To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

[theshyone]

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

• You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
• We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
• I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
• A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
• My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

@Lottie2shoes yes but saying “we are nice and not scary” implies that the OP is acting as if they aren’t nice, and is acting as if she thinks they are scary people. She doesn’t think either of those things, and implying that makes the situation more awkward for her. Saying something like “I know it’s a bit scary joining a new team at first, let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel a bit more comfortable” would be far more helpful. It doesn’t put the blame on OP.

How about - send a message, but don't put any apology or "sorry" in it. Sorry puts you on the wrong foot and tells everyone that you think you are a problem, and they will believe you.

Instead just send a message with the nice things you said in it - "hey everyone just wanted to say how nice and welcoming you've all been since I joined. I really appreciate it!"

If you want to add a little harmless personal information you could add "loved all the chat about pets, I have a rottweiler called Fred" or "I'm off to walk the West Highland Way this weekend" Or if there is something where they could genuinely help "loved all the chat about pubs, got a friend coming over, anyone have a recommendation for Camden?" - substitute reading groups, photography class, nice restaurant... whatever floats your boat. If you have things in common it shouldn't be too hard to find an overlap.

If they're planning a get-tgoether and you want to join "looking forward to seeing you all at wherever" or if you'd really rather leave it for a bit "hoping to get together with everyone at Christmas".

But these last bits are optional, don't do it if you can't think of anything. Just the friendly bit at the start will probably keep everyone happy.

There's two things I would do.

1. Start participating in the WhatsApp group.

1. On your day in the office starting having lunch with one of them, build up a friendship, and do this with others as weeks go on. Once you know people a bit more individually you'll find it easier to talk more in a group

I suspect they appreciate that you are quiet and shy but don't expect that to extend to WhatsApp.

@questionforyouguys

Ok, as a manager myself. You need to get over any insecurities you have and put your big girl pants on and 'pretend' you give a shit. Otherwise you'll be on the sideline for too long and become way to bitter to deal with real life

What a nasty comment!

Work nights out are a good way to see people away from the constraints of work. Talk about the persons dress, shoes, suit to get the ball rolling, if they don’t respond to exactly the same chat to someone else. It does get easier.

I think cut yourself some slack it's only been a few weeks, hard enough face to face and even more so when joining a team working remotely. Meeting the team on a 121 basis getting to know what their roles are and how you work together is a good way to ask for that 121 with each colleague in team. I set up inductions with each team member, then our heads and other teams colleagues whom they could potentially work with just 30 mins per person and that really worked. New team member now has connected with a few and really part of the team. It also helped them to be more authentic and well be themselves not feeling they needed to change. Yiu should never be made to feel you are not a right fit as that's not inclusive at all, it's about being supported to fund your space abd connections within your team so that you contribute with your unique contribution.

Apologies about spelling!

OP I think you've posted similar posts under different usernames? I'm sorry the other threads haven't helped.

If you are the same person, then take it easy on yourself. It's a PR company - they are more extrovert than most industries. For you not to immediately fit in isn't a failing on your part.

You are doing well, they have praised your work, they are trying to make you comfortable though maybe in a slightly cack-handed way as they don't understand the challenges of being really shy.

You're wfh a lot, which makes the bonding harder. You've had some good advice on this thread - try and join in the WhatsApp chat a bit and building relationships 1-1 with a couple of people to start off with.

You can't force yourself to be someone you're not so maybe this will turn out not to be the industry for you - but don't assume that now. I've a feeling you will find your niche there eventually once you are more used to the people, and they understand you better. They seem well meaning.

I also hate this stuff but have found it sort of necessary at points in my career.
If you really want to stay in this particular role then try toparticipate, even when you're not inclined.
Say something just to have said something. Ask questions that you don't particularly care about the answer to, ask more questions based on their answer. This is usually enough to get you out of the "unsociable" column.
If you don't like team lunches or after work drinks, invent some sort of obligation to get out of them (say you go for a run/to the gym/to a class of some sort) but attend some of the "special occasion" socials so it's not obvious that you're avoiding them.

[quote ArranMumma]@Lottie2shoes yes but saying “we are nice and not scary” implies that the OP is acting as if they aren’t nice, and is acting as if she thinks they are scary people. She doesn’t think either of those things, and implying that makes the situation more awkward for her. Saying something like “I know it’s a bit scary joining a new team at first, let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel a bit more comfortable” would be far more helpful. It doesn’t put the blame on OP.[/quote]
Yeah true. Could be worded better.
Although she may well look like she's scared if she's giving off nervous energy when they speak to her.
It's one of those situations, I think, where you need to be present to see how a person is reacting and seeing how they respond to that reaction.
.
OP, personally I think they are just trying to be welcoming and understandably for you as an introvert, it might be a bit much. I do not think they dislike you though, they are just trying to get you to come out of your shell.
I would see it as a positive, what you do with this is entirely up to you.
You can either join in more and make yourself a part of the group, or back off and they will slowly get the message that you want to be left alone.

You do not need to change for others! You need to be able to be yourself. They sound a bit much tbh.

[quote ArranMumma]@Lottie2shoes yes but saying “we are nice and not scary” implies that the OP is acting as if they aren’t nice, and is acting as if she thinks they are scary people. She doesn’t think either of those things, and implying that makes the situation more awkward for her. Saying something like “I know it’s a bit scary joining a new team at first, let me know if there’s anything I can do to make you feel a bit more comfortable” would be far more helpful. It doesn’t put the blame on OP.[/quote]
As someone who is shy and struggles in new situations I'd far rather have the first comment than the second.
The first, I could laugh with them. It's a friendly phrase. I don't feel it puts the blame on me, I'd see it as an invite to be "one of the gang".
The second come across as patronising and forced. I wouldn't be able to think of anything they could do, and would feel rather pathetic about it.

OP, as a shy person I love WhatsApp groups. They're a really good way to get to know people and join in without feeling you're butting in.
If everyone's having a joke on the group, just put in LOL or similar. Ask a couple of questions (people love to help generally). If someone's helped you during the day, pop a thanks on there "Thanks for the help this morning Kate, I managed to sort it out."
If there's a general invitation, reply. "Looking forward to it, see you there" or "Sorry, can't make it this time."
And don't get upset if the conversation moves fast and you don't get a response. Or if you feel that every time you say something the group goes quiet. Chances are it's just how you feel, bnot what has actually happened!

Thank you for all of these replies, they have really helped. I was worried that I was going to be told that I would get some kind of formal discipline or not pass my probation if I don't try and immediately get over a lifetime of shyness.

I do like my colleagues and can see myself being friends with them so I think I'm also frustrated as it is such a good opportunity for me to get to know people.

I did well in previous jobs when I worked in-person with people, just being forced to be around others for all day everyday kind of forced me out of my shyness and I was a well-liked member of the team. However, my company has several offices in the country and when I applied I was told I could be based in the office most local to me, once I started I found out that my entire department all go to another office location which is a really long commute away.

I'm already dreading the work Christmas party and after-work drinks. I don't really drink alcohol due to past experiences and I get nervous being around drunk people. Do you think I can just say I'm driving so can't drink? Or should I just try and drink something (at university I would go along with peer pressure and just drink). I don't even know the names of drinks like different cocktails and stuff, I have completely avoided alcohol in my life as much as possible. It just feels like yet another thing that's going to make me seem like an outcast.

They sound like work is an important part of / extension to their social life. I hate this but now that I am in my 40s and senior management and I don’t feel bad about it any more. I really learned a lot from a colleague who was very unapologetic about limiting social interaction outside of work - it gave me confidence. I know that there are people who think I am standoffish but this is my job, I have a very busy personal life (study and caring, nothing amazingly fun!) and I have to have firm boundaries. However if you would like to be involved op, and you feel your shyness is holding you back (which is very different from genuinely not wanting to) then doing it in small ways can help - one thing at a time, choose to actively respond to a message, or accept an invitation. But not every invitation. WhatsApp groups can be intrusive but they can also be a good way to get yourself into the habit of interacting more, if that’s what you would like to do.

@questionforyouguys

Ok, as a manager myself. You need to get over any insecurities you have and put your big girl pants on and 'pretend' you give a shit. Otherwise you'll be on the sideline for too long and become way to bitter to deal with real life

There are different styles of management. I don’t see my role as manager as hard line, pull your socks up, grow up bluster. I see my role as leadership, motivating and supporting people to do their job well and to feel valued. I think there are people that are not very confident in their leadership skills and compensate with this kind of stereotypical “management” attitude.

I think there are people that are not very confident in their leadership skills and compensate with this kind of stereotypical “management” attitude.
I've seen two managers sent for reprogramming training after multiple complaints about their management style and the obvious effects it was having on staff morale.
All managers are not created equal, and some really haven't a clue how to people manage effectively.

@theshyone

I'm already dreading the work Christmas party and after-work drinks. I don't really drink alcohol due to past experiences and I get nervous being around drunk people

Holy moly. Stop consigning how you feel to the 'I must change this' category. How you feel is who you are. There's no wonder you feel shy if you keep thinking that how you feel is unacceptable even to you

You're an adult. You are in charge of what you do, who you see, where you go. Boundaries, in a sentence, is: do things that make you feel good, and avoid things that make you feel bad. There is no part of the boundaries equation that's about questioning whether or not you are acceptable, because you are. Your job is to find places where other people are comfortable with how you are, in order that you can be yourself without feeling questioned. You will feel much less shy around people like that. The problem right now is that you yourself are one of the people who questions you, so, wherever you go, you are with someone who makes you feel shy: You.

Are there people in your life with whom you don't feel shy? Family? Old friends? Has there occasionally been a person you've come across who you felt you weren't shy with, even though you didn't know them very well?

Next time your manager asks if you’re ‘reaching out’ or chatting to colleagues, make a point of saying how nice and welcoming everyone has been and how much you appreciate it. You can be honest and say ‘I’m still getting used to things, so I probably seem a bit quiet at the moment, but everyone’s been very helpful’ or similar. It could be a useful strategy if your colleagues are being told ‘Try to include the new girl a bit more’ or similar.

I'm already dreading the work Christmas party and after-work drinks. I don't really drink alcohol due to past experiences and I get nervous being around drunk people. Do you think I can just say I'm driving so can't drink? Or should I just try and drink something (at university I would go along with peer pressure and just drink). I don't even know the names of drinks like different cocktails and stuff, I have completely avoided alcohol in my life as much as possible. It just feels like yet another thing that's going to make me seem like an outcast.

If you’re not used to alcohol, I would really advise against making the Christmas party the occasion to try it. Much better to just say you’re not much of a drinker and leave it at that.

You need to dial back from thinking about the Christmas party. It's October. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Just take things one day at a time, make an effort to participate even in small ways. As I said upthread, do your best to come out of your head.

Focus on the positive aspects of the job, and believe me when I say, nobody is constantly thinking about you, or commenting on you. Everyone has their own stuff going on.

I don't really drink alcohol due to past experiences and I get nervous being around drunk people.

Pop in, say hi, leave early. Don't announce that you're leaving, just go when you're ready. People will be too busy having their own kind of fun to mind.

I don't even know the names of drinks like different cocktails and stuff,

That's fine. Most bars etc do non-alcoholic cocktails as well, and they always have a cocktail menu with names and ingredients to choose from.

It just feels like yet another thing that's going to make me seem like an outcast.

At worst it is going to make you seem sweet and naive. But a lot of people don't drink for all sorts of reasons and it is better not to explain - if you say you are driving someone will offer to share a taxi home and then you're in trouble. Have a drink if you like, I enjoy a gin and tonic (with ice and leman). But don't let the company arseholes force alcohol down you - you will recognise the company arseholes because they are ones who wont take no for an answer. Keep saying "no thank you" when they offer. No excuses and no explanations. Boring but necessary.

Maybe they just want you to feel more included. Providing you are doing your job I doubt this is genuinely causing your colleagues any concern

@theshyone op it sounds silly but give yourself some time.
I’m just like you, really struggled at uni, very shy and introverted. I’ve been at my job for 9 years now and finally now I’m comfortable haha! One of my colleagues is basically my best friend and I really fit in now. But I honestly spent the first 5 years or so not socialising with them and feeling really overwhelmed. I had some therapy for social anxiety and I’ve taken real baby steps. But most of all, they should accept you for who you are. Just keep being you, you will get there and you might find some friendships along the way. But if you don’t - it doesn’t matter!

@theshyone

Thank you for all of these replies, they have really helped. I was worried that I was going to be told that I would get some kind of formal discipline or not pass my probation if I don't try and immediately get over a lifetime of shyness.

I do like my colleagues and can see myself being friends with them so I think I'm also frustrated as it is such a good opportunity for me to get to know people.

I did well in previous jobs when I worked in-person with people, just being forced to be around others for all day everyday kind of forced me out of my shyness and I was a well-liked member of the team. However, my company has several offices in the country and when I applied I was told I could be based in the office most local to me, once I started I found out that my entire department all go to another office location which is a really long commute away.

I'm already dreading the work Christmas party and after-work drinks. I don't really drink alcohol due to past experiences and I get nervous being around drunk people. Do you think I can just say I'm driving so can't drink? Or should I just try and drink something (at university I would go along with peer pressure and just drink). I don't even know the names of drinks like different cocktails and stuff, I have completely avoided alcohol in my life as much as possible. It just feels like yet another thing that's going to make me seem like an outcast.

Not drinking is usually not an issue nowadays (especially with people around mid-30s or younger). If you say "I don't drink" most people will be won't ask follow-up questions. Personally, it's all that gets me through work "parties".

No don’t drink! I don’t drink because it makes me feel rubbish. Of course you can say you’re driving, in my experience though people will say “oh why aren’t you drinking? What never? Couldn’t you just have one?” So be ready with answers and feel free to say “I’m driving and I really don’t like alcohol so I don’t drink anyway”…