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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
Percypigg · 10/10/2021 13:54

So, do you actually want to see him again OP? He suggested that he wanted to see you again by saying he had a good time etc.

Are you going to suggest plans for a fourth date?

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 13:55

@Percypigg no, he can ask. I'm not going to put myself out there.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 10/10/2021 13:58

@cocavino

How is that a drip feed? I have never known anyone to make plans after midnight???
When I visited friends who lived in Madrid, they sometimes made arrangements to go out and meet friends at midnight. Never over here in the UK, though, that's madness.
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 14:04

That’s the thing this thread has strayed into a gender debate.

In real life as women we state no means no. That a man ha no right to expect sex from us. At any stage. It doesn’t matter why we did. Week or a minute before, he has no right to expect sex. We shout that we have th right to leave a date when we wish it to be over. The moment we wish it to be over. That we can politely say goodbye and go, we do not owe him sex or our time.

And yet when the genders are reversed there is a small percentage of women who believe than men do not have the same rights. At all

One has even posted turning your snogging into “heavy petting” and declaring you had every right to expect sex from him.

Had a man posted that about a woman there would have been an outcry.

slashlover · 10/10/2021 14:08

[quote cocavino]@Percypigg no, he can ask. I'm not going to put myself out there.[/quote]
So he has to do all the running?

You seem to be unsure if you want a relationship or just a shag.

proopher · 10/10/2021 14:08

What a mountain made out of a molehill!

Taoneusa · 10/10/2021 14:27

@proopher

What a mountain made out of a molehill!
Or just a meandering chat about nuance Wink
marcopront · 10/10/2021 14:28

@goingtotown

Midnight is 12am.
No it isn't

www.rmg.co.uk/stories/topics/noon-12-am-or-12-pm

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 14:33

Has this really become a dispute about the meaning of midnight???!?

For the avoidance of doubt, he left at 23:00 for an event at 24:00!

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 14:34

@cocavino

Has this really become a dispute about the meaning of midnight???!?

For the avoidance of doubt, he left at 23:00 for an event at 24:00!

Sorry, I’ve got to say it 🤣 24:00 doesn’t exist. It goes 23:59:59 to 00:00:00 🤣
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 14:34

I think it's right that he's uncertain about me. I'm very uptight and guarded, with childcare responsibilities, and he is a free spirited clubber.

I'm not expecting to hear from him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 14:35

Ahhh you got me there, @Cocomarine!

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/10/2021 14:36

@cocavino

Ahhh you got me there, *@Cocomarine*!
🤣 sorry
5thnonblonde · 10/10/2021 14:36

Hey @cocavino you’re getting a rough ride here! I was where you are 5 years ago- dating in the v small margins that EOW contact with their dad allowed- so annoying if ppl cancelled or just couldn’t be bothered! Anyway- I eventually met a lovely guy, our first date felt like meeting an old friend, no awkwardness or ‘work’ at all. I ended up taking him home on our second date which according to some of the 1950’s pps out there would constitute‘putting it all on a plate’. Anyway- we’ve been married 18months now and he’s still ace. It can work! I guess just trust your gut- it sounds like you already had some Hmm vibes and you might just be letting your totally understandable fear of rejection cloud them a bit.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 14:39

@5thnonblonde thanks!!! And congrats Flowers

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 10/10/2021 14:41

@Yummypumpkin

This sounds fine to me. Whether he was going home to listen to a fishing podcast or going clubbing...he had a date with you and he has a life outside of someone he's met three times.
Yep. And sounds like he was upfront and polite about needing to finish in time for his other commitment. No issue.
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 14:47

@cocavino

Has this really become a dispute about the meaning of midnight???!?

For the avoidance of doubt, he left at 23:00 for an event at 24:00!

Apparently so…
Coffeetree · 10/10/2021 14:49

The amt of gaslighting on this thread is not okay. Of course the OP was offended when her date abruptly ditched her (if his plans were really pre-arranged she had no idea).

She doesn't need therapy or to be lectured.

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 15:00

@cocavino

I think it's right that he's uncertain about me. I'm very uptight and guarded, with childcare responsibilities, and he is a free spirited clubber.

I'm not expecting to hear from him again.

It was a 3rd date. Anybody who is certain about somebody after a 3rd date isn't cautious enough.

It seems like he did something you didn't like, and yet you're the one who is expecting to be left behind by him.

Why is that?

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:09

‘He has responded. "No problem, enjoy your Sunday!"

Yes well that tell you all you need to know OP. Your instinct was correct.

If he wanted to see you again he would make that clear in his text.

As one door closes, another door will open as they say...

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:11

I would say you have dodged a bullet here - so congrats on that.

Who needs a clubbing man in his 40s with no home?

Next!!

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 15:13

If he'd mentioned before that he couldn't stay out late, some people would have found that a little presumptive, so i can see why he didn't mention it.

If it was dinner and then live music, which finished, and you when to stay for another musical act. So the one you went for finished, and the date had a natural end time around 11pm.

Did it go something like, go for an early dinner, and then the gig say was from 8-10.30? Yes you could have done something afterwards, but also counting that as an end point is very logical.

You want everything on your terms - and for him to be enthusiastic and do all the running for date 4 despite your being 'lukewarm' with him and rude by but texting. Your aren't 12 any more playing mind games. If you like him, and want to go on another date, then send him a to message setting it up. He's not a mind-reader, and shouldn't have to do all the running

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 15:14

If he wanted to see you again he would make that clear in his text.

He already did, it's the OP that has ignored his suggestion of a further meet and sent 'lukewarm' messages but mentioning meet ups.

It goes both ways...

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 15:16

‘If you like him, and want to go on another date, then send him a to message setting it up. He's not a mind-reader, and shouldn't have to do all the running’

Is this a joke?

gannett · 10/10/2021 15:18

@5catsonthedesk

I would say you have dodged a bullet here - so congrats on that.

Who needs a clubbing man in his 40s with no home?

Next!!

How unpleasant and narrow-minded. Vile post.