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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 10:33

I think, to be honest, if men are interested they will arrange another date before that date has finished. For instance, he wouldn’t have just vaguely mentioned going to a museum and left it at that. He would have confirmed that as a date when you expressed an interest.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:34

Fine. I didn't express myself brilliantly last night. However, I have now refined the question and the point, so let me assure everyone that I was put off by the sudden departure and the confusing quick peck followed by a somewhat enthusiastic text.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:35

(though separately I want to feel that I am attractive and my ego is slightly bruised from his apparent lack of interest in me physically)

OP posts:
Anonanon1234 · 10/10/2021 10:36

[quote cocavino]@houseonthehill I can see this is a possibility, especially in combination with the other poster's point about it seeming presumptuous to tell me in advance that he is busy at midnight.

The clubbing in and of itself may be problematic as it doesn't exactly fit into my lifestyle.

It's difficult not to get a bit down about my relationship and life situationSad. I am a single mum and can only meet up twice a month really.[/quote]
The clubbing in and of itself may be problematic as it doesn't exactly fit into my lifestyle
THIS is a weird comment to make.
HIS interests don't have to fit into your lifestyle - it is important, and necessary, that he has a life outside of 'you two' [and you're not even an exclusive couple yet] ....It's like you can already see a future with him and anything that doesn't fit with your likes, you want to change or aren't happy with.
If this was a guy posting about a woman - all MNers would be commenting red flags etc.

TillyTopper · 10/10/2021 10:36

I wouldn't judge him harshly on this - he had plans, he told you in advance. Perhaps he did have plans (they sound plausible), perhaps he didn't want you to expect sex on date 3. It's not like you got in bed and he ran from the room to go clubbing. See how it goes, but to me this wouldn't be a red flag.

NautaOcts · 10/10/2021 10:37

@cocavino I have not rtft but just your posts.

Just on a basic level I don’t think yabu to be surprised and feel a bit confused that there was less physical intimacy than on the previous date. I.e. just an quick peck on the cheek when there’d been some full on snogging previously.

I get it - you’re know you weren’t owed anything but yanbu to have expected at least three same level of intimacy as last time or for things to progress.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 10:37

Take no notice of the people being weird on here OP. Of course you would be confused by this behaviour. It’s like being slotted in before the main event (whatever that was for him). And if he was less physical / enthusiastic on this date compared to the previous one, of course you would be wondering why.

MorrisZapp · 10/10/2021 10:40

This is why modern 'dating' is mental. In my day, if you snogged the face off a guy on date two (we never called it date two) then similar levels of excitement would 100% be expected on the next night out.

If heavy snog guy turned into 'got to dash!' guy then I'd assume he's a tiresome game player. If after two dates he can leave you standing so he can spend time with his mates then he is not that arsed is he? I'd expect him to be totally focused on me, after all there are six other nights in the week to wash his socks and catch a nightclub.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:40

@Anonanon1234 Hmm noooo, that would be a problem in the sense that it would be a reason to stop seeing him. Because our lives aren't compatible.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:41

@TillyTopper he didn't tell me about the other plans in advance

OP posts:
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 10:42

@cocavino

Fine. I didn't express myself brilliantly last night. However, I have now refined the question and the point, so let me assure everyone that I was put off by the sudden departure and the confusing quick peck followed by a somewhat enthusiastic text.
Wait and see if he contacts you again. I have a feeling he won't.

You don't need to have a flashing sign on your head saying Desperate for sex for guys to pick up the message.

For whatever reason, he wanted to leave. Did he say why or where he was off to? If he didn't, then that to me says it was not genuine.
Most people would say at the start of the date, or even during it,

'Look I'm really sorry but I double-booked myself tonight, before you and I met, and I've got something [fills in blanks] to go to. Let's get together next week again?'

Suddenly disappearing to some unknown event doesn't sound great.

Just be glad he didn't shag you and then ghost you which is another less nice option.

And decide if you want ONS, or a Fuckbuddy, or a relationship if you are dating again.

gannett · 10/10/2021 10:42

@DoYouLikeOwls

*BoPeeple

thenewduchessofhastings

Sounds like he had a booty call at midnight.

Absolutely this.*

I did think maybe this and he is dating more than you. Which is rude.

Or the Boxing?

I don't understand why posters can't wrap their heads around clubbing at midnight? It isn't even what OP's asking about?

He went clubbing. That's the time clubbing happens. It wasn't the boxing. It wasn't a booty call. It wasn't caring responsibilities. It was clubbing.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 10:44

So how is it left now? Is he meant to be contacting you? Give him until 1pm to text, otherwise onwards and upwards. Don’t waste energy.

NotresDames · 10/10/2021 10:45

I also think that DATE 3 is crunch time.

Date 1- hmmm they seem okay but not sure.
Date 2 - as above
Dare 3- nope, definitely not my type and not going to get into bed as I have no intention of seeing them again.

NotresDames · 10/10/2021 10:47

It was clubbing.

Mystic Meg consults her crystal ball Grin

It's odd he didn't say what he was off to do.

Most people would be open.

I think he just wanted to end the date.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:47

@5catsonthedesk he texted to say what an amazing time he had and to let him know when i got home.

He also asked about my further availability when he dropped me at the station.

I have not responded to his texts.

OP posts:
NotresDames · 10/10/2021 10:48

@cocavino Did you not ask him what he was off to do?

I can't believe you just sat there and gawped and let him disappear.

Even if you'd asked it in a jokey tone, you ought to have said something.

Coffeetree · 10/10/2021 10:49

Really sorry if I missed it, but at what point did you find out that he'd made plans for after you ate?

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:49

@NotresDames he said he was off to some clubbing related leaving do for someone who is leaving London. I asked and I was like Hmm who has a party that starts at midnight! He responded that they are all clubbers. He had a specific destination and a bus route he was planning on taking.

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 10:50

Exactly. If you knew you had to be somewhere else for 12, you would definitely mention this at the start of the date with a reason as to why it couldn’t be rearranged and you would be very apologetic. You would do this even if you were just meeting for dinner with a group of friends, let alone on a date!

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 10:50

@Coffeetree he told me when I suggested catching another music act at the place where we were

OP posts:
Justme10 · 10/10/2021 10:50

He went clubbing and to a leaving party, OP said in her fourth post.

I don't think he was rude at all but to be honest I don't think you like him very much, you seem to be picking at every little thing he's done.

Tell him you don't want to see him again and figure out what you want from the men you are dating whether it's casual or serious.

NotresDames · 10/10/2021 10:51

Why don't you stop over-thinking it all and decide if you want to see him or not?

I suspect
a) he's not as invested as you are and may be seeing other women too
b) he was being polite by asking when you were available, and even if you tell him, he may not follow up.

The only way to find out is to reply to his text.

milcal · 10/10/2021 10:51

Realistically I guy who doesn't have sex on the third date is probably respecting you. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to. Yes it's annoying that he didn't carry the night on later sex or no sex but I'd give this one a chance and see how long it takes for him to suggest to go further. Don't lay it on a plate if you like the guy and want it to be a relationship in the future.

Coffeetree · 10/10/2021 10:52

If he was up front about it and gave you the option, that's okay.

If you showed up for a proper Saturday night date and then got hit with the new plans, then nahhhhh.

A proper romantic date has to be open-ended, not necessarily for sex but for a long walk or talking all night and generally wanting to spend as much time together as possible.

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