Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your thoughts on naming child after deceased relative

150 replies

PatButchersEarring23 · 09/10/2021 08:29

Firstly I can definitely understand why people do this. It's a nice tribute and can be a way to carry on family names through generations.

But my personal opinion is that a child is a new entity and deserves their own individual name. And it should be a name both parents like.

My dp has mentioned using his fathers name as a middle name for our baby due in February. But it's very much an old fashioned name and not one that is ever going to come back into popularity. I won't say the actual name but think along the lines of Colin, Barry, Gary, Trevor, Keith, Roger...that sort of thing. I just don't like the name, it doesn't go with any of the first names I like and don't think it would suit a baby.

Fwiw I've lost my dad too and I wouldn't use his name for the exact same reason.

Aibu to feel like this? I realise it's a sensitive subject and don't want to discount Dp's wishes but also don't want my child to end up with a name I don't like!

OP posts:
Sidneysussex · 09/10/2021 09:48

It's what the middle name slot is for, nobody ever uses their middle name.
I used Daisy to represent both my grandmother s one was a Margaret ( known as Peggy) the other was ---- Margaret so neither known as Margaret but was both. I Used Daisy as a middle name as it's a diminutive for Margaret represents both and slightly amusing as one was obsessed about only ever using Latin names if flowers. Daisy was fitting! It represents too very strong resilient English ladies. Rather like the flower.
I used my deceased father's name as a middle name for my eldest son. it's a very old name but randomly suddenly appearing as a name suggestion on these threads.
It's a bit cruel not to slip your DH father's name in if he wants it. Can you add a second middle name or adjust it if you are really so against it? Are you aware if it's a second middle name it actually rarely even fits on forms etc ? I have 2 middle the second rarely appears on anything or only as an initial. It could make your husband happy and cost you nothing to put it at the end!

titchy · 09/10/2021 09:54

I think having middle names from family members is a lovely tradition. It doesn't matter that the names old fashioned - no one will actually call the kid it. In fact given both of you have lost your fathers I'd probably give him two middle names.

ChaosMoon · 09/10/2021 09:55

Are there other versions of that name that you do like? Or of his middle name? If you can't think of any, maybe start a new thread on the Baby Names board with those names and see if anyone there can help.

TheWrongReasonMaybe · 09/10/2021 10:00

My DDs middle name is after my GM who helped raise me and died just before I went to university. ExH chose her first name so we agreed I could use the middle name.

I love it, the name suits her. I did ask my GFs permission to use it though and he loves it.

butterflyze · 09/10/2021 10:00

My dd1 has two middle names, both of which are in memory of deceased relatives, one being the female version of my dad's name.

I suppose it all depends entirely on personal taste and of course middle names are hardly ever used in day-to-day real life, apart from when form-filling.

averythinline · 09/10/2021 10:01

We did it - so ds ended up with multiple middle names - dh uncle died whilst i was pregnant - the name is awful - would never have used in a million years .... but I had proposed the first name and DS loves having the family connection - the uncle was quite a character so likes hearing stories of what he got up to and also was a way of him having a link with the IL's as they could tell him about him... as a second middle name works well - nothing wrong with 2 middle names - most people will never know!

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2021 10:04

My middle name goes back in my family for as long as I can trace it. It's given in different forms and my granddaughter has it in a different form to mine. I like that connection. I have a fashionable at the time (60's) first name and hate it. I don't think names should be picked according to fashion.

Onedaylikethis21 · 09/10/2021 10:06

My daughter has my grandmothers name as her middle name- it’s quite normal isn’t it?

timetochangeagainforever · 09/10/2021 10:06

My daughter has my much loved and missed grandmothers name as her middle name. It's a popular name now. Me and my daughter love it. Not so sure if I would have used it if it wasn't a nice name though and didn't use any dead relatives name for my son as we didn't like them!

Ednadidit · 09/10/2021 10:07

We’re adding in a second middle name so that I can give my mum’s middle name to our newborn. It’s a sticky subject if you’re not on the same page. The name we’re passing on is Elizabeth, so a pretty standard middle name, I suppose.

On my husband’s side, the boys’ middle name goes back to at least 1650, so I won’t be standing in the way of that tradition if I have a boy in the future.

Kite22 · 09/10/2021 10:08

YANBU at all.

I mean, I personally am not a fan of naming someone 'after' someone else. Everyone should be their own person in my opinion, BUT, each to their own, if someone else wants to do that, it is up to them.

However, this is the baby of two people. If both of you don't like the name, then don't name your child that name. Lots of parents have different opinions about names - you keep going around until you find one that you both can accept at very least, even if not love. Neither parents gets to name a child something the other really cannot like.

If it were a 'normal enough' name (Roger, Keith, etc that was just out of fashion) I would probably compromise by accepting it as a middle name if it meant a lot to dh but I wouldn't do even that if it were Engelbert or Adolf something.

FiloPastryMaker · 09/10/2021 10:56

My son has my DBs name as middle name. I wouldn't have gone first name, as he is his own person, but it was important to me that my son had this as a link. It's a classic name with a beautiful meaning, but I wouldn't have considered it otherwise. I don't think it "goes" but I don't think that matters
Luckily DP was more than happy. I would have been devastated if he'd vetoed it. So, u think if it means a lot to your partner, you should go with the name.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 09/10/2021 11:08

I have my maternal grandmother's name. It's quite old fashioned, but classic. I don't love it, but it's not awful. It does have lots of shortenings, which I use. My mother and grandmother HATE the shortening I use, they both wanted a different one.

Other than that, I quite like having her name, she was an awesome woman and had a varied and interesting life. I was lucky enough to have her in my life until I was 26.

TheGoogleMum · 09/10/2021 11:10

I think its a bit weird that people do this and agree the child is a new person that deserves their own name!

EishetChayil · 09/10/2021 11:32

It's a nice tradition.

My DD has her great-grandmother's Hebrew name as her middle name.

Of course all babies are new entities, but they come from long lines of ancestors and there's nothing wrong with honouring that, if you wish.

Porcupineintherough · 09/10/2021 11:46

I have my grandmother's name as my middle name and I like that. My first name is "me". My middle name links me into my wider family, in this case to a woman who was a pretty bloody amazing survivor but who died a week after I was born.

Ellmau · 09/10/2021 12:40

I think it depends on what the name is.

ThirdElephant · 09/10/2021 12:44

@Greenandcabbagelooking

I have my maternal grandmother's name. It's quite old fashioned, but classic. I don't love it, but it's not awful. It does have lots of shortenings, which I use. My mother and grandmother HATE the shortening I use, they both wanted a different one.

Other than that, I quite like having her name, she was an awesome woman and had a varied and interesting life. I was lucky enough to have her in my life until I was 26.

Margaret?
Echobelly · 09/10/2021 12:52

I think it can be nice, it's common in Jewish families. Oldest has DH's late grandma's name as middle name because said grandma died just a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. DS is names after two great grandfathers - first name on DH's side, middle name my maternal grandfather. Both names are the given names of each grandfather, although they were both known by different names for most of their lives after emigrating, and DS is called a nickname version of his first name anyway, as was our plan.

I'd hope that if my kids had their own kids and any of the grandparents are no longer with us, they would consider naming them after a great-grandparent, at least as a middle name.

honeylulu · 09/10/2021 13:17

I think it's nice, but I would only do it if I liked the name and it hadn't dated. My daughter has my name as a middle name. I've always liked it and it's a classic, traditional name.

My friends husband really wanted their daughter to have his mum's name (Sheila) as a middle name . They compromised on using mum's middle name (Anne) instead!

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/10/2021 13:18

I chose middle names for dc to honour my lost loved ones.

Personally I'd never choose first names as the grief is too raw and triggering. Plus they aren't replaceable. They deserved not to have to share their name.

Middle names are a tribute but barely used so I cant see why anyone would object.

Sparklingbrook · 09/10/2021 13:39

@Willyoujustbequiet

I chose middle names for dc to honour my lost loved ones.

Personally I'd never choose first names as the grief is too raw and triggering. Plus they aren't replaceable. They deserved not to have to share their name.

Middle names are a tribute but barely used so I cant see why anyone would object.

I think that’s how my Grandma felt. My Aunt thought naming her child after my deceased Grandad as a first name was a lovely tribute but it was just upsetting.
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/10/2021 13:49

My Dad was James - we all loved him dearly. My sister and I have four sons between us and all have James as their middle name, and our two grandsons also have that middle name. It has become a nice tradition !

That sounds really lovely - but even there, I can see potential issues for strife in the future, if it's kept up. Your sister and you had just one Dad, so no issue; but your grandsons have two Grandads each - and then their sons will have four Great-Grandads each.

How do you decide which one becomes the 'donor' and which ones not? What if you end up with four strands of the family who all have their own very long-standing traditions that all boys (or girls) have a certain middle name?

Absolutely not criticising you at all, but I can see that it can all become a bit of a minefield!

Also, I often think, when somebody names their child after a recently-deceased grandparent, to honour them: they will have another grandparent of the same sex, who happens to still be alive now but who will, in all probability, also become that loved, deceased GP for most of their lives - but they missed out on their name being memorialised just by virtue of having lived possibly a few years longer!

I also see how it can backfire to use a deceased loved one's name in tribute - some will find it a very special, touching honour; but there's always the possibility that, with little baby Sarah now here, living, active and a daily presence in everybody's lives, the name becomes fully associated with her, and then Grandma Sarah, whose life was precious but has since come to a close, has lost her distinct marker within the collective family memory.

The one I really don't get (not as popular now as it once was), is giving a son the exact same first name as his dad's first name (it was never as common for mums and daughters). Two people living in the same house - and even then still very much linked - for a large part of their lives with the exact same name just seems kind of pointless; just seems like a deliberate act to sow confusion, have to keep clarifying/giving context and getting each other's post!

At least, now that everybody has their own mobiles, you don't have somebody answering a single family phone that's tied to the wall and saying, several times a day, "Which Alan? Sorry, the surname doesn't help, as they're both Alan Smith. How old is the Alan you're wanting? Just roughly?! How do you know him?!" Straightforward when one Alan was 28 and the other just a baby, but once Alan Jr was a teenager....!

weegiemum · 09/10/2021 14:06

My dd2 is named after my dh's Grandma (first name) and my Gran (middle name). Dh's grandma died 2 weeks before dd2 was born and it brought comfort to the family. My Gran was delighted. We wouldn't have used them if they both weren't lovely names though.

JudgeJ · 09/10/2021 22:23

@Zoeyclash

I think it's a lovely practice to give new babies family names. Middle names are very rarely used so it wouldn't bother if it was an old fashioned name - I see it as a nice way to link the generations.
When I went into our family history I was very surprised to learn that the name of my eldest granddaughter occurs a lot, totally unknown to us, so 'new' names may not be as new as you imagine.