To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

[cocavino]

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

A bet it was the fight last night - his plans

I doubt you are compatible OP.

Even if you do see him again.

What comes across is the lack of communication between you both.

I may be wrong, but I get the impression that you cant express your feelings or needs at the time. (this can be a factor in emotional abuse.)

I think had I been you, I'd have shown surprise at his fast exit on the date and said something at the time - such as 'why didn't you mention it right at the start of our date?'

I know it's often hard to say the right thing in the moment, but you could even have suggested your date that night could have been postponed until after the leaving party.

At least it would have opened up the conversation so he could say something.

Do you have a problem with saying how you feel?

@whatistheworld

A bet it was the fight last night - his plans

Have you read the thread? Is he an outright liar, planning his route to the leaving party when really he wanted to watch boxing?

@NotresDames I agree I'd probably wish later that I'd said something at the time and that would have been the correct thing to do, but tbh given the speed of it all I'd probably have been a bit baffled and not done so then kicked my self later I'd probably mention something today though. It was rather rude.

You can stop seeing someone for any reason you want, but you're thinking of ditching this guy because he didn't "put out" when you expected him to, which is pretty funny.
11pm isn't an unusually early time to end a date.

@NotresDames this might be part of it. I was very surprised at first and didn't even know if it was reasonable for me to be put out by his sudden announcement. I almost always button my lip and process things, especially hurt feelings, rather than addressing them head on.

Relatedly, I spent a great deal of time in my abusive relationship questioning the validity of my feelings and being told they weren't valid. The fact of this thread shows that I may still be doing that. ("Is this objectively weird? Do I have a right to be deflated and a bit offended?" Etc)

@DameMaureen

He was rude by not telling you ahead of time .On this basis alone I would kick him into touch .

Yep.

Yanbu! He was beyond rude to abruptly end the date for seemingly better plans! I would have been fuming. I wouldnt give him another chance. Block and delete.

A. He left at midnight for midnight plans
B. He left at lunchtime for midnight plans.
Either way, he doesn't understand the concept of forward planning.

[quote cocavino]@NotresDames this might be part of it. I was very surprised at first and didn't even know if it was reasonable for me to be put out by his sudden announcement. I almost always button my lip and process things, especially hurt feelings, rather than addressing them head on.

Relatedly, I spent a great deal of time in my abusive relationship questioning the validity of my feelings and being told they weren't valid. The fact of this thread shows that I may still be doing that. ("Is this objectively weird? Do I have a right to be deflated and a bit offended?" Etc)[/quote]
It's good you are accepting that you have some way to go with your boundaries over behaviour.

But until you sort his further, dating is going to be very hard work for you and the guys.

Having issues around what's good and bad behaviour will impact not just on dating but everything.

I really hope you can explore this further with your therapist or do some self-help online/ reading books.

What I'd suggest is some assertiveness training - again- look online.

You can learn how to express your needs and feelings without being aggressive and confrontational. And to be confident to say how you feel, in the moment.

For example, instead of getting so annoyed with this guy afterwards, you could have said:

'Oh I wish you'd mentioned that at the start of the evening. It feels a bit odd, springing it on me at the last minute.'

I'd think anyone doing that .. male, female, straight, gay, out with a mate was rude; if you're leaving the meeting and heading off elsewhere with person not included; tell them beforehand.

If told, they can decide of they want to meet you as planned, or meet another night or organise something else to continue their own evening with friends etc.

Also it's not remotely unreasonable or unnatural to think they a third date, after a second with heavy petting (when you dont even know they're leaving and going on somewhere else with their mates/work colleagues,) might end up back ar your place or theirs with sexual contact, ots what tends to happen on most dates where people are attracted to each other. It'd a reasonable, normal idea to have of how the date/night might pan out.

@Dorisspider

A. He left at midnight for midnight plans B. He left at lunchtime for midnight plans. Either way, he doesn't understand the concept of forward planning.

He left at 11pm for midnight plans. Only informed OP at 10.45 when she suggested staying on to heat the next bad or she'd probably have been informed at 11

Not really the point, but why do people keep saying it was a 5 hour date? They met at 6.45 and he left just after 10.45. That's 4 hours.

FWIW op, I'd be quite put out if a date suddenly ended at 11pm. That's quite early for a weekend night, and having it sprung on me at the last minute would really piss me off. Very rude of him.

And it's normal to be taken aback and perhaps disappointed when it doesn't, but ends fairly abruptly with them telling you they're going in elsewhere and you're included.

@NotresDames this all makes sense. To be honest, I think going through some experiences like this one is helpful. Looked at in the best possible way, we both had a nice evening, but he displayed some behaviours that I found rude and now it is in my rights to end the dating relationship because I am looking for something different than what he is offering.

In the past, I have overlooked a lot of problematic behaviours and carried on because the guy and I got along in other ways and maybe I was afraid of being alone. But it doesn't have to be like that.

I have made it into a big drama (in my own mind) because I felt hurt and disappointed, but hopefully this will become easier with practice.

gannett

Yes, he could have gone clubbing but he could also have had a booty call. If he really fancied someone who suddenly fancied a bit and he liked them more. He is a single man who is only dating OP.

@SleepingBunnies21 I agree and the whole abruptness of it all would mean I probably wouldn't have said anything at the time either. There wasn't really time to process what was happened when in 15 minutes you've gone from sitting enjoying your evening to a point you think you'd lie to stay to being told that's not an option, ushered out of the venue and delivered to the station.

'Oh I wish you'd mentioned that at the start of the evening. It feels a bit odd, springing it on me at the last minute.'

You shouldn't have to train a 40 something man to have basic forward planning and basic manners.

It doesnt matter how she reacts or how assertive she is in this situation, it doesnt change his failing/oddness as a mature human being.

I haven’t RTFT but read OP’s updates.

You’ve backtracked massively OP. You said you expected sex, even waxed for it, but now you’re getting slated for that, you claim you never wanted sex and it was the sudden end to the date.

Be honest with yourself with what you actually wanted, but it does sound like the only issue was poor communication from his part, rather than suddenly being dumped at the end of the night.

I think it was fairly uncommunicative of him not to tell you in Advance that he had plans to go on somewhere after seeing you, so you would have to part at a certain time.
I would feel disconcerted too, if I were you.

Not impressed by his behaviour!

@Redredwiney yes, i acknowledge that this is what it sounded like last night. But I can assure you that it's more about the abrupt end than anything else

OP is also consider that if he's in a group of 40 somethings who are clubbers, it's highly likely they are taking drugs to rave til the early hours. (All the 40 something clubbers I know of certainly do). This is something that would be relevant to me as a single parent and id actively avoid.

You not unreasonably expected he might proposition you, and instead, he sloped off.

Humph!

It would be normal for a date to tell the other person early on, if they had to dash off at the end of the evening to something else @cocavino.

There may be a million reasons why he didn't. Best case may be he had wanted your evening to last all night (yay!) but his conscience kicked in and he decided he really did have to go the leaving do.

IF you really like him I'd give him another chance and talk to him on date 4 about what happened, to clear the air.

You've not said anything at all about him and how much you like his personality, if you have things in common, if he's your type.
The whole thread is around being let down and it not going your own way.

Regardless of his other plan, or your own sexual needs, you can't dictate how others respond.

("Is this objectively weird? Do I have a right to be deflated and a bit offended?" Etc

Yes and yes.

This thread has brought out the usual MN craziness.