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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

135 replies

theshyone · 09/10/2021 22:41

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/10/2021 22:44

My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues
Your manager sounds like an overbearing arse!

Original poster

theshyone · 09/10/2021 22:46

@GreyhoundG1rl

My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues Your manager sounds like an overbearing arse!

No she is great and I can tell it's asked with good intentions

OP posts:

Keladrythesaviour · 09/10/2021 22:49

Have you tried building relationships 1:1 with different members of the team? I'm not very good in a big group (well I'm a manager, so I'm fine at leading them, but not at socialising when I don't know a group) but I find once I build up 1:1 relationships it makes the group side of things much easier.

With the WhatsApp can you just dip in and out? You aren't having to look them in the eye so it might be easier just to put the odd emoji as a response of someone is joking around. 😂 Is always a good failsafe!

converseandjeans · 09/10/2021 22:50

They do sound quite nice & welcoming. However you shouldn't feel like you have to respond all the time to WhatsApp etc. Try not to worry.

Greydove28 · 09/10/2021 22:50

The problem isn't you its them. Im very outgoing and sociable but wouldn't be happy to be added to work whatsapp group immediately and forced to participate in forced fun. At the end of the day they are your work colleagues not friends. Sounds completely overbearing.

buckeejit · 09/10/2021 22:52

I'd just pick whoever you feel lost comfortable woth & tell them you need time to warm to people as your more guarded by nature but you're happy to be there & glad they're a good bunch

SoniaFouler · 09/10/2021 22:56

I don’t think you should change to fit in, you’re not Sandy in Grease, but it does sound like you’re not right for the job, and you don’t enjoy working it either.

Sparklybanana · 09/10/2021 22:56

You need to show them the Ted talk about the power of the introvert by Susan cain.
I empathise with you. I'm not comfortable in a room full of people but feel so much pressure to be "normal". Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean I'm not OK.

We're not scary? You're not scary- they don't need to be afraid because you don't spend all your time talking.

myadhdusername · 09/10/2021 22:56

Ughhhh OP I completely get you! So so much. I joined a new team in the first half of the year and I’m very similar to you in personality. I’m really struggling to integrate myself into the team and like you I can tell they’re aware of it. I’m polite and friendly but struggle to get over that hump where I’m able to to just get more involved. When I hear a conversation strike up around me it’s just so unnatural of me to integrate myself into it.

Quiet people get a bad rep on here at times which I think is unfair. We are who we are and as long as you’re not being rude then you need to be yourself.

Just wanted you to know you aren’t alone!

myadhdusername · 09/10/2021 22:57

I’m finding it much easier to gel with them one on one. Could you try that? Group chats can be overwhelming!

DixonD · 09/10/2021 22:59

Don’t change for anyone. As you get older, you become more comfortable with who you are and this stuff won’t bother you. Just don’t lose yourself along the way!

I’m just like you, by the way. And I don’t care what others think of me now.

Sarahlou63 · 09/10/2021 22:59

I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it.

Sorry, but you have no hard evidence that they are disappointed - you say yourself "they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them".

Have a look at this guide to negative automatic thoughts;

positivepsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/Identifying-ANTS-Challenging-Different-Types-of-Automatic-Thoughts.pdf

I'm sure you will recognise some of them (we all use them!) so try working on the ones that cause you the most distress.

Etinox · 09/10/2021 23:02

Hmmm
On one hand even the most extrovert person sometimes just cba, but if it’s work, you just have to fake it til you make it and jollily post and join in. I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference.” However if this is on your personal phone it’s completely unreasonable. And if that’s the company culture you’d probably be happier elsewhere.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/10/2021 23:08

I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference.”
Yes, you probably are.

Enforced jollity makes me cringe.

BurntO · 09/10/2021 23:12

OP I’d be you if I got a new job WFH. It’s hard. I make friends with the people I sit with as I warm up to them, I had that privilege pre covid. You did not.

Teams have outspoken people and quiet people. Both are fine.

You see them once a week for in office? Are there any you are closer too that you can build a connection with?

SofiaMichelle · 09/10/2021 23:15

My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out...

Tell her you're not a member of The Four Tops!

Widgets · 09/10/2021 23:17

I totally understand, we have ice breaks at EVERY team meeting, it’s cringe worthy! We all know each other, no new members to the team but we have to take it in turns creating ice breaks for ‘forced fun’ as number 1 on the team meeting agenda. I HATE it

Graphista · 09/10/2021 23:18

It's the same old "extroverts v introverts" thing

Generally speaking extroverts don't "understand" introverts or rather they expect them to behave as extroverts even though it doesn't come naturally and isn't easy for them

I'm a weirdo in that I'm an introvert but I can do a good job of faking being an extrovert

My dd who is not just an introvert but also suffers from social anxiety (could this be you too op? I think possibly) cannot and has a lot of trouble navigating the world usually lockdown was a godsend for her!

but it does sound like you’re not right for the job, and you don’t enjoy working it either.

I completely disagree! This has nothing to do with the actual job!

Unless the job (which I don't think it is from sounds of things) actually requires lots of public speaking etc then it really shouldn't be an issue. It sounds more like the rest of the team are immature/narrow minded and need to learn to accept people for who they are!

bringincrazyback · 09/10/2021 23:20

@SofiaMichelle

My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out...

Tell her you're not a member of The Four Tops!

I love this!

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 23:22

People who aren’t good socially tend to call bogstandard socialising enforced jolity.

It’s obviously a sociable workplace and maybe not the job for you OP.

You ask want to do - just go out for lunch/drinks. You can’t get over shyness if you don’t try.

Dazedandconfused10 · 09/10/2021 23:24

My team is full of extroverts and group chats are constant, I actually bought it up with my boss when she mentioned about not being so involved. Pointed out that no one has asked the team the change their ways to suit to the introverts in the team and I shouldn't have to change to fit their mould.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/10/2021 23:26

People who aren’t good socially tend to call bogstandard socialising enforced jolity.
No.

GreenTeaPingPong · 09/10/2021 23:28

I think you are projecting your own worries about being too shy and quiet onto them. The comments you list don't imply that they're disappointed - perhaps they're not used to very shy people and are trying to encourage you to join in as they're worried that you're not enjoying working there.
One good tip - if you find yourself in a position where you need to make small talk with someone, ask them a question, about anything - how long they've worked there, where they bought their shoes, are they doing or did they do anything nice at the weekend. People generally like talking about themselves, so just give them an opportunity to do it, and seem interested.

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2021 23:29

Is it a social role with networking?

GreenTeaPingPong · 09/10/2021 23:31

@TatianaBis

People who aren’t good socially tend to call bogstandard socialising enforced jolity.

It’s obviously a sociable workplace and maybe not the job for you OP.

You ask want to do - just go out for lunch/drinks. You can’t get over shyness if you don’t try.

What crap advice. Telling someone who's feeling insecure about a new job 'it's maybe not the job for you'?

If only all shy people knew that invaluable gem 'just go out for lunch/drinks'

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