To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

[cocavino]

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

@5catsonthedesk
@TheFoundations

Agree.

So many nasty posts because the OP was disappointed.

All because so many posters have such difficulty with a little courtesy and a heads up that he had made late night plans, thus giving her a choice.

The bar on courtesy is SO sadly low.

Asking for a little courtesy from a man apparently is "chilling". 🙄
So sad.

OP, you were 100% right to be unimpressed with not being given a choice.

Fyi, I have never heard of anyone having to cut a date short because of another arrangement after. Ever.

I would only expect an excuse like that to be used as an exit tactic.
Therefore I wouldn't expect a 4th date.

I wish you the best.

The bar on courtesy is SO sadly low.

You mean like going in a huff and not even having the courtesy to let the other person know you got home ok?

Fyi, I have never heard of anyone having to cut a date short because of another arrangement after. Ever.

He didn't cut it short. They made plans for dinner and music. They did that. He declined to go onto more music.

That's not the same as cutting it short. It wasn't what the OP expected, but clearly the OP suggesting extending their plans wasn't what he expected either.

I agree that the bar for many posters is set very very low.
If I arranged to meet a friend for dinner and music, I wouldn’t dream of not saying I had to leave by X time BEFORE meeting her. Doing otherwise is beyond bad manners. It is rude.
Many posters say they would do this themselves meaning this is acceptable to them.
I’m mid forties but reading these posts make me feel really old. Or else maybe I’m lucky that people in my circle just wouldn’t do this and if they did, it would be the first and last time they did!

If OP can only go out twice a month then there's not a lot of options to reschedule.

I think he's just been keen to see her and instead of rearranging, possibly weeks away, he has decided to push his existing plans back so he could do both. I think that's quite sweet.

OP, you were 100% right to be unimpressed with not being given a choice

What choice ought he to have given her? 'All of my time until you decide you've had enough'? If a person needs to leave an evening date at 11pm, they don't have to give prior warning. The evening has finished. It might be commonplace to extend the date if both parties want to, but that doesn't mean anybody ought to, any more than a lunch date ought to turn into afternoon drinks and dinner.

Fyi, I have never heard of anyone having to cut a date short because of another arrangement after. Ever

And yet, strangely, it happens without you knowing. You not having heard of it doesn't make it wrong.

@Dancingonmoonlight

I agree that the bar for many posters is set very very low. If I arranged to meet a friend for dinner and music, I wouldn’t dream of not saying I had to leave by X time BEFORE meeting her. Doing otherwise is beyond bad manners. It is rude. Many posters say they would do this themselves meaning this is acceptable to them. I’m mid forties but reading these posts make me feel really old. Or else maybe I’m lucky that people in my circle just wouldn’t do this and if they did, it would be the first and last time they did!

But she isn’t a friend and you’d know if a friend expected to stay later. She’s a virtual stranger she’s met the bloke twice before. Stop pretending this was some form of relationship.

Well I am 50 and must be really, really old then @Dancingonmoonlight because, to me, 11.30 at night is a perfectly normal time to end a date. It's not like he ditched the OP just after 9pm.

Hi OP, I have read all your posts but not rtft.
It must be really hard after what you’ve been through. I was in an abusive relationship for years too but it was the opposite of your experience because he was on me all the time, often inappropriately. That ruined my self esteem too and I was reading your comments thinking your date sounds like my perfect man! 😂
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your past relationship and maybe you’re putting yourself under pressure. I’ve been separated around 6 months. Ex had moved on in minutes. I’m still so worried about whether I could ever trust anyone but also worrying about my age (40’s).
I’m talking about myself loads now and I actually replied to empathise with you!
Rebuilding yourself after abuse is really tough. Don’t be hard on yourself. Try to take things at face value. Not everyone is behaving with a motive to get a response from you. It’s got something to do with being comfortable in your own skin. When you feel better in yourself, you won’t worry about someone leaving at 11 or not. I think he sounds like a decent bloke tbh. Over the top affection would be a red flag for me.

OP, you were 100% right to be unimpressed with not being given a choice

This is the creepiest statement yet. It should be her choice when the date ends and he should make himself available for as long as she pleases?

If a man wrote that about a woman people would be really disturbed by that creepy level of entitlement to his time

Man or woman, they can end a date when they please. They can go on to do other things, having a date with someone does not entitle you to their time as long as you wish it and it does not entitle you to their body.

She’s a virtual stranger she’s met the bloke twice before. Stop pretending this was some form of relationship.

Why would you treat an old friend better than a new friend?

It’s basic courtesy surely to let someone know you have to leave by a certain time? If the date wanted a short date, then arrange lunch not a night time date.
It was rude and I assume those who don’t think it was rude have very low standards.

@Dancingonmoonlight, sure I said that earlier, he should have told her earlier, I think most people think that’s the extent of his wrong doing.

Tbf the OP has said she's only able to go on dates twice a month so they probably didn't have much option of when to see each other. Also, they have only met TWO times before this. He doesn't owe her his schedule. To me he sounds like he is/was keen to see her because he didn't blow her off for the leaving party. Now..who knows. I wouldn't be impressed with someone taking an attitude with me for not behaving in a way they want. Huffing and giving the silent treatment are not attractive qualities in a person.

OP, I wonder if your issue is that you thought about every scenario of how the night would go but this wasn't one of them so you weren't prepared and it unsettled you. You need to somehow learn to accept that people won't alway be how you want them to be or do the things you want them to do. It doesn't make them bad or wrong and they don't deserve to be "punished" for it.

@Dancingonmoonlight

She’s a virtual stranger she’s met the bloke twice before. Stop pretending this was some form of relationship.

Why would you treat an old friend better than a new friend?

It’s basic courtesy surely to let someone know you have to leave by a certain time? If the date wanted a short date, then arrange lunch not a night time date.
It was rude and I assume those who don’t think it was rude have very low standards.

How late would you expect an evening date to be? If you'd met in the evening and had some dinner together, what time should that finish?

@Dancingonmoonlight

She’s a virtual stranger she’s met the bloke twice before. Stop pretending this was some form of relationship.

Why would you treat an old friend better than a new friend?

It’s basic courtesy surely to let someone know you have to leave by a certain time? If the date wanted a short date, then arrange lunch not a night time date.
It was rude and I assume those who don’t think it was rude have very low standards.

This is crazy, he left at 11! What time do dates normally go on until?? They had two things planned for the date and did them. That’s a perfect time to go home. He had other plans big deal. A date doesn’t mean you owe the other person your entire night until sunrise. If a guy expected that on dates I used to go on I would have been scared stiff! I wanted to get the last train and not walk in the dark in the early hours or get in a dodgy expensive taxi. Just because it’s a guy doesn’t make it any different. This is ridiculous for date 2 or 3 or whatever it was. Poor guy

Laughable double standards on here as usual. The bloke did absolutely nothing out of the ordinary but of course is getting a slating by lots of posters because, well, he's a bloke.

‘I’m mid forties but reading these posts make me feel really old. Or else maybe I’m lucky that people in my circle just wouldn’t do this and if they did, it would be the first and last time they did!’

Yes, my sentiments exactly.

This is just basic manners. The most basic of basics. No man I know (in his 40s) would behave like this. Maybe an inexperienced 20-something who is all over the place yes, but even that would be bad enough.

If he’d been clear before the date that he had to be somewhere else at midnight (but this was the only night the OP was free), then absolutely fair enough. But otherwise, no. It is extremely rude. The only reason I could think of for someone doing that is if they wanted an excuse to get away. Which is his prerogative, but god only knows why people are putting this onto the OP and encouraging her to text him!

Date 2 - went on to the early hours and lots of snogging.

Date 3 - no snogging and an unexpectedly premature end

I mean, read the room people!

Who in their right mind would think, “Oh yes. Lovely! I’ll text him now and ask him in another date...”

How thick-skinned / oblivious must you be to want to do that?

Some people have jobs that require them to work at the weekend so would need to go home at a reasonable hour or maybe he had something to do the next day.

@5catsonthedesk i think that you understand the situation perfectly.

@5catsonthedesk

I mean, read the room people

You've got a list of people here saying the opposite to you!

@5catsonthedesk

‘I’m mid forties but reading these posts make me feel really old. Or else maybe I’m lucky that people in my circle just wouldn’t do this and if they did, it would be the first and last time they did!’

Yes, my sentiments exactly.

This is just basic manners. The most basic of basics. No man I know (in his 40s) would behave like this. Maybe an inexperienced 20-something who is all over the place yes, but even that would be bad enough.

If he’d been clear before the date that he had to be somewhere else at midnight (but this was the only night the OP was free), then absolutely fair enough. But otherwise, no. It is extremely rude. The only reason I could think of for someone doing that is if they wanted an excuse to get away. Which is his prerogative, but god only knows why people are putting this onto the OP and encouraging her to text him!

Date 2 - went on to the early hours and lots of snogging.

Date 3 - no snogging and an unexpectedly premature end

I mean, read the room people!

Who in their right mind would think, “Oh yes. Lovely! I’ll text him now and ask him in another date...”

How thick-skinned / oblivious must you be to want to do that?

Completely agree.

If he had simply told her he had plans later, she would have had a choice to go on the date or say "No, actually, that doesn't suit".

To give her a choice, by giving her the information that he had plans later, is such a basic courtesy.

I've read OPs updates but not 19 pages of comments and I really do see her point.

It's just a bit odd, announcing at the end that he's off somewhere at midnight. Nothing wrong with it and of course he can do what he wants, but it's a Saturday night date and they were at a late music venue, it's just unusual that he hadn't mentioned it (I don't think he would've got a last minute invitation to a leaving do, so he would have known).

I can understand why she felt wrong footed and as though spending time with her wasn't very special. It would have been polite and mature to tell her the plan beforehand rather than just dart off. I suppose it's quite young, footloose type behaviour that would be off putting if you're looking for a mature relationship.

I'd only take advice from people who are currently dating or have recently dated. I think it's rude to leave a date abruptly without being clear beforehand he had later plans. I'd feel bruised if I'd been excited for a date, spent time getting ready for the evening and then found out I was just a part of the evening's plan and was left with a quick goodbye and a peck. I would def feel he wasn't that in to me and move on.

@Dancingonmoonlight

She’s a virtual stranger she’s met the bloke twice before. Stop pretending this was some form of relationship.

Why would you treat an old friend better than a new friend?

It’s basic courtesy surely to let someone know you have to leave by a certain time? If the date wanted a short date, then arrange lunch not a night time date.
It was rude and I assume those who don’t think it was rude have very low standards.

It's rude to end a dinner and drinks date 11? Would you say that to a woman?

Would you advise that if meeting at 6.30/7 for dinner and drinks, a woman would be rude not to let a man know beforehand that she would be leaving at 11? Really?!

I could understand it being rude if it was 8-9pm but it's the end of the night anyway

I’m feeling confused now. Good job I’m not planning on dating soon, I’d be completely useless... I took it that he really wanted to go out with the OP but had to squeeze it in due to her availability.
I mean, I might meet a friend for just one hour and then bog off to do something else.
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more it seems off if he didn’t want to kiss the last time. I think I was wrong the first time. I really like museums tho, so I was blindsided!