To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

[theshyone]

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

• You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
• We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
• I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
• A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
• My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

If they're British then yes some of them will feel very uncomfortable that you don't have an alcohol problem and will spend time trying to pressure you into drinking. Obviously succumbing to that pressure is a very bad idea.

Have you had any help with your social anxiety? It sounds like more than just shyness if you’re having issues responding to WhatsApp messages

It sounds to me like a sign of intelligence and/or having a life.

I find groups a bit intimidating until I know them all well. Can you make an effort with one of them , one on one first, would that be less of a struggle? Then you can probably feel more at ease because you know at least one of them well , in any occasional group situation. That works for me. I have found when contracting, that in your age range , teams socialise together a lot & it doesn't go down well if you don't go along now & again. Annoying though it is, as we are not all social butterflies

@AmanitaRubescens

I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference

Please stop.

naaaaah, don't listen to her. I don't want dour silent colleagues - I assume from what you've written that you're in academia? I'm also in a job that is enhanced by sharing ideas, communicating and building relationships for collaboration. I love colleagues like you. Lots of people love colleagues like you, in all sorts of different jobs - kind, fun, bringing energy. I've read a hundred posts on here by people who are sad at being 'left out' of social things, whether at work, by the dreaded and much-maligned 'school mums', family and friends etc. And here are a plethora of posters complaining bitterly about the OP being welcomed by an overly sociable team. I feel for OP as she's shy and needs a bit of space . . . . but some of you posters seem to wish death on work colleagues for a mere 'hello, how was your weekend', I have a mental image of some of you with a face like a cat's bum when someone accidentally smiles at you in the lift. OP, I am sorry that you feel sad and anxious. I suspect that your colleagues are not giving it much thought, honestly. Would it help to connect a bit one to one, before doing a whole group thing? Like a quick coffee with one colleague that could be partly about work but you could ask one or two more personal questions after you'd finished on the work stuff? Do that with a couple of colleagues and see how you feel afterwards?

If it was my manager "raising" this with me as an issue I would be asking her exactly what is wrong with my work. You know, the thing you're supposed to be there for. Half of the UK is falling apart because there is too much interest in workers' social relationships rather than doing their jobs.

@Sparklybanana

You need to show them the Ted talk about the power of the introvert by Susan cain. I empathise with you. I'm not comfortable in a room full of people but feel so much pressure to be "normal". Just because I'm quiet, doesn't mean I'm not OK.

We're not scary? You're not scary- they don't need to be afraid because you don't spend all your time talking.

Yes this!!! It's a great TedTalk Don't be ashamed that you're quiet. Just be yourself and smile. They'll calm down in time I'm sure.

If they're British then yes some of them will feel very uncomfortable that you don't have an alcohol problem and will spend time trying to pressure you into drinking.

Why is this rather tacky Brit-bashing so accepted on Mumsnet? People would (rightly) have a fit if we stereotyped Italians, Spaniards or any other nationality in this way. Yet apparently a universal dig at the British is acceptable.

Ugh it sounds suffocating and they all sound judgemental and overbearing.

It's a job, you're there because you need money, not for a fooking larf

As for drinking.. just.. what. 1. If that's in work hours surely it's illegal? 2. If it's outside work hours then that's toxic, no one should be forced to spend their own private time interacting with work in any way.

I really feel for you OP. It's shitty to be made to feel the odd one out. They are U not you. You sound lovely

Why is this rather tacky Brit-bashing so accepted on Mumsnet? People would (rightly) have a fit if we stereotyped Italians, Spaniards or any other nationality in this way. Yet apparently a universal dig at the British is acceptable.

I'm British myself (despite my username, I'm not actually a dead French actor) and I lived there for 47 years. I stand by my post.

@SoundBar why would drinking in work hours be illegal?!