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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your thoughts on naming child after deceased relative

150 replies

PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:29

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

My dp has mentioned using his fathers name as a middle name for our baby due in February. But it's very much an old fashioned name and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity. I won't say the actual name but think along the lines of Colin, Barry, Gary, Trevor, Keith, Roger...that sort of thing. I just don't like the name, it doesn't go with any of the first names I like and don't think it would suit a baby.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 09/10/2021 09:20

But I personally think that middle names should be family names, there’s no point to just having a random pretty name. They’re never used, they don’t even go on the majority of forms.

Reasons to have a middle name, even if you don't want to use a family name:

  1. Gives them another option of name to be known by. Two of my grandparents were known by their middle names all their lives.
  2. Makes individual identification easier. I know a kid who is known on school registers as John (2) Doe because there are two John Does in the same year, no middle names, same spellings. Obviously DOB etc is different, but teachers don't know those without referring to the system.
  3. Chosen for meaning. My kids have middle names chosen for what I would wish for them in life. That's more important to me than recalling the name of an obscure relative.

If you've got a relative you really do actually wish to honour, that's fair enough, but I wouldn't say all non-family middle names are 'pointless'.

BashfulClam · 09/10/2021 09:20

An ex of mine and his brother had old fashioned first names but he got a reeeallly old man name as his middle while his brother had ‘Andrew’ which is much better.

Crunchymum · 09/10/2021 09:22

I wish with all my heart I'd given one of my DD my mum's name as a middle name. It's about the only major regret I have.

If it means a lot to your DP, please don't discount it. You say yourself that you are happy not to have your dad's name included and that is fair enough but I think you need to respect your partner's view on this.

BashfulClam · 09/10/2021 09:22

My gran did something weird with my mums name she called her after two aunties but she was always known by her middle name and her first was not used. Why she didn’t Judy all her what she wanted and use the aunts name as a middle name. It’s caused all sorts of confusion over the years.

Mumdiva99 · 09/10/2021 09:24

@PatButchersEarring23

It's not that I don't want to use my dads name. It would be nice to have a tribute to him too. But the way I see it as that I would rather choose a name that I like and that I feel would suit them. It doesn't seem fair to me to give a child the burden of a hideous name in honour of someone they have never met. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh but it's just how I feel.
And your feelings are perfectly valid.

Parenting is about compromise so you need to find a way forward with your partner you are both happy with. (I would suggest that you have 2 middle names - he chooses one and you choose the other and you both agree on the first name.....honestly no one uses middle names so does it matter if the child has a name you dislike?)

CheeseandWine91 · 09/10/2021 09:24

My son has my dads middle name (he died in 2020) as his middle name as that’s what his family called him growing up. It is still quite a common well used name so there was no issues with it being ‘old’ or out of style. I think it was important for me as a nod to my side of the family as my son took my OH’s last name

WhoWearsShortShorts · 09/10/2021 09:25

@PatButchersEarring23

It's not that I don't want to use my dads name. It would be nice to have a tribute to him too. But the way I see it as that I would rather choose a name that I like and that I feel would suit them. It doesn't seem fair to me to give a child the burden of a hideous name in honour of someone they have never met. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh but it's just how I feel.
You have no idea what name will suit them. You haven't met them yet and newborns don't have personalities to suit a name so that's a piss poor argument. Maybe Colin will suit them.

It's not all about you anyway - does the father get any say in the first name out of interest?

Original poster
PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 09:26

@Crunchymum I don't think I was clear on that. It's not that I don't want to honour my own dad in this way. I just recognise his name is not ideal for a baby. FIL name is even less ideal! So using that but not my dads would feel like a double kick in the teeth to be quite honest. We'd end up having both probably. And then the poor kid is lumped with two really old fashioned, not particularly nice middle names.

Some sort of combination or variation might be worth looking into I suppose.

OP posts:
flippertyop · 09/10/2021 09:27

I think it's nice but if you don't like the name that's different - I wouldn't call a child Barry even as a middle name.

hangrylady · 09/10/2021 09:28

My DD is named after my grandmother. However, it's a lovely name and both DH and myself loved it. If Nan had been called Maud or Ethel it wouldn't have got a look inGrin

vdbfamily · 09/10/2021 09:28

my parents have all of us middle names that are family surnames. I love it. I suppose it depends on what you are the purpose of a name. When I did some family research, I loved that our middle names kept cropping up. A name is not just to sound cool, it is an identifier and in some families traditions are important. In DH family all the males going back hundreds of years have same first name but get called their middle name! We continued tradition but call our son by his first name as no one else uses that day to day. Apart from official documents, middle names are not really referred to much.

Brigante9 · 09/10/2021 09:29

I was genuinely horrified that a relative called her baby after my dad, who absolutely hated his name. She knew this too, having told me her last baby would have been called this had she been a boy. I told her dad hated his name but she still used it. Just weird. She named one dc after her grandmother, who she never even met! I figure children are unique and new and deserve their own name. Strikes me that using a family member’s name is a hell of a weight to put on a child.

DressBitch · 09/10/2021 09:32

My son has a middle name I don't like (husband's choice - not after a dead person, thankfully) and it irritates me. I bloody hate it! 🤣

My husband would also like to use it again if our unborn child is another boy. I'm married to an idiot.

ByTheSea · 09/10/2021 09:33

I have Jewish heritage (non religious) and did this for both my DC, both first and middle names, as per the tradition. The names aren't exactly the same but the DC are named for my grandmother, my father, my stepfather and DH's uncle and the names mean a lot to me. I was named for my great grandmother and great uncle and feel a special connection to them.

Ughmaybenot · 09/10/2021 09:34

I wouldn’t use a deceased (or otherwise!) relatives name for a baby as a first name, as I agree, they are their own person etc.
Middle names I feel differently about. Our baby, due in a month or so, should they be a little boy, will be named after my husbands grandfather, who he lost 10ish years ago. But I like the name. That’s the main thing really, you have to actually like the name you’re giving your baby.

VividImaginationAgain · 09/10/2021 09:35

My son is named after my late dad. He has his first and middle names. I share his middle name. The first name is also the same as dh’s bil. I love his name. My other boys have “new” first names but family middle names.

Abouttimemum · 09/10/2021 09:36

DS has my deceased brother’s name as his middle name, I think it’s a nice thing I’ll be able to talk to him about when he’s older. but I do like the name so obviously if I didn’t like it I probably wouldn’t have used it. So I do agree with you, i think you have to like the names you give your child.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/10/2021 09:36

I wish with all my heart I'd given one of my DD my mum's name as a middle name. It's about the only major regret I have.
Tell one of your DD's how you feel, they might give a DGD it.
Your DM's name is etched in your heart body and mind forever. Flowers

We'd end up having both probably. And then the poor kid is lumped with two really old fashioned, not particularly nice middle names.
That is understandable.
Even worse the 4 sisters in our house have the same middle name, Mary. I'm surprised Dbro wasn't Mary too.
My DM used her middle name her whole life as her older sister had the same first name Mary again.

JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 09/10/2021 09:37

What about using the same first initial? My grandfather (who died before I was born) was called Henry. Rather than giving me Henrietta as a middle name, my parents gave me a name they liked beginning with H. Perhaps you could do that for both grandfathers and have two middle names?

Granllanog · 09/10/2021 09:39

My ds has the same name as my cousin who died when I was in my teens. It is classic name and goes well with our surname. DS was born 28 years after cousin died and my aunt was happy about it. I would have loved to have named my dd after my grandmother..... unfortunately she had a very unusual name that she hated, even as a middle name it would have been a liability for dd!!!!!

NameChange2PostThis · 09/10/2021 09:40

@PatButchersEarring23 YANBU

I’m going to make an assumption that your DC will inherit your DP’s surname- surely that’s a fine tribute to your FiL too?

FWIW I ended a centuries long tradition in my dH’s family of giving a particular name to sons. I hate the name. And also didn’t want to give our son a string of family names from both sides.

It’s okay to give your child names you like without regard to tradition - let them be their own person. Both of you need to be happy with the names.

Lalliella · 09/10/2021 09:40

I completely agree OP. I think babies are people in their own right and definitely their first name should be one chosen for them alone. Mixed feelings on middle names though, I don’t think that matters so much and it can be nice to honour someone in that way.

My DH wanted to give our DS a Colin and Trevor type name (his and his dad’s middle name and his grandad’s name) as a middle name and it seemed very unfair to me that DS had 2 names from his side of the family. So I threw in my dad’s name too (a much better type of name!) so poor old DS has 2 middle names which don’t really go together!

Then when DD came along we felt we had to give her 2 middle names too! Both chosen by me, it was a very traumatic birth and DH would’ve agreed to anything at that point!

Cantcook842 · 09/10/2021 09:41

My daughter has my nans name as her middle name. I was extremely close to my nan and my nan died 2 months before my daughter was born so it was all very raw still and I so desperately wanted them to meet. I saw it as a tribute to my wonderful nan that her name could live on in her great grand daughter. And it makes me feel happy. The name itself is very unusual, and not fashionable. But I think it makes it all the more unique

Darceyhemingway · 09/10/2021 09:42

I think middle names are nice to honour deceased relatives. Our middle names have been set for years, 2 for each child.

Angel2702 · 09/10/2021 09:42

Middle names are perfect for this. A middle name is only used when you first announce the name and very occasionally on official forms. The majority of people you meet in your life won’t ever know your middle name. So I don’t think it matters if it goes with the first name necessarily or if it suits a baby as it won’t be used. I much prefer a slightly out there name for a middle name that has meaning than a random name just because it’s pretty.