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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
MerylSqueak · 10/10/2021 08:33

I think it could be a quite positive thing if he doesn't want to have sex on the third date, but it depends what you're after

I think the text about you getting home wasn't weird.

beigebrownblue · 10/10/2021 08:35

It might be straightforward.
But it might be manipulative.

Deliberately going away because you hadn't signalled you wanted to have sex with him?
Trying to punish you in some way.
I think it's weird.

bathsh3ba · 10/10/2021 08:35

And I also wouldn't expect to be being taken home on the third date. Seen to my car, or on to my bus/taxi/train, yes. But not escorted home. Then again he wouldn't be getting near my home by a third date, my teenage kids would be there!

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 08:36

@5catsonthedesk

OP, I can see what you mean as, if he was keen, the date would have obviously been a natural progression from the last one.

Also, most men would take you home - not just drop you at a train station! How rude.

It’s fine if he’s not expecting sex on a third date. I’m a bit older than you and nobody would have had that expectation in the 90s, for instance. But it does sound like he ended the date abruptly and it was different to the one before. So go with your gut feeling about this. Sorry. Anyway, it’s only one man in the whole world...

This is just odd. It’s not the 1950s, and it’s not ok for either gender to expect sex, and he’s allowed to do something after the date
Standrewsschool · 10/10/2021 08:42

He probably presumed you would be finished in time for him to go out with with his mates, and only when you suggested staying longer did he mention it.

Three dates is too soon to be invited on a works do.

He’s not done anything wrong.

crimsonlake · 10/10/2021 08:42

Second date I am usually still considering if I find then interesting enough for another date, not hoping for a night of passion. Some people like to take things slower.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/10/2021 08:44

Why didn’t he invite you to the next place ?

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 08:46

@GoodnightGrandma

Why didn’t he invite you to the next place ?
What? He’s met her three times, why would he possibly invite her put with his mates, that’s so weird and needy.
Longtalljosie · 10/10/2021 08:46

Oh my goodness, you are overthinking this. It’s a leaving do. It is set in stone. He probably double-booked himself as he was keen to see you (or just plain forgot about the leaving do when he made his plans with you) then once he realised came up with this as a compromise rather than cancel and run the risk of you thinking he wasn’t interested. It might have been a little clumsy but we’re all human. At date 3 there will be plans he has in the calendar which he committed to before he even met you. Then he tried to keep up interacting with you (let me know you’re home safe / I had such a good time) to try to make sure you got the message he is keen.

Let it go, this is not a sign of anything. If he keeps this sort of thing up then fine, drop him, but you’re joining someone’s full life - does he have to drop everything by date 3? You seem to think date 3 is where you definitely have sex but plenty of marriages have thrived following sex on date 4…

GoodnightGrandma · 10/10/2021 08:48

Bluntness 100 - no it’s not. I think it’s rude to dump her at 11 and carry on his night.

butterpuffed · 10/10/2021 08:48

It's only your third date, you don't even know him yet but you're already brushing him off . You don't sound that keen.

pictish · 10/10/2021 08:50

Thank you for saying that Bluntness…I was wondering how to put it.
Why didn’t he invite OP along? Aye right.

Alcemeg · 10/10/2021 08:53

@neverknowinglyunreasonable

I have a theory. Did he turn up in a coach shaped like a pumpkin?
🤣
Fallagain · 10/10/2021 08:59

@cocavino

And he wants me to send him a message saying I am home. Why? What is the point of this? Is that sweet???
To make sure you got home safe.
inigomontoyahwillcox · 10/10/2021 09:00

I think if he's making you feel this way after 3 dates (not that I am placing blame with either of you) then maybe he's not the one for you.

gannett · 10/10/2021 09:03

Sad to say I would have felt less safe with a man I'd only met three times insisting on walking me to my door than going back alone myself (which one does on a daily basis anyway).

JaneW70 · 10/10/2021 09:07

Christ Almighty. Imagine the response if this were a reverse!

There's no law that says he had to have sex on the third date. I would be personally glad he has a social life and wasn't looking to jump into bed at the first opportunity.

He may not be the right man for you OP but he's done nothing wrong!

anon12345678901 · 10/10/2021 09:11

@GoodnightGrandma

Bluntness 100 - no it’s not. I think it’s rude to dump her at 11 and carry on his night.
Why would anyone introduce a third date to their friends? If it was a night for an event like a birthday or leaving then it could have been impossible to reschedule.
gurnnine · 10/10/2021 09:12

There's nothing wrong with how he handled it, but maybe should have elaborated a bit more "I need to leave by midnight because I'm watching the boxing at a friends... " or whatever.

I think the most likely explanation is that he's just not that into you. Sorry

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 09:12

@GoodnightGrandma

Bluntness 100 - no it’s not. I think it’s rude to dump her at 11 and carry on his night.
Gosh. Well I’m not even sure what to say to that.
Lex345 · 10/10/2021 09:12

5 hours for a 3rd date is a long time and although there is nothing wrong with having sex on 1st, 2nd, 3rd or whatever dates it shouldn't be expected by either person surely?
Think its a bit silly to write him off over this OP. If he works in a professional job all week (I am guessing unlikely to go out clubbing then), of course he wants to make the most of his days off-including spending time with his friends. After 3 dates, I would not be blowing my friends off either. And I wouldnt be taking such an early dating partner along on a night out.

mrsevangelina · 10/10/2021 09:12

It does sound like you expected to stay over/him to come to yours, which not everyone wants on the third date and shouldn't be expected. 6:45-11:30is is a normal length for a date in my book. Tbh i don't see the issue with this at at all, why can't he meet his friends after meeting you?

It's not like he was deserting you at 8pm!

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 09:14

@JaneW70

Christ Almighty. Imagine the response if this were a reverse!

There's no law that says he had to have sex on the third date. I would be personally glad he has a social life and wasn't looking to jump into bed at the first opportunity.

He may not be the right man for you OP but he's done nothing wrong!

I know can you imagine

Met a bird, we snogged passionately on the second date so I was expecting her to put out and give me a shag on the third date, I even bought the condoms , anyway works out she had our date and continued on with seperate plans with her mate after. Can’t believe she didn’t put out.

RoyKentsHairyBack · 10/10/2021 09:21

I too am struggling to see what he did wrong.

You had a nice long date
He had a prior commitment but was keen enough on you to put your date first - I bet at 40 that party didn't start at midnight.
He probably thought your date would be over well before he needed to go
He checked you got home safely and told you he had a good time

Seems to me he likes you but I presume if he's in his 40s he's had his fair share of getting his fingers burnt and may be a bit rusty too so f dh identify want to rush things. Also if he had the party invite first, he doesn't want to blow off old friends for someone he's only met twice before.

But if you don't like him that's ok, don't see him again. It just doesn't seem to me that his behaviour in itself on this date warrants that.

Phobiaphobic · 10/10/2021 09:22

@cocavino

We went out for dinner and music. I feel fairly annoyed even if that's not rational. I'm minded to make this the last date so that I can focus on men who seem more interested.
Yeah, sadly he's just not that into you. When a man is really into a woman, he'd be cancelling everything for the chance to get intimate.