To think she ought to have let me have it?

[AngeloMysterioso]

On my way home from town yesterday I popped into a charity shop for a browse and they had a lovely baby changing bag. I wanted to buy it but didn’t have the arm space for any more stuff and the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me, so I came back into town this morning to get it.
The charity shop still has a utterly daft one way system so it’s really cramped and today I had the pram. Ahead of me was a woman whose Mum (I presume) was standing next to the bags with a pram while she looked at other stuff. In front of them was someone in a wheelchair so I stood and waited until they could move so I could pick the bag up.
The woman then walks back over to her Mum, spots the bag and picks it up. I said “Oh, I was going to get that, I’ve come back into town for it.”

Now in her position, what I’d have done was said on, here you go, and handed it over. However she just shrugged and said “oh, sorry.” And took it.

AIBU to think that’s a dick move and she should have let me have it?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Thank you! Jeez I’m starting to despair for humanity…

But your idea of humanity is everyone giving you everything you want 😂😂

Quite.

Op, you'rere on the internet calling a stranger a dick for buying a bag you'd decided you wanted. You are seriously saying she should have given it to you. You're not as nice as you're trying to make out.

I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners

Are you having a laugh, OP? Really?

It’s not good manners to go up to a stranger and ask for something back off them because “I saw it first”. That is incredibly rude. You don’t behave like that. It’s very much how children behave in playgrounds when they’re still figuring out how sharing works. And honestly, most children know that it’s rude to do that, too.

Secondly, it isn’t rude to be assertive when someone has put you in an uncomfortable position. If someone asks you for something/to do something you don’t want to do, the outcome is either

A) they give it to you even though they didn’t want to
B) they say no because they don’t want to

A happens because you’ve coerced someone into feeling guilty. B happens because that person simply doesn’t want to and is entirely in their rights to say no. The problem with both these outcomes is nothing to do with the ‘victim’ but everything to do with the perpetrator, ie you. You put this woman in a shit situation and didn’t care. You wouldn’t have cared if she really liked/wanted the changing bag and you got it in the end. You only care about yourself.

Also, don’t lie. You’ve lied numerous times on this thread to try and manipulate people into agreeing with you. It clearly hasn’t worked. There’s absolutely no chance you would have given the bag up if someone had came in the first day you saw it with the same spiel you did on the second day. You would have told the woman “I need it because xxxxx” and spun a sob story to coerce her into backing off.

Ultimately, you thought the bag would still be there the next day and your tactic backfired. You need to shift the annoyance you feel off the woman/customers in the shop/the staff and back firmly onto yourself. The only reason you didn’t get the bag is because you left the store without it. Simple.

@Nietzschethehiker

There is no point trying to argue with the OP but I'm bored and waiting for a call. I absolutely guarantee the justification is that she feels more in need of it. That other people should be "nice" because she has it much harder.

This isn't a nice v nasty attitude situation , this is weaponised rules compliance. Designed to appear to be the downtrodden when in fact its usually a very effective attention source and control tactic.

The theory being If you play by the imaginary rules and repeatedly claim to be extra polite and nice (e.g waiting your turn , strategic mentioning of the situation of the others in front of you such as her mum being older and the person in the wheelchair , I'm sure both of those are true but a genuinely decent person wouldn't have need to mention it ) then I am entitled to get what I want over other people by ignoring standard societal norms because I am such a wonderful person I should be repayed.

Often seen by people who claim to be the only nice person left in the world and prepared oh so often to be the last voice of decency , the person that thinks about everyone else before themselves blah blah. Trouble is if that was really true you would be considering that she may have needed it more and it was just unlucky she got there first.

But no , you are weaponising your belief that you are owed something for being nice. She followed the implied rule in every charity shop. You believe you are owed something so rather than accepting you lost out you are attempting to weapinise strategic need to target another. You've successfully dropped in the right trigger words. You've painted a picture of a busy harassed, short of money (but suitably not being showy about it in a feigned implication of embarrassement post about waiting for your child benefit). You are good ill give you that. Perfectly targeted for MN as you thought it hits the demographic right. You just forgot the irritation with entitlement on MN.

Stop trying to blame others on the perception that you deserve something more. Its not an equation....the more stacked against you equals the more people should let you get more than them.

And yes yes , I'm sure you shall question where specifically you have said any of that no doubt. Deep down you know it's true.

She did nothing wrong.

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I would have given it to you.

OP, I'd bet my last nappy bag on you being an only child.

Move on.

@PizzaCrust

I’m one of those people. But then I was taught that that is good manners

Are you having a laugh, OP? Really?

It’s not good manners to go up to a stranger and ask for something back off them because “I saw it first”. That is incredibly rude. You don’t behave like that. It’s very much how children behave in playgrounds when they’re still figuring out how sharing works. And honestly, most children know that it’s rude to do that, too.

Secondly, it isn’t rude to be assertive when someone has put you in an uncomfortable position. If someone asks you for something/to do something you don’t want to do, the outcome is either

A) they give it to you even though they didn’t want to
B) they say no because they don’t want to

A happens because you’ve coerced someone into feeling guilty. B happens because that person simply doesn’t want to and is entirely in their rights to say no. The problem with both these outcomes is nothing to do with the ‘victim’ but everything to do with the perpetrator, ie you. You put this woman in a shit situation and didn’t care. You wouldn’t have cared if she really liked/wanted the changing bag and you got it in the end. You only care about yourself.

Also, don’t lie. You’ve lied numerous times on this thread to try and manipulate people into agreeing with you. It clearly hasn’t worked. There’s absolutely no chance you would have given the bag up if someone had came in the first day you saw it with the same spiel you did on the second day. You would have told the woman “I need it because xxxxx” and spun a sob story to coerce her into backing off.

Ultimately, you thought the bag would still be there the next day and your tactic backfired. You need to shift the annoyance you feel off the woman/customers in the shop/the staff and back firmly onto yourself. The only reason you didn’t get the bag is because you left the store without it. Simple.

I was a bit at the OP’s interpretation of good manners.

OP please check yourself and don’t hand on your bad manners to your DC.

Disclaimer - a few of the most entitled,
rudest people (mums too) I’ve ever come across have been in the naicest parts of London but then a few of them have done absolutely what OP have done and pushed in, spoken over me etc.

@SunshineCake1

I would have given it to you.

I'm going to start trying this, wandering up to people in shops who have things I want and telling them I made a special trip to get it after seeing it the day before.

You should have asked a staff member to keep it in the back area, for you to collect, I have done that a few times. But my local charity shop know me quite well, so will always oblige.

OP, you made the rookie error of pointing out how much you wanted the bag, thus increasing its perceived value in the eyes of the woman who picked it up.

Obviously, you have no control over whether the person in front of you will choose to buy it or not, but I suspect you sealed the deal for her by telling her how great the bag was!

It's disappointing, but if you had got to the shop five minutes later, you would have still been in the same position.

You knew it was in a charity shop where they tend to just have one of each thing, so you knew you were running the risk of losing the item by leaving it there in the first place. I can see why it irks you to have witnessed someone else buying the thing you wanted, but if you really wanted it that much, you would have bought it yesterday and found a way to carry it.

I agree with others that the other woman wasn't unreasonable to have kept it. But I understand your frustration in that you really wanted it, had decided to get it, and then were thwarted in your attempts. It must have been hard watching it disappear into the hands of someone else, moments before you would have picked it up! That's what this is about really, frustration and disappointment.

Get yourself onto ebay! I bet you find an even nicer one there!

Also, OP, one final question.

Picture the scene. It’s Christmas Eve and you’re buying your child (for the sake of this let’s say DD) presents. You’re in Smyths, it’s busy. Your DD wants this Barbie car set. It’s top of her list. Due to various reasons, you’ve only managed to get to the shop to buy it now.

Then you see it. One left on the shelf. You pick it up and put it in your trolley. Low and behold, a woman runs up to you frantically. She tells you how she needs that toy for her own DDs Christmas.

Would you seriously go “oh yes take it” knowing full well it’s your DDs number 1 Christmas present on her list? Really?

Or would you say “sorry I can’t, my DD also really wants it”. Would the woman telling you she saw it yesterday make any difference? Probably not. You’d perhaps feel a little guilty as you wheeled your trolley away, but you’d probably conclude that she should have bought it yesterday when she first saw it.

And maybe when your DD opens the gift, you’d have a pang of guilt for that other woman. But you put your own DD first.

Or would it have been nicer for everyone if the woman hadn’t put you in a shit situation, kept her mouth shut and let you get on your merry way while shopping?

You think you’re ever the gracious human but I really find it doubtful to think in this scenario, you’d give away a toy your DD wanted to placate a stranger.

@1forAll74

You should have asked a staff member to keep it in the back area, for you to collect, I have done that a few times. But my local charity shop know me quite well, so will always oblige.

At least read the first post the woman who ran the shop said they couldn’t keep it for me

you should have bought the bag when you saw it. The whole needing money to come into your account is BS trying to sway us to your side.

But, yes, if I was the other lady, I would have just let you have it.

But if I was you, I would have just said "excuse me" and reached over and grabbed the bag tbh.

There will be other baby bags - move on.

OP, I'd bet my last nappy bag on you being an only child.

I'd bet mine on you being a twat for that ridiculous statement.

@1forAll74

You should have asked a staff member to keep it in the back area, for you to collect, I have done that a few times. But my local charity shop know me quite well, so will always oblige.

@1forAll74 I’m quite fascinated by people who’ll come in on page 13 of a thread and add something obvious without reading the thread - or even then OP properly. Why did you do that?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Thank you! Jeez I’m starting to despair for humanity…

But your idea of humanity is everyone giving you everything you want 😂😂

Yes this 😂

@1forAll74

You should have asked a staff member to keep it in the back area, for you to collect, I have done that a few times. But my local charity shop know me quite well, so will always oblige.

most charity shops won't hold things for people whether they pay or not. They don't have the room to store stuff usually.

One shop near me will hold, but makes it clear the customer has to pay for it now, and that they will resell the item if it's not collected by a set time. It stops people not collecting/wanting it stored in the first place.

@HoldingTheDoor

OP, I'd bet my last nappy bag on you being an only child.

I'd bet mine on you being a twat for that ridiculous statement.

Seconded! Thank you Holding.

@ASeagullShatInMyEye

OP, I'd bet my last nappy bag on you being an only child.

Move on.

Very unfair stereotyping of only children.

Having a sibling does not automatically rid you a selfishness.

Check your prejudice.

OP have you looked on eBay to see if there's one on there?

AIBU to be upset that the Oxfam sold something I didn't buy the previous day?

Not much on MN actually makes me laugh, but this did @WalkingOnTheCracks

Is this a reverse?

She didn't take it off you, nor did she pick it up because she overheard you mentioned that you wanted it. She picked it up off her own back because she liked it. She's done nothing wrong.

You could have taken it yesterday and presumably shoved something in it, or chucked it around your neck.

I know @Seemssounfair, and I apologise. I'd still be interested to know in this particular case, though.