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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
Imnothereforthedrama · 09/10/2021 16:15

What ? they said they were gifting you a grand but never did so you have decided to gift them nothing in return and I don’t blame you .
What I don’t get is that family annoyed even though you never got a gift . I also find it grabby that they are telling family about it . I’ve been weddings and they’ve said you don’t need to gift anything but if you want a donation to the honeymoon. I can’t imagine anyone going mad at not getting a gift especially since their gift never materialised. We could all say we will gift a £1000 but to never act on it. Part of me thinks that they offered this huge sum knowing their own wedding wouldn’t be far off and they’d get a equal sum back .
Stick a tenner in a card job done .

Owlink · 09/10/2021 16:25

I would give them a card with nothing in except a message with "Here's a thousand pounds just like you gave us for our wedding. Spend it wisely!" Make it into a joke but yep, give them bog all.

If they hadn't gone ON so much about their supposed generosity since your wedding, I would have got them a real present. They are the weird ones who think invisible money is a generous gift! My family would see the joke though. Not sure yours would.

Tilltheend99 · 09/10/2021 16:26

I suppose you could have bought novelty tissues with money on or chocolate notes etc and given them £1000 of fake money. Then they can’t complain you didn’t give them a gift.

butterpuffed · 09/10/2021 16:33

I would say that you intend to spend roughly the same amount on a gift as they intended to spend on yours so 'we may as well just call it quits' Grin

THEDEACON · 09/10/2021 16:34

I've been married 5 years and never received a promised gift I have now seen the person for who they are -I used to excuse their behaviour Going NC has improved my life!

Tilltheend99 · 09/10/2021 16:35

Dear me, £20 is two and a half hours work for some. I would find it blooming generous if anybody wanted to give me £20, especially in the current climate. Could equally a weeks worth of packed lunches for their kids etc

Budapestdreams · 09/10/2021 16:50

I think gifting them the imaginary £1000 back is the best idea.

Bollindger · 09/10/2021 16:56

Just be Passive aggressive.
Send the person a text, hey Jean, so I am gifting you back £1000 as your wedding gift, since you never gave me that means we are quits right?

Then see what they say.
As soon as you get a reply you can show.
Just write on Facebook, hey everyone just wanted to say Jean and I have exchanged gifts for our weddings, We both gave the other £1000.

Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 16:58

@seaandsandcastles

There’s little point replying to this thread because OP is stamping her feet and won’t admit she should have just grown some balls and asked 🙄
Oh you are such an unpleasant poster. I see your name time and again. It doesn’t matter what a post is about, you always take against the OP and do so in a really ugly fashion.

And for someone who is presumably fairly young with a baby, you have really old fashioned views on things.

I can only presume you’re really unhappy because that’s exactly how you come across @seaandsandcastles.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2021 17:01

I agree - quite poisonous

Chloemol · 09/10/2021 17:04

Don’t blame you. You should have to ask for a present, if they wanted to gift you £1000 it should have been done at the time

And that’s what I would keep saying to family. They DID NOT give you a gift. You DO NOT ask for the money it should just have been given

So now they can have the £1000 they did not give you as your gift to them

whenthedoveslie · 09/10/2021 17:11

OP, I assume this person is a sibling. Was there always a power imbalance growing up?

I feel this person knows this aspect of your personality re money and has decided to have fun with it.

I don't agree with other posters saying you should have been explicit. I really don't think this relative had any intention of gifting you 1k.

However, I do think you have been a bit wet by not being very clear about what the reality of this odd situation is. No way would I let this person continue to bang on about an imaginary gift.

Phobiaphobic · 09/10/2021 17:11

@Henryhoover12

I appreciate all the different advice has given me different perspectives. We’ve obviously all got different ideas about what a “gift” means and how forthcoming you should be about asking for money.

It’s hard to explain but I think you can just tell when someone is dangling a carrot infront of you to make themselves look good but never actually go ahead with it. I think this is the case, and is quite clear since it’s been 2 years.

I think you’re all correct that by not giving anything at the wedding wasn’t the right option. I think what I’m going to do is the next time I see them say that I didn’t leave a gift because I wanted to have a private conversation with them alone about my gift and to say that whilst the £1k gift was very generous we would like to regift that back to them as they start their life together and will need it more then us. Atleast then like everyone says I can also say I gave £1k gift.

Hurrah! You got there, OP! That's exactly what you should do. Then you both get the kudos of such a generous gift to each other, without either of you having to spend a penny.
MrsDoctorDear · 09/10/2021 17:20

yes im still waiting for her to ask, but we all know henryhoover will never ask because she’s uncomfortable with asking for money

What an absolute cock!
I wouldn't ask the fucker for a penny.

FangsForTheMemory · 09/10/2021 17:22

I have had friends go on and on about housewarming gifts they were planning to give me that never materialised. I think to some people, promising a gift is the same as actually handing one over. They get the buzz out of promising, but don't have the expense of actually giving it.

Where your relatives are concerned, I'd spend £50 on something token.

AhNowTed · 09/10/2021 17:26

YANBU.

I fairly sure you, having not seen sight of the "gift" would have just let it go and not mentioned it.

And if they didn't keep bringing it up it would have faded into the ether.

I'd go with previous posters.. offer them a similar sum to be gifted at some future date.

Surely they wouldn't have the brass neck to call you on it.

treesandweeds · 09/10/2021 17:26

You are just as bad as them, they are saying you can have the money, just ask, and you won't ask, just hint. Stop hinting and say, we would like to buy these wardrobes or whatever, can you give us the £1000 please on Tuesday?

As for you saying this offer of a gift is always talked about, I don't believe it. Once someone's wedding comes and goes, presents especially are never talked about again!

TurquoiseDragon · 09/10/2021 17:27

It sounds to me that they made the offer so they can sound generous without every having to spend a penny.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/10/2021 17:29

Why on Earth, when anyone mentions they gave you £1000 do you not just say 'no, that's incorrect, they've never given us a wedding gift'

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 17:31

@treesandweeds I assure you it is talked about a lot because it is considered very generous thing for them to do and how lucky I am to have that family member in my life etc etc.

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 09/10/2021 17:31

YANBU

But you are being unreasonable for using "gift, gifted and gifting" way way way too many times...

My poor eyes.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 17:32

@bigbaggyeyes we do say that, but like I’ve explained my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing. So the fact that they’ve even offered with yet actually giving it to us is enough for them to be seen as very generous. Which as you can imagine person x is loving

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 09/10/2021 17:33

[quote Henryhoover12]@bigbaggyeyes we do say that, but like I’ve explained my family see the gift itself and the actual offer of the gift is basically the same thing. So the fact that they’ve even offered with yet actually giving it to us is enough for them to be seen as very generous. Which as you can imagine person x is loving[/quote]
Stoppit! 😭

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 17:33

@DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou apologies it’s hard to refer to something that is imaginary 🤣

OP posts:
treesandweeds · 09/10/2021 17:36

And I think you are being deliberately awkward. You say demand or hint. How about simply ask or chat about? If they've changed their mind, fine, they'll tell you. Or , you'll get the money. Stop being silly about it.