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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 10/10/2021 09:24

For context I'm a bit of a raver myself and it's pretty common to meet our friends at 12/1.

BUT...it's also a red flag. Why didn't he ask you to come along ?

goingtotown · 10/10/2021 09:25

Midnight is 12am.

maddy68 · 10/10/2021 09:26

I have just remembered about the boxing. Lots of my friends had boxing get together last night makes sense. ...not an issue

daisypond · 10/10/2021 09:26

When a man is really into a woman, he'd be cancelling everything for the chance to get intimate.

I’m not sure I agree. You can be really into a woman without cancelling everything else in order to get intimate. I would be put off if a man cancelled plans to do that. A decent man wouldn’t.

billy1966 · 10/10/2021 09:27

I think it was very, very rude.

If he had later plans he should have flagged them earlier and give you a chance to reschedule.

To be dropped at 11pm on a Saturday is so cheeky and rude.

I'd be done.

I have zero tolerance for rudeness and he was rude.

Sorry OP.
Flowers

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 09:30

I think if I had plans at midnight and my 3rd date felt the need to post on a forum about it, I'd want to choose somebody else. He could have any number of perfectly viable reasons, and may well have come on the date despite his plans, because he really really wanted to see you, even if it was too briefly.

He hadn't promised you sex, but you're behaving as if he had. Your expectations were off, and you're blaming him for it. It's not his fault.

Summerfun54321 · 10/10/2021 09:34

Jesus chill out. If this was a reverse and a guy binned you for not having sex after the third date then we’d all be saying you had a lucky escape! It’s London, there’s loads happening late at night into the early morning. Chances are he compromised and decided to join his friends later in order to meet you.

Porcupineintherough · 10/10/2021 09:35

It's neither cheeky nor rude @billy1966 - except maybe in some weird dating rulebook that youve chosen to adopt.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 09:36

@billy1966

I think it was very, very rude.

If he had later plans he should have flagged them earlier and give you a chance to reschedule.

To be dropped at 11pm on a Saturday is so cheeky and rude.

I'd be done.

I have zero tolerance for rudeness and he was rude.

Sorry OP.
Flowers

Surprising there is even a few people feel entitled this way. That if you agree a date you’re entitled to their time as long as you wish it and they are not permitted to spend a reasonable time with you and leave after.

Chilling.

furbabymama87 · 10/10/2021 09:40

Maybe it was an excuse to end the date without sex? It sounds like the date was long enough so maybe he just wanted to leave it there without hurting your feelings. Or he might genuinely have had plans. In that case it would probably have been better to reschedule the date so you weren't feeling brushed aside, but he doesn't owe you sex. For some people it takes longer. I would just see how the next date goes if there is one. I think you know in your gut if a man is really likes you or if you're being messed about.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 09:42

This isn't about sex exactly. I was simply put off by his ending things so abruptly.

He said earlier in the night that he would love to get together to go to a museum or something in the daytime. I think it is likely that he is dating multiple people (I would expect this) and also looking for a relationship.

I met him on OLD.

If he had tried to escort me home, I would not have liked this.

I realise that this post in general may seem petulant - but I really found his behaviour very confusing.

OP posts:
gannett · 10/10/2021 09:44

Yeah, sadly he's just not that into you. When a man is really into a woman, he'd be cancelling everything for the chance to get intimate.

Yes because men are nothing but perpetually horny sex machines, always up for it at any time.

Christ I really thought we'd moved past this kind of stone age thinking in 2021.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 09:45

@cocavino

This isn't about sex exactly. I was simply put off by his ending things so abruptly.

He said earlier in the night that he would love to get together to go to a museum or something in the daytime. I think it is likely that he is dating multiple people (I would expect this) and also looking for a relationship.

I met him on OLD.

If he had tried to escort me home, I would not have liked this.

I realise that this post in general may seem petulant - but I really found his behaviour very confusing.

But what’s he done that’s confusing? You went for dinner and music, he ended the date at a reasonable time, texted to say he had a great time, said he wanted to see you again

The fact you got waxed and are desperate, using your words, isn’t really his fault.

DotsandCo · 10/10/2021 09:45

Good lord, you're easily upset OP! You had a nice evening, dinner, music...then because he didn't do what you wanted, you spit your dummy out!

I think he's escaped lightly 👍

TrollsAreSaddos · 10/10/2021 09:46

I don’t see the issue either. You just wanted different things.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 09:47

@Bluntness100 i have repeatedly said that the abrupt ending was confusing. In all likelihood, I would not have wanted to go that far physically, but I thought he would show slightly more interest.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 09:49

Honestly op yoire going to struggle with relationships if you develop some weird rule they are not permitted to end the date at 11pm

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 09:49

@DotsandCo i haven't dated in 10 years. This was a sincere question about whether it was weird. It appears not to have been fully unreasonable, either, because the vote is 59/41

OP posts:
RogueV · 10/10/2021 09:49

You were YANBU

Until you said he was a clubber and needed travel

I am a clubber and have been known to go out after midnight.

So now YABU

Tal45 · 10/10/2021 09:50

I thought you were both in your 20's. I couldn't imagine dating a man who still went clubbing in his mid 40's. I went once when I'd just turned 30 and felt really old then even though I'd loved clubbing in my early 20's. I wouldn't be interested.

DotsandCo · 10/10/2021 09:50

@Branleuse

I would feel a bit put out too if i was expecting date to last longer.

It lasted 5 hours!! 🤣 That's a long 'date number 3' by anyone's standards!!

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 09:51

@RogueV thanks. I don't know the ways of clubbers.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 09:52

How old is he? Could he possibly have caring responsibilities that he doesn’t feel comfortable confusing just yet?

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 09:52

Confiding, not confusing.

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 09:53

He doesn't see owe you sex. And whilst you say that it's not about sex, your comments about getting a wax, wanting more physical touch from him etc, and reluctance to end the date after a perfectly reasonable length of time makes it very much seem like you expected sex. Can you imagine how creepy and red-flaggy this would seem if it was the other way round.

Sex needs to be if and when you are both comfortable with it, not a given after 3 dates! And yes, his reason for leaving may be an excuse to avoid sex, but presumably that's ok because your wouldn't want to pressure him into sex would you...