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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your thoughts on naming child after deceased relative

150 replies

PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:29

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

My dp has mentioned using his fathers name as a middle name for our baby due in February. But it's very much an old fashioned name and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity. I won't say the actual name but think along the lines of Colin, Barry, Gary, Trevor, Keith, Roger...that sort of thing. I just don't like the name, it doesn't go with any of the first names I like and don't think it would suit a baby.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 09/10/2021 08:30

We named ours loosely after someone, we loved the name and it was a nice touch

But I wouldn’t name a child after someone whose name I didn’t like anyway

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2021 08:33

My Aunt named their child after my deceased Grandad. My Grandma was not impressed and was actually quite upset by it.

Lime37 · 09/10/2021 08:33

I think for middle names it’s fine I don’t like it for first names.

PeterPomegranate · 09/10/2021 08:34

We’ve given our children ‘new’ names as their first names and family names as middle names (one son has his dead great grandfather’s name and the other has the name of (luckily!) both his living grandfathers).

Seems like a ‘middle way’. Ha ha.

TeenMinusTests · 09/10/2021 08:34

and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity

Oh it will.

There is a current trend for what i think of as 'old people's names' - Agnes, Ivy, Bertie etc. The names you list will come back in 30 or 40 years.

I think it's fine to name after family members, but if you don't like the name.... Did your DP's father have a better middle name?

Lime37 · 09/10/2021 08:35

@Sparklingbrook Your aunt as in your grandads daughter??

PeterPomegranate · 09/10/2021 08:35

Oh yes and we like the actual names or I wouldn’t have used them - they’re John & James which are so common I don’t think I’ve outed myself there!

Zoeyclash · 09/10/2021 08:35

I think it's a lovely practice to give new babies family names. Middle names are very rarely used so it wouldn't bother if it was an old fashioned name - I see it as a nice way to link the generations.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2021 08:36

[quote Lime37]@Sparklingbrook Your aunt as in your grandads daughter??[/quote]
Yes

Funnylittlefloozie · 09/10/2021 08:36

I thought this was an absolutely normal thing to do (assuming you liked the name, of course). This is one of my favourite things about Mumsnet- finding out that what's perfectly normal in one family or social group is unthinkable in another.

PeterPomegranate · 09/10/2021 08:37

“ and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity

Oh it will.”

Agree with this. I was at university many many years ago with a Grace and actually felt sorry for her for having such a granny name. All the rage now.

UmbilicusProfundus · 09/10/2021 08:37

The bottom line is that you don’t like the name. That is enough reason not to give the name to your baby, irrespective of the arguments for and against naming after a relative.

ExtraOnions · 09/10/2021 08:37

My daughter has my Nana’s name as a first name, and my husbands Nana’s name as a middle name.

My nana was an amazing woman, I was quite young when she died, but. she was a single parent in the 1920s / 1930s (unmarried), she started her own business, sent my dad to grammar school … she also loved a party. I think it’s a tribute to her, that we are carrying on her name.

RedHelenB · 09/10/2021 08:38

As a middle name yabvu. Why are only your wishes regarding the name important?

Original poster
PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:38

If I liked the name it wouldn't be an issue.

Even if I didn't like it but it was something quite normal and inoffensive like James, John or Jack I would go along with it. But this is quite a bold, odd sounding name for a child born in 2021. Might not have been in 1921.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 09/10/2021 08:39

We did - after my husbands mum. I love the name and the child. The name was also a middle name of my mum and my aunt. My husband only ever called her Mum so it isn't odd. My oldesr and youngest have my surname as a middle name.

KatyN · 09/10/2021 08:40

We did this. There was an expectation on my husbands side. I love it.

The only thing I didn’t think about…. My son is named after my fathers father who died when my dad was a teenager. I hadn’t clicked my dad would know both people so sometimes he would refer to my son as his fathers name rather than his own name.
(Man that’s complicated, my son is jack nelson, his namesake was jackie beck -it was the 70s)!

mumwhatnothing · 09/10/2021 08:40

I could never care less either way. My mum died and I called my dd after her. It just seemed right for this baby.

As it’s only a middle name you are fussing over and your partner feels strongly about it, I would have the name and make my partner happy.

Original poster
PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:40

@RedHelenB they're not but there is very little compromise here. We either use the name or we don't. And if we use it then surely it's only his wishes that are being taken into account since I don't like the name?

As I said, i have lost a parent I loved very much but I wouldn't use his name either because it's not a name I would want to give a baby.

OP posts:
Cattitudes · 09/10/2021 08:40

Yes think about your FIL middle name, it may have been after an older 'unfashionable' generation e.g. Ian Alfred, you could then have Alfie as a middle name.

AFS1 · 09/10/2021 08:41

My mum’s name is my daughter’s middle name. It was always going to be the middle name if we had a girl and we chose a first name to go with it.

But if you don’t like the name of either your father or your father-in-law, then you shouldn’t use it.

MindyStClaire · 09/10/2021 08:41

I agree with you about first names - we lost a relative in her twenties that I was very close to. I'd be devastated if someone used her first name as a first name for a baby as I would feel like she was being replaced as the "Jane" in the family, if that makes sense.

I do think middle names are the perfect place for a family tribute though - my DD1 and another girl in the family have middle names in tribute to my relative above, and DD2's middle name is one conveniently shared by both grandmothers.

In your shoes I think I'd use two middle names if there isn't a name that works for both of your fathers - so I guess I'm no use to you! Grin

starrynight21 · 09/10/2021 08:42

My Dad was James - we all loved him dearly. My sister and I have four sons between us and all have James as their middle name, and our two grandsons also have that middle name. It has become a nice tradition !

mumofmunchkin · 09/10/2021 08:42

That you don't like the b game it's the bugger issue than being named after a dead relative imo.

My youngest has my Dad's first name as his first name (my dad is still alive) and it's also my deceased brother's middle name. We also love the name though, it's perfect for our boy.

Fridaysgirl17 · 09/10/2021 08:42

I did it, named my son after my uncle who had passed the year before my son was born,it was my grandad name too,it wasn't something we planned to do we had another name very similar,but our son was born prematurely & on the day we were asked his name (day after he was born) it was my uncles birthday so it just felt right to us,it's a traditional name but fits our son,it's quite common in our family to name after a family member either the same name or an iteration of it both first or second names.