To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

[theshyone]

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

• You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
• We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
• I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
• A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
• My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

@lazylinguist

I think you are projecting your own worries about being too shy and quiet onto them.

^This. Encouraging you to join in is not at all the same as being disappointed in you! They must like you - otherwise they wouldn't be wanting you to be more social with you. You'll feel more comfortable with them as you settle in, but.you shouldn't have to try and be someone you're not.

This was my first reaction, on reading the OP. We all do it, to an extent. Projecting our thoughts onto other people. 'They think XYZ' when in reality 'they' are thinking about their own stuff.

OP, it's probably like most teams. There will be people on it that you click with, and people that you don't. Do your best to come out of your head, and try to stop yourself from over interpreting what other people say.
If they say, it's a nice day, take it that's what they meant, don't rush off to thinking they meant you should be doing something differently because it's a nice day.

List the good things for yourself e.g you like the job, you're doing it well, the team seem nice. And so on. Remind yourself of the positive things instead of trying to get into other people's heads.

There are some good books that might help, in this regard. Have a look at 'Don't sweat the small stuff at work' by Richard Carlson.

I agree that you're probably over-focusing on their reactions and imagining they think things that they probably don't, at least not to the degree you're worrying about it.

However in these situations the solution is always communication.

Perhaps have a quiet word with your manager where you briefly share your concerns and explain that you are just quite a quiet person and need time to warm up to people, but even then you are unlikely to be a gregarious person. You can say you know the team is well meaning. Your manager will most likely reassure you but also change their behaviour to stop what they probably see as encouraging because they will now realise it's pressuring.

Communication is very important even if you are shy.

You do not need to change. Personality wise I am very much like you and constantly would try and change myself for others who wanted me to be more outgoing. Then I thought...why? Id put myself in situations I felt anxious and unhappy to make others happier.

As long as your job performance is good, your boss and colleagues have no right to pull you up on your social interests or lack of input. Unless it's in your job description it's not a requirement of the role.

If you want to get more involved then I would suggest going into the office a bit more often see if that helps build your confidence and familiarity with your colleagues
Joining an existing dynamic can be hard

I've always been conscious of a person who struggled with shy behaviour and would try gently bring them into conversation.
Your colleagues are very OTT.

Try another job and start with a fake it till you make it attitude.

Practice at home, some fall back conversations, have a varied reply ready eventually you'll find it comes naturally.

Create a list of interesting things about yourself, a hobby will help.

Personally I'd find a new job as they've marked your card or reply "you have to watch the quiet ones" they're mysterious.

People will treat you the way you present yourself.

I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference

Please stop.

It sounds more like to me that everybody is concerned you’re not forthcoming because you don’t like them.

They want you to participate because they want you to feel included and have support.

It’s not then disappointed in you, they want you to feel welcome and included.

I am extremely shy but have improved a lot over the years and feel a lot happier now. I still occasionally find myself in situations where I cannot cope with the socialising but I am so much better than I was. It is something that you want to work on slowly and not get too anxious about. I would do small things like post on the WhatsApp group a little bit more even if it is a smiley face in response to someone else’s comment.

Suggestions:
Maybe choose one of the group to try and get to know, ask her a few questions about her herself, it will help get her on your side.
Put occasional comments on Whatsapp or post a joke or funny video (eg translation of Cat vs printer).
Practise smiling a lot so it comes more naturally.
Check out imposter syndrome and try acting more sociable than you naturally are on a lunch break, tell the group something that you found entertaining/interesting

I sympathise OP, you sound very much like me. I like my coworkers well enough but I'm not friends with them outside of work hours and I find it difficult to join in on the 'banter' which often skirts the line of professionalism because I prefer to play it safe with that sort of thing.

I would say first of all, your new coworkers probably aren't judging as much as you think, you're just hyperaware of your own experience and not fitting in on the social side doesn't necesarrily mean you're bad at the job; but you probably do need to suck it up and go for some of the drinks/lunch invites even if they aren't really your idea of a good time.

It's frustrating to have to go to do of work teambuilding at your own expense and in unpaid time, but it is one of the realities of the workplace. Going to a few (I aim for 1 in 3 though it depends on how frequently your team does this) and putting your professional smiley face on shows a willingness to be cooperative with the group and sends the message you aren't actively snubbing/avoiding them even if you are a little less into that sort of thing than the rest.

Easier thing you can do is to respond to watsapp messages actually

Even an emoticon

When participants don’t respond in my family groups. it’s like somebody is silently observing

1:1 - that’s the next easiest thing to tackle. Only you can do that.

But all the constant emphasis on being social would irritate me no end and I’m quite sociable!

To be honest, it all sounds a bit forced in their place. Like they have decided they are the 'fun' people and this is a 'fun' team to work in. They are seeking to maintain that image by getting you to conform to being 'fun' too.

I have never worked anywhere where people are not just accepted for how they are. I find their forced conformity on their team really alien.

"You do not need to change. Personality wise I am very much like you and constantly would try and change myself for others who wanted me to be more outgoing. Then I thought...why? Id put myself in situations I felt anxious and unhappy to make others happier."

To be fair, op does seem to want to change. She talks about her introversion leading to a lot of unhappiness over the years.

OP, you've had some good advice here I think. Don't attach negative motives to their behaviour - you have no idea what they're all thinking snd it will further damage your self esteem.

It is possible to make small steps of change though, if you want to, whilst remaining true to yourself and largely in your comfort zone. You could try contacting some colleagues individually or taking them up on a low-stakes offer such as a coffee.

If you really are happy as you are, I do think they'll get the message shortly, that this is your preferred style and not a result of wfh and them not welcoming you enough, and then you need not give their opinion of you another thought.

It sounds more like they are trying to get to know you. Teams work better when people know the others quite well.

Does your work rely on teamwork? that could be quite an important bit. My team, for eg, are scattered over about 7 different cities (even without the complication of WFH) and so we communicate a lot, officially, by Teams, email and phone calls. Inofficially we have a WhatsApp group for joking around, checking in if someone is sick (as in "hope you're ok do you need anything" rather than "when are you coming back") etc etc.

If your 1:1s have been ok, i wouldn't worry. Maybe mention to your manager what you're worrying about.

I’m the owner of a company.
And whilst I don’t need my people to be friends I do need them to be a team. And as a creative team we need to know one another. And we can only do that if we speak and share things.
I wouldn’t want anyone on the team who avoided all interaction with the other members.

This is a self esteem issue, OP. It's not about what's actually happening, objectively, it's about your interpretation of what's happening. I don't mean it in a finger-pointy way, because it means you're in charge of this problem, and you're the one who can make it go away. It's good news!

You can make it go away in 2 ways:

1. I obviously need to change but I don't know how
   The only change you need to make is to recognise and accept that you don't need to change. You are great as you are. Teams benefit from having a variety of types of people, and you're not faulty or broken, so the team will benefit from having you.

2. You accept that you and this team are not a compatible pairing. And that's fine. Nobody is 'wrong', it's just not a bad fit. It's like with clothes. You don't go into the shop and feel like you need to change yourself if you try on a pair of trousers and they're too big for you; you just accept it, and move on (unless you are already feeling insecure about being underweight) You can plan to leave, or you can plan to stay, accepting the fact that you won't be there forever so It's just a 'make the best of it' situation.

The company has employed you. You didn't say in the interview that you were a party animal who loves social media 24/7 and whose life revolves around socialising with the office. You said you think you can do the job. Do that for a bit. Maybe they employed you because you seem quiet, and the overlords think that this team is getting a bit too wild? Recognise your power!

Being shy and having social anxiety is hard - I know from personal experience. The cure is to stop focussing on yourself and how you feel when you're with other people. Turn your attention to them, ask about their lives, fake interest until you genuinely are interested. This has two beneficial effects: it stops your mind obsessing about you, your performance and how other people might be judging you, while also forging real connections with people that will give them a very positive impression indeed.

@AmanitaRubescens

I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference

Please stop.

No. As I’ve said before, rigorously on work time via work comms, email and work phones. I felt awful when I read PP eughing at my comment but the fact that 2 ex colleagues and one current have messaged me this weekend suggests I’ve got the balance right.

Ugh comments like “ We are all nice/not scary, I swear!” are SO patronising and insensitive. It just deepens the “you” and “us” barrier even further. Honestly OP there is nothing wrong with being introverted, they’re the knob heads for not understanding that other people have different wants and needs. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling comfortable being particularly social at work - it’s not for everyone. And anyway, it’s going to be difficult for you to become comfortable when they are making it clear that they don’t feel you’ve fit in enough!
They don’t seem like a great team for you to work with but don’t worry. Accept that you’re not a good social fit but that doesn’t mean you can’t get on with your job and make the most of that. Learn what you can from the role, gain some experience then move on.

It would be helpful for you to work on your confidence though for the future. Do something like join a book club or a speakers club outside of work - something that requires you to speak in groups. This will give you more confidence in group settings.

Concentrate on job role, any kpis, etc. Thats what you are judged on

Are you 100% sure they are disappointed in you or has that entirely come from you?

Look at it a different way - they are a chatty, sociable team who prides themselves on being welcoming. A new staff member arrives who seems quite quiet.

They are going out of their way as a welcoming group to reach out and make sure she finds her way into their social groups as they don't want to be cliquey, say hello, make sure she is in the Whatsapp chat especially as no-one goes into the office much.

I would agree with a PP that you have automatic negative thoughts - I speak as a shy person who would have reacted much as you have.

A bit of CBT online would help you look at how you react, you can still be introverted and shy if you want to be! Just without the anxiety which is much better.

If behaving like a performing seal was more important to this outfit than your ability to do the actual job, then they should have signalled it in the ad in some way.

Even “team player” would have set me running as if from Bubonic Plague.

I do think the occasional contribution to their tedious chat groups and what not would probably be expedient. And goes without saying, attendance at the Xmas bash is a must.

But otherwise, get them tae fuck.

Ive not read the full thread so maybe someone has already mentioned this.
As an extrovert turned introvert myself, I know you are usually just one and that's probably the extrovert but I've found ive become more shy and second guessing meeting and chatting to new people over the years. It sounds like your colleagues know you are an introvert and may be struggling to make new friends so they are giving you openings to help you join in.
It is up to you whether you want to take them up on that offer, but it is very nice of them to offer so I would see this as a good thing.
They seem to like you and have respect too.
At this point, I'm not trying to say you are, but sometimes being shy and an introvert, some people project stand offish behaviour. As long as you aren't doing that, take your time, being involved etc will come to you. It takes some people longer to feel comfortable and warm up to people than others. There is nothing wrong with this.
I find "working" with 1 person at a time helps. So I would start off trying to be friendly with one, then slowly slowly widening the circle. That way it is not too much and your working at a comfortable stride.

** I don't think they sound overbearing. I think they sound like people trying very hard to make sure that your reticence isn't because they haven't welcomed you enough.

The examples you offer as evidence of their disappointment just don't read like that to me. Saying nice things about another candidate isn't a criticism of you.**

^This

@ArranMumma
May be it comes across as us and you but I think tbh they are just addressing the us collective as in they are not new vs you the new girl.
It's always hard being the new kid on the block when the rest of the group may have known each other for a long time.
Sometimes you have bitchy clique that don't want you to join in so they are showing they would like her to join and they should not be feared.
Obviously everyone sees things differently, I do tend to see positives so might just be me.