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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 10/10/2021 14:32

The thing is if they had really wanted to give you a £1000 gift knowing that you wouldn’t pick something then they were really unreason not to just give you the cash and say “put this towards your next furniture purchase or white goods”

A gift is meant to be a gift not something to hold over someone’s head and make them beg for it.

Personally I would say no more about it and let the commotion die down. If anyone mentions it say he or she hasn’t told you what they want yet!!

blubberyboo · 10/10/2021 14:45

I also don’t think you were wrong not to give them anything. You were just wrong to not speak up and make a public announcement in the company of all family that you were in fact making them the generous offer of a regift to the same gift and value.

Celestine70 · 10/10/2021 17:46

Just say you will gift them a thousand pound item, but seeing as you never received theirs you will just keep your 1000 instead. Cheeky fs.

LittleMissMe99 · 10/10/2021 18:02

I would have given them something small like a £20 voucher. And if anyone asked I would change the subject and not say what I had bought them. I think it was very unkind to offer that money and not give it. It's playing a childish game with you.

MrsPetty · 10/10/2021 18:05

Sounds plain weird! Gifts are given not talked about. I’d 💯 have called them on that nonsense in the two years that have passed.

flippertyop · 10/10/2021 18:10

I absolutely would have got them a gift. I think you've been really petty

CSIblonde · 10/10/2021 18:13

Well they knew you'd "never ask outright" as you said, so their money was safe. I'd have bought a token present & loudly stated you never got a gift off them if anyone whinged! Sod being polite with absolute arseholes like that. It's manipulative, they prob thought it was useful to always have the possibility of it dangling , like a bloody carrot.

3luckystars · 10/10/2021 18:17

If you give them £20 in a card, then you could say ‘I gave them £20 MORE than they gave me, I am even MORE generous aren’t I ?

3luckystars · 10/10/2021 18:18

One thousand and twenty pounds!! Aren’t we SO GENEROUS!!

Geekynzmum · 10/10/2021 18:18

If I were you I would tell them they can keep the £1000 they gifted to you for your wedding then start bragging about you've been so generous and let them keep their gift to you as their wedding gift as you never received it.

Gilly12345 · 10/10/2021 18:23

I agree with you and would not of bought a present.

The £1000 ‘present’ is just an empty gesture like dangling a carrot.

Move on if you can, unfortunately they didn’t buy you a present and vice versa.

Dnaltocs · 10/10/2021 18:23

I’d just say that I’ve given them the same as they gave me. If questioned I’d say that I didn’t want to embarrass the couple. Wish them a happy life together.
I know a professional couple who go to their friends weddings and only when they had their own wedding was it discovered they gave no presents to the various weddings they previously attended. Their friends attended their wedding and gave them no presents. Tic for tat.

FeeLock · 10/10/2021 18:23

God, this sounds like a ghastly situation with relatives who enjoy playing cat & mouse games! Personally I'd want to cut off all contact (I know this isn't an option you asked for). I loathe this kind of behaviour - if this were friends I'd find new friends!

All good wishes. Flowers

Gilly12345 · 10/10/2021 18:25

If they really wanted to be generous at your wedding then they would of given you a cheque for £1000 at the time.

Gillimac37 · 10/10/2021 18:39

I'd give them a £100 gift and then I would have done the right thing.

If they mentioned the £1000 gift in public, I'd say in public that you never received the said £1000. Say you didn't feel they had a spare £1000 and therefore did the kind thing by not asking. If they say 'oh we had a £1000 but u didn't ask, then say ok I'm sorry I misunderstood and I'll send you a link to the £1000 gift that you did want

I'd be just as direct right back.
I would definitely not let them away with shaming you in public.
Then I would absolutely keep my distance. These are not nice, considerate people who u want close to you.
They sound awful to be fair. I don't know anyone who would behave like that.

DreamTheMoors · 10/10/2021 18:44

To the friends who are scolding you, you should’ve said “actually, they didn’t give us a farthing.” You should tell everyone instead of keeping silent.

Then, you should give them some petty little £20 crappy wedding gift, along with a card that says nothing more than “Congratulations,” so that they can’t say you didn’t get them anything.

IT’S TIME TO CALL THEIR BLUFF

niugboo · 10/10/2021 20:07

Hi. I just wanted to apologise for the oversight re you’re wedding gift. You’re absolutely right, it was completely unreasonable after your generosity. We have therefore reconsidered and decide that we would like to gift you exactly what you gifted us, I’m sure you will appreciate it as much as we have.

Best wishes xx

Send that.

Gill61 · 10/10/2021 20:29

Why don’t you just say we are gifting you the same gift you gave us

Allybob88 · 10/10/2021 20:42

Stte.
Our wedding gift to you is a £1000 we will just call it even with what you were suppose to get us.
See ya 👋

CrankyFrankie · 10/10/2021 20:58

I think you probably could have just played them at their own game and said you’d give them £1,000. Then if they did ever actually ask for it you could say ‘tell you what, it makes sense to just keep the grand you were going to give us.’ Quits! Surely no-one could’ve been upset at that?

CrankyFrankie · 10/10/2021 21:00

PS they sound like total knobs

Elliepme · 10/10/2021 21:03

Sound like scammers to me!

cherish123 · 10/10/2021 21:31

YANBU
If they offered you 1k towards something, they should have given you a cheque. There was no reason why they would need to wait to give you the money until you had chosen something. Unfortunately, it's developed into a very awkward situation.

cherish123 · 10/10/2021 21:41

You need to stick up for yourself and call them out in public. Explain what happened. They haven't shown you an ounce of respect.

S0upertrooper · 10/10/2021 23:20

31 years ago we paid for our own, small by today's standards, wedding. Our parents weren't well off and we wouldn't have expected them to pay for it anyway.

My mum gave us £1000, my dad gave us £1000 as soon as we said we were getting married 7 months later, which was fantastic and a great help.

MIL & FIL said they'd give us £1000 but this is how it went: on a Friday MIL would insist that OH would wo to theirs to be given £50 in cash from her and the following Friday £50 check from him. The result was not £1000 gift but £300 because OH was not prepared to be held to be manipulated.. They obviously didn't have the money upfront, they could have, they were on decent wages with no mortgage and a company car, they just weren't savers.

However whenever weddings were discussed "Yes, we gave Souper £1000"

I hear you OP, I would rather they'd given us nothing but I wouldn't have given them the pleasure of not giving them a gift. This person sounds awful.

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