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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

508 replies

naggy095 · 11/10/2021 07:21

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 11/10/2021 16:13

@Katyppp

It's time to stop being a wimp as you now have a child who's advocate you will have to be.

An advocate - it's mn bingo on this thread!

Your two posts just show what kind of person you are.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/10/2021 16:27

Haven't RTFT, so if the situation has moved on or I'm repeating someone else's advice, apologies.

I have read all OP's updates through. This isn't about frequency of contact, but their behaviour when contact does take place. These people are such adroit boundary-stampers that if you increased it to a week, that wouldn't be good enough either. Nor, it seems, would anything you ever do.

OP this has the potential for parental alienation written all over it. They are showing you who they are, and exactly what tactics they intend to adopt to assert their 'rights' as grandparents and your lack of them as a mother.

They are already, and in a very infantile manner, addressing your daughter with complaints they'd like to put to you. What a pathetic way of handling supposed adult discussion, when something is happening that's not pleasing them.

From my own viewpoint they would not be having contact at all, let alone on a fortnightly basis, until this behaviour stopped. As for overnight stays, forget it.

I can't recommend Susan Forward's Toxic In-Laws enough. It's a game-changer. And I don't want to be a catastrophiser, but the you have to nip this in the bud now or they will have a damned good try at alienating you from your daughter. Their MO is transparent and in the open; the clue is in their current behaviour.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2021 16:53

@Katyppp

Clearly the vast majority of mn mums on this thread enjoy the power that holding all the cards (ie the baby) gives them. Some of te responses, are more suitable for chastising a junior member of staff than talking to you MIL (an equal adult!) I do hope you will all behave when you are grandmothers as you won't be the queen bee then, you DIL will 🤣🤣🤣
A junior member of staff is an equal adult. Don't be a prick to your employees.
Original poster
naggy095 · 11/10/2021 17:01

Those that have said she sounds like the type to try and get in there with DD’s ‘firsts’... she is absolutely the type to do so.

We’re moving from a 1 bed property to a 2 bed in a couple of weeks so DD will be getting her own room. I mentioned to MIL how I wanted it decorated and MIL didn’t like the sound of it. The next day she called DP whilst he was at work trying to take control of how to decorate her room and that she had already called a decorator to paint DD’s room in the paint colour she liked and was sending him links to decor she wanted in her room Confused I get she might have been trying to be helpful in this situation but we already said to her what WE wanted.

This Christmas will also our first as a family of 3 and we wanted to spend Christmas Day at home. I’m more than happy to see PIL on Xmas eve or Boxing Day. We mentioned this to them and they tutted and said oh for goodness sake. They will no doubt make constant comments about wanting to come on Christmas Day despite us having already said no. They thought they were going to be coming over on Xmas day without actually being invited, and said about how they were looking forward to us cooking dinner for them whilst they look after DD.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into a MIL bashing thread, but I’ve realised after everyone’s comments how bad she is actually is.

OP posts:
Same360 · 11/10/2021 17:11

“My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄”

That’s so, so rude! You need to tell your partner about that one and he should have a word with her. I wouldn’t be having that

TrueGrit54 · 11/10/2021 17:36

We have Christmas in our own house, just the 4 of us and dog. It is bliss. Family accepted years ago that we do things our way. Stand firm on Christmas with your own little family, if you cave I promise you it will be expected every year for ever after. Also, might be wise to stop telling your MIL your plans or ideas. I like my MIL (but then she is very polite and nice with me).

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/10/2021 17:50

We’re moving from a 1 bed property to a 2 bed in a couple of weeks so DD will be getting her own room. I mentioned to MIL how I wanted it decorated and MIL didn’t like the sound of it. The next day she called DP whilst he was at work trying to take control of how to decorate her room and that she had already called a decorator to paint DD’s room in the paint colour she liked and was sending him links to decor she wanted in her room confused I get she might have been trying to be helpful in this situation but we already said to her what WE wanted.

No, she was not trying to be helpful. Don’t frame it that way as it just isn’t true. I hope your DP made it very clear to her that it’s not her business and she’s not to interfere.

Redjumper1 · 11/10/2021 17:58

Your MIL is not trying to be helpful. She is trying to control the room and do it the way she wants because she thinks her opinion should trump yours/your husbands. Nothing helpful about it and I think you need to get your DH on board to manage her going forward. The tut means "yeah right" and if I was betting woman, I would say she will be there on Christmas day unless your DH puts boundaries in place.

TubeOfSmarties · 11/10/2021 18:04

It seems more than enough in the case of your rude and offensive MIL. And please don't be bullied / emotionally blackmailed into an overnight stay until you are ready, There will come a time you are grateful but 4 months old is probably not that!

IrishMel · 11/10/2021 18:08

She sounds mean spirited, horrible and very nasty. You need to tell her to stop doing that as no way would my baby/toddler be staying over at their house now or ever in the future as she will be saying mean things about you. I never had my baby (he is 21 now) stay over when he was a baby and they are lucky you even let them into your house. Once a week is enough to be putting up with that crap and you need to talk to your husband and tell him calmly if she does not stop this behavior she is not welcome anymore. She sounds like she needs someone to just stand up to her. I was like you afraid to stand up for myself, but now I would call her out every time and ask her to leave if she did not change the way she acts.

IrishMel · 11/10/2021 18:13

Just saw your update. Tell her you are decorating your baby's room as you please and can she please stop trying to control your family. Do not have them over for Christmas Day. They sound like a nightmare. Tell your husband to grow a pair and to tell them to butt out now. They are the type of inlaws that will try to turn your own daughter against you. Shocking the way she thinks she can just take over. Both of you need to stand your ground and lay down some rules when they visit and if not they are not welcome.

MissConductUS · 11/10/2021 18:14

OP, keep in mind that you hold the power here. It's your house, your child, and your husband. She knows it too, which is why she's trying so hard to worm her way into power over you.

If she says something rude to you over the phone, hang up. Tell her that if she shows up uninvited at any time, she can't come in. Think of it like training a puppy. If she otherwise misbehaves go no contact for a month. She'll learn.

Bluetrews25 · 11/10/2021 18:47

Please don't let her decorator do the room, even to your specifications. Do it yourselves, don't let her interfere. Or she will be phoning the decorator to change the colour behind your back. Or something else to put her own stamp on it. It's your house and your baby. Not hers.

PorkTheDork · 11/10/2021 19:06

And here I am, wishing my MIL would do something like this so I have an excuse to cut her off.

I'm sorry she's such a bitch to you, OP. I hope you find the strength to stand up to her.

MeridianB · 11/10/2021 19:48

Imagine going into your baby’s room in your lovely new home every day and seeing MIL’s decor.

There are million ways a parent or in-law can offer genuine support. With her it’s so obviously all about control.

Don’t let your DH be fooled by her pretence of help’.

5128gap · 11/10/2021 20:09

@Rosscameasdoody

Your DD has her own relationship with her grandparents and she and they are entitled to pursue this, even if you don't like each other

No they’re not. Grandparents have zero rights. Even if they took legal action the courts would take the parents’ side if they have valid reasons for stopping access.

I was actually referring to the rights of the child to have a relationship with her grandparents. The MIL clearly doesn't like OP, but there's no reason to think her and DD won't be able to have a relationship. DD is a person, not the property of OP or an extension of her. Yes she's 4 months old now, but she won't always be, and unless there are reasons why a relationship with the grandparents would be bad for DD, I don't think it should be blocked by OP as revenge for rudeness.
5128gap · 11/10/2021 20:16

@Katyppp

There’s being a pain and there’s being personal, nasty and disrespectful while demanding access to a baby that’s not in the baby’s interest.

It's this weirdly faux legalese way of talking that makes me smile.

They're the baby's grandparents, for goodness sake!

Abd no to the PP, my first MIL was awful but it made no sense from a family point of view to fall out, as it would affect everybody.
Unlike most posters on here, I didn't see the baby as my personal possession to be used as a pawn to get what I wanted. I also didn't think my sensibilities were that important in the grand scheme of my son's relationship with his grandma. In other words, it wasn't all about me.

I agree entirely. My ex MIL disliked me intensely, and it was mutual. Her and DD have a lovely relationship and it would have been deeply unfair and spiteful of me to misuse my 'power' as mum to prevent it.
Cherrysoup · 11/10/2021 20:17

Massive overstepping re decorating your dd’s room. Why the fuck does she think she can override what you want done in your house? Really weird. Also very odd that she doesn’t realise that by being rude, you are very likely to withdraw and if your dh isn’t close to them, it is highly unlikely that he’ll keep up regular contact. Very shortsighted of them.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 20:22

Trying to take over how your DD’s room will be decorated. Expecting you to cook Xmas dinner while they look after your DD - WTF ? She’s overstepping boundaries all over the place and practically turning herself inside out trying to force a confrontation with you - and doing it indirectly through your DP to try to maximise the damage. You have to stop this, and now. Make it clear that they do not, and never will have, any input into how you decorate your baby’s room in YOUR home. You want your first Christmas with your DD to be a private affair so she needs to know that any unplanned intrusion won’t work and she won’t get over the doorstep.

Redjumper1 · 11/10/2021 20:26

@5128gap the OP is not writing about a MIL who does not like her and whom she does not like. Its okay to not like each other. Being very disrespectful is obviously very different which is what this thread is about.

I don't like Ann in work and so I don' t have much to do with her is not a big deal. I don't like Ann in work and so I bully her, will get me fired. Same applies here

I presume if your daughter has a good relationship with her GM that your GM did not belittle and bully you. Good for you.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 20:33

Unlike most posters on here, I didn't see the baby as my personal possession to be used as a pawn to get what I wanted. I also didn't think my sensibilities were that important in the grand scheme of my son's relationship with his grandma. In other words, it wasn't all about me.

It’s not about sensibilities, or using the baby as a pawn ffs !! It’s about setting boundaries so that the OP and her DP can get some peace as parents without having toxic in laws interfering and trying to impose their will at every turn.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/10/2021 20:34

I agree entirely. My ex MIL disliked me intensely, and it was mutual. Her and DD have a lovely relationship and it would have been deeply unfair and spiteful of me to misuse my 'power' as mum to prevent it.

These are fair points. But the issue of concern here is the potential for parental alienation. Just reread the OP. That particular modus operandi is clearly there in the behaviour the in-laws are exhibiting, and the child is too young even to understand them yet. What about when she is?

This has the potential to drive a very nasty wedge into the family dynamic. The first point to make in relation to this is that there is no way this is in any child's interests. The second, is that as a PP points out, the rights of the child, as well as the course of action which is in the best interests of the child, are the family courts' paramount concern. It's quite telling that parental alienation is one form of behaviour the judges recognise as incredibly damaging, and they tend to take a very dim view of it indeed.

There is no love whatsoever lost between me and my MiL, and my husband solely deals with the relationship between him, her, and our child. I'm happy to let him do so, and I take a back seat and allow them to continue that relationship without my interference. I don't visit, but if she visits here and I happen to be here, I'm civil. Unfortunate though it is, I've never really known her very well and my relationship with her doesn't' go beyond this.

If she were attempting this damaging course with my child, you can bet I'd be singing a very different tune.

littlebilliie · 11/10/2021 20:34

@girlmom21

MIL needs to pack it in because soon enough DD will understand
Sadly this is true, the weirdness around PIL and families can be strange. I think you will have a much better relationship with them if you stand your ground now
Rosscameasdoody · 11/10/2021 20:35

I don't like Ann in work and so I don' t have much to do with her is not a big deal. I don't like Ann in work and so I bully her, will get me fired. Same applies here

This 100%

5128gap · 11/10/2021 20:39

[quote Redjumper1]@5128gap the OP is not writing about a MIL who does not like her and whom she does not like. Its okay to not like each other. Being very disrespectful is obviously very different which is what this thread is about.

I don't like Ann in work and so I don' t have much to do with her is not a big deal. I don't like Ann in work and so I bully her, will get me fired. Same applies here

I presume if your daughter has a good relationship with her GM that your GM did not belittle and bully you. Good for you.[/quote]
You are missing my point. Its not how badly the MIL behaves that is the point at issue. The point I'm making is that a child is not their mother's possession (or a job, to use your analogy) that can be withheld or withdrawn as a sanction. Yes, practically and legally mothers often do use their children this way, giving little thought to the rights of 'their' child, but unlike most people on here, I don't think its the only or best way. There is no reason why the OP needs to stop her DD seeing her grandmother. She just needs to stop seeing her herself.