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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter doesn’t have a bedroom-is this bad

369 replies

Thoseshoulderslookace · 08/10/2021 18:54

Dd, 3, sleeps in our room/bed, all her toys are downstairs..everywhere, plus in the garden etc. We have one extra bedroom that’s used as a spare room currently for when people come to stay. We’re getting it ready to be her bedroom, but it’s taking so long because it’s so expensive! Saving back a bit each month to decorate it all fully, buy the bed, shelves, chair, rugs, decorations etc etc.
Is it shit that she doesn’t have her own room yet? Feel so bad about it 🥲

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/10/2021 20:16

[quote Thoseshoulderslookace]@Goldbar My thinking was to have this amazing new room to tempt her in[/quote]
I think your version of amazing and a three year olds are probably quite different. A colourful duvet, a poster of her favourite character, and a toy basket will probably be amazing to her

BasiliskStare · 08/10/2021 20:17

@Thoseshoulderslookace - honestly I would keep the big bed ( better for visitors ) & get some bed guards if you are worried. Also I do get you want your daughter to have a lovely room - but I honestly don't think my son knew what carpet was until he was 5 - he appears not to be traumatised - ah make it what you can and she can always come next door if she wants to . What is the saying - let not the good stand in the way of the perfect.

BlueMoon23 · 08/10/2021 20:19

You can get loads of the stuff you want (rug, table, chairs, wardrobes, curtains, bedding, even paint) free on Freecycle and reuse FB groups. Only thing you realistically need to buy is carpet and/ or mattress if you change bed. Personally I would keep double as more versatile.

Original poster
Thoseshoulderslookace · 08/10/2021 20:19

@MyPatronusIsACat Wow.

I definitely don’t believe it’s wrong to bed share, that’s your own opinion if you think so. I’m in a place where it’s normal and with lots of friends from different countries who do the same. Some friends don’t, they had them in their own nursery from 6 months, fine too, each to their own, I don’t judge.
I’m talking in terms of just having her own room, own space with her toys etc, rather than downstairs or in our room.

OP posts:
InvincibleInvisibility · 08/10/2021 20:20

Definitely keep the double. I wish mine had had them before 7/9 cos of all the nights im up with them

Eve81 · 08/10/2021 20:21

Don’t feel bad! It’s fine and she probably enjoys being in with you. I put so much effort into my sons room before he was born and he has spent exactly zero nights/days in it. He is 18 months and I don’t see him going in anytime soon. Husband has started to take his laptop in there and turn it into an office.

RedMarauder · 08/10/2021 20:22

Your 3 year old won't fall out of a double bed.

Mine happy sleeps in the middle of mine, and kicks me and DP out....

Just put her toys in the room. Get a colourful duvet cover and tell her it is her bedroom. She will then be in your bed every night until she goes to school.....

Takemetothe90s · 08/10/2021 20:22

@PinkSyCo

Most 3 year olds play with their toys downstairs and love snuggling up to their parents in bed, so I wouldn’t feel bad in her behalf. The only thing I would worry about is that the longer you leave putting her into a separate room to sleep, the harder she is likely to find the transition.
I don’t agree, surely if she has her own room(hypothetically, as this child does not) a child will just go in there as they mature? Not many 18 year olds crawling in their mamas bed!!
samwitwicky · 08/10/2021 20:22

Ignore whoever said it's mean.

It is not mean.

My DS is 6 and only got his own room this year, before that we coslept.

Enjoy it while you can x

badg3r · 08/10/2021 20:23

Quite a few opinions here... honestly if she is happy in your room, and you want to save to make her a really nice room, I don't see the issue. You should be doing what suits you are a family and not what other people judge as "right". I know people who's kids were in another room at three months ans people who lived in a one bed flat with a six year old. In both cases the kids were perfectly lovely and well balanced, and the parents never said anything negative towards each other about such different choices. If you want to save for a nice room, do it. Our first didn't start sleeping by themselves till they were three and our second went at 19 months. You do what's right for your child.

Caspianberg · 08/10/2021 20:23

I wouldn’t buy a toddler bed now for 3 year old, it will only last 1-2 years maximum.

Either keep double with bed guard or buy a single with bed guard. Push one side against the wall.

I have a 1 year old. Whilst he sleeps in a cot in his own bedroom most the time, he does sleep in our bed sometimes and when he does can easily get off the main large bed safely.

liveforsummer · 08/10/2021 20:25

Well my 8 year old had her own room. She doesn't sleep in it, or use it at all. I'd not worry too much. Take your time if she's happy

MrsHookey · 08/10/2021 20:26

I got a great single bed in b&m. It was £30 and has been very comfy.

RedToothBrush · 08/10/2021 20:26

We did this til DS was nearly 5 and we moved house, because the house layout wasn't child friendly and we weren't happy about him using it.

It was completely fine and actually worked better for all of us at the time.

thymeofmylife · 08/10/2021 20:27

My ds got his own room at just before 2 and it was very much bare walls and a mattress on the floor. A few years later and it's become much more homely! My dd meanwhile hasn't got a room and sleeps in our living room but she's not 2 yet, I won't be worrying unril she's a bit older and we can move them in together - but the room won't be 'proper', it'll be whatever we can afford to make it.

There's nothing wrong with her not having a room in and of itself, but it sounds like all that's stopping you is being hung up on the decoration. She's only little and her own space will be exciting no matter what it looks like! Plus my ds has always had a double bed (I used to cosleep for years so it was necessary!!) and he loves it. Even when it was just a mattress on the floor Smile

SylvanasWindrunner · 08/10/2021 20:27

There's nothing wrong with bedsharing at age 3. Plenty of cultures and countries have children sleeping in with them. It seems a peculiarly British thing to see a child moving to their own room as some rite of passage that must be achieved as quickly as possible. Most children who co-sleep just move to their own bedroom when they are ready to, just like they do all the other developmental stuff.

Just because you don't do it doesn't mean that it's wrong [sceptical]

WombatChocolate · 08/10/2021 20:28

There are 2 separate issues. Firstly if you feel she shouldn’t be sleeping in with you. If you’re happy with it, then it’s no problem. If you think she should be in her own room, then move her into the other room.

The other issue is the other room. Honestly, a child’s bedroom needs a bed and that’s it. There really isn’t any saving up that has to be done or decorating etc. She can be in the room and if you want to gradually add bits you can. You can paint the room at the point you’re ready and do it within a day or two.

So either accept she shares with you and you’re happy with that, or just move her. It sounds like you’re not actually happy to move her or can’t face the fact she might not like moving, because otherwise you’d just have done it. So have a think about what the barriers are here,but there are any at all. She can continue to share with you if you want.

Worldwide2 · 08/10/2021 20:33

My dd was in my room for almost a year when we were waiting for our house to be finished. She had her own bed but she was in with us for nearly a year. When we finally moved she was turning 3. No problems whatsoever, she loved her room and she never once cried for us or anything like that.
So don't worry about pp saying 'it needs to stop now' 🤣 made me crack up that did. So dramatic.
Your dd will adjust when your ready. But I do agree you don't need to have it perfect it can be added to along the way and she won't realise tbh.

MyPatronusIsACat · 08/10/2021 20:33

[quote Thoseshoulderslookace]@MyPatronusIsACat Wow.

I definitely don’t believe it’s wrong to bed share, that’s your own opinion if you think so. I’m in a place where it’s normal and with lots of friends from different countries who do the same. Some friends don’t, they had them in their own nursery from 6 months, fine too, each to their own, I don’t judge.
I’m talking in terms of just having her own room, own space with her toys etc, rather than downstairs or in our room.[/quote]
You can 'WOW' all you like. But you asked for opinions, and I gave mine. Don't accuse me of being judgemental when you posted on here and asked for opinions! Hmm

Also, you said 'do people think it is shit?' and you said you feel bad about it in your original post, so on some level, you must think it's wrong. So jog on with your 'each to their own, I don't judge' comment you aimed at me.

And WOW back atcha! For asking for opinions, saying you said you feel bad about your DD not having her own room and sharing yours, and then bashing someone who says 'yeah actually I think it's wrong...' Hmm

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 08/10/2021 20:34

It doesn’t sound like you can really afford the room you want. If you are that short of money, spend what you have on something that will benefit her more. Toddlers are not really into interior design

rosegoldwatcher · 08/10/2021 20:35

Don't be suckered in to 'style over substance' thinking.

You have the substance; a room, a bed.

The style can evolve in time.

SnowyQueen · 08/10/2021 20:35

You have 2 bedrooms. 1 is yours and the other should be your DD’s. You don’t have a “spare room.” Put the double in storage and get a single bed for your Dd. Keep some of her toys in there. She’s not a toddler anymore.

saraclara · 08/10/2021 20:40

We had no money when our DD1 was small. Our spare room had a double bed in which we sold and got a cheap single in its place. We bought a bright and cheerful duvet cover and a couple of book posters for the wall. That was it. DD still loved her room, and we added things (like an IKEA star wall light - cheap as chips) as and when we found them. Picking up things that way, she found even more exciting.

DroopyClematis · 08/10/2021 20:43

As she's currently in your room, does she have a table, chairs and shelves in your bedroom? You've already said that her stuff is downstairs.

Are the walls peeling? Would she really be bothered about the current carpet?
She just needs a bed or use the existing bed.
A string of fairy lights will be your friend.
A simple set of shelves will suffice. Her current clothes arrangement could continue for a while.

When we moved into our current house , our , then 3 year old daughter's bed was put into a very bland room. We explained that we were going to add more things to her room and asked her to plan it.
She was very excited. We decorated it and added bits to it along the way.

Goldbar · 08/10/2021 20:44

I know it's not your plan, but in your position I would definitely keep the double bed. You can cuddle her to sleep in her room if necessary and then go through and sleep in your own bed. And then you can still keep the room as a guest room as well.

My DC is slowly outgrowing their cot bed (very tall almost 4yo) and we're mulling replacing it with a double or even a king bed. Then we can lie in there with them if they're ill or upset and at least it will be comfortable. And we can use their room as an extra guest room and it will save buying another bed when they're a teenager.