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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 10:14

But you clearly had such a good night you wished to carry on. You were even waxing as you were thinking of shagging him you were that into him

All that happened is he had to go to a friends leaving do after your date.

Exactly. You were annoyed OP because you were into him. His going on someone made you feel a bit insecure allied with the peck goodbye.

If you have been in abusive relationship and failed to read the signs, I can understand why you would be hypervigilant. But there’s a difference between sociability and abuse.

Looking at it from the other side, I’d be a bit freaked out if a man expected my undivided attention on date 3, wanted sex, and was stropping about me seeing my friends.

TatianaBis · 11/10/2021 10:19

was she that into him or just wanting sex after a long drought?

Into him enough to want sex. I don’t think she wouldn’t be so put out if she wasn’t.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 10:21

was she that into him or just wanting sex after a long drought?

What a question, I really doubt it was any cock will do. She also wanted him to stay longer than the five hours he’d already spent with her.

TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 10:26

@5catsonthedesk

It’s not about ‘putting out.’ Please stop being so obtuse. I can’t explain any more.
Yes, because you've explained in lots of different ways until you're fed up with explaining, but many PPs still seem to be disagreeing with you. Tedious, isn't it?

The man had things to do after a date. People accepting that aren't people who are vulnerable in their attitudes to abusive relationships; quite the opposite. They are people who understand boundaries, and that he has every right to his life outside of this date, and that OP has no right to expect an evening date to go on into the night, unless it's been previously agreed. She might want it, and she might be upset she didn't get it. That's her prerogative. But him not giving her what she wants isn't a black mark against him.

What would you say if he'd met OP for a lunch date, and then said goodbye at 5pm because he was meeting friends for dinner? Is that a red flag too? If not, what's the difference? And if so... well, wow.

TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 10:30

@TatianaBis

Looking at it from the other side, I’d be a bit freaked out if a man expected my undivided attention on date 3, wanted sex, and was stropping about me seeing my friends

That's it, in a nutshell. Well said.

MsHedgehog · 11/10/2021 10:39

[quote TheFoundations]@TatianaBis

Looking at it from the other side, I’d be a bit freaked out if a man expected my undivided attention on date 3, wanted sex, and was stropping about me seeing my friends

That's it, in a nutshell. Well said.[/quote]
Hey, but you have it wrong. It’s ok when it’s a woman doing it, because double standards are ok when it’s in the woman’s favour!

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 10:39

Yes, because you've explained in lots of different ways until you're fed up with explaining, but many PPs still seem to be disagreeing with you. Tedious, isn't it?

Hahahaha! So tedious, darling. How dare other silly women disagree with you?
If only you said the same thing one more time, they would all see sense.

In RL, do you always have to be right @5catsonthedesk

Can you never accept that your view may be wrong?

I think you need more work and tighter deadlines. That one at 12 is giving you far too much time to play around on MN.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 10:41

Sorry @TheFoundations I thought you were quoting 5cats.
Point still stands about her.

MsHedgehog · 11/10/2021 10:44

What makes this thread so frustrating is that despite numerous posters trying to give OP a head wobble, one comes along who is determined to be right and takes a worrying view to dating, and OP decides to agree with her, decide she is right and ignore all her advice others given. That isn’t helpful for OP at all, and it’s sad.

Dreamsupreme · 11/10/2021 10:48

@MsHedgehog

What makes this thread so frustrating is that despite numerous posters trying to give OP a head wobble, one comes along who is determined to be right and takes a worrying view to dating, and OP decides to agree with her, decide she is right and ignore all her advice others given. That isn’t helpful for OP at all, and it’s sad.
I agree. I was pretty tough dating men as have super strong boundaries and take no crap. Really can’t see what this man did wrong! very surprised other posters think there is an issue here
Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 10:50

@MsHedgehog

What makes this thread so frustrating is that despite numerous posters trying to give OP a head wobble, one comes along who is determined to be right and takes a worrying view to dating, and OP decides to agree with her, decide she is right and ignore all her advice others given. That isn’t helpful for OP at all, and it’s sad.
Agree, but what can you do?
TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 10:56

I think it's fine for OP to feel that he did something that didn't suit her, and walk away. If she feels she has validation for this from the thread, that's good.

It's also fine for her to feel that he was 'wrong' and she is 'right'. It's not a very healthy way to look at it, but which of us always makes the healthy choice with every decision? It's her prerogative. Her attitude will save her from abusive relationships, many healthy relationships, and will stop the men she dates getting involved with a woman who has expectations and doesn't communicate them. Nothing bad will come out of it, except that OP is more likely to remain single, because she's narrowing her filter to the extent that she only accepts mind readers.

UniBallEye · 11/10/2021 10:58

I've read the entire thread and agree with @TatianaBis, the double standards are frightening on here!

OP has done a LOT of backtracking too over the course of the thread. She vaguely mentions that he 'displayed other rude behaviour' but that she overlooked that & still engaged in 'very heavy kissing' on date 2.

I'd like to know what other rude behaviour he's displayed?

OP I think you are being unreasonable here and you have been rude to him. I don't think he'll be asking you on date 4...

NurseButtercup · 11/10/2021 11:01

@MsHedgehog

What makes this thread so frustrating is that despite numerous posters trying to give OP a head wobble, one comes along who is determined to be right and takes a worrying view to dating, and OP decides to agree with her, decide she is right and ignore all her advice others given. That isn’t helpful for OP at all, and it’s sad.
I was genuinely questioning my morals because I couldn't see what he'd done wrong? Especially since they met up at 6.45pm
AwaAnBileYerHeid · 11/10/2021 11:01

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Exactly!
NurseButtercup · 11/10/2021 11:03

@TheFoundations

I think it's fine for OP to feel that he did something that didn't suit her, and walk away. If she feels she has validation for this from the thread, that's good.

It's also fine for her to feel that he was 'wrong' and she is 'right'. It's not a very healthy way to look at it, but which of us always makes the healthy choice with every decision? It's her prerogative. Her attitude will save her from abusive relationships, many healthy relationships, and will stop the men she dates getting involved with a woman who has expectations and doesn't communicate them. Nothing bad will come out of it, except that OP is more likely to remain single, because she's narrowing her filter to the extent that she only accepts mind readers.

well said and LoL @ mind readers
Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 11:04

I actually have admitted to having a bruised ego: (though separately I want to feel that I am attractive and my ego is slightly bruised from his apparent lack of interest in me physically)

I'm aware of the risk of overcorrecting.

A lot of things have been going really wrong in my life lately and I am struggling to cope. I have not meant to suggest that I am perfect or anything.

I do still fundamentally think it's a bit weird and rude of this guy intentionally to plan something at midnight after this date and not communicate it in advance. I think it's perfectly natural that this caused me to feel deflated. I don't think it makes him a bad person, but it suggests that he may be emotionally tone deaf and/or that he's not that into me.

I don't think not being into me is a crime, but that's also disappointing. I feel utterly worthless right now and I don't necessarily need to carry on seeing someone who is not that bothered.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 11/10/2021 11:06

It won't help the OP in the long run to agree with her paranoia that this non-event is a red flag.

OP you really should talk to your counsellor about this. Looking for men to make you feel wanted(?) desirable(?) worthwhile(?) is only going to hurt you. You are all those things. You don't need someone to commit his whole day to you to prove it.

If he doesn't get back in touch with you it's not because he wasn't interested. It will be because he knows his own self worth and knows he doesn't need to be treated like crap by someone he has only met three times. No woman is worth that.

Generallystruggling · 11/10/2021 11:07

I don’t think this is a big deal really although he should have told you about his other plans beforehand. I’m not sure why you’re quite so annoyed really. You met up and had fun, he went somewhere else after the date finished and that annoyed you? Weird.

Ticksallboxes · 11/10/2021 11:10

@BadNomad that was an extremely unhelpful post.

gannett · 11/10/2021 11:11

Another weird subtext of this thread is that the posters taking offence at this man ending the date at 11pm are using a toxic masculine stereotype as the standard. There's an undertone of "all men are up for sex at all times and will move heaven and earth to get laid". This man has prioritised other things - loyalty to a friend, a prior commitment, a cultural passion - above a quick shag. And because he hasn't lived up to the toxic masculine stereotype the OP has huffed that he can't really be into her after all - even though he was clearly up for spending more time with her as a person, not just a shag.

There's also no rule about dates progressing step by step physically. Dates fit around people's lives. For me, I can remember some dates falling in quiet weeks with few other plans, and therefore I could stay out late, even stay overnight or have men back to mine. And then the rest of my life got busier so I couldn't do that the following week - but I still wanted to see them so we'd have a low-key evening meet-up. It didn't mean I was pulling away or not keen of them, it meant I had a life to live outside of someone I'd been on three dates with!

Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 11:12

I'm a bit Confused about all of the people who say his offence was nothing (i truly think it was slightly rude) but my failure to respond to a text until the next day was "treating him like crap." Surely it's no worse than his minor transgression?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 11/10/2021 11:14

[quote Ticksallboxes]@BadNomad that was an extremely unhelpful post. [/quote]
It's true though. Would you put up with someone you barely know ignoring your texts then replying with an attitude just because you did something they didn't like?

gannett · 11/10/2021 11:15

I feel utterly worthless right now and I don't necessarily need to carry on seeing someone who is not that bothered.

"Not that bothered" is all in your head. He didn't reject you, indeed showed every sign of wanting to see you again, but he had a prior commitment. It's the third date, no one's clearing their schedule and blowing off friends for a third date. Unless this comes back to "all men would do anything for a shag" again.

grapewine · 11/10/2021 11:20

@Yummypumpkin

This sounds fine to me. Whether he was going home to listen to a fishing podcast or going clubbing...he had a date with you and he has a life outside of someone he's met three times.
Yeah, it's fine. Are you only annoyed because you wanted sex on the 3rd date?