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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she ought to have let me have it?

835 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 11/10/2021 11:21

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it.
The charity shop still has a utterly daft one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up.
The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it.

AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

OP posts:
ModerateOven · 13/10/2021 11:11

If you really had a woman, or even man, waiting behind you in a shop and this happened, would you really just shrug and buy it anyway?

I would buy it anyway. I'd feel a little threatened as well though. I think it's a pretty unusual thing for a normal person to do.

ModerateOven · 13/10/2021 11:22

M&S isn't a charity shop and doesn't have the same business model. Charity shops need to have stock constantly moving

Also charity shop floor staff are volunteers, often understaffed with only one volunteer on the till/shop floor at any one time, and mostly different volunteers in 3 hour shifts over 7 days. You can't be filling in forms and trotting off to store things while the queue gets longer.
That's providing you have somewhere to store things, which most don't. You have to work with what you've got.

Serrina · 13/10/2021 11:24

You could have bought it the previous day and put the rest of your stuff in the bag

YouTubeAddict · 13/10/2021 11:25

That’s so annoying and I’d be cross too but I’ve reluctantly voted YABU. She got there first and with charity shops you win some, you lose some 🤷‍♀️

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 11:27

@stayathomer

I think yabu BUT like you said if someone said it I'd give it up or at least defend my position on needing it. But I would have felt bad either way that you said it. But people are being a bit mean on this thread too
There was no need to either give it up or "defend your position". The absolute knots people are tying themselves into trying to make what the op did seem normal and reasonable Confused
ModerateOven · 13/10/2021 11:29

If it was the same person working I would have felt they should have backed you up

It's very unlikely to be the same person. Volunteers typically do one or two shifts a week, and hardly ever consecutive shifts.

stayathomer · 13/10/2021 11:35

GreyhoundG1rl
I don't really think it was normal or reasonable but I can see how if you really wanted or needed something it might come out and if someone said it to me I just think I'd be nicer than just shrugging and saying sorry!

Glassofshloer · 13/10/2021 11:41

@stayathomer

GreyhoundG1rl I don't really think it was normal or reasonable but I can see how if you really wanted or needed something it might come out and if someone said it to me I just think I'd be nicer than just shrugging and saying sorry!
What you say makes no sense.

So if you really wanted and needed something, you’d ask someone to hand it over to you, and expect them to do so, even though they might really want and need it.

But if you really wanted and needed something and actually had it, you’d hand it over to a stranger who claims to have walked across town for it?

ultra88 · 13/10/2021 11:42

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

Spot on.
YearsSinceISawYou · 13/10/2021 11:45

In future, would it be possible to pay for it, ask the shop to leave the item where it is (thus taking up no more space than it ever did) but tag a sold label on it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 11:50

@YearsSinceISawYou

In future, would it be possible to pay for it, ask the shop to leave the item where it is (thus taking up no more space than it ever did) but tag a sold label on it.
This makes perfect sense. Although the op didn't actually want to pay for it, as she claimed it would have "literally emptied her account" 🤷🏻‍♀️
Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 11:53

I agree with posters suggesting this is triggering something for you. I have feelings of loss like yours, and it all goes back to when I was about 4-5 and accidentally dropped a toy in a shop. I did not notice I had done so until another little girl said "Oh look mummy, a (whatever it was -- can't remember now but I treasured it)" and picked it up. The mum and she were so happy that my mum, whom I turned to for help to get it back, felt too embarrassed to get it back off them. I was so gutted but did not even realise at that age that this was a big failure to attend to my needs, by my mum. It's I believe an experience that is at the root of subsequent little experiences every so often of missing things to other people in jumble sales etc, that made me upset as a young adult.
OP I sympathise but suggest you try to locate where this pain is coming from as you might have had an experience like me. Other adults aren't responsible to look after our feelings the way our parents were.

Getyourownback · 13/10/2021 11:54

I probably wouldn’t have given it to you either, OP. And I’m really nice. I just wouldn’t have believed you if you’d said you’d seen it the day before as I’d have assumed you’d have bought it there and then, had you seen it the day before. But I’ve had a woman try to wrench Delia’s Christmas out of my hands before, saying something similar. 😂

stayathomer · 13/10/2021 11:56

What I meant was I'd never do it but I can understand it just coming out. And I was saying too I'd either explain why I myself needed it if I didn't hand it over. I probably didn't say that clearly enough, sorry!!

Glassofshloer · 13/10/2021 11:58

OP I sympathise but suggest you try to locate where this pain is coming from as you might have had an experience like me.

I mean the amateur psychology on MN is generally over the top, but I think this wins the most needlessly introspective post of the year.

stayathomer · 13/10/2021 11:58

I was so gutted but did not even realise at that age that this was a big failure to attend to my needs, by my mum.
Or your mum weighed up the situation and thought the little girl's day/life was made and didn't realise. Or it just happened too quickly for her to react. I think you're putting a lot on your mum there!!!

DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 11:59

@YearsSinceISawYou

In future, would it be possible to pay for it, ask the shop to leave the item where it is (thus taking up no more space than it ever did) but tag a sold label on it.
That would prevent an actual for sale item, which could bring in money, being displayed on the same space.
DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 12:01

@Plumbuddle

I agree with posters suggesting this is triggering something for you. I have feelings of loss like yours, and it all goes back to when I was about 4-5 and accidentally dropped a toy in a shop. I did not notice I had done so until another little girl said "Oh look mummy, a (whatever it was -- can't remember now but I treasured it)" and picked it up. The mum and she were so happy that my mum, whom I turned to for help to get it back, felt too embarrassed to get it back off them. I was so gutted but did not even realise at that age that this was a big failure to attend to my needs, by my mum. It's I believe an experience that is at the root of subsequent little experiences every so often of missing things to other people in jumble sales etc, that made me upset as a young adult. OP I sympathise but suggest you try to locate where this pain is coming from as you might have had an experience like me. Other adults aren't responsible to look after our feelings the way our parents were.
I really don't think this incident should still be occupying so much of your headspace that you associate it with "feelings of loss" and your mother's failure to care for you.
GreyhoundG1rl · 13/10/2021 12:04

@stayathomer

I was so gutted but did not even realise at that age that this was a big failure to attend to my needs, by my mum. Or your mum weighed up the situation and thought the little girl's day/life was made and didn't realise. Or it just happened too quickly for her to react. I think you're putting a lot on your mum there!!!
I think you're really just too nice for this thread Smile
Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 12:13

@stayathomer

I was so gutted but did not even realise at that age that this was a big failure to attend to my needs, by my mum. Or your mum weighed up the situation and thought the little girl's day/life was made and didn't realise. Or it just happened too quickly for her to react. I think you're putting a lot on your mum there!!!
Yes I think your analysis is right but she did continue to behave that way to all of her children in other situations so it was an issue with assertiveness that was projected onto her kids throughout life. It seriously blocked my own assertiveness later and I was just wondering if the OP had that sort of issue. I would tend to agree with other posters being sympathetic to OP's feelings but thinking that still, reluctantly, YABU.
ModerateOven · 13/10/2021 12:14

In future, would it be possible to pay for it, ask the shop to leave the item where it is (thus taking up no more space than it ever did) but tag a sold label on it

Not foolproof enough. People pull them off. People even swap tags to get things cheaper.

YearsSinceISawYou · 13/10/2021 12:16

Point taken @DrSbaitso but the OP says it was at the end of the day, so a limited time could have been agreed.

They could have kept the sticker on for maybe the first hour of trading next day and if OP wasn't back by then, take the sold sticker off and refund her if it was sold by the time she came back.

DrSbaitso · 13/10/2021 12:23

@YearsSinceISawYou

Point taken *@DrSbaitso* but the OP says it was at the end of the day, so a limited time could have been agreed.

They could have kept the sticker on for maybe the first hour of trading next day and if OP wasn't back by then, take the sold sticker off and refund her if it was sold by the time she came back.

Even a limited time is time when display space is being denied to stuff that could sell.

And it also takes time to do all this paperwork and refunding and checking over how long the sold item remains on display. Charity shops are mostly staffed by volunteers and this isn't an efficient use of their time.

Charity shops aren't department stores. They rely on using their shelf space and volunteer time as efficiently as possible.

It's not the same business model as M&S. They would bring in less money if they tried to accommodate all these annoying customers who may or may not return when Venus is in the eighth house or whatever.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2021 12:30

'Big failure to attend to my neeeds by my mum.'

This is awful. Truly. What a horrible way to think about your mother. No, it shows you have no resilience whatsoever.

Plumbuddle · 13/10/2021 12:57

@arethereanyleftatall

'Big failure to attend to my neeeds by my mum.'

This is awful. Truly. What a horrible way to think about your mother. No, it shows you have no resilience whatsoever.

Yes it's sad if children are neglected but I find it surprising that you can't accept that a poster asserts it, although you have no context. My mother could range from anything from Mother Theresa to Rosie West for all you are aware of and yet you still make this silly pronouncement. Mothers are not all perfect even though I say so on Mumsnet lol. Also, little children don't have resilience, that's the point, and they can have experience which trigger them as adults later. I was simply wondering if the OP was feeling the way she did because of a past experience, rather than the one that she is writing about which seems as if she's not particularly justified in expecting the other woman to give up the object.