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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
biddybid73 · 10/10/2021 11:31

Maybe he had plans to watch the boxing last night?

You had an opportunity to ask him what his plans were last night...

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 11:33

@cocavino

Why would I send a very enthusiastic text when I don't feel enthusiastic?
The fact you focussed on that rather than your rudeness says it all.

Most people would at least be enthusiastically apologetic for being so spectacularly rude.

You clearly are determined to be right and make him all wrong so I’ll wish you well with that.

Withholding basic manners from someone because you’re sulking really says a lot about your readiness to date.

daisypond · 10/10/2021 11:34

The clubbing was for a leaving do - not just someone who was leaving the company, but also leaving the city. The guy may never see him again. Of course he should have gone clubbing with his mate/colleague - something that was pre-arranged. He spent over five hours with you! That is plenty. And said he had a nice time. And sent you some nice texts.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:35

Ffs the text I sent was friendly and I apologised! I just didn't mirror his language about having an amazing time or whatever

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:37

‘I believe he is in a house share, saving money for a place. He got divorced sometime in the past few years and I think he isn't exactly settled at this time.’

Honestly OP, you can do so much better than this.

You have done nothing wrong. Stop doubting yourself. This man sounds very odd and his behaviour on a date is not normal at all. Just write it off to experience.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:37

Op there are people on here responding who clearly have their own issues.

It’s reasonable for the guy to want to go to a friends leaving party. It’s highly likely the group started elsewhere and then went clubbing and he delayed joining to see you, people in this age range seldom start off at midnight.

The issue here is your disappointment, your ability to handle your own disappointment and your expectations. His friend having a leaving party on the same night as your date and him not cancelling your date to fully attend it, wasn’t a bad thing,

His texting after indicates he is keen but I do agree with you it’s disturbing he didn’t mention it before, most folks would have, “oh Johnny is leaving London, I need to go to a leaving do later” which does make it sound like a last min excuse to get away from you but the enthusiastic text after makes it confusing like it was damage control.

The issue on the thread is you started off phrasing it like you expect sex from a virtual stranger, didnt habe much time as you’re a single mum and wished to bin this guy to find someone who would wish sex fast and move as quickly as you.

ImInStealthMode · 10/10/2021 11:40

Agree with PPs. If this was a man coming on MN miffed that he went on a 3rd date and was planning on / hoping to get laid but she made her excuses and left before the question came up the answers would be very different.

I don't think he's done much wrong here apart from maybe not saying in advance that he had plans later. Definitely not a reason to call it a day, unless you didn't have a good time on the date.

Happened to me once, a mis-communication meant my date had to leave a while before my arrangements to get home. I was happy to stay in the (local, friendly) bar and ended up bumping into a guy I'd had a crush on for ages and drinking with him. Best date ever GrinBlush

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 11:41

@cocavino

Ffs the text I sent was friendly and I apologised! I just didn't mirror his language about having an amazing time or whatever
If you’d be perfectly happy with him having behaved exactly as you have had he suggested extending the date and you said no then no issues….

I suspect being treated as huffily as you’ve treated him wouldn’t have been ok with you, and rightly so as it was extremely rude.

A guy posting as you have would have been absolutely ripped to shreds for his attitude at multiple points of the thread.

However, you and I clearly are not going to agree and I’m not into haranguing so I’ll wish you well. Good luck

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 11:42

It actually sounds like the guy missed the bulk of his friend’s leaving do to spend time with you.
That’s pretty telling.

OhWhyNot · 10/10/2021 11:43

Bluntness

We don’t have issues just can read between the lines

He is already lining up his excuses why he can’t stay …..

Of course he is keen he thinks she has fallen for his story

Op isn’t so desperate that she wants to fit around his clubbing Hmm activities

Good for you op! Don’t pander to him

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:44

@Bluntness100 i agree with this assessment

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 11:46

@biddybid73

Maybe he had plans to watch the boxing last night?

You had an opportunity to ask him what his plans were last night...

He told her what his plans were last night - 15 minutes before abruptly leaving!

OP I don't blame you for being annoyed. As a fellow single parent who also only has 2 Saturday nights a month I'd be mighty annoyed to have made the effort to get ready and go out to meet someone for them to ditch me while having a lovely time to go somewhere else, necessitating me to cut the evening short and go home. The last minute announcement makes it all the worse. If he's said when arranging the date you could decide whether you still wanted to go knowing you had an 11pm curfew. Out of interest what time did your 2 previous dates end? I also found it odd there was plentiful kissing last time but just a quick peck this. It works make me wonder if there is someone new on the science that wasn't there on date 2

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:46

@OhWhyNot, interesting you immediately thought it was about uou

Ans there are folks asking how old he is, does he have a job etc and she’s already explained that and there are even folks saying he’s rude to have only spent five hours on a date with her. That basically she’s entitled to as much of his time as she wishes. Although I’d guess if she had wanted to go at 11 after five hours that would have been acceptable.

So yeah, issues.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:47

Ffs. This man is in his 40s! If he was 22 and meeting a girl and then ‘oh sorry, just realised I have to go clubbing...’ that would be one thing.

But if he’s in his 40s he’s the same age as me - ie. old enough to remember the days of yore before OLD and when dating was less casual.

Sending her a text to check if she got home ok does not make him ‘enthusiastic.’ This is basic. Hmm

If he was enthusiastic, he would have taken her to dinner or whatever and would have made her feel that the evening was about her. This does NOT mean the expectation of sex (and I don’t think the OP should be looking at it this way either), but it’s more about just generally making a proper effort. He is not a teenager ffs. He’s lived a life.

OhWhyNot · 10/10/2021 11:49

Oh Bluntness are you doing a little armchair psychology. Do carry on

Livpool · 10/10/2021 11:50

So you are annoyed he didn't want to have sex with you?! You sound quite needy

After 3 dates he doesn't owe you anything and 11pm is a fine time to end a date

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 11:51

@JustLyra

It actually sounds like the guy missed the bulk of his friend’s leaving do to spend time with you. That’s pretty telling.
It doesn't sound like that at all, he told OP it was a late night clubbing thing when op asked why the party was starting at midnight.
GoingOutOutNEVER · 10/10/2021 11:53

He sounds like a person who doesnt like to change plans. He could have been working, out with mates etc etc. Give him a chance

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:55

Also, Bluntness, I’m not sure why you’re accusing people of having ‘issues’ when here you are, trying to persuade the OP to accept a very low bar in terms of dating. There is no point flogging a dead horse, nor compromising on reasonable expectations from men (or anyone). Read between the lines here.

liveforsummer · 10/10/2021 11:55

He literally told her he was going clubbing. Why would you think he might actually be working? That wound be a very odd thing for him to lie about!

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 11:55

[quote cocavino]@NotresDames yes, i have had a therapist. She thinks I am ready to date, but cautioned me to take things slowly.

My ex systematically withheld affection and it really, really hurt me. It's definitely true that I should not jump into bed with anyone too quickly. I just feel lonely and unattractive[/quote]
I think that your date's behaviour on this occasion was incompatible with your current psychological landscape regarding dating.

It doesn't mean he's done anything wrong. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

You've got 3 options: put this out of your mind and keep seeing him; put this out of your mind and stop seeing him; talk to him about it.

If you can't talk to him about it, your relationship isn't close enough to be ready for sex anyway (assuming you're dating because you'd like a relationship, not a ONS)

Your feelings of loneliness and unattractiveness have nothing to do with this guys actions. He can't 'make something worse' unless it's there already. His actions aren't in charge of your self image.

He's something of an unwitting and innocent bystander to your internal turmoil, it seems. He didn't do anything wrong, he just did something that didn't sit well with you. Don't blame him; look at why it's affecting you.

DameMaureen · 10/10/2021 11:57

He was rude by not telling you ahead of time .On this basis alone I would kick him into touch .

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 10/10/2021 11:59

I know a lot probably missed this because it’s in OP’s FOURTH comment but: He's into clubbing and someone was having a leaving party.

So he went to a leaving party. Someone else did immediately point out this was a drip feed and for good reason. Could have been a best mate. Could have been an close coworker who also enjoys clubbing. Who knows. But it wasn’t just some random night of clubbing as put in the OP. He had a 5-hour date with you then went to a leaving party that HAPPENED to be clubbing. A bit different.

If you want to give him one more date to figure out if there’s chemistry, do. If you don’t want to, don’t. But no, someone leaving a date after five hours for a leaving party doesn’t indicate that they have no interest in me or sex.

But Bluntness is right; you’d be getting horrifically short shrift for expecting either a woman has sex with you on the third date or that’s the end of it.

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 12:06

@cocavino

Why would I send a very enthusiastic text when I don't feel enthusiastic?
If you don’t feel enthusiastic about him, we’re all wasting our time. Bin him and move on.
RiverSkater · 10/10/2021 12:06

I get it, you wanted more snogging and him unable to tear himself away. Not other plans and a peck on the cheek.

Maybe he double booked because he wanted to see you last night and seeing you was enough fir him?

He sounds keen but I'd look around and not put all you eggs in one basket.