Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Your thoughts on naming child after deceased relative

150 replies

PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:29

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

My dp has mentioned using his fathers name as a middle name for our baby due in February. But it's very much an old fashioned name and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity. I won't say the actual name but think along the lines of Colin, Barry, Gary, Trevor, Keith, Roger...that sort of thing. I just don't like the name, it doesn't go with any of the first names I like and don't think it would suit a baby.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

OP posts:

emma1103 · 09/10/2021 22:28

My daughter has an old fashioned middle name (Joan) after my gran. She was alive when my daughter was born and was so touched we named her after her. My gran passed away a few months before my daughters 2nd birthday, and I'm so glad we used her name. My son will have my husband's granddads name as a middle name when he is born x

Buttons294749 · 09/10/2021 22:34

DS is
My GF's middle name- DH's GF first name - My family surname - my married surname

DD is
Random name - DM's name (alive) - family surname as middle name - My married name

Buttons294749 · 09/10/2021 22:36

@emma1103 that's lovely, makes me think of all the sophisticated icons like Joan fontaine/Joan Crawford

SirB0bby · 09/10/2021 23:34

When I was pregnant with my son, my Dad died so we named my son after him. I felt it gave them a connection as they never got to meet. My Son loves this connection and feels proud to have his Grandads name. That said, it's a name we liked (the name went out of fashion for a couple of decades but became more popular around the time my son was born).

Saoirse82 · 10/10/2021 00:07

It's important for me to give my child a middle name that is after a family member and in fact I find it odd just giving a child a middle name for the sake of it. In my huge Irish family middle names are given to honour another relative, same in my husbands family (I wonder if this is an Irish thing because rarely do I hear of babies given a middle name without it being after someone). Names have a habit of coming back, for instance my nephew was given a really old fashioned middle name when he was born honouring my grandfather, about a year later the name started popping up everywhere. Middle names are very rarely used if at all so if its important for your DH to honour his dad then I'd go for it.

thisisnotmyllama · 10/10/2021 00:14

I have relatives who did this, they referred to themselves as ‘Old Brian’ and ‘Young Brian’. Ridiculous! Especially as ‘Young’ Brian must be in his 60s now (with Old Brian also still alive).

We did the family middle name thing as I had found out from family tree research that a certain name had appeared in every generation of my family, excluding mine, since the 1700s. Right up to my dad who had it as a middle name but never knew why. He had hated it until he found out the connection. So I gave it to DS as a middle name too. I’d have preferred to use it as his first name, which would have been ok I think as there was no specific deceased relative associated with it, or at least none within the living memory of anyone around now. But ExH wanted a first name which reflected his heritage so we did that.

All these people saying ‘Nobody ever uses a middle name’ though - not strictly true. It’s a lot less common than it was, but my DM went by her middle name from childhood (another girl in her class had the exact same first & surname), I have a friend who does so as well, and have come across this fairly frequently. I was brought up with the idea that a middle name was partly there as a ‘backup’ name if someone didn’t like their first name.

Just because you don’t like this particular name, OP, doesn’t mean your DC won’t when they’re older, and for all you know they may turn out to prefer it to your carefully chosen ‘modern’ first name. In which case you’d have to cope with your son introducing himself as Trevor or whatever.

thisisnotmyllama · 10/10/2021 00:16

Sorry the first paragraph was meant as a reply to @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll talking about kids being named after a living relative at the same address!

ParkheadParadise · 10/10/2021 00:26

I don't like it.
When my nephew and his partner had a baby girl they named her after my dd who had died 2 years before. I went to the hospital with my sister(her first grandchild) when my nephew told me they were naming her after dd.
I didn't say much and managed to not get upset in front of anyone. When I got home I was devastated. I know it's stupid but I hate that they used her name. They believe that it was something I liked. I would never say anything.

Aussiegirl88 · 10/10/2021 00:31

Our youngest is named Flora after her great Nonna who is deceased, I asked my husbands huge family if we could name her that and their were all extremely happy and grateful. I love the name

MumofSpud · 10/10/2021 00:32

I've written this before - working in a school I can see the students' full names and it always makes me laugh when the child has a contemporary first name and then the middle name is obviously their grandparents
E.g (these are not real)
Callum Bernard
Tyler Colin
Isla Pauline
Evie Linda

That said, we never use our middle names day to day do we?

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/10/2021 00:41

We either use the name or we don't. And if we use it then surely it's only his wishes that are being taken into account since I don't like the name?

I don’t think like this. You can take both sides into account and then choose one side. The act of choosing one side, doesn’t mean thevother was ignored. Judges and juries do this in court every day. Listen to prosecution and defence, then pick a side.

But anyway, an obvious compromise is you agree on first name, he chooses one middle name, you choose one middle name and you agree on surname.

TeenMinusTests · 10/10/2021 07:26

The whole name thing is much more common in the USA.
I have some distant relatives who are on their seventh generation - similar to Henry Cradock Smith VII, going back to the 1800s some time. I think that must put a lot of pressure on them to continue.

CarbsAreNotMyFriend · 10/10/2021 07:52

I totally agree with you. You have to like the name. We used a more modern variation of my mum's name as my daughter's middle name. So the tribute was there but we liked the name.

If you can think of a name that somehow picks up elements of both names, AND you like it, you're on to a winner. If you can't, then just pick a totally insignificant name! Definitely don't use one dads name and not the other. Good luck! x

Nc123 · 10/10/2021 07:55

Tell us the names and see if we can help work out a compromise!

PurBal · 10/10/2021 08:02

@PatButchersEarring23

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

We used my late FIL name as a middle name for DS. It’s not one of the names you listed but again it is similar. He’ll never go by his middle name and most people won’t know what it is but it meant a lot to DH. FIL is prt of DS identity whether he is named for him or not. His first name is one we both like though. I wonder if you could honour him without using the full name? A different version (eg Jonathan instead of John or Marco instead of Mark) or just the first letter?

BeautyQueenIamNot · 10/10/2021 08:14

Our dc has the middle name of dh mum who died when he was younger. The name flows well with her actual first name.

I was happy to use DH’s dads name (who also died when he was a teen) as our other dc’s middle name but dh was adamant he didn’t want it 🤷‍♀️

If it means that much to dh I would probably do it (as I did)

Chunkymenrock · 10/10/2021 08:17

I dislike it too, OP. A new name for a new person.

CaddieDawg · 10/10/2021 08:47

DH and I had similar views re baby being new entity etc, but we both wanted to sort of honour our grannies who both had a similar name, and were feeling a bit of family pressure to do so as one had just passed.

One granny was Elspeth, the other Elizabeth which are essentially Gaelic and English versions of the same name. We liked but didn't love either. In the end we gave middle name Beth as a nod to both, it was a compromise we both loved ...still didn't make some family members happy giving a nickname as a formal name on the birth cert, but you can't please everyone!

barnanabas · 10/10/2021 08:49

All my children have first names that DH and I just like, but with no family significance.

DH's sister died when I was pregnant with our last child. We gave our daughter her name as a middle name. We discussed it with his parents and siblings first, and wouldn't have done so if they hadn't liked the idea. (I think if it had been less raw, we might not have done, perhaps.) It's not a name I love, or would have chosen otherwise, but I don't really dislike it. (To be honest, if I had done, in the circumstances, I think I'd have gone along with it anyway.)

It's not something I think about a lot now really. I really like my children's first names, and would use them all again, and they are the ones we use hundreds of times a day.

In your circumstances, could you go for two middle names, one you like and the one DH wants? Good luck with whatever you decide.

Nodancingshoes · 10/10/2021 08:52

I have lost both my parents and gave used my dads name as a middle name but would not have used my mums for the exact reason you have stated! It is a name not used these days at all - think Denise, pauline, Tracey...I'm sure she wouldnt mind!!!

TheNinny · 10/10/2021 08:57

I gave my DD my mums name as a middle name. It fitted with first and last name and I thought it would be nice to have a link to her, considering she died before she was born. She would’ve been a fab GM if she’d had the chance.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/10/2021 08:58

I don’t completely agree that a child is a new entity so should have a new name. It’s fine if that’s what both parents want to do, but a new baby doesn’t come from nowhere, their identity is wrapped up in who they came from.

That said, it’s going to be difficult if you really don’t like the name. I’d guess though that your DH’s desire to have his child carry his fathers name is stronger than your dislike of the name, so for that reason I’d probably let DH have his way.

Check if his Dad had a middle name you might like better.

3scape · 10/10/2021 09:01

All of my children have a part of their name that gives a nod to a family member. BUT not the same name. So, the meaning of the name has been preserved but a different name, a different version of one name etc.

Not one of the names but Margaret for eg means Pearl which has resurged in popularity as a name.

3scape · 10/10/2021 09:04

Keith is a family name for my family. I admit we went with choosing other family names. But it means forest and thanks to forest gump wasn't sure it was a great plan.

ShowMeHow · 10/10/2021 09:07

DH and I agreed with you and wanted an entirely new name for DS1 - one of his own. I also wanted him to be the only child on his class register with his first name having been one of several in my class with my fist name. We didn’t finalise his name for 6 weeks to get it right. Lol how serious we were. Then we registered name and went out for coffee to celebrate thinking good job done.

A few weeks later telling MIL the middle name she pipes up ‘oh you named him after my father?’ (died tragically young, me and DH never met him) ‘Huh I said?’ Oh yes she says he went by his middle name, but that was his actual name.

Ffs.

Anyway it is now very much DC’s name and he loves it, it is traditional but not quite out of fashion and he writes it in full on school books etc so I see it all the time, e v e r y d a y on e v e r y t h i n g.

Incidentally having registered DC1’s name within 24 hours I took a full on dislike and panic to his know unknown but fairly unusual first name and it took me years to love it again!

There probably ought to be a pre/post natal syndrome for parents suffering the precarious risks of naming of a child.

It has all very much become DC’s own name.

I still wouldn’t (knowingly) name a child after a deceased relative though!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6