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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 11/10/2021 13:56

@Brefugee

I'd go one of two ways because i don't put up with passive aggressive shit from anyone. (i also didn't like my MIL and while i wasn't outright rude, i never put up with her bullshit either.)

either
a) when she does the "you're prettier than your mummy" turn to DH and go "your so much nicer than your mummy, yes you are!" and so on, in the same tone of voice

b) Get up, get your DC and leave. Every time

I would hugely enjoy a, but b is better.

This.

I sometimes think MILs get a rough ride on MN, but it would be a very cold day in Hell before I'd have accepted this from my MIL. Tackle it head on OP, it will only get worse if you don't. What a horrible woman!

💐

SunshineCake1 · 11/10/2021 13:56

It's time to stop being a wimp as you now have a child who's advocate you will have to be.

Katyppp · 11/10/2021 13:57

Clearly the vast majority of mn mums on this thread enjoy the power that holding all the cards (ie the baby) gives them.
Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!)
I do hope you will all behave when you are grandmothers as you won't be the queen bee then, you DIL will 🤣🤣🤣

Katyppp · 11/10/2021 13:58

It's time to stop being a wimp as you now have a child who's advocate you will have to be.

An advocate - it's mn bingo on this thread!

Youseethethingis · 11/10/2021 14:01

Clearly the vast majority of mn mum's want to protect their babies from being taught that their mum can be spoken down to and have to put up with it, that being snide and unkind is ok etc etc. If you find it acceptable that's on you.
Other people want better for themselves and their children and common DNA is no reason to put up with shit from anyone in your life.

thelegohooverer · 11/10/2021 14:08

If you don’t feel you can deal with the confrontation directly there are other ways to handle this. For instance, when she makes one of these comments you could simply pick up the baby and walk out.

Sometimes it’s easier to lean in to what you’re already doing naturally (saying nothing), than to try and do something that doesn’t come naturally to you. Dignified silence can be a very powerful weapon.

In an ideal world you would just calmly call out her behaviour but you might need to work up to that.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 11/10/2021 14:10

I found when my mil pushed for overnights I just replied “High school” and then repeated it everytime.
Also when she asked how her baby was I said DH is fine.

Think of it as training for when your baby is a toddler. Firm unmoving boundaries and No means no.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 14:11

@Katyppp

Clearly the vast majority of mn mums on this thread enjoy the power that holding all the cards (ie the baby) gives them. Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!) I do hope you will all behave when you are grandmothers as you won't be the queen bee then, you DIL will 🤣🤣🤣
MiL can be treated like an equal adult when she behaves like an adult.

& I have no need to be "queen bee" about my own grandchild thanks. I'm entirely happy for her mum to call all the shots.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 14:13

@Katyppp. Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!)

If the OP’s MIL behaved like an equal adult then she’d be treated like one wouldn’t she ? Similarly, if her behaviour is no better than a ‘junior member of staff’ then same goes. The fact is that the OP is the DIL and IS holding all the cards, which in this instance is a good thing - ultimately her DD is the ‘trump card’ and can be played if MIL refuses to address her frankly, disgusting behaviour.

RedFlyingBeeBee · 11/10/2021 14:13

Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!) Where does the horrible MIL show her respect and kindness to the OP and her baby? She doesn't treat the OP as an 'equal adult'. Expecting basic manners and asserting healthy boundaries does not = queen bee. Are you a disgruntled undermining and demanding MIL by any chance @Katyppp? Why should mother not use their powers to protect themselves and their baby? Do you prefer mums to feel powerless? How odd.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 14:15

@Katyppp

Clearly the vast majority of mn mums on this thread enjoy the power that holding all the cards (ie the baby) gives them. Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!) I do hope you will all behave when you are grandmothers as you won't be the queen bee then, you DIL will 🤣🤣🤣
Claerly you are obsessed with power dynamics so translate having reasonable boundaries as a personal affront & power-play.

It isn't. It's simply a refusal to be spoken to like shit.
I'm not sure why you feel that sharing DNA means relatives don't need to accept the boundaries of polite behaviour, or the consequences of discourtesy.

LaikO · 11/10/2021 14:17

When I'm a grandmother, I won't speak to my daughter in law like she's dirt on my shoe, through constant passive aggressive digs and nasty little remarks, so I'm sure I'll be fine.
If my mother in law talked to me like that, the amount of visits she would receive would be zero.

lifeinlimbo2020 · 11/10/2021 14:24

@WaterBottle123 I agree. She is a bully and i can't understand why neither you or your DH have pulled her up on it. It's not even passive aggressive it's just horrible and rude.

ClawedButler · 11/10/2021 14:25

It's not about having 'power' over the grandparents. It's about whether you put up with overt bullying or not.

I don't think the OP needs to just take these insults, nor do I think she should leave her DD in the care of clearly nasty people.

You might think it's great to leave a child in the care of horrible bullies. I don't.

GrolliffetheDragon · 11/10/2021 14:41

@User57327259

Children should never be the stick used to beat parents or grandparents. It seems like both sides are doing this. MIL with her comments and OP with the threat to withhold the DGC from MIL.
Not the same at all. The MIL is being a bully towards OP. If she continues saying things like that once the child is old enough to understand it will be damaging - I know, I was the child in that situation.
Flipflopblowout · 11/10/2021 14:53

She is going to continue sniping at you though your child if you don't stop it now.

ThreeYearsPastBestByDate · 11/10/2021 14:58

I think I'd say, "Excuse me?", pick up the baby, and leave, the next time she spoke to me that way (through the baby or not). Leave the room. Go outside. Or just leave entirely.

If she wants to see your baby, she has to treat you with at least the most basic level of respect.

Visiting ever two weeks is plenty. Too much, if she can't behave better than that. I wouldn't want my child picking up her obnoxiousness.

FairFuming · 11/10/2021 15:18

Try thinking about it as standing up for your DD not yourself if you struggle with that.
Yes she is tiny right now but you never want her thinking it's ok for someone to treat her the way she is seeing you being treated, right? So standing up to your bitchy MIL is shoeing your DD how she deserves to be treated and to not tolerate less.

Redjumper1 · 11/10/2021 15:20

Two times is plenty. The problem is not the time spent. The problem is the MIL behaviour. My MIL behaves atrocious. I don't agree with those that say that you can just let DP/DH go with your child. This may actually be what the MIL wants.

My MIL lives abroad and she visited and bullied me for the entire two weeks. The next year, I couldn't face going to see her so just let me DH and son go. She was absolutely delighted with that and I realised she had bullied me into submission. There is nothing positive about having her in my Son's life and I am just caving into pressure because "she is family". We went last year and I ensured I was always there to keep her negative influence to a minimum (the rest of the family and extended family are lovely). My point is sometimes the MIL behaves like this on purpose because they see you as a soft touch and they know that you won't be able to spend time with them but also know their son well enough to know that he won't stop seeing her so it is a win win for her.

They are bullies at the end of the day, they all act the same.

rrhuth · 11/10/2021 15:22

@WaterBottle123

If MIL spoke to me like that the number of times she saw my kids would be zero. In accepting that behaviour you're showing DD that bullying is ok.

Tell your partner no more visits until MIL learns to behave like a civilised human being

Yes totally agree with this.

No one would speak to me like that, it is unbelievably rude.

SailorJayne · 11/10/2021 15:26

What a total bitch. Tell her if she keeps speaking badly of you to your own daughter she will be seeing her less and less. Don’t tolerate it, I absolutely despise when people do this, my mothers ex husband used to do it with my younger half brother about my mum and she eventually left him because she’d had enough of him doing it, it got to the point where my brother would say bad things about my mother and he was only little and didn’t know what he was saying.

Tell her to do one.

rrhuth · 11/10/2021 15:32

You can simply say 'I've put up with being spoken about this way for too long, and I've had enough. I'm leaving and me and my DD will not be back in a hurry" or similar.

ReturntoSpamfritters · 11/10/2021 15:45

I wouldn't be visiting anyone every two weeks with a baby and especially not if the visits were not enjoyable. You owe her nothing and certainly not the right to control you or your DD. The GM/GD relationship will not flourish anyway if she continues like this, whether she has fortnightly visits or not.
Start imposing those "Rules, Boundaries, Limitations."

ReturntoSpamfritters · 11/10/2021 15:48

Is your MIL called Kate or Catherine, by any chance?

2bazookas · 11/10/2021 15:49

Do not let this run on until your child understand MIL's horrible remarks and learns to speak.

Get a note book and write down these awful comments every time she says them. with date and location and who was there.

When you have accumulated a horrible collection of evidence, print it out and present it to the PILS, saying wte " Here is the reason you have never been allowed unsupervised access to our child, teaching her this kind of toxic relationship. You will be the losers unless you change your behavior. "