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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
icelolly12 · 11/10/2021 12:26

I actually feel angry on your behalf. Next time she makes a comment like that I'd be straight out the door, let your dp explain why you won't be returning- their loss not yours.

Worldwide2 · 11/10/2021 12:26

@kissmelittleass Omg! What a bitch! How absolutely vile. You poor thing having to put up with that, made me so mad reading your post 😡

Staryflight445 · 11/10/2021 12:43

She doesn’t have to be passive aggressive or use baby, she’s an adult and should be able to say this to her mil directly. You completely missed the point @Katyppp

SoupDragon · 11/10/2021 12:47

These people raised your partner. Why so much hostility?

@Katyppp Because the MIL is rude, insulting and makes passive aggressive comments to show this. Plus, she only does it when her son is not in the room.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 12:49

Confront her. It’s the only way to deal with this shit. If you don’t nip it in the bud right now what are you going to do when your DD is old enough to know what’s being said ? I’m not a fan of getting others to fight your battles and if you recruit DH to ‘have a word’ I’m afraid that’s exactly how it will look. Next time she does it, take her aside and be direct - tell her she obviously has a problem with you and you want to know what it is so you can sort it out. Tell her you’ve had enough of her using your DD to make snide remarks and that her access will be cut off if it happens again. As for the overnight stays, I think I would be pointing out to her that if she’s this toxic with her GD in front of you, you can’t trust her behaviour behind your back, so any such arrangements are out of the question.

Havehope21 · 11/10/2021 12:52

Ignore it - that is much more than I saw my grandparents on my father's side (once every 4 months really). We survived! They did moan about it and make similar digs to my mother, but the older we got, the more she was able to laugh at it and the more we disliked them for it.

Folklore9074 · 11/10/2021 12:53

@Wilkolampshade

Yes, I'd avoid the joining in type answer backs, don't lower yourself. When she does it, if you can, respond with "Say that again.. " although it's hard, try and avoid "I'm sorry, what was that?" as she can more easily reply "oh nothing" Chase her back by asking her to repeat what she just said and remove DD from her physically if possible. And develop an air of cool detachment. If she has the brass neck to challenge you rehearse an answer along the lines of "Things you have said have been unkind and have hurt me. I think it might be better if we see a little less of each other."
Absolutely this.
Folklore9074 · 11/10/2021 12:54

@Rosscameasdoody

Confront her. It’s the only way to deal with this shit. If you don’t nip it in the bud right now what are you going to do when your DD is old enough to know what’s being said ? I’m not a fan of getting others to fight your battles and if you recruit DH to ‘have a word’ I’m afraid that’s exactly how it will look. Next time she does it, take her aside and be direct - tell her she obviously has a problem with you and you want to know what it is so you can sort it out. Tell her you’ve had enough of her using your DD to make snide remarks and that her access will be cut off if it happens again. As for the overnight stays, I think I would be pointing out to her that if she’s this toxic with her GD in front of you, you can’t trust her behaviour behind your back, so any such arrangements are out of the question.
Totally agree on recruiting DH to have a word. It will look weak and it takes control away from you. Be direct, clear and calm.
Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 12:56

Your DD has her own relationship with her grandparents and she and they are entitled to pursue this, even if you don't like each other

No they’re not. Grandparents have zero rights. Even if they took legal action the courts would take the parents’ side if they have valid reasons for stopping access.

Katyppp · 11/10/2021 13:00

I clearly am in a minority here.
I just think when a baby is born, it is born into a family.
I never regarded my children as my personal possessions to be used as bargaining chips.
Yes, some family members are pains but unless there is genuine abuse - and this isn't - it's much easier to go with the flow and accept that some people will think you are a pain too.

WhoNeedsaLammyInTheWorld · 11/10/2021 13:00

Be prepared for her to cry when you call her out and please don't back down or apologise
I think she will try to look like the victim so you need to be ready

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2021 13:02

@Katyppp

I clearly am in a minority here. I just think when a baby is born, it is born into a family. I never regarded my children as my personal possessions to be used as bargaining chips. Yes, some family members are pains but unless there is genuine abuse - and this isn't - it's much easier to go with the flow and accept that some people will think you are a pain too.
There’s being a pain and there’s being personal, nasty and disrespectful while demanding access to a baby that’s not in the baby’s interest.

You’ve either got nice relatives or poor boundaries.

Katyppp · 11/10/2021 13:11

There’s being a pain and there’s being personal, nasty and disrespectful while demanding access to a baby that’s not in the baby’s interest.

It's this weirdly faux legalese way of talking that makes me smile.

They're the baby's grandparents, for goodness sake!

Abd no to the PP, my first MIL was awful but it made no sense from a family point of view to fall out, as it would affect everybody.
Unlike most posters on here, I didn't see the baby as my personal possession to be used as a pawn to get what I wanted. I also didn't think my sensibilities were that important in the grand scheme of my son's relationship with his grandma. In other words, it wasn't all about me.

Chloemol · 11/10/2021 13:14

Next time she does it

Oh Rosemary. We don’t use that baby tone of voices just speak normally to DD c

Oh Rosemary please don’t make comments like that to DD, they are very passive aggressive

Oh Rosemary you have been asked not to speak to DD,/ make comments like that to DD. Please stop now or we wont be able to meet you with DD

Oh Rosemary I have already said numerous times DD wont be staying with you. Please stop asking

Original poster
naggy095 · 11/10/2021 13:16

@Katyppp I appreciate what you’re saying, however I’ve already said I don’t want my DD to stop seeing her and would never use her as a ‘pawn’ to get my own way. My original post simply asked if 1-2 times every 2 weeks for a grandchild to see their grandparents is considered a good enough amount as MIL seems to think it’s not.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 13:21

it's much easier to go with the flow

What you are recommending then is "it's much easier for MiL if OP just kowtows to bullying, because Faaaaaamily" @Katyppp

Nobody has the right to insult & undermine another person.
The fact that MiL's behaviour makes OP feel uncomfortable about her having access to her baby is MiL's fault, & MiL's problem, not OP's.

It's nothing to do with using the baby as a bargaining chip.
It's everything to do with OP's right not to be bullied & undermined.
MiL's entitlement & territorialism needs addressing. There is no need for OP to put herself in the line of fire to keep a woman happy who is actively nasty to her.

80sMum · 11/10/2021 13:21

Oh, good lord! Why do some in-laws behave in such embarrassingly ridiculous ways? I feel for you, OP! I reckon fortnightly is on the generous side.

RedFlyingBeeBee · 11/10/2021 13:27

They're the baby's grandparents, for goodness sake!
They don't behave like nice, supportive and mature grandparents they behave like rude, entitled and bullying teenagers.

The OP is 100000000X more patient and enduring than I would have be.

Why should these nasty grandparents see this innocent baby more often than the OP's own nice parents?

BobbiPinsOn · 11/10/2021 13:41

cut them off

DGFB · 11/10/2021 13:44

Don’t cut them off, way too harsh.
But your dp should be pulling her up on that every single time.
Your contact pattern with them sounds fine

Djifunrsn · 11/10/2021 13:47

This, that a pp posted is exactly what you need to say, calmly

MIL id prefer it if you stop pretending you're talking to the baby in order to be rude to me"

roarfeckingroarr · 11/10/2021 13:49

If I had PIL who behaved like that they wouldn't be seeing my child fullstop

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2021 13:49

Hope the visit goes OK. I think I would go with HappyAsASandboy

"I would say "did you mean that to sound so rude?" Every time she says something rude, regardless of who she addresses it to. If you hear it, you challenge it."

Be polite, do not stoop to her level, do not use your baby to pass on comments by speaking to baby to get a message to her. Be direct.

And tell your dp what you will do and that you want his back up, too.

1forAll74 · 11/10/2021 13:50

I would have more patience with parents or inlaws who sometimes have these tendencies to talk this way to a baby or child. I think it's because, years ago, when my daughter was just under one year old, and my son was about 4, we as a family went to live in the USA for three years. We had just had a family gathering, to say goodbye to everyone, Parents and inlaws were upset about us departing for three years. So that meant no chat to children of any sort. So missed all this, some times maybe ridiculous way of talking to a baby , and it might well have happened, coming from my Mil.

inferiorCatSlave · 11/10/2021 13:52

My original post simply asked if 1-2 times every 2 weeks for a grandchild to see their grandparents is considered a good enough amount as MIL seems to think it’s not.

I thinl it's fine - may well get less as child gets older and life busier and there's more to fit in.

DH and I both had DGPs we saw once a week - I don't think either of us felt closer to them than ones we saw less frequently and who often did more with us.