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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/10/2021 11:10

Jesus christ you don't need therapy because you feel crap and deflated when a guy who was previously really into fucks off with no notice on your third date.

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 11:12

@5catsonthedesk

“you’re both approaching middle aged”

Middle aged? They’re in their early 20s aren’t they?

They’re in their 40s. Not approaching middle age but firmly ensconced in it!

don't think it's right or fair to expect men to be your way of getting over your past relationship

I agree with this. It’s just wasting their time.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:12

If this man is in his 40s then this is beyond ridiculous.

I had it in my mind he was early 20s.

Ffs. That’s a whole new perspective. Block him and move forwards OP. I’m sorry.

PearLime · 10/10/2021 11:12

I think he had a right to leave for whatever reason he wanted and you have a right to feel miffed!

Honestly OP, the dating scene is wall to wall cock. You can defo find someone great for a fling!

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:13

@NotresDames I don't expect any man to fix the problem, but I do think that I need to experience some dates etc to understand what I want and what healthy dating should look like.

@Bluntness100 it's not the clubbing so much as the likely sleeping all day at the weekend after being out. If I were to date someone longer term, I would want to be able to plan to spend weekend time together. I don't think that's unreasonable.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:13

Op your therapist is right and what you’re attempting to do is the opposite of taking it slow. And you’re also trying to punish him because he won’t go at your fast pace. You want him to know you’re unhappy about it. You will even bin him for it.

Your disappointment is understandable, you’d built yourself up to expect something of a near stranger and you were trying to move the pace along very fast, but being understandable doesn’t mean it’s acceptable.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:15

@Bluntness100 it's not the clubbing so much as the likely sleeping all day at the weekend after being out. If I were to date someone longer term, I would want to be able to plan to spend weekend time together. I don't think that's unreasonable

I agree with you there, and quite frankly I’d not be keen to be with someone who spent their weekends like this either. But you appear not to know if he does it every weekend or indeed sleeps all the time, and this was a leaving party, one he likely delayed going to to be with you. As they probably started earlier elsewhere and he told them he’d meet them at the club.

OhWhyNot · 10/10/2021 11:15

Sex is possibility and he has plans to go clubbing

I don’t believe this

There is someone else or he is married/living with someone/seeing someone else

Move on to someone who has more time and is more interested

butterflyze · 10/10/2021 11:15

Plans at midnight, eh? Perhaps he had to get home before his mum put the chain up and bolted the door for the night... Grin

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:16

@Bluntness100 no, I didn't respond to the text because I thought it was rude to spring his further plans on me at 10:45, and I thought the question about getting home safely was disingenuous.

It's probably clear from this thread that I am confused. I have said that I want sex on some level but also that I would not even have done it. I'm sure that's true. The idea of having sex is terrifying.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/10/2021 11:17

I wouldn't want to date a nightclub fan either. Not because I think men shouldn't have their own lives and interests, but because I'm no longer at that life stage and it suggests incompatibility.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:17

@butterflyzeGrin

OP posts:
daisypond · 10/10/2021 11:19

He was going clubbing for a leaving party. It might be the first club he’s gone to for years, and will be the last one for years too.

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 11:19

@OhWhyNot

Sex is possibility and he has plans to go clubbing

I don’t believe this

There is someone else or he is married/living with someone/seeing someone else

Move on to someone who has more time and is more interested

Why don’t you believe it? Do you think being male means that sex trumps everything?
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:20

@daisypond no, he has told me about other late night events he has gone to over the past few weeks

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 10/10/2021 11:20

This is a third date! Get some perspective. Not everyone wants to have sex so early so maybe he thought it was a reasonable thing to do! When I started dating my now husband, I would have been well pissed off if he was sulking because I had made arrangements to see friends after our third date. I would think it’s a bit intense for me. If you just want a fling, there are plenty of people out there to do it with. There are plenty of red flags men show you, but going back home and/or doing something else after date 3 isn’t one of them.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:21

But op you still went and got waxed and were last night presenting a very different story. You do sound confused. You also seem to be going directly against your Therapists advice. You delayed responding and then sent a “Luke warm” response for a reason, you want him to know you’re pissed.

Maybe you’re not ready to date and need to talk it through with your therapist how you’ve behaved here,

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:22

Very few men in their 40s are regular clubbers, let’s be honest.

Nor would they approach a date like this.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 11:22

@MorrisZapp

Jesus christ you don't need therapy because you feel crap and deflated when a guy who was previously really into fucks off with no notice on your third date.

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

He didn’t fuck off with no notice, he spent five hours with her and politely ended the date.
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 11:24

Does this man have a job? Does he live on his own or what?

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:24

@Bluntness100 i am just well organised and like to be prepared for possible outcomes.

I don't assume he will think I am pissed - in fact, I don't really want unpleasantness. My follow up was nice enough.

I think I am something of an ice queen generally and it would take a lot to get me to send a super enthusiastic text in any case. I used exclamation marks, but no superlatives.

OP posts:
OhWhyNot · 10/10/2021 11:26

I think on a third date someone wanting to not make second plans for the evening isn’t too much to expect

The possibility of sex over clubbing then yes if someone is that interested male or female

Why not make the date on another night ?

And he has told the op of other late night activities. How convenient to drop that in …

He isn’t available to stay overnight op he is lining up his reasons why but I very much doubt that is anything to do with clubbing

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:27

@5catsonthedesk i believe he is in a house share, saving money for a place. He got divorced sometime in the past few years and I think he isn't exactly settled at this time.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 10/10/2021 11:28

Intentionally or not you have punished him, by sulking, for not wanting to have sex with you.

Even when you admitted you were wrong you say your texts were “Luke warm”. So still punishing.

That is something you really need to discuss with your therapist before you date any further.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 11:30

Why would I send a very enthusiastic text when I don't feel enthusiastic?

OP posts: