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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 12:43

@liveforsummer

OP is also consider that if he's in a group of 40 somethings who are clubbers, it's highly likely they are taking drugs to rave til the early hours. (All the 40 something clubbers I know of certainly do). This is something that would be relevant to me as a single parent and id actively avoid.
Oh FGS!

Not all 40 yr olds take drugs at night clubs.

MN goes into lala land.

Redredwiney · 10/10/2021 12:44

What time did the first two dates finish?

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 12:44

*Not all 40 yr olds take drugs at night clubs.

MN goes into lala land.*

The ones who describe themselves as clubbers generally do, I know plenty - you'd be naive to think otherwise.

NotresDames · 10/10/2021 12:44

@SleepingBunnies21

'Oh I wish you'd mentioned that at the start of the evening. It feels a bit odd, springing it on me at the last minute.'

You shouldn't have to train a 40 something man to have basic forward planning and basic manners.

It doesnt matter how she reacts or how assertive she is in this situation, it doesnt change his failing/oddness as a mature human being.

It wasn't about training him @SleepingBunnies21

Learn to read.

It was about being assertive and expressing her own feelings at the time.

Redredwiney · 10/10/2021 12:45

@liveforsummer

OP is also consider that if he's in a group of 40 somethings who are clubbers, it's highly likely they are taking drugs to rave til the early hours. (All the 40 something clubbers I know of certainly do). This is something that would be relevant to me as a single parent and id actively avoid.
Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a specific event that he’s going to, which happens to be at a club. You know, like a leaving party?
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 12:45

@liveforsummer

*Not all 40 yr olds take drugs at night clubs.

MN goes into lala land.*

The ones who describe themselves as clubbers generally do, I know plenty - you'd be naive to think otherwise.

He didn't say he was a clubber.

Are you reading the same thread?

HE WAS GOING TO A COLLEAGUES' LEAVING DO THAT INCLUDED A CLUB.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 12:46

@NotresDames i don't follow you about dictating how others respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 12:46

No, it's not a colleague's leaving do. It was the leaving do of a fellow clubber.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 12:48

I asked and I was like who has a party that starts at midnight! He responded that they are all clubbers. He had a specific destination and a bus route he was planning on taking.

@NotresDames yes she did ...

Redredwiney · 10/10/2021 12:49

@Redredwiney

What time did the first two dates finish?
A few people have asked this question but you haven’t answered?
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 12:49

@liveforsummer

I asked and I was like who has a party that starts at midnight! He responded that they are all clubbers. He had a specific destination and a bus route he was planning on taking.

@NotresDames yes she did ...

I still think it's ridiculous to brand anyone who is 40s and goes to clubs as a drug user.
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 12:51

[quote cocavino]@NotresDames i don't follow you about dictating how others respond.[/quote]
Well, maybe by 'dictating' I meant that in your head you had a scenario in mind ( sex and him going back to your place or vice versa) and when it didn't work out, you are annoyed and let down.

So maybe say 'expectations' rather than 'dictating'.

His behaviour was odd, for sure, BUT if you really like him I'd say get over this, see him once more and tell him exactly how you felt at being abandoned on the date.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 12:52

The first date was pretty quick, like an hour and a half. I actually intentionally made plans for after but I tend to think that's normal for a first date (ready to get dragged for this)

The second date went until like 2am.

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 10/10/2021 12:54

How far in advance did you tell him that you had plans immediately after your first date?

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 12:54

I still think it's ridiculous to brand anyone who is 40s and goes to clubs as a drug user.

I think it's you who is reading a different thread. People who sometimes go to nightclubs on a night out are different to clubbers /ravers - clubbers are people who regularly go to late night raves to dance all night not just a drink and a l quick shimmy around in revolution. It's 2 different things. I didn't brand all 40 year olds who visits a club a drug user but the vast majority of 'clubbers' are indeed!

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 12:55

@WhitePhantom I honestly don't remember. Given it was our first meeting, I didn't think that much about it.

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 13:03

I actually think you sound far more boundaried than a lot of people on here OP. This thread shows that, although you were confused and questioning at the time, you have been able to listen to your gut feeling and resist the people on here telling you that the problem is you and your insecurities. I can well imagine that dating is a scary and confusing process at our age, especially when you’ve been out of it for a long time. Who knows what this guy is up to really, But don’t be gaslighted into excusing anything less than you deserve. Write it off to experience. Good luck with the next one.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 13:07

@5catsonthedesk thanks!

OP posts:
Redredwiney · 10/10/2021 13:14

But don’t be gaslighted into excusing anything less than you deserve

Wish people actually knew what gaslighted meant when they use it. Other people disagreeing with you when you post on an open forum for advice isn’t gaslighting…

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 13:25

Fair enough, but some comments on here about the OP projecting her insecurities, or trying to make out she is backtracking without giving her space to formulate how she feels - this comes across like gaslighting to me.

If you know something is ‘off’, then you know it’s off. That’s not being insecure, it’s trusting your instincts. But sometimes it can be useful just to say it out loud to someone (or type it out in this case)!

billy1966 · 10/10/2021 13:27

OP,

You are perfectly entitled to think it rude that he abruptly ended the date because he had to be elsewhere.

I see that it was 5 hours and that is a considerable length of time but whilst he has every right to end a date whatever time he chooses, as do you, it would have been basic manners to tell you beforehand that he had other plans and would be gone by 11.

Perhaps you might have rescheduled and seen other friends that could stay out later, as it was a Saturday you were free.

He didn't give you any choice when he suddenly announced it.

If he was bored and wanted an out, fair enough, but that he had a great time, but just didn't bother to tell you is rude IMO.

Flowers
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 13:35

So @cocavino you have had masses of posts.

What are you going to do?

How much did you like him?

If I were you, I might go on Date 4, if he asks for that. But I'd tell him how I felt about the curtailed date when I met up again.

If he was really sorry and took the point, I might forgive him.
I'd also want to know a lot more about who he lives with etc and even see his home.

If it all felt too 'off' or hard work, I'd move on and chalk it up to experience.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 13:41

@NotresDames it's true! Masses. It's been helpful.

I will see if he gets in touch again. If he does, I may agree to another date depending on the conversation leading up to it. But I actually have a very busy schedule coming up and I am not going to keep any time free just in case he should become available.

I probably would have another go at the apps, but I truly hate OLD and my time right now is extremely limited.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/10/2021 13:53

Also... I would not expect or want a date to 'walk me home'... I'm an adult... And on date 2 I'm not wanting a bloke to know where I live.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 13:54

He has responded. "No problem, enjoy your Sunday!"

OP posts: