad

This thread obviously hasn't gone the way op hoped it would and she's disappeared

To be fair the OP did say she was leaving the thread on the 13th
so I’m going to leave this here now. I think my pride has taken enough of a beating for one day

OMG that serves me right for not having realised she was not even there. I was just trying to reach out to her, but what the heck, it can be painful listening to sharp criticism from strangers. Her attitude was very unusual but there was pain underneath it, I had felt. Thanks for your support GreyhoundG1rl. I only raised this tiny point of mine because a very wise friend once told me that if you have an over-the-top reaction to a simple situation (as OP did here) then you are probably projecting a bad childhood experience that you've not consciously remembered, onto it. I appreciate it did sound ruminative and may not have been the point at all, but I just wondered if it was the explanation for her unusually hurt reaction. Oh and I don't see why people shouldn't go off on tangents on a thread, makes them way more entertaining for everyone to read.
Justploddingon · 13/10/2021 15:04

Type a description of the changing bag on Ebay, sure you'll find one 🙂

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 13/10/2021 15:17

Well, I’m enjoying the Frasier psychology section of the thread.

190190tnt · 13/10/2021 15:51

Years ago I was in a bookshop with DH, spotted a book I really wanted, the only one left. Picked it up and took it to the till. A woman standing behind me said in a hacked off voice ' I was going to buy that! I just put it down and was going to come back to it' - the bloke serving at the till gave me a look that said ' don't do it - don't give in!' And i didn't! Off she went, huffily. DH and I couldn't believe the cheek! So I feel for you OP, but do feel you're BU

JoieDeLivres · 13/10/2021 15:53

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

This thread is something else, and this reply in particular 😂 OP put a bunch of other people’s needs before her own by waiting in line rather than pushing in, but did assert herself in a perfectly reasonable way when she saw the other woman pick up the bag. Didn’t snatch it off her, didn’t have a go at her, just told her the truth like an adult. And the other woman was a straight-up cow about it! How people reading this so differently and ripping her to bits 😂 Staunchly team OP over here - I think you’re all just being defensive because you’ve BEEN that other woman and you know it looks bad. Stick that in your mean little pipes.
JoieDeLivres · 13/10/2021 15:57

@Mumontour85

On anything other other mumsnet I would be astounded by the attitudes in these messages 🙄 It WAS a massive dick move in my humble opinion. All of you saying it wasn't are being ridiculous, even more of you are being incredibly rude to and about the OP which is wholly unnecessary! Are you also the kind of people that say online bullying is bad 🤔🤨 You're probably the types of people that when you have a full trolley you won't let someone with two things go ahead because 'they're not more entitled than you to buy their food' 🤦🏼‍♀️

If you really had a woman, or even man, waiting behind you in a shop and this happened, would you really just shrug and buy it anyway? I mean... really??! Says a great deal about the kind of person you are to be honest.
The woman that picked it up had every right to it sure, but aren't decency and compassion things anymore?! Obviously not on here!

I'm sorry you missed out on the bag OP, and even sorrier that you've been so bullied on here for daring to share your story!

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
SoupDragon · 13/10/2021 16:03

And the other woman was a straight-up cow about it!

How? She simply said "sorry" and shrugged. She didn't do a touch down" style victory dance and shout "You snooze, you lose!" at the OP.

TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 16:08

OP put a bunch of other people’s needs before her own by waiting in line rather than pushing in

Well this is ridiculous. Not pushing in is basic manners, not self sacrificing behaviour.

Anyone else wondering if the OP name changed? 😆

JoieDeLivres · 13/10/2021 16:09

@SoupDragon

And the other woman was a straight-up cow about it!

How? She simply said "sorry" and shrugged. She didn't do a touch down" style victory dance and shout "You snooze, you lose!" at the OP.

@SoupDragon If you actually visualise that - one word, “sorry”, and a shrug, literally the international sign for indifference/“can’t do anything about it” - how do you not see a cow? If the response had been “I’m really sorry but I need one and this is ideal” then fair enough. She was holding it at the time, bad luck OP. But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me.
TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 16:10

just told her the truth like an adult

What that she saw the bag the previous day? 😂

Which, y'know, doesn't mean anything in a retail environment

TheKeatingFive · 13/10/2021 16:12

But a shrug and a one word soz-not-soz answer says big massive moo cow to me.

Seriously?

The OP was trying to guilt her out of buying a bag on a shop. A bag that she picked up first. I think she was remarkably constrained in her response.

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