Page 13 | Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

Notaroadrunner · 09/10/2021 17:37

How can other people think you are being unreasonable once you tell them you never got a wedding gift from this person? I wouldn't give them anything. Tell them to spend the £1000 they promised you on a gift for themselves instead.

HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 17:45

@Notaroadrunner

How can other people think you are being unreasonable once you tell them you never got a wedding gift from this person? I wouldn't give them anything. Tell them to spend the £1000 they promised you on a gift for themselves instead.

Because the gift was of the OP's choosing and she never articulated what she wanted in a way that didn't rely on mindreading and picking up hints.

HarrisonStickle · 09/10/2021 17:49

my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing

This being the case, why didn't you offer the other person something?

CheltenhamLady · 09/10/2021 17:53

Who is this person OP? How close a relative?

Notaroadrunner · 09/10/2021 17:56

@HarrisonStickle

my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing

This being the case, why didn't you offer the other person something?

Good idea. Tell them you intend on spending £1000 on a gift for them and when they tell you what they want just tell them to buy it themselves and you will buy your own gift from them.

BoredZelda · 09/10/2021 18:13

Then you need to let it go. They do seem to be being a little odd about it but they have offered you the money. You need to either ask instead of hinting or just forget about it and don't take revenge for it by not buying them a gift.

Nope. Putting the onus on someone to come asking for money at a later date is a shitty thing to do. How many times have you seen posts here about people who don’t like asking for even small amounts of money they are owed. The person who borrowed it is always called a CF for not offering to pay up. I remember one about someone who pocketed some change and the OP didn’t feel like they could ask for it back. Very few people blamed her for not asking, it was all about the CF who had the money but didn’t pay. This is no different. I agree with OP that these are people who had no intention of paying up. Especially as they have apparently told everyone else how generous they were but have never once raised it with the OP. If they really wanted to pay for something they would have brought it up properly in the 2 years since.

butterpuffed · 09/10/2021 18:24

[quote Henryhoover12]@bigbaggyeyes we do say that, but like I’ve explained my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing. So the fact that they’ve even offered with yet actually giving it to us is enough for them to be seen as very generous. Which as you can imagine person x is loving[/quote]
That's crazy. Do the whole family do this then for Christmas and birthdays ? I may suggest it to my own , it'll be so much cheaper !

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 18:27

I don’t know why you haven’t exploded every single time other people comment on this person’s “generosity”. I liken it to them being an ego CF. There never was £1000 for you. They just wanted the kudos. You’re allowing them to get it by continuing with the charade. Just call it. “You mean the £1000 that never was? Don’t make me laugh. He’s the first to bring it up to make himself look good, but he’s never going to put his money where his mouth is. I bet he’s the first to disappear off to the loo when it’s his round, too.”

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 18:28

[quote Henryhoover12]@bigbaggyeyes we do say that, but like I’ve explained my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing. So the fact that they’ve even offered with yet actually giving it to us is enough for them to be seen as very generous. Which as you can imagine person x is loving[/quote]
Can you not just reverse this, & keep trumpeting about your own generosity to the newlyweds?

"Yes, we've offered them a thousand pounds, because it's important to us that we are just as generous to them as they were to us."

"Oh no, they haven't bought us anything. But we really appreciate the offer of £1000, which is why that's what we're offering them for their own wedding."

Just make sure you always say "offer" & never "give", & you will get clean away with it.

At this point, I don't know how you can resist having immense fun with it - it's too ridiculous to keep being upset about.

myadhdusername · 09/10/2021 18:49

I haaaaaaaaaate people who do this with gifts. It’s so much more embarrassing than not giving a gift.

‘I left your gift at home’
‘It’s on its way’

Just NO!

Eilatan2018 · 09/10/2021 19:02

@Henryhoover12

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

How awkward! Why not just give you the £1k on the wedding day and say ‘get yourself something!’ To leave it to you to ask is really awkward!! Not sure I would have not given them anything, maybe would have taken a bottle of champagne or something? It’s never going to be the same as 1k though!

I’d feel the same as you.. it’s just weird!

bigbaggyeyes · 09/10/2021 19:12

Can't you then offer them a £1000 towards a gift?

If they then ask you directly to contribute towards it, just tell them to 'take the money from the gift they are giving to you'

thing47 · 09/10/2021 19:19

The offer of a gift doesn't mean jack. In fact, worse than jack because it enables the person making the offer to get all the praise without ever having to actually give the gift!

OP, really just tell everyone that you have offered the family member a gift to precisely the same value as they gave you. Job done.

Original poster

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 19:25

Yes we are now also offering the same gift to them. I will take the approach with my family that sorry there has been confusion we haven’t not got them a gift we just wanted to tell them privately about the gift but since your all concerned we are matching their very generous gift they offered us.

Also someone mentioned why we haven’t had fun with this before and I think it’s because on some level we are kind of upset, this is a close relative who at the end of the day has not got us a wedding gift. Even something small but sentimental would of meant the world to me, but yet it feels we’ve been mocked with a carrot dangled before us for 2 years

OP posts:

MzHz · 09/10/2021 19:37

Worse @Henryhoover12 they have been dining out on how fucking generous they are when actually they totally stiffed you.

Well played on this.

drpet49 · 09/10/2021 20:42

* They are the ones in the wrong here. I hate people who publicly promise stuff like help with kids, money or gifts and then expect you go cap in hand for it, knowing full well you won't.*

^I agree

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 20:48

@Werehamster

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.

I love this.

Cryalot2 · 09/10/2021 21:10

Ok 2 years have elapsed.
If your family and friends think you have received this tell the one who promised to clear things and put on your family chat/group. If they don't do it yourself. Then accept the fact you are not going to get it. Draw a line and move on
That said I personally would never go to a wedding without a decent gift. It doesn't matter if they bought me or not.
On a different matter I tend to be v generous with gifts. I spent a fair bit on dh, yet last week I got v little. He meant well but it didn't work out. So I had a cry and accepted it. I don't need to get like for like.
I certainly don't need anything now, and another person whom I got a beautiful present didn’t bother either.
Thats life. I know it's not the same amount

QueenBee52 · 09/10/2021 22:49

@Henryhoover12

hahahaaa Brilliant

They Gifted NOTHING ... they received NOTHING ... 🤣😂

Karma 🌸

AhNowTed · 10/10/2021 07:45

"we are matching their very generous gift they offered us. "

Make sure to emphasise the "offered", not "gave".

Well played OP.

vajingleberry · 10/10/2021 09:58

[quote Henryhoover12]@treesandweeds I assure you it is talked about a lot because it is considered very generous thing for them to do and how lucky I am to have that family member in my life etc etc.[/quote]
Christ almighty. Why, just why aren't you saying that you have never received this money?

Relative: "Oh my gosh, how lucky are you that XXX gave you £1000 as a wedding gift"

HenryHoover: "I have no idea what you are talking about. They have never given us a penny"

Relative: "But....but....they said...."

HenryHoover: "Well they are lying. They have never given us any money"

What's so complicated about that?
What are you actually doing/saying when everyone is fawning over how generous this relative is?

my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing

So tell them that you will be giving them all a million pounds for Christmas? Surely no-one actually thinks like this. Did you get birthday presents as a child? Do you all sit around on birthdays staring blankly at each other?

YouTubeAddict · 10/10/2021 10:05

Are you just quietly fuming and letting them get away with it? If you are then next time they say anything about it in front of the family say ‘fab, we’ve decide we want Can you transfer us the money please?’

Wait for the awkward silence…

Even if you never get the money at least everyone will know and hopefully the bragging will stop.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 10/10/2021 10:58

Awful position they put you in OP. I do not believe there ever was an intention to gift you anything at all. Now they want their ego massaging well they can do one! I have met numerous people in my life like this over the years all talk no action all of them.Yet they are the first to take, You are right to feel hurt as they have played a right nasty trick on you and also involved others to try and turn against you all because they are billy big bollocks and dont know when to keep their gob shut. I would launch them straight out of yout lives, you don;t need this. You have nothing to thank them for other than stress and hurt bought upon you by them ...I really believe they never had any intention at all so whats good for the goose and all that...You are right you shouldnt ever have to explain yourself they have done this not you and they should be ashamed but I bet you they aren;t.

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 12:56

Also someone mentioned why we haven’t had fun with this before and I think it’s because on some level we are kind of upset, this is a close relative who at the end of the day has not got us a wedding gift. Even something small but sentimental would of meant the world to me, but yet it feels we’ve been mocked with a carrot dangled before us for 2 years

Yes, your relative abused the social contract & seemed to have relished taking the piss, & your discomfort. Of course you felt upset.
All the more reason to consciously adjust your mindset, & decide to start having fun with this. You could keep it going for decades - think how perfect your routine will be after all that practice!

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2021 13:57

They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it”

I think they’re taking the piss with that statement. Telling them you’re buying a new cooker etc then them saying nothing is very clearly them having zero intention of spending the money. I’d give them nothing for their wedding. Tell them to use the £1K they never got you.