Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your thoughts on naming child after deceased relative

150 replies

PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:29

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

My dp has mentioned using his fathers name as a middle name for our baby due in February. But it's very much an old fashioned name and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity. I won't say the actual name but think along the lines of Colin, Barry, Gary, Trevor, Keith, Roger...that sort of thing. I just don't like the name, it doesn't go with any of the first names I like and don't think it would suit a baby.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

OP posts:
WhoWearsShortShorts · 09/10/2021 09:05

Your DHs wish to honour a family member should take precedence. You'll get used to it and if its a middle name you won't exactly be using it day to day so it won't hurt.

IWantT0BreakFree · 09/10/2021 09:06

@MrsToadflax totally agree. It's so rude. I don't know why people think they need to be rude or snobby about other people's name choices in order to "talk up" their own opinions on baby names. One of my DDs has May as a middle name. I wasn't really aware at the time that it was so popular and I didn't use MN so had never come across the snobbery towards it that is rife on here. We chose it because we think it's lovely and it flows beautifully with her first and last names. We also chose her first name (quite traditional but rarely used) simply because we liked it rather than naming her after anyone in particular. Whilst it's nice to name a child after someone, it's not a requirement and choosing a name purely because you like it is also a valid choice.

MrsToadflax · 09/10/2021 09:07

Throughout the centuries middle names have predominantly been used to show connection to family. It's lovely to have that continuation through the generations. I love my DC's family middle names, so often call them 'first name, middle name', but if you don't like the name it really never needs to be said again until a form needs filling out. I think it's a great story to reveal 'my middle name is Brian - after my grandad.' If it's important to your DP I think you should use it and you could include another middle name to soften it.

dottiedodah · 09/10/2021 09:07

We named our daughter (middle name ) after my much loved Auntie. My cousin was touched by it and it felt like a link to her TBH. In reality middle names are not used much in everyday lives . I would not worry too much about this if it were me .

Amithatbad1 · 09/10/2021 09:10

Am I the only one just wanting to know what this apparently awful name is?

Peanutsandchilli · 09/10/2021 09:10

Could you use a name that has the same meaning? I wouldn't want to use a name that I didn't like.

I lost a boy during pregnancy and went on to have a girl. Her middle name is a variation of his first name, but it's a normal name in its own right and I like it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

MistandMud · 09/10/2021 09:11

I wouldn’t have chosen my sons middle name, but it mattered to DH. It’s old fashioned in a very non trendy way.

In fact, he bonded with another boy at his new secondary because they both had the same dire middle name.

SoupDragon · 09/10/2021 09:11

I also think if we used FIL name and not my own dad my family might be a bit hmm and so would I actually. It feels like it should be both or neither.

But you don't want to use your dad's name. Your DP does.

Middle names are used so rarely that I don't see the issue really.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 09/10/2021 09:11

My DD's middle name is Rose - it really annoys me when people say it's 'lacking in thought' and too common. It was my beloved grandma's name and means so much too me.

Yes, my daughter's middle name is May. Because her granny is Olive May. Her great grandmother was Vera May. her great great grandmother was Bertha May. Given that we didn't really want to use Olive, Vera, or Bertha, May was the ideal choice. It links her in with a long line of women who used May as a middle name.

Many of the most popular middle names like Rose, May, Anne, Grace, Jane are very traditionally popular. And i'm not talking about hyphenated names (which are an abomination)

Sarah2384 · 09/10/2021 09:12

@Sparklingbrook

My Aunt named their child after my deceased Grandad. My Grandma was not impressed and was actually quite upset by it.
Yes, something like this happened in our family too. It was supposed to be a lovely tribute but those closest to the deceased found it hard to adjust to the dead person's name being passed on to someone else;they said it made the dead person feel further away as the name wouldn't have got reused if its original owner was still alive. I think it's better to use the deceased's name as a middle name. Easier for anyone who might still feel upset hearing it used daily for someone other than the deceased and easier on the child too, less weight of expectation.
Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 09:13

We did it, but we also quite liked the name, so it wasn't entirely for that reason.
They will never have an individual name. There will always be other people with the same name as your child.

Bummocks123 · 09/10/2021 09:14

We gave DS1 my FILs name as a middle name. Can't say I particularly like the name. However, FIL died a couple of years before we had DS and I was sad he would never get to meet him as he was fab with kids and would have been a great grandad. So I wanted to give DS his name in the middle.

It's a middle name, it doesn't get used all that often (mostly when I'm telling him off 🤣) and now it's just his name.

toastofthetown · 09/10/2021 09:14

Personally for a middle name, I prefer family names. I’m the only one in my family with a a middle name chosen just because, and I would have liked to have a more meaningful name, even if it didn’t sound as nice.

But, naming children is a two yeses, one no deal, so if you hate the name, then he shouldn’t insist. I’ve had to lose a middle name from my family I’ve always wanted to use because my husband has a bad association with it. I wouldn’t insist, because that’s not fair. Would using the same initials as both of you fathers work, as a more subtle nod to them?

ProfSprout · 09/10/2021 09:14

Both my dc have family names as middle names (2 each!). They love that their middle names have meanings / connections. And it felt like a really special way of honouring people we had loved.

Obviously dh & I agreed on it together - he doesn’t really like one of dd’s middle names but understood the significance to me so went along with it and it works for her name as a whole. The opposite happened with ds. Plus when do we ever use middle names? Hardly ever.

If it’s important to your dh, I’d give dc 2 middle names - the first & first middle that you like and then stick your dh’s choice in as a second middle name. Everyone’s happy that way.

MindyStClaire · 09/10/2021 09:15

There are some people with great knowledge of names on here OP. I know you may not want to, but I would consider posting (possibly under a name change) both fathers' full names and see if anyone can come up with something you like that acknowledges both.

benelephant · 09/10/2021 09:16

My DD has her DSis first name as her middle name. We wouldn't have used the same first name, that might have felt a bit like we were trying to replace her, but as a middle name that's rarely used we felt it was an appropriate tribute.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/10/2021 09:16

My Daughters middle name is my Mother's name. DM was alive until DD was 11 it wasn't given as a dead relatives name.
I'm really glad I did it, DD is happy with it too.

MeadowHay · 09/10/2021 09:16

I think it's nice to honour relatives like this but only if you both also like the name and are both happy with it. Also we decided we didn't like the idea of it for first names, as you said we felt we wanted our children to have their own distinct identity and not be continuously compared to or reminded of a deceased relative, however well meaning it would be. So we use them as middle names instead. That feels nice to us and the middle names are there for DC to use in future if they want to but otherwise won't be used anyway apart from for official documentation. DD1 has two middle names which are DH's maternal grandmother followed by my paternal grandmother. We are awaiting DC2 and if they're a boy, middle names will be DH's paternal grandfather followed by my paternal grandfather. If a girl then just one middle name which will be one of DH's maternal great aunts. We do give our kids very long names though given our surname is also double-barrelled, and people often comment on the length of all our names so I know it's not everyone's cup of tea!

MintyGreenDream · 09/10/2021 09:17

Is there anything you could do to tweak the name to sound better?.I knew someone who didn't want Olive but had Olivia for example.

aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2021 09:17

Well firstly I think it matters less with middle names.

I don't think it really matters to the child that they don't have an original name, the name will naturally become theirs. But I do think it's a bit of an odd situation for the other parent. My DP made noises about naming our DD after a relative of his and I couldn't help but feel a bit awkward about it as the name had no meaning for me, and it felt like it should. It felt a bit one sided.

user1493494961 · 09/10/2021 09:18

What about DP's Grandad's name as a middle, would that be a better choice?

EmeraldShamrock · 09/10/2021 09:18

but I would consider posting (possibly under a name change) both fathers' full names and see if anyone can come up with something you like that acknowledges both.
That is a great idea.

DomPom47 · 09/10/2021 09:18

Discuss your issues with using the name with your husband. If it really does mean a great deal for him I would use the name as a middle name. I don’t know anyone who uses their middle name anyway so it won’t be a problem as you won’t be using/hearing it day to day but it will make your husband happy. In terms of it not going with first name/last name - I have never come across anyone who has said “Your names don’t sound right.”

Original poster
PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 09:19

It's not that I don't want to use my dads name. It would be nice to have a tribute to him too. But the way I see it as that I would rather choose a name that I like and that I feel would suit them. It doesn't seem fair to me to give a child the burden of a hideous name in honour of someone they have never met. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh but it's just how I feel.

OP posts:
AndStand · 09/10/2021 09:19

I was given the name Dorothy as my middle name (after my mother). As I grew up in the 60's and 70's all the other girls had modern middle names and honestly my middle name became a horror to me. The other kids found it out from the school register and I was teased mercilessly about it. Consequently I've always disliked it.
It's apparently quite a trendy name now so at the ripe old age of 55 I'm suddenly "with it".

OP, you're never going to be happy with it even just as a middle name.