Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

[Henryhoover12]

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

[quote Henryhoover12]@MiddleClassProblem maybe your struggling to read the whole thread and love to jump to conclusions. I have repeatedly said it’s a close member of family so us sitting together on our computers online shopping isn’t out of the ordinary 🤣 your the one saying I should demand they pay for it there and then but I’ve said I never have demanded for them paying explicitly because what if there financial situation has changed (which after an expensive wedding could be the case) Whilst it potentially has changed and they no longer intend of gifting the gift then they should stop bragging about it still surely ?

Gosh would hate to have Christmas in your family, everyone down on their knees begging for gifts that’s have been offered to them or demanding they get their online banking up.[/quote]
Yeah, I never said demand, that’s your word. I wouldn’t do what they did nor does anyone beg. I said you expected it in the last post where it seems like that was the only opportunity you got close to asking them for an item. Like if I was going to happen it would have been then. That’s from your own words:

“I had selected which one I wanted went to pay and looked at them in which they just stared blankly. I payed for it myself and when it arrived they said “oh I was meant to get you a fridge/oven I would of got that for you”. There was nothing to stop them from getting that for me apart from them reaching their hand in their pocket to get their money”

You keep using beg and demand. You seem to have some weird power balance.

You have made it sound like this was in a group situation so yeah I find that odd.

Personally I like buying gifts and don’t measure them against anything I get or don’t get. Christmas at my house is bloody lovely with no weird competitive gift giving or passive aggressive non giving.

Because you are now fictionalise about the way I do things and the continual dramatic language and slight nips and tucks each time you tell the story I can see why there is an issue.

FYI, staring at someone when you are shopping to drop a hint isn’t clear. Deciding to buying it there and then and not taking the opportunity to speak to them one on one isn’t clear, even if that one on one convo wasn’t asking.

@Bananarama21

The fact you couldn't pop 20 quid or a nice bottle of wine is petty.

Your suggestion is petty. £20?! I'd rather nothing

Why don't your other close family members not believe you when you say other close family members (sibling / cousins ) DID NOT buy me / give me a wedding present/ £1000.
Not giving them a 'token' wedding present was passive aggressive.
I can understand why you didn't.
But it would have been nicer to say ti close family member. 'Look as we've not actually had a present from yourself fir our wedding and you're getting married - instead of us getting you a present, shall we just not get you a present and call it quits ?

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@HarrisonStickle

Whhaattttt??? So not only does she have to ASK for her own gift, she has to navigate when it might be convenient to bring it up, without inconveniencing the gifter.
Just give the gift (in cheque or cash or voucher form) or don’t! You can’t expect people to do a little performance for you to receive their own gift.[/quote]
No, she just has to tell the person the specific thing she'd like as a gift, not be in the middle of ordering something online then just look at the person and expect them to know!

The person later on clicks and says, oh I could have got this, but at the time OP remains silent and expects the other person to know what she's thinking.

Completely nuts.

OP I don't think anyone on this thread will ever know if it's a communication issue or they never intended to give the gift at all, because no one is there to see how these "hints" have played out in reality. From what you've said I suspect you're right in that they never planned to give it to you but you probably could have handled this better to bring it to a close far sooner than 2 years.

What I'm really intrigued by is the dynamic with the wider family. You say they are boasting about their gift, when you bought something new eg oven, other family members are saying "oh is that what X got you?" At this point, do you not say "no, we haven't received the present yet". When they are going on about it their own generosity, have you not had any opportunity to politely point out that no gift has yet been received?

It's hard not to get the impression that you have been silently seething about this for years without talking to anyone about it (parents??) so it's not unreasonable that other family members wrongly have the impression your brother(?) gave you £1000 and you gave him nothing...

BTW, Op, my suggestion about emailing the person was just one way to be direct.

Since you've said you regularly spend time together ordering stuff, here's another.

You: I've been thinking about your gift, and there's something I'd really like
Them: Lovely, what is it?
You: It's this (You show them what it is onscreen.) Shall I quickly send you over the link to order it?

No demanding. No begging.

YANBU. I think 'close family member' sounds like a complete twat and they've got exactly what they deserved.

What do you say at family gatherings when they mention the gift?

Have you told everyone that you have received no gift?

@HarrisonStickle oh so the person is able to click what the hint was when the product arrives but not able to click the hint when it comes to them paying for it?

@Cavagirl when ever their generosity gets brought up by other family members or by that person themself it is well known that the item has never been brought. However the family members believe that the offer itself is sufficient amount of generousity without questioning it’s been two years.

Family member: oh is this fridge what x has brought you
Me: no I got that myself
X: yes im still waiting for her to ask, but we all know henryhoover will never ask because she’s uncomfortable with asking for money
Family member: oh x it was such a generous offer.

[quote Henryhoover12]@HarrisonStickle your cracking me up, so they very publicly all the time can mention the generous gift they’ve given me but when it comes to paying for it has to be private lmao 🤣🤣[/quote]
So when they mention this generous gift in front of other people what do you say

Do you say "but you have never given us this money so I'm not sure what you are talking about" In which case, what is their reply?

Or do you stare blankly which seems to be the preferred option in your family. Can none of you actually speak?

Now I'd just say, publicly, next time they mention their generous non-gift that you asked for the oven and fridge and they didn't give you the money and that as their circumstances have changed you equally generously are gifting the £1000 back to them. Any quibbling make it very clear that short of begging for the dosh you're not sure what you were supposed to do. It's the only way this will get put to bed.

OK then this sounds pretty dysfunctional because it sounds like it's not about asking for the gift is it? It's about feeling free to speak your mind within your family?

Why does it not go:
Family member: oh is this fridge what x has brought you
Me: no I got that myself
X: yes im still waiting for her to ask, but we all know henryhoover will never ask because she’s uncomfortable with asking for money
Family member: oh x it was such a generous offer.
Henry to X: well how do you want to arrange it then?

What is it about X and/or the wider family that you can't call it out for what it is?

Next time when family are around say out loud, ‘we have not received any card or gift, did you post it?’

Take it one step at a time. You are clearly not the person bringing this up, they are doing it every time so you need to clear up the rumours by saying out loud that you have received nothing.

Don’t play any other games. Give them whatever you would have given them for their wedding £20, £120, whatever) regardless of this behaviour. For all you know they could be pulling this stunt with many people at this time in the hope that they will get £1000 of many people for a wedding gift. Ignore any comments from family members, they might have been stung too. Say out loud ‘we did not receive any gift yet’ next time and keep saying that whenever it is brought up.

Then say ‘why don’t you put £400 in a card for us to go away for a weekend then and we can all move on from this’ Now I asked you.
Thanks.

oh so the person is able to click what the hint was when the product arrives but not able to click the hint when it comes to them paying for it?

Er, yes. People very often realise things after the event, it's quite common.

You sound incredibly hard work, OP.

@Werehamster

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.

🤣 yes! Do this!

Can you not tell family members that they haven't actually giving you anything at all.

Everything they say how wonderful they are for gifting you the present. I would ca them out and say, but you haven't given us anything?!

Ask them to pop it on a gift card

@3luckystars

Then say ‘why don’t you put £400 in a card for us to go away for a weekend then and we can all move on from this’ Now I asked you.
Thanks.
^^
Problem solved - if this is too difficult then as pp have said this is dysfunctional.

I don't know how they have the actual cheek tbh!

If you were going to gift someone a £1000 just get on with it, Instead of something to the value of - I mean what if it's more or less?
It's hardly up to the recipient to ask for it.

Ridiculous they have no intention of gifting you anything after all this time.

I would have just given a bottle of Moët tbh or something along those lines but nothing more.

I’m starting to wonder if the OP is Ariel from the little mermaid.
If this is the case then ask Eric to ask for the £400 for a weekend away or else just go under water and your voice might come back.

Only joking!! But you need to speak up woman! Good luck.

On second thoughts, just say in response that you were waiting for them to ask for their gift

If they ever intended to part with the £1000 it was entirely for their own benefit otherwise they'd not being it up at every opportunity. If they wanted to give the gift for your benefit they'd have handed over cash when it became apparent you weren't going to ask for it.

I think they have a bloody cheek to moan about your gift when, even if other family members think you got £1000, they themselves will be fully aware they've not actually given you anything.

The two things taken together make me thing they are a CF.

My late BiL did this to us back in 1974. Fortunately he had form for it before that so we just went yeah ok. Also fortunately the family knew what he was like so we had no kickback when we stopped gifting him. Personally i think the family sound strange too. I'd be discussing between you and DH whether you want to keep on good terms with his family or not...if you do then a token gift (cheap cava? prosecco?) if you don't then nowt.

You're family is so weird. It's rude to say "I have decided I would like to buy xyz with the gift you offered, so lets arrange to purchase it" BUT its not rude to go on for 2 years talking/bragging about the 1000. You say you were raised the same way so they would know you would only "hint" about needing the gift (I'm assuming its a sibling of yours), so were you also raised to brag for years about gifts you give (or pretend to give)? I'm so glad I grew up in a normal family where we can just talk to each other without playing "hinting games" and where we dont brag about gifts we give for years to come (even if they HAD actually followed through and given the money) its so bizarre that it is seen as okay to do that in your family.

Some people just are like this. I think both parties are seeing it in different ways. I know someone who keeps saying "You MUST come to dinner. Please do, you MUST come." I keep thinking, well invite us then. She just harps on about us coming to dinner without ever saying come to ours on Saturday or whatever. I keep saying yes thank you that sounds lovely, but the invitation never materialises.

I think what you're MEANT to do is text them saying

"Hi Relative. We're interested in buying this Thing {link}. Are you happy to pay your very kind gift of £1000 for this? If so, my account details are ... Thank you so much!"