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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
oakleydo · 12/10/2021 20:39

Oh god! Hang in there. She sounds awful! You cant let your 4 month old sleep over yet. What pillocks

You see them often enough. Dont let her push in.

I bet you're praying for another lock down

oakleydo · 12/10/2021 20:42

Try and discreetly video her doing the baby voice insult thing! 🤣

Mozzasticks10 · 12/10/2021 20:42

If this is how they behave and the things they say to your child when you’re around, what do you think they’ll be like when you’re not there?

I think you and partner need to address this now and if it continues cut contact…imagine what they’ll be saying about you to your little one when she’s older and you aren’t there?

CheekyHobson · 12/10/2021 20:52

It's always the I laws too, never the parents.

I've seen lots of threads on here where people are struggling with controlling parents. What you're saying is an exaggeration to try to give undeserved weight to your opinion.

I am always uncomfortable about children being used as pawns in any situation, yet time and time again on this thread the op is encouraged to withhold visits to te grandparents. Yet when this is suggested as weaponising the child, more outrage. I think it is much more beneficial to children to see that some relationships can be difficult or stained, and observe how the problem is handled.

Do you not think it is beneficial to a child to learn that the quality of a relationship is correlated with the closeness of that relationship? If a relationship is pleasant and positive, it becomes closer, ie you spend more time together and entrust them with more personal thoughts and influence over your decisions. If a relationship is unpleasant and negative, it becomes more distant, ie you spend less time together and entrust them with fewer personal thoughts and less influence over your decisions. That seems like a valuable lesson for a child to learn to me.

clockingoffcloud · 12/10/2021 20:56

How about speaking to DD in baby voice infront of MIL saying 'oh dear, grandma is being a cunt again isn't she'.............

Mumontour85 · 12/10/2021 21:03

If you don't want to be openly assertive, could always try the same passive aggression that MIL does... throw in a 'when will your granny just shut up and accept that she's not having you overnight' 'you're such a gorgeous girl, all from my side of the family' 'why is your granny so mean to me all the time and why does she not see she's going the wrong way to get what she wants' etc etc.

granny24 · 12/10/2021 21:05

Clothing off cloud brilliant.

Unsubscribed · 12/10/2021 21:15

OP my advice is please take control
The frequency for your child to see their grandparents is for you to decide not hem.
They can't have DD overnight she is too young, Its a no.
Do not give up breast feeding until you want to.
MIl sounds awful.
Good luck

KeriDorn · 12/10/2021 21:18

@oakleydo

Try and discreetly video her doing the baby voice insult thing! 🤣
This exactly and then show your Dh , good luck OP .
Chandimum · 12/10/2021 21:22

@shouldistop

Next time she says something rude I'd just say "MIL id prefer it if you stop pretending you're talking to the baby in order to be rude to me"
This!!
Mollymoostoo · 12/10/2021 21:30

@NailsNeedDoing

You see the in-laws enough. You need to think of some nice comebacks that you can throw back at her through your baby. Play her at her own game.
Exactly. Talk to your DD in a baby voice "you poor thing having such a silly Grandmother". "why does your GM keep wanting you to stay with her, you would scream for mummy all night wouldn't you?" "You poor little thing, having a spineless daddy who wont tell his mother to fuck off"
EarthSight · 12/10/2021 21:32

@naggy095

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you

They're lucky to see her at all after this spiteful, malicious, unnecessary comment (which would be totally downplayed if you confronted her about it I'm sure).

Your parents in law are not allowed to turn your child against you or poison her against you, which they will do if they keep saying things like this to her over and over when she's growing up. They are walking all over you by doing this.

EarthSight · 12/10/2021 21:43

@naggy095

I’ve always been a bit of a wimp and not been very good at being assertive. Next time I will have to say something back because it does need to stop. I’m not sure why they keep asking for overnights even after I’ve declined so many times, and it’s FIL that keeps insisting.

The person asking where DP is when she says these things, funnily enough now that I think about it he’s never in the room!! Whenever I mention to him about what she says he always plays it off as she’s joking about.

Also about the childcare comment, we won’t be using them for childcare and even if they offered I wouldn’t take them up on it Hmm DD will be going to nursery.

I've always been a bit of a wimp and not been very good at being assertive

There we go. She's being an asshole because she can (not that it's your fault actually, because she's probably like that anyway).

There's a difference between not being good at something, and not wanting to do something. A lot of people who say they're 'not good at confrontations' simply unwilling to take on emotional discomfort. They avoid difficult situations because they simply opt-out of the fast heartbeats, the feeling of dread, the nervous stomach and sweating a lot of people experience when they encounter a difficult person or situation.

If you really want to help yourself in future, ask yourself which one fits you more. Are you really 'not good' at it, or as you simply unwilling to put yourself through discomfort a lot of people simple have to take on?

Warn your husband that the next time she says something like this, you'll be gathering your child, getting in the car and driving home. If he wants to come with you, that's his choice, but you're leaving as soon as she starts behaving like this.

People like that will only stop when there are real consequences to their actions. They simply don't care otherwise and will probably delight in getting away with their behaviour.

EarthSight · 12/10/2021 21:49

I mentioned to MIL how I wanted it decorated and MIL didn’t like the sound of it. The next day she called DP whilst he was at work trying to take control of how to decorate her room and that she had already called a decorator to paint DD’s room in the paint colour she liked and was sending him links to decor she wanted in her room

This is awful.

EarthSight · 12/10/2021 21:52

@TopBlogger

When you are changing DD's nappy say in MiL's hearing, "yes you are so much prettier than Mummy DD, and you are much much prettier than your fecking ugly granny arent you? Yes you are!"

Hope the chat with DP went well

As much as this made me giggle, don't start playing that game. Unpleasant people enjoy doing that much more than the average person and have a much larger stomach for it. Only do that when you have no other solution or way out. You do have a way out.

She needs to learn that -

My nasty behaviour = GAME OVER

2ddandabump · 12/10/2021 21:59

I get this. Comments about how she never sees him (my 21 month old DS) ... Oh he could come to me "but he won't stay with me" She lives next door but 2, she sees him most weeks I'm busy, I work and have 2 older children to look after as well. It's not always convenient to bob up, and I don't want to just pass him across to someone else all the time!

I'd be quite tempted to do it back to her... "we see grandma quite a lot don't we.... more than anyone else in the family" smiling all the way 🙄

MissChanandlerBong81 · 12/10/2021 21:59

Good luck OP. I had a similar-ish situation - not quite such nasty comments but pretty bad.

I don’t know if this would work for you because every situation is different but I felt I’d be painted as the bad guy if I was confrontational about it. So I decided that rather than prohibiting contact, I would just stop facilitating it. I told my husband I didn’t like the way his mother treated me and therefore he was welcome to facilitate contact between his son and his parents, but I wouldn’t be doing it. You can’t be rude to someone and expect favours and hospitality from them.

My husband is a lazy arse so the net result is that they rarely see their grandson.

Keelslambo · 12/10/2021 22:11

She shouldn’t be saying those things but why not let her sleep over? I’d bloody love it if my Mum or MIL offered to have my kids to sleep over. What I would give for a night off lol.

AnnieSnap · 12/10/2021 22:23

Reply to your baby “and if granny keeps saying things like this, she is going to see a lot less of you isn’t she, yes she is” 🤬

saraclara · 12/10/2021 22:41

Seriously, don't stoop to her level as so many posters are suggesting.

Speak so that she respects you. Be straightforward.

"MIL, if you want to say something to me, say it. Do not ever criticise me to my child"

MRSsqueak · 12/10/2021 22:53

play her at her own game....
nanny is a mean spirited old prune isnt she?
nanny needs to stop asking if you can stay overnight.... never going to happen... no its not
nanny is no oil painting herself is she?
nanny needs to stop being a petty childish tosspot or she wont be made welcome anymore Grin

Original poster
naggy095 · 12/10/2021 22:54

So DP and I had our chat tonight. Summary of the conversation:

  • he said he didn’t remember me saying to him about MIL’s comments but that if she says it in front of him he will say something to her
  • he is happy for me to speak back to her if she does it again and he will back me up
  • he agreed the comments are rude but it’s ‘just how she is’. I responded that that doesn’t make it ok, he said I know and again said he would back me up if she said anything again
  • he claims that PIL have gone direct to him more than once asking to look after DD ‘to help us out’. And that each time DP has declined, yet they continue to ask
  • he confirms that PIL see DD as their ‘daughter’ so is the reason for their pushiness
  • he agrees it is weird that they are pushing for overnight stays but as mentioned above they will not stop asking
  • he said they are the type that don’t listen no matter how many times you tell them something (I already know this) so they will keep asking to look after DD

They have asked to look after DD at least 10 times since she was born so in 4 months (not including the ones direct to DP behind my back) and each and every time I have declined but they do not listen. MIL actually had the cheek to ask why once… I just said because I said so and she responded ‘oh.’ and pulled a face. They even joked about looking after her and not giving her back.

Thank god I don’t have to see them this weekend anymore!

OP posts:
Bertiebiscuit · 12/10/2021 22:56

Why is your OH tolerating this vile behaviour - she should never be allowed near her grandchild, this is evil abusive behaviour to you and the child - you HAVE to make this abuse stop immediately

MyOtherProfile · 12/10/2021 23:12

Glad your DH will back you. They sound unhinged.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/10/2021 23:17

They even joked about looking after her and not giving her back.

What the fuck.

It’s good you’ve talked. Your problem is he’s a product of his upbringing and seems willing to accept the two pronged bullshit of “it’s just how she is”, which isn’t bloody good enough, and “but they keep asking”, so fucking what? He needs to tell them to stop!

They’re harassing his partner and the mother of his new baby and he needs to realise how serious he is and what he needs to do to keep your family unit safe from these arseholes.