To feel sad that I can sense that my new colleagues are disappointed in me :(

[theshyone]

I started a new job at the start of September, I work from home most of the time and go into the office once a week.

I'm mid 20s and very shy and quiet. It's something I have tried and tried to get over at university and previous jobs. It is really hard for me, I naturally keep myself to myself.

I have had a few comments from colleagues and I can just tell that they are disappointed that I have been shy, and I feel really sad and anxious about it. I'm worried my manager is going to formally bring it up with me. I'm in a team of 8 and they are all really nice and welcoming and I have a lot in common with them. From my first day, I have been included and was added to their private group chats and Whats App groups and have invites for drinks and lunch etc and I have just found it a little overbearing, I need to time to warm up to people. I hate it about myself and it has caused me so much pain and loneliness throughout my life.

The kind of comments I have had are:

• You should write more/participate more in our Whats App group
• We are all nice/not scary, I swear!
• I have also had several people say how many people want to work in our small team and how it's such a great team to work within (something I agree with, but it feels like a dig)
• A position in our team is open for a role different to mine and some of the group have been sitting in interviews, they were discussing an applicant's interview and saying how they were impressed that the candidate asked about social events and how important that is for them...
• My manager also asks me in every 1:1 whether I have been reaching out and chatting with colleagues

Please help me navigate this, I obviously need to change but I don't know how

Ok, as a manager myself. You need to get over any insecurities you have and put your big girl pants on and 'pretend' you give a shit. Otherwise you'll be on the sideline for too long and become way to bitter to deal with real life

I'd just be honest. Just say it takes a little bit for you settle in and feel comfortable with people. Acknowledge they're a lovely welcoming group and you're looking forward to get to know everyone better.

@questionforyouguys

Ok, as a manager myself. You need to get over any insecurities you have and put your big girl pants on and 'pretend' you give a shit. Otherwise you'll be on the sideline for too long and become way to bitter to deal with real life

WTF? So glad you aren't my manager! Who says he doesn't give a shit, and why would she become bitter?

There is so need to socialise outside of work with colleagues in my world and it certainly wouldn't be something a normal manager would push on the team.

You don’t get paid for social events (presumably) and you don’t get paid to WhatsApp about work out of hours unless that was part of your contract and they have provided you with a work phone.

Get to know your coworkers at your own pace. Presumably you were hired on your merits not for your potential party skills. If they try and sack you for not being social with them then take them to a tribunal.

The only reason this might be important is if your job is public facing or you need to win clients (picturing Mad Men in my head)

Just telling people to get over stuff (social anxiety is a real condition) never helped anyone tbf

Managers should be good at developing people and harnessing their potential.

While I think @questionforyouguys was a little harsh, there are very few jobs which are purely technical and you can just get your head down, stay in your lane and expect progression. Most jobs have a collaborative aspect /require communication skills and it sounds like the OP is in a multi disciplinary team. If the OP is the only predominantly home based employee (unclear) so isn't involved in real time conversations in the office and also doesn't want to get involved in offline chats, there is a big risk of getting sidelined.

I worked as part of an international team for 8 years as only employee in country - rest of team all in UK (7-8 hour time difference). While my core work was somewhat independent of theirs, I did have to work hard to stay in the loop and not just rely on official channels like Teams etc. It was actually easier when covid hit and everyone worked from home than when they were all together and I was separate.

I guess what I'm saying is that the OP shouldn't feel obliged to socialise but that that choice probably wont be without consequences. It's possible this job is just not a good fit. I think most of us have probably had jobs like that.

The emptiness vessel makes the loudest noise.
Do your job well and just put the odd comment on the whatapp group.

I think you are projecting your own worries about being too shy and quiet onto them.

^This. Encouraging you to join in is not at all the same as being disappointed in you! They must like you - otherwise they wouldn't be wanting you to be more social with you. You'll feel more comfortable with them as you settle in, but.you shouldn't have to try and be someone you're not.

I'm not a shy person but this sounds overbearing and I would hate it - this team is great...for one type of person. Other personalities should be accepted for it to be genuinely good.

Have you had any help with your social anxiety? It sounds like more than just shyness if you’re having issues responding to WhatsApp messages

I don't think they sound overbearing. I think they sound like people trying very hard to make sure that your reticence isn't because they haven't welcomed you enough.

The examples you offer as evidence of their disappointment just don't read like that to me. Saying nice things about another candidate isn't a criticism of you.

I think there's a flurry of activity to make you feel welcome and included, particularly as you wfh. It will settle down as people begin to realise that you are naturally introverted and not just overwhelmed by a new job. As long as you do your job well and remain professional and polite, nobody will care that you're not active on WhatsApp and don't attend the socials in a few weeks.

But if you'd like to be a bit more involved, as pp have said, it's about gradually dipping your toe in as much as you feel able to, getting to know the team individually first.

I agree that them trying to include you isn’t the same as them being disappointed in you. It’s then trying to be kind and welcoming. Just explain that you can feel a bit shy but thanks for wanting to include you. Then join in as much as you want. It sounds like you’re more disappointed in yourself for feeling shy.

they shouldn't have to point out that they are not Scary imo
they should make you feel welcome and let you make any moves yourself.
they are colleagues.
they dont have to be friends.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I love my job and colleagues and am probably one of the annoying ones WhatsApping posting, chatting, ‘op have you read this paper, are you going to the xx conference.” Yes, you probably are. Enforced jollity makes me cringe.

Thanks 😬 Which is why I continued it has to be on work phones. If it’s the culture of the place and it’s on work time on work phones there’s an element of fake it til you make it or accept that the company culture isn’t a good fit. Hopefully I’m not making my colleagues cringe (that hurt!) Over the last 48 hrs I’ve had messages not on my work phone from 2 ex colleagues on sm arranging social stuff and a phone call from a current recently bereaved colleague. I’m rigorous that work related stuff is done in work time and swapping or not swapping personal details is optional and to be done with caution. I’m currently preparing jolly ice breakers for a christmas event I’m arranging in work time and fully funded. Boundaries are so important.

@Powertoyou

The emptiness vessel makes the loudest noise. Do your job well and just put the odd comment on the whatapp group.

This. I'd try and make polite chit chat every now and again. Maybe ask the person sat next to you what they are up to at the weekend. But you're paid to work, it's not your life.

And just write something like, have a nice weekend all on the group chat if you think that will help. But unless it's in your job description to socialise and WhatsApp you can just ignore it all. Up to you how you want to handle it really.

Are you me? This is exactly how I am and I hate it. All the feedback I get in my appraisals are that I need to chat more and be more friendly but it's just not in my nature. It makes me feel I want to just hand my notice in and run away.

@theshyone I joined a new team earlier in the year and my manager asked me at every supervision how I was getting on with the team, was I getting enough support etc

I think some companies worry about duty of care when staff are primarily at home. It's harder to get to know new staff and for them to get to know other people.

You won't necessarily pick up as quickly if someone is really stressed or struggling with tasks or the general workload.

So it could be that, or they're just a very sociable team/company which can be hard to cope with if you're not.

I don't think people are judging you or disappointed in you from the sound of it but they might be worried you could be a bit isolated at home if you aren't in touch with colleagues.

"Hopefully I’m not making my colleagues cringe (that hurt!)"

Don't doubt yourself. Some people think anything jolly is enforced because they can't understand that some people enjoy it - so genuinely jolly, and not enforced! As long as you arrange things, or try to include people, but don't take offence if some people aren't interested, then you're doing fine.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

"Hopefully I’m not making my colleagues cringe (that hurt!)"

Don't doubt yourself. Some people think anything jolly is enforced because they can't understand that some people enjoy it - so genuinely jolly, and not enforced! As long as you arrange things, or try to include people, but don't take offence if some people aren't interested, then you're doing fine.

Thanks @fourminutestosavetheworld It’s a real dilemma in HR/ Wellbeing. Being inclusive and ‘offering but not enforcing’ support and companionship. I do think that boundaries (work phone and team building and jollies on work time) are essential.

I am an extrovert but I decline work WhatsApp groups, partly because I hate relentless group messaging but also because for me it blurs the boundaries between work and home. Im not at work to make friends, I’m at work to make money and I need a healthy work life balance.

However, as a manager I do expect new staff to use their induction to meet with key colleagues and I wonder if this is what your manager means by “have you been reaching out”. Could you arrange 1:1 zooms to catch up with your colleagues and understand their roles etc?

Hmmm.

Just in terms of your manager’s questions- Might there be an element of the company trying to meet their duty of care to staff working remotely (around loneliness, isolation and mental health), but they’ve just gone a bit far the other way?

I ask this because through the pandemic I was managing a remote team and the isolation of lockdowns etc was really difficult for a few members of my team who lived alone, as we were 100% remote working they weren’t getting ANY human interaction IRL and I did ask my team questions like “have you spoken to anyone other than me this week? I can see you haven’t been in the group office chat- that’s fine but let me know if you’d prefer a team Skype at any point to touch in”. it was, I felt, part of my duty as their line manager, particularly when I could see some people were struggling.

I appreciate we’re not in lockdown any more, but if you’re working remotely it could just be “style” they’ve fallen into and haven’t yet recalibrated.

I think we all have tendencies to notice (or be on high alert) for people saying things that ‘confirm’ the things that we already perceive to be true about ourselves. We’re concious of it already, so if someone says something fairly innocuous way then we interpert in a way that confirms the bias we already have in ourselves.

Im not saying that none of these things that have been said arent true, im just saying maybe you’re overly putting meaning on what you think people are saying about you- particularly the one about it being a nice place to work.

Also unless you were a wildly different person in the interview, they employed you because they thought you could do the job and fit in as you were! So trust that.
Not everyone in a team has to be extraverted and sociable. They obviously saw in you something they liked!! Different people have different qualities, so lean into yours! And dont feel like you need to try to be someone your not.

Shy and quiet often (but not always) equals thoughtful, empathetic, observant etc
Look into what that means for you and celebrate how you can bring those traits that are uniquely you to the role and team in your own gentle way.

Op i promise you are great as you are. So relax! ☺️ There is nothing wrong with being shy and quiet! I would google ‘being a introvert’ and get to understand all the exciting things that personality type is and start to look it as a strength rather than something you need to fix.

As long as you are polite, do your job and communicate within the remit of what your job actually needs ie if people need to know a certain bit of data or if something is/ isnt happening etc that’s enough!

And if it isnt and you do decide you need to move on, you will know better next time when you go for a job what environment you are looking for that will suit you.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I don't think they sound overbearing. I think they sound like people trying very hard to make sure that your reticence isn't because they haven't welcomed you enough.

The examples you offer as evidence of their disappointment just don't read like that to me. Saying nice things about another candidate isn't a criticism of you.

I think there's a flurry of activity to make you feel welcome and included, particularly as you wfh. It will settle down as people begin to realise that you are naturally introverted and not just overwhelmed by a new job. As long as you do your job well and remain professional and polite, nobody will care that you're not active on WhatsApp and don't attend the socials in a few weeks.

But if you'd like to be a bit more involved, as pp have said, it's about gradually dipping your toe in as much as you feel able to, getting to know the team individually first.

This is perfect advice.

OP you said this causes you pain and loneliness. So looking on the bright side, you're now part of a group of nice welcoming people. Here is a chance to develop the social skills you want to have. Be brave and set yourself small joining in tasks. You can do it.