To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

[cocavino]

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

I don’t like seeing someone who admits to a level of insecurity having it twisted and used against them. Horrible to read.

@5catsonthedesk

I don’t like seeing someone who admits to a level of insecurity having it twisted and used against them. Horrible to read.

So she admits to 'a level of insecurity' .

Can you copy and paste that bit?

Or is that your opinion? Like all of your posts. (Dressed up by you as facts.)

And how, if it is, is it any better than saying she is emotionally fragile?

@5catsonthedesk

I don’t like seeing someone who admits to a level of insecurity having it twisted and used against them. Horrible to read.

OP has asked for people's opinions about what's gone on. Some are favourable to her behaviour, some aren't. Nobody is 'twisting' things or 'using them against her'.

But your view that they are explains a lot, and explains why OP is in agreement with you and barely anybody else. It's a distortion of perception that makes you feel other people are doing something bad. Exactly like OP has distorted her date's actions into him 'doing something bad'.

She does admit to a level of insecurity. That is brave. That’s precisely why she is asserting her boundaries following this ‘incident’. She’s saying, I’ve been in a relationship where I didn’t feel valued. I still don’t feel particularly great so the last thing I need to make myself feel worse by making myself available to men who appear as if aren’t that into me, or give off mixed signals.

@5catsonthedesk

Well are people on here actually men? All the comments about ‘you just wanted a shag’ are horrible, frankly. I can’t imagine women who would keep bs gong in about this to undermine the OP and try to convince her she is wrong.

She is not wrong. She was there. She got the vibes. She sensed things had changed since the previous date. She is 100% entitled to her own feelings. These are valid. She is entitled to her own boundaries in terms of what she is prepared to put up with. She doesn’t need to be made to feel bad or in the wrong. It’s as simple as that.

I'm definitely female and read it before OP back peddled when people rightly pointed out no one is entitled to sex.

Resorting to “Well are people on here actually men?” actually says it all.

Staggering how some people just can’t accept when others have a different opinion and resort to rudeness themselves.

The way I read OP's 'backtracking' is that she is working through her own feelings and thoughts about this situation as this thread progresses. I don't see it as necessarily changing her mind, but developing her own understanding of what's going on for her emotionally.

Why would us being men make any difference anyway? This isn't a men vs women issue. No one should automatically side with their same sex just because.

Perhaps you can find the words 'emotional insecurity' so we know it's not just you saying them? @5catsonthedesk

I don't think you are reading the same as others here.
If you are, then you are clearly determined to ignore all the good stuff the guy did.

You are intent on focusing on ONE single thing, that almost 70% of voters think was okay.

If he had left after an afternoon date, for a dinner event with friends, would you be saying the same thing?

How much notice, in your opinion, does someone on a 3rd date have to give of another plan they have for much later in the day?

Are you in a happy relationship yourself?

I don’t think the man did anything ‘bad.’ Have you never been in a date and, during the course of it, you realise that while you’re with a perfectly pleasant and interesting person, if you are honest you can’t really see it going anywhere. So you cool off. The snogging or whatever that was happening on the previous date isn’t continued. Instead you finish the evening in a way that is polite and pleasant enough, but basically non-committal. It’s usually obvious when this kind of thing is happening. It’s just a natural cooling off. You just know. Nobody is in the ‘wrong’ as such, but the OP is certainly not wrong for trusting her instincts here and not feeling the need to push matters in these circumstances.

@Helpmyboobs

The way I read OP's 'backtracking' is that she is working through her own feelings and thoughts about this situation as this thread progresses. I don't see it as necessarily changing her mind, but developing her own understanding of what's going on for her emotionally.

There was a very sharp change in her manner about sex the first night of the thread when it was pointed out that no-one is entitled to sex.

@Helpmyboobs

The way I read OP's 'backtracking' is that she is working through her own feelings and thoughts about this situation as this thread progresses. I don't see it as necessarily changing her mind, but developing her own understanding of what's going on for her emotionally.

I think 'I even waxed!' isn't really to do with emotions. She was clearly expecting sex. To say later on that she was not expecting sex is disingenuous, rather than a 'new understanding of her emotions'.

Fgs, I never said that he couldn't have plans after. It was just weird not to communicate those plans to me.

It's not @5catsonthedesk irrationally arguing against everyone else. A significant proportion of posters have said IANBU. They simply seem to be less vocal

The incident has not caused me a severe crisis of self worth. It did feel deflating that he gave me a peck and ran off when I might have expected slightly more based on the last date. And of course that in itself represents a shift in his behaviour!

My further comments about my self worth relate to other issues in my life. I really have had a kicking lately!

My therapist has explicitly said that it would be good to get out and date to develop this skill and practice understanding appropriate boundaries etc.

To be honest, I doubt that everyone who is dating is completely emotionally healthy, with clear ideas of what they want from dating/a relationship. I don't think I am such a broken freak as some people seem to be suggesting. I find dating difficult and I am working out what I do and don't want and what type of behaviour is acceptable to me.

‘If he had left after an afternoon date, for a dinner event with friends, would you be saying the same thing?’

What does this have to do with it?

The OP is talking about her feelings on this particular, given date and how she sensed a shift in relation to the previous one.

@Bluntness100

So basically you planned to have sex wirh him and as he didn’t offer that up you’re pissed?

Yeah I can see how if a man posted this about a woman it would go well.

Quite.

The change in my attitude occurred between going to sleep and waking up, when I had a chance to unpick my feelings and get over the surprise and disappointment of the extremely sudden end to the date.

Of course he didn't owe me sex. I definitely haven't suggested he does.

And just because you wax doesn't mean that you definitely plan on sex . Surely it's just good forward planning to avoid potential embarrassment?

@5catsonthedesk

I don’t think the man did anything ‘bad.’ Have you never been in a date and, during the course of it, you realise that while you’re with a perfectly pleasant and interesting person, if you are honest you can’t really see it going anywhere. So you cool off. The snogging or whatever that was happening on the previous date isn’t continued. Instead you finish the evening in a way that is polite and pleasant enough, but basically non-committal. It’s usually obvious when this kind of thing is happening. It’s just a natural cooling off. You just know. Nobody is in the ‘wrong’ as such, but the OP is certainly not wrong for trusting her instincts here and not feeling the need to push matters in these circumstances.

He wouldn't have made a 3rd date and tried to make a 4th day if he wasn't interested. The OP (and you?) has set ideas in her mind of what a man being interested in her looks like. He didn't display those actions. Just maybe he displays it in a different way hmm. Like wanting to spend time with her and wanting to hear from her later.

Do you still think your spectacularly rude and huffy decision to not text him when you were home safe, and to ignore his text until the next day, was ok?

And just because you wax doesn't mean that you definitely plan on sex confused. Surely it's just good forward planning to avoid potential embarrassment?

Eh?

So what is the difference between expectation of forward planning?

You are playing with words.

And FWIW I have never ever waxed my fanjo if that's what you did, for a man or anyone in my life

Full bush and they love it or loathe it.

Of course he didn't owe me sex. I definitely haven't suggested he does.
You are being disingenuous.
Read your own early posts again.
You clearly said you wanted sex after not having had it for ages.

You are now trying to rewrite the past (posts) and it's not working.

@JustLyra
I don't think that it was any worse than him springing his midnight plans on me at the last minute.

I didn't owe him a text anymore than he owed me advance notice of his onward plans. I thought the request to tell him when I got home safely was disingenuous. He was clubbing with his friends, not worrying about me

And my text the next morning was friendly and included an apology for not responding the previous night. It would probably have been better to respond the preceding evening. If he decides that it's unforgivably rude, that's fine.

[quote cocavino]@JustLyra
I don't think that it was any worse than him springing his midnight plans on me at the last minute.

I didn't owe him a text anymore than he owed me advance notice of his onward plans. I thought the request to tell him when I got home safely was disingenuous. He was clubbing with his friends, not worrying about me

And my text the next morning was friendly and included an apology for not responding the previous night. It would probably have been better to respond the preceding evening. If he decides that it's unforgivably rude, that's fine.[/quote]
They are two very different things. Not texting someone to tell them you got home safe out of pure spite is childish and rude.

The re-writing of this thread is hilarious, but the OP gas got what they wanted in a couple of people agreeing with them so all is well.

Good luck with your next foray into dating, I’d be amazed if this guy bothers again.

@NotresDames my wanting sex and that desire influencing my behaviour in some ways does not mean that I believe that he owes me sex.

I almost definitely would not have had sex. Believe it or don't. I thought we would at least progress in that direction.

And I'm not being disingenuous. I just like to be prepared. I might get cash out in case I walk by the fruit stand and see some exceptional produce. It doesn't mean that I definitely have a plan to purchase fruit. It just means that I don't want to be caught out without cash if I see something nice.

@5catsonthedesk

‘If he had left after an afternoon date, for a dinner event with friends, would you be saying the same thing?’

What does this have to do with it?

The OP is talking about her feelings on this particular, given date and how she sensed a shift in relation to the previous one.

It's because you keep stating the rules about what people are allowed to do at the end of a date. I just wondered if 'the rules' apply to all dates, or just evening ones.