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Original poster

To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

135 replies

theshyone · 09/10/2021 22:41

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

  • You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
  • We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
  • I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
  • A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
  • My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

OP posts:
myadhdusername · 09/10/2021 23:34

I don’t think being shy is something you get over surely? It’s a part of someone personality. Just like someone would find it difficult to stop being funny or arrogant?

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 23:40

That’s the reality. Finding a metier and workplace that’s the right fit for you is key to job satisfaction.

If this company is sociable and team-focused, no amount of platitudes are going to make this work if she’s not willing to adapt.

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 23:43

Of course people get over shyness. Some people are really shy as kids or teens and then open up as they get older. Or they’re shy in their 20s but by their 30s they’re much more relaxed.

Some people are shy initially with new people and then it goes.

CaptaNoctem · 09/10/2021 23:45

@TatianaBis

People who aren’t good socially tend to call bogstandard socialising enforced jolity.

It’s obviously a sociable workplace and maybe not the job for you OP.

You ask want to do - just go out for lunch/drinks. You can’t get over shyness if you don’t try.

Shyness is not the same as introversion

Many people including extroverts hate enforced socialisation.

You have my sympathy OP. I’d be struggling too.

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 23:52

I think introversion/extroversion axis is a false dichotomy.

Many people are varying mixtures of shy/introvert/extrovert.

Not really sure what enforced socialisation is - it sounds like a Pavlovian experiment. I certainly wouldn’t count invites for drinks or lunch from new workmates.

Graphista · 09/10/2021 23:52

@TatianaBis your stance seems to be that all the introverts and even socially anxious people in the world just need to "pull themselves together" and behave like extroverts! Why?

Introverts have as much right to exist and have jobs as extroverts!

In addition if it is extreme social anxiety then that is classed as a disability and at least in the Uk employers have to make reasonable adjustments for those

What a narrow minded and unsympathetic perspective you have on this!

Shyness, introversion and social anxiety are not all the same thing!

sadie9 · 09/10/2021 23:52

Why do you only go into the office once a week?
I think you are being very very hard on yourself.
It's difficult to get to know people going in just once a week!
Whatsapp groups are tricky to negotiate with people one knows very well, let alone with new work colleagues, some of whom worked together before you came.
I suspect you are reading too much into what they are saying and thinking it applies to something 'bad' about you.
If you want to participate in the Whatsapp groups more then just ask simple questions.
If you are new and only in the office once a week it's going to be bloody hard to get to know people. You may have to attend a few more face to face things in order to thaw out a bit.
You've only had the job 5 weeks or something, give yourself a chance!

hellywelly3 · 09/10/2021 23:52

Just be honest with them. Start by writing something in the group chat like “Thanks for making me feel so welcome since I started. Sorry if I don’t make it to social events straight away I’m a little shy and it takes me a while to feel comfortable to enjoy these. I do appreciate you asking me though. Thanks again”

Mydogmylife · 09/10/2021 23:52

@TatianaBis

People who aren’t good socially tend to call bogstandard socialising enforced jolity.

It’s obviously a sociable workplace and maybe not the job for you OP.

You ask want to do - just go out for lunch/drinks. You can’t get over shyness if you don’t try.

Mmmm - no. You should never be made to feel 'forced' into works socialisation , everyone is different . Being pushed to behave against your nature in this way is unacceptable
Keepitonthedownlow · 09/10/2021 23:54

It's very early days, just tell them you take time to get to know people. It all sounds a bit forced and unnatural to me tbh.

TatianaBis · 09/10/2021 23:55

No-one forced her to do anything. They asked.

The new workmates who invited OP don’t know she’s “being pushed to behave against her nature”. To them it’s just a beer.

maddening · 09/10/2021 23:59

I doubt that they are disappointed in you, they just don't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Wife2b · 10/10/2021 00:02

I’m totally an introvert and can handle social interaction for a short time but I wouldn’t have any issue with this, sounds to me like they’re being really welcoming and want you to feel included. Engage on your own terms but I wouldn’t overthink comments like not scary etc. Sounds like your colleagues are really nice!

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 10/10/2021 00:41

Omg it’s only October, your still a newbie, even more outgoing people would still be finding their feet. I think you should point this out to your manager and also point out that under normal circumstances you would have probably been office based and had the opportunity to get to know people better. It’s not the same when you don’t work with people day to day. Your learning a new job and need to do things at a pace you can manage, including getting to know your teammates.

My DH changed jobs during lockdown, he’s 100% home based, never met anyone from work. He’s an introvert so definitely suits him on a social level, but as a business they really went out of the way to arrange one on one virtual coffee catch ups and meetings with each member of the team. He works for a notoriously social company but they have never put pressure on him.

Since moving with DHs new job I’ve joined some school chat groups for my DCs new school. I’m a natural extrovert and even I struggle, I don’t want to seem intrusive on conversations I know nothing about or too pushy. I’ve found when I meet the parents in person it’s so much easier, but even then it depends how comfortable I am with them.

I’d also point out that if they are so brilliant then they would respect it can take some people longer to warm up to others and just because your not as social as them dose not mean your any less than them.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 10/10/2021 00:53

I forgot to add, maybe to feel like your more open to them, you could ask for help on things, even if you don’t really need it. Maybe ask a random question or something to get a conversation going that you have initiated.

You could always make a joke too, Halloween is coming so maybe get some fake vampire teeth and say I know you don’t bite but I do🧛‍♀️. Once you have the ball rolling just say, it takes you time to be comfortable with people but your worth the wait lol

TiddyTidTwo · 10/10/2021 00:57

Your workplace sounds like an introverts nightmare OP. However, the world hasn't caught up yet so you will have to fake it a bit for the time being...

One day, maybe Wink

1forAll74 · 10/10/2021 01:17

Is it not possible to be able to go to work these days, if you are doing your job well, but are a quiet and a rather shy person. There are lots of quiet and reserved people in jobs. who are not remotely interested in these whatsapp group things, and all the office chattering classes.

Maybe it's a given rule in some modern work places, that you have to join in with what everyone else does. In which case, it sounds a bit naff.

DrWhoNowww · 10/10/2021 01:35

If you moved end of September you’ve been there max two weeks?

So have potentially met these people twice?

It does seem quite full on but if everyone’s wfh it can get quite isolating as a new person so they maybe just think they’re doing the right thing to include you (or at least definitely not exclude you)

Is there the opportunity to go into the office more often to meet people on a more 1-1 basis?

mij66 · 10/10/2021 01:53

As someone who spent a lot of years in the exact same position, just make sure your not pressuring yourself, while it sounds like some of this crosses the line a bit, I know I used to get really annoyed at mysef for not being able to be more confident and it made me view everything through a lense of critisism becaue I was so critical of myself, even though it may have been intended in a supportive way. Not saying thats whats happening here but just something worth considering.

immersivereader · 10/10/2021 02:05

If you only have to go into the office once a week can't you contribute most of your socialising then? Is that not enough for them all?

I think you have the opposite problem to me op, I've recently started a new job and people aren't sociable enough! And it's all online too.. So even more complicated

Marvellousmadness · 10/10/2021 02:23

Don't ever feel like you should be more extraverted when you are a natural introvert. That is who you are. And that is when you feel calmest and happiest.

Just tell your manager that . And your colleagues. They'd understand. And if not than that is on them not you. I love introverts. And extraverts. You need all sorts of personalities to make a balanced team.

chatw0o0 · 10/10/2021 02:26

You've worked there for what, 4-5 weeks? Please cut yourself some slack!

WhatsApp group - send an emoji every now and again, or ignore it. Work communications will be done via Teams (or whatever collaboration team your organisation uses) and you're under no obligation to join in with any after hours chat.

if you're in the office only once a week, how are you supposed to socialise on the other four days? Go for lunch or coffee on the day you're in the office, but again, outside of that, there's no oblgation.

It's difficult I know. I have only figured most of this stuff out since I reached by 40s and started to give less of a shit. Definitely in my 20s I would have felt bad about it, and indeed was tasked to be more 'gregarious' by a line manager back in my early 20s. We're all different, everyone brings something to the workplace and it's not fair to expect conformity via forced socialisation. Be your own person, make some small concessions but only ones you're happy with.

doubleshotcappuccino · 10/10/2021 02:35

Try to practice some questions do you can slowly have pre- rehearsed ways to enter and exit a conversation.. you would be surprised how common it is to feel anxious with both of these but once people get in the swing ! Remember: who ? What? Why ? Where? These are good conversation openers and also push the focus on the other person not you .. every month set yourself one challlenge .. don't get overwhelmed .. practice slowly so , for example, you're going to set yourself a weekly target of dropping a comment in the what's app group 3 times a week. Perhaps at the end
Of the week .. a " have a lovely weekend all " so you are exiting ok a positive.
When you meet face to face practice the entering and exiting convos again with the open questions.. arrive a little earlier so you don't have to walk up to a crowded group.. keep busy .. order a round of drinks or offer to help if st someone's house -- by chipping away slowly you will start to build up confidence . This will help you whatever your job and wherever you go

Coffeetree · 10/10/2021 02:38

A bit of joining in is a professional skill that would be good to develop. So send the occasional emoji or GIF on the group chat, and join in (or even organise) a lunch every month or so.

They sound overbearing and you're right to feel reserved. In my experience, workplaces with loads of socialising are also full of drama. Just smile and crack on with your work.

LinoVentura · 10/10/2021 02:53

'You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group'

These people need to get a life. Fortunately you don't.