To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

She's overstepping the mark with those comments.

Next time, take your DD back and say to her "unless your grandparents stop insulting mummy, you won't be seeing them at all will you sweetie".

What an idiot. It's not ok to be saying those kind of things to anyone, let alone family. Call her out. Tell your partner to tell her to stop. Or else just make yourself and baby busy when they want to come round

She is rude to you OP and thats not acceptable. But thats your fight to have with her, and your DD is not your weapon in this. Im always surprised at the people who seem to see their DC as possessions to withold from people who displease them, rather than people in their own right. Your DD has her own relationship with her grandparents and she and they are entitled to pursue this, even if you don't like each other. Provided they treat DD well of course. Just stop visiting them yourself and let your H take DD alone.

I’m surprised you even agree to seeing them that often. I wouldn’t want to be around them at all with that attitude.

Get DH to tell them they need to pack that shit in. It’s rude, disrespectful, and not on, and that visits will ground to a halt until they’ve learnt to treat you better.

Don’t do it yourself though, that never ends well.

It’s hard to say how many visits per week are enough, different families and lifestyle’s etc mean there is no acceptable or normal amount.

Fucking PILs!!!

The rudeness aside, I think the reason why they're so pushy with seeing and spending time with DD is because DP has said they always wanted a daughter (not sure if that's instead of DP or as well as...), so I can imagine they see DD as that daughter figure they never had.

Before I was even pregnant MIL would make comments about me stealing her son away, so the signs were there already unfortunately. Even though DP has never been close with his parents so I always found those comments odd .

@AwaAnBileYerHeid I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. I hope you no longer have to see or speak to that woman.

I'd also like to add that I've never mentioned I don't want DD to not see them at all, I actually really want her to have a relationship with her grandparents despite everything.

I would be blunt with them. Say clearly and calmly that they have demonstrated their antipathy to you, her mother, so they won’t be trusted with your daughter.

My mum does this to me. I have said to her quite bluntly stop talking about me negatively in front of DC. She stops now. She thought it was a teasing and funny thing obviously not for me.

Also the same with sleepovers. DM has said she wants DC once a month. I’ve said we’ll see but we’ll fit in with our schedule. I’ve had to be more vocal but it’s setting the tone and expectation.

You see PILs plenty enough. I would be firm and polite and also ask your DP to say something too if you don’t feel you can say anything.

WTF?

Toxic nutters.Tell them if they keep undermining you in front of your dd, that will be the last they have seen of you and her.

I’ve always been a bit of a wimp and not been very good at being assertive. Next time I will have to say something back because it does need to stop. I’m not sure why they keep asking for overnights even after I’ve declined so many times, and it’s FIL that keeps insisting.

Fuck FIL. Tell them if they keep asking dd is NEVER going to stay over (let alone sleep over) as they are coming across as creepy and nuts and that you don't trust them with dd if they can't take no for an answer.

If you partner doesn't learn to take your side, your relationship is doomed! Be careful your mil doesn't poison your dd against you when she is a bit older. What utter despicable behaviour. You have to be a massive bitch back to them. Start now.

@QuizzlyBear

Wow! Next time she starts that shit in front of you, I'd lean over my child, tickle her tummy and say in a happy baby voice, "we'll be seeing a lot less of grandma if she carries on bad-mouthing mummy, won't we?!"

What an utter bitch...

^This

I'd be seriously thinking of reducing that 2 weeks to every month and beyond if she keeps "talking" through your daughter.

I wouldn't want my daughter to learn that passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour is okay!

Convince your Dh to move, ideally to another country continent.

@YouTubeAddict

Four months is a bit early I agree. DS didn’t stay overnight with anyone until he was 6 months and then it was a one off for a special meal. It didn’t become a ‘thing’ properly until he was about three as he just loved his bath/story/snuggle routine with me too much 💗 Maybe you’ll consider it in the future?

Why should she?

Have a look at www.toxicties.com, I think it will be very useful. Your MIL sounds toxic. It's all about control.
As a PP said, she will look at EBF as a challenge to be overcome, so don't be surprised if she magics up bottles and formula anytime you are not around.

I don’t understand why grandparents expect overnights. It’s only for their own benefit if the parents don’t want to, as babies/ young children mostly want to be at home.

MIL has insisted she needs a 4 bed house ‘if I ever let her have DD to stay’, she also went on about how she left DH for a week when he was 7 months. Fine if you want to do it, but I don’t and aren’t obligated to!

I've never mentioned I don't want DD to not see them at all, I actually really want her to have a relationship with her grandparents despite everything.

Why? Genuine question. Don't you think that your PILs will carry om dripping poison in your dd's ear about Mummy being antisocial or whatever nonsense they think up? They'd be seeing her without me over my cold, dead body. They sound unsufferable.

It's telling that they say things when DP is out of the room. MIL knows just what she's doing. Next time she says anything, call to DH: 'Dh! Your mum just said xxxxx. Can you believe that?'

Then very clearly say to MIL, 'If you say anything passive aggressive like that again, I will leave with dd and you will not see her until you can behave like an adult.'

But DH will have to be on board. Good luck!

GOSH, I’ve read some MIL stories on MN, but surely this one gets an award.
OP, you just have to be very assertive. I’d agree with pp who suggested you move. There is no way I’d be putting up with that…..and I speak as someone with a pretty overbearing MIL whose only child is DH. Our DD gets treated as the daughter she never had. Fortunately they do live in another country. Covid means we haven’t seen them for 2 years. MIL has asked since dd was born when I’ll be sending her over for the summer . The answer has always been and will remain never. Sending that you have to put up with this.

Never mind how many times a month MiL gets to see your child.
It's far less of an issue than the way she talks to/about you -

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”.

What do you do or say when MiL acts out like this?
If you are just passively accepting it, you know she will continue doing it, don't you? She is bullying you.

Next time she pulls that stunt, you need to shut her down.
She is needling you deliberately, as she thinks she is dominant to you.
Show her that she isn't, & that any more crap like this will result in less time with YOUR baby.

"Is Grandma doing that stupid thing where she makes digs at your mummy in a cutesy voice so she can pretend she's not being rude? Oh we better take you home again hadn't we, mummy doesn't want you listening to rude people."

And leave.
MiL will soon get it.

@ReturntoSpamfritters she's already been asking why I haven't stopped breastfeeding yet, that I should bottle feed her. Whenever I ask why she thinks that she never has an answer. It's obviously so she thinks she can look after her.

Is your DP having a word with them? If he isn't he needs to. This is not at all acceptable and pls put your foot down. Your child is better off not having a grandparent relationship that this. My late mom had years of snide remarks from my granddad (her FIL) and that has ruined my relationship with him forever despite him having a some good qualities in other ways. I have never got over this and I am 41! I wish someone would have put their foot down once and ended the misery for mom.

MIL sounds like a toxic bitch so I’d say once every other week is too much if anything.

I think the reason why they're so pushy with seeing and spending time with DD is because DP has said they always wanted a daughter (not sure if that's instead of DP or as well as...), so I can imagine they see DD as that daughter figure they never had.

But she's not their do-over baby. She's your DD. And I say that as the mother of an only son who would have loved to have a daughter as well. My sister made me godmother to her DD - the first girl in ages in the family. I'm utterly besotted by that little lady and cherish every little moment with her but shes not mine

Anyway. Motherhood often changes us. The things we would have been too shy to mention or would avoid because of potential conflict, you tend to go headlong into it when you see it affecting your child's life. I'm sure you want your DD to grow up to be confident, to be able to be assertive in the face of bullying behaviour and how she learns that is from you. It's never too early to teach her those examples.
So, what you have to remember is:
a) you are not obliged to lend your baby to ANYBODY for their own pleasure - even grandparents. My DS has never been on a sleepover with grandparents alone, and he's 9. One set I just wouldn't ask, the other were happy to see him when we visited or stayed over with them together.
b) you have the power here. You are DDs mum. If something drives you away from a person, it will affect how often they get to see your DD. Use that.

My (lovely) MIL overstepped once After that, I became 'busy' and left it to DP to visit and update them about DS. He was never great with communication anyway but it meant they heard far less of DS's progress and saw them much less for a few months. There was no conflict, no arguments with MIL, I just withdrew and by default so did DS and she got the message loud and clear after that - that I choose to be part of her family, and I can choose not to be part of her family - and if I did, her frequency with DS would be impacted.

But your MIL seems to be a very different fish to mine. Yours will probably need you to find your roar and just call them on it clearly. It will probably result in manipulation /tears or tantrums directed at your DH and be bumpy because of that. But my advice is to hold firm on it, because even if you feel like you've lost the battle,or you feel like she's manipulated your DH, the message reminding her that you have the power as DD's mummy will still land.

You need to nip it in the bud one way or another. It's bad enough now, but there are going to be serious problems when the baby is a bit older, is talking, and can understand what MIL is saying. The baby is going to be seriously confused and upset.

[quote naggy095]@ReturntoSpamfritters she's already been asking why I haven't stopped breastfeeding yet, that I should bottle feed her. Whenever I ask why she thinks that she never has an answer. It's obviously so she thinks she can look after her.[/quote]
Yes, my mother tried bottle feeding my daughter at a week old, while I was in the shower. She had bought the bottles and formula "in case of emergency". I told her to back off and she never tried it again. I was disgusted though, because she knew perfectly well I wanted to EBF. She was very annoying over weaning too.

Say 'no' to overnights and mean it.

As for the snide comments, every time she does it, get up, take the baby and leave. A firm 'I'll take her now' and leave the house or if at yours, leave the room.

I lived five hours pre motorways from my Grandparents and saw them probably once or twice a year. I had a great relationship with them and looked forward to going to visit, them coming to stay.

I also had and still have an Aunt in the same area. Since the age of around eight she started being awful to me. Snide comments when no one else was in the room, making me feel stupid, etc. I finally spoke up after my Mother, her sister, died. I had waited as didn't want to upset Mum. It was liberating, I rarely see my aunt now. Please don't let it fester, lance the boil.