To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

If she asks about giving up breastfeeding, you're in no hurry. Your friend Fiddle fed for four years three months and Fiddle's dd fed her own dd for 4yrs 9 months.

God if someone ever told me not to breastfeed they would regret it. Maybe show her the NHS website! That’s so nasty and unforgivable in my opinion.

I’m not breastfeeding my twins this time around but equally no one has the right to comment on feeding choices.

My response- I’m not being spoken to like that and I will not be visiting.

If DH wants to take her himself then that’s fine, but if bf gets in the way until she’s older then whatever. Not my issue.

My MIL was rude and hostile, I tried. I explained the issue. She refused to stop. Haven’t met her now in ten years. DH can talk to her as much or as little as he wants, as can the kids. In reality though without me facilitating it all there’s nearly zero relationship.

Just dont go. I know its easier said than done. But it's what I would do in your case and what I have done in the past.

I just started a thread about how the advice on mumsnet always seems so limited to cutting off or making acid comments. But I thought marbles advice above is terrific.

This situation is hard because she is forcing you to have to be very direct in order to tackle it. But I thought marbles advice was really terrific as it is reasonable but makes her take responsibility and say it directly so that you can respond directly without escalating or being aggressive. I think you'd be in your rights to be even more direct and say something like " I find it very uncomfortable when you talk to the baby but seem to be trying to say something to me and it would be easier if you said things directly." Or something like that. I know it's hard though!

Jeez, your MIL sees her DGD way more than I would facilitate, and that’s if she was nice! You need to be assertive - as you know - and she needs to cut that shit out!

You see the in-laws enough. You need to think of some nice comebacks that you can throw back at her through your baby. Play her at her own game.

Fucking terrible advice. Don't use your baby to get back at her.

Your DD has her own relationship with her grandparents and she and they are entitled to pursue this, even if you don't like each other

No she doesn't @5128gap. She's 4 months old, she has a relationship with her mummy & daddy, & occasionally sees the weird woman who likes to insult her mummy.

GP are not "entitled" to have any relationship with the baby.
It's OP's baby, not theirs, & they have already signalled that they are not to be trusted.

I wouldn't let my dog stay overnight with people like this MiL, let alone a child. Too much potential for them to keep trying to 'prove' their dominance by deliberately undermining the established routine.
She is the sort who would feed solids without OP's say-so, take the baby for her first haircut etc ... & definitely the sort who would keep pouring poison into the growing girl's ear.

Why would I let someone who doesn't like me, & who I definitely do not like because their behaviour is destructive, feel "entitled" to my child? Or even my dog? MiL needs to earn that privilege, by respecting her GC's mother.

I agree with ChargingBuck.

I wouldn’t tolerate this passive aggressive crap. Stand up for yourself. Best of luck.

I can never understand why people (mostly women, it has to be said) become so obstructive, possessive and conrolling once they have children.
Honestly, look at yourselves. Cutting off contact (or not 'faciliting' contact as if a visit was a workplace deliverable), not letting the grandparents see the baby without a parent present, having a strict regime to ensure in-laws see their grandchildren 'enough' and no more. The level of drama is exhausting.
These people raised your partner. Why so much hostility? They might not do thins your way, but guess what, your way will be dated when you have grandchildren too.

I can't understand this thing about small babies going to the grandparents overnight. None of mine ever suggested such a thing. My mother used to come and stay with us sometimes and she did look after the grandchildren overnight a couple of times when they were newborns so we could get some sleep.

@Katyppp

I can never understand why people (mostly women, it has to be said) become so obstructive, possessive and conrolling once they have children. Honestly, look at yourselves. Cutting off contact (or not 'faciliting' contact as if a visit was a workplace deliverable), not letting the grandparents see the baby without a parent present, having a strict regime to ensure in-laws see their grandchildren 'enough' and no more. The level of drama is exhausting. These people raised your partner. Why so much hostility? They might not do thins your way, but guess what, your way will be dated when you have grandchildren too.

Did you even read the opening post?

‘Next time, take your DD back and say to her "unless your grandparents stop insulting mummy, you won't be seeing them at all will you sweetie".’

^ this. 100 x this op.

Please don’t wish for your child to have a relationship with such toxic people. They may be family but my god they need to learn to behave.

@Katyppp

I can never understand why people (mostly women, it has to be said) become so obstructive, possessive and conrolling once they have children. Honestly, look at yourselves. Cutting off contact (or not 'faciliting' contact as if a visit was a workplace deliverable), not letting the grandparents see the baby without a parent present, having a strict regime to ensure in-laws see their grandchildren 'enough' and no more. The level of drama is exhausting. These people raised your partner. Why so much hostility? They might not do thins your way, but guess what, your way will be dated when you have grandchildren too.

OK, so you view a baby as public property - others don't.

It's not OP who is creating drama here - that will be the ghastly bully who is undermining OP with nasty remarks.

I notice your pearl-clutching doesn't extend to making any practical suggestions about how OP tackles her MiL's aggression.
So what did you post for - just to have a pop?

Irrelevant that your dp is an only child they dont get to bully you because its their only gc

a joke is only funny if people are laughing and noone is

I wouldn't let her stay at all if they talk that crap to her. Stand your ground. They are toxic.

@NoSquirrels yes I did and I stand by my post.
@starryflight passive aggressive and involving the baby in the fight (which is apparently not OK when the ILs do it) Great example to set, not.

[quote Katyppp]@NoSquirrels yes I did and I stand by my post.
@starryflight passive aggressive and involving the baby in the fight (which is apparently not OK when the ILs do it) Great example to set, not.[/quote]
How has the OP been “obstructive, possessive and controlling”?

You asked “Why so much hostility?” - certainly seems like you didn’t read the opening post properly!

@DappledThings

It's plenty. And they sound like twats.

The first comment always nails it

She sounds fucking mental.

Yes you need to come down on her 'comments' like a tonne of bricks. She needs to know this is unacceptable. Also your DP needs to be firm on this too.

You need to tell them what is unacceptable behaviour and train them. The glimmer of hope is that, if they improve their behaviour, overnight stays for your DD will be a godsend when she is older. It means you and DH can go on date nights - I wish I lived closer to my DP for this.

Just wondering if you live close by to them? As if you live very close by, once every 2 weeks might be hard for them, but I can completely agree and understand that you don't want to increase the frequency of visits.

I had this exact situation.

I didn't always have the confidence to call out such behavior - though did put my foot down on many other things. Only thing that stopped this particular behavior of talking through the kids was me doing it back.

I would have claimed that we had reach an okay point over the years. We moved further away got down to once a month - thought they stopped over - then every school hoilday.

However I realised I am bitter - I've put a huge amount of effort into boundaries and managing them - DH often forgets how much - they frequently slip from polite to PA or nasty to it constantly trying to head of problems with them.

I did visit as when I didn't they bad mouthed and undermined me to the kids - but the kids are now teens and I have started to take huge steps back. I think MIL does try to be polite and get on and slips every now and again.

Recently though I've started wondering if we've been too polite and tolerant - kids and even DH are fine seeing them less frequently as they're really busy and there's no understanding from IL - they just rudely announce they are coming and expect everything to fit round them.

@Katyppp

I can never understand why people (mostly women, it has to be said) become so obstructive, possessive and conrolling once they have children. Honestly, look at yourselves. Cutting off contact (or not 'faciliting' contact as if a visit was a workplace deliverable), not letting the grandparents see the baby without a parent present, having a strict regime to ensure in-laws see their grandchildren 'enough' and no more. The level of drama is exhausting. These people raised your partner. Why so much hostility? They might not do thins your way, but guess what, your way will be dated when you have grandchildren too.

Is this a joke? The mother in law is being bloody rude to the op via the baby. As the op says in her first post, the mil "talks to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. "you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!"

You read that and your conclusion is that the op is possessive and horrible and that the mil just doesn't do things the ops way?

Seriously?

They sounds like a nightmare and need to realise this is your baby, your boundaries etc. and they need to get onside if they want to build their relationship with their GD. The comment about breastfeeding in particularly is so selfish.

But as I think you have realised you need to use your voice. If my in laws said some of that stuff in a passive aggressive way in front on me I wouldn't be holding my tongue.

Yes it would be great if your DP was the one saying it, certainly more comfortable for you, but its likely that he's almost desensitised to their tactlessness. People like your in laws rely on others not saying anything to their rudeness and you need to assert yourself and challenge.

@Katyppp nobody has an obligation to facilitate unpleasant people in their life who make passive aggressive personal digs.
It doesn’t matter whether they are related or not.

Grandparents have no right to access to their grandchildren. Not when they are being nasty to mother and try to undermine it at every occasion.

In this case MIL had her shot at parenting. Looks like she’s done a crap job so wants the second chance?

Being decent human being in any relationship is a must. That includes mutual respect. Clearly MIL has zero of it for OP and her son.

Yes, I'd avoid the joining in type answer backs, don't lower yourself.
When she does it, if you can, respond with "Say that again.. " although it's hard, try and avoid "I'm sorry, what was that?" as she can more easily reply "oh nothing"
Chase her back by asking her to repeat what she just said and remove DD from her physically if possible. And develop an air of cool detachment.
If she has the brass neck to challenge you rehearse an answer along the lines of "Things you have said have been unkind and have hurt me. I think it might be better if we see a little less of each other."