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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:20

@Coffeetree

The amt of gaslighting on this thread is not okay. Of course the OP was offended when her date abruptly ditched her (if his plans were really pre-arranged she had no idea).

She doesn't need therapy or to be lectured.

You really need to learn the meaning of gaslighting.

Having a different opinion to the op about her rudeness is not gaslighting her.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:20

Well how many men do you know in their 40s who go clubbing at 12?

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:21

@5catsonthedesk

‘He has responded. "No problem, enjoy your Sunday!"

Yes well that tell you all you need to know OP. Your instinct was correct.

If he wanted to see you again he would make that clear in his text.

As one door closes, another door will open as they say...

Why would he have to make it clear again he wanted to see her?

He told her so at the station and in his text. The Op then huffily ignored him for 10ish hours.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:25

What did he tell her at the station?

Saying, “Enjoy your Sunday,” is hardly the same thing as, “I really enjoyed last night. So sorry it had to end when it did. I’d like to take you out for dinner soon. Please let me know when you’re free.” Slight difference.

gannett · 10/10/2021 15:30

@5catsonthedesk

Well how many men do you know in their 40s who go clubbing at 12?
Plenty. I hope I'm still clubbing in my 40s (I still am in my 30s). It's a tight-knit scene of music lovers and I've met some of the best people I know in it. And yes, some of them are men (and women) who still dance all night in their 40s. For many of them it's a livelihood, for others it's a passion. Your judgment is so unbelievably narrow-minded and frankly pitiable to me.

As for the comment about not owning his own house... quite apart from the fact that the insane property market means it's common for London professionals to rent and houseshare into their 30s and 40s, quite apart from the fact that OP has said it's the result of a divorce, rule number one of being a decent person is not to judge someone's character by their material success.

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 15:30

@Coffeetree

The amt of gaslighting on this thread is not okay. Of course the OP was offended when her date abruptly ditched her (if his plans were really pre-arranged she had no idea).

She doesn't need therapy or to be lectured.

He didn't abruptly ditch her, though. He politely moved on to another social engagement, and let OP know he'd had a lovely time with her.

On a 3rd date, I think that unless you are expecting sex, it's perfectly reasonable to expect that you'll be free after 11ish.

All he's done is have a plan to socialise at midnight, which is a bit unusual for some people, but doesn't say much about him as a person. Would you think he had 'abruptly ditched' OP if he'd gone home to bed? If not, what's the difference?

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:33

Blimey calm down. It was only a lighthearted remark because it can’t be nice for the OP being dumped by text like that.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:33

@5catsonthedesk

What did he tell her at the station?

Saying, “Enjoy your Sunday,” is hardly the same thing as, “I really enjoyed last night. So sorry it had to end when it did. I’d like to take you out for dinner soon. Please let me know when you’re free.” Slight difference.

The Op said he asked when she was free at the station, and then told her how much he’d enjoyed the date in a text. He also asked her to let him know she was home safe.

If you’d done that and then the person ignored you until the next day would you then ask again right away? I doubt it. No-one would because the ball was in the OP’s court and she ignored it.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:34

@5catsonthedesk

Blimey calm down. It was only a lighthearted remark because it can’t be nice for the OP being dumped by text like that.
Nicer than being ghosted all night as she did.
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:38

‘The Op said he asked when she was free at the station, and then told her how much he’d enjoyed the date in a text. He also asked her to let him know she was home safe. ‘

But any man would say that. He’s hardly going to say, ‘I had a crap night, bye.’

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 15:44

She wasn’t dumped by text and she’s not been dumped. She also spent five hours on a date with him, she didn’t get abruptly dumped then either, some folks are writing like he ran out after the starter. Not left politely after five hours with her,

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 15:45

He's mentioned going to a museum together, and he asked her at the station when she was free. So two mentions of a further date.

Given the OPs self confessed 'lukewarm' response the next day by text, she is coming across as the unenthusiastic one (and she admits not being enthusiastic). The ball is fully in her court.

He doesn't have to do the chasing for all dates because he's a man.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:46

@5catsonthedesk

‘The Op said he asked when she was free at the station, and then told her how much he’d enjoyed the date in a text. He also asked her to let him know she was home safe. ‘

But any man would say that. He’s hardly going to say, ‘I had a crap night, bye.’

If he’d had a crap night he’d have said it at the station, asked the Op to text him when she was joke safe and not bothered with the enthusiastic text between times surely?

There was no need for him to text her when he was waiting on her texting him.

To then put all the onus on him to instantly ask her out again when she ignored him is hilarious.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:47

By “said it” I mean the fake enthusiasm you’re suggesting there was if it was crap.

He told her twice he enjoyed it - he didn’t need to do that if it was untrue

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 15:50

It another example of how different it would be if it was male posting.

A male posting in the tone of the OP would have been ripped to shreds.

Same as if a bloke posted saying the woman told him last night to his face she enjoyed it and suggested another date, and then text him shortly after re-iterating enjoyment. If he stayed he ignored her all night, then “lukewarm” messaged here there’s no way people would be suggesting she wasn’t into him just because she didn’t suggest another time in her reply.
He’d be told he was rude and was lucky to get a reply this morning.

marcopront · 10/10/2021 15:53

@cocavino

Has this really become a dispute about the meaning of midnight???!?

For the avoidance of doubt, he left at 23:00 for an event at 24:00!

Sorry It's something that annoys me
Skysblue · 10/10/2021 15:55

Yanbu. It’s weird to schedule a date with you (especially a third date) on a night when he has something else on. The very least he could have done is mention when you were arranging it that he’d have to leave by 11. It’s just rude to go on a date with yoh when he knows it finishes at 11 and you don’t know that.

Would put me off yes.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:56

I don’t know why I’ve got into this discussion, but anyway....

The second date they had went on until 2am and the OP said there was a lot of snogging.

The third date - no snogging - and he suddenly announces at 10.45 he has to go because he needs to go and meet other people in a club.

Anyone in their right mind would interpret that as a change in attitude (on his part).

‘Enjoy your Sunday’ is a the very bland type of thing you say when you are trying to get out of something politely.

If he wanted to go to a museum or whatever, he’d just ask her!

I can’t believe people are suggesting she goes back and asks him on another date after this! What’s the point of that?

marcopront · 10/10/2021 16:03

It's difficult not to get a bit down about my relationship and life situation. I am a single mum and can only meet up twice a month really.

If you can only meet up twice a month then I think the fact he scheduled to meet with you even though he has other plans means he is interested.

Are day time meetings easier for you?

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 16:05

I can’t believe people are suggesting she goes back and asks him on another date after this! What’s the point of that

In the words of a well known TV programme, it's so that if she went on another date with him, he'd be there.

'Have a nice Sunday' is the sort of thing you say when you have stuff planned and can't spend time with the person, but you'd like them to... well... have a nice Sunday. But it can be interpreted in many ways by those who read paranoid meanings into things.

Perhaps he thought the second date was a bit 'moving too fast', and so his change of attitude was a very respectable move to correct the pace to something that wouldn't land him in bed with someone he barely knows.

You're making a lot of assumptions, @5catsonthedesk

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 16:06

@5catsonthedesk

I don’t know why I’ve got into this discussion, but anyway....

The second date they had went on until 2am and the OP said there was a lot of snogging.

The third date - no snogging - and he suddenly announces at 10.45 he has to go because he needs to go and meet other people in a club.

Anyone in their right mind would interpret that as a change in attitude (on his part).

‘Enjoy your Sunday’ is a the very bland type of thing you say when you are trying to get out of something politely.

If he wanted to go to a museum or whatever, he’d just ask her!

I can’t believe people are suggesting she goes back and asks him on another date after this! What’s the point of that?

“Enjoy your Sunday” is a perfectly acceptable response to someone who ignored you all night.

I’d be surprised if he wanted to go on another date after that. The OP wanted sex last night (yes I’m aware she’s changed her mind on what annoyed her now, but that’s what she said last night. Up to abs including huffing that she even got waxed…) and because he declined her suggestion of extending their date beyond what they had planned she huffed, ignoring both his text and his request that she let him know she got home safe.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 16:08

This is a truly bizarre thread now.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 16:10

It was bizarre from the second people pretended it was acceptable for the OP to be huffy and ignore her date because she didn’t get sex when she’d decided she wanted it.

If she had a penis she’d have been slaughtered.

It’s even funnier that people think the guy should still be the one pushing for another date.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 16:15

What?

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 16:23

@5catsonthedesk

This is a truly bizarre thread now.
It really is. It seems that a guy not reading OP's mind, and politely sticking to a very acceptable standpoint of 'not having sex on the 3rd date', is a bullet well dodged.

If OP hadn't wanted sex, his actions were exemplary, so, really all he's done is not assume that OP did want sex. And 'Don't assume a woman wants sex because she snogged you last time' is really good advice for a man.

A bizarre thread indeed.