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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2021 06:31

Right now you’re making choices to stay with him. Part of that choice is bank rolling him.

He’s not going to change. You’ll have no money and be increasingly beaten down by him and his family. And for what? So your baby doesn’t have to go to nursery. So you don’t have to ask for help from others.

This is really sad. I hope one day you get really angry and leave.

TheWoleb · 09/10/2021 11:24

Since you have no other help, did you go and present as homeless to the council yesterday? How did it go?
They'll have found you temporary accommodation and they have a duty to house you so even if you stay in temporary accommodation for a long time, you have a roof over your head and can start making plans.
You will get help towards childcare costs which will allow you to work and it will get better.

I did it with 2 kids. A 6 week old and a 2 year old. I was 23. I had my house because I bought before my ex moved in, so when he left (and totally disappeared so no child maintenance until they tracked him down a year later) I still had a home, but was down to one salary with 2 kids.
I worked my arse off to keep everything afloat. Childcare costs were a killer but I had to stay working so there wasnt a choice.

You just have to get on with it. You sont have anywhere to stay but as you've been told, go to the could council because you are homeless right now.

Tereseta · 09/10/2021 11:39

You need to present as homeless to the council and leave him. You are being financially abused and he will never change. The wedding should be the thing that tips you over.
You can do this, there is help out there.

ChequerBoard · 09/10/2021 12:19

What do think will happen when you have exhausted your savings pot paying off his debts OP?

You won't have anything left for you and your child and I would put money on you being asked to leave his parents house at that point.

LIZS · 09/10/2021 12:22

You need to leave while you still have resources for a deposit, upfront rent and a few weeks bills. Even if you decide not to go now, please ring-fence that as a minimum in a separate account.

daffodils123 · 09/10/2021 12:44

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

Why don't you mind supporting him? Given you're a SAHM where is the money from? Does he work? Is he trying to improve his financial situation, as it doesn't sound like it.

Him going to the wedding is a minor problem compared to everything else you've flagged!

Are you married? As a SAHM what is your plan if you break up, as this makes it an even worse idea of be spending any of your savings on him.

daffodils123 · 09/10/2021 12:45

@Overandonefor

Okay everyone. Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going. The money situation I know is a complete and different thread. But as I said I am not lending or funding him anymore. As long as I find out he didnt pay for his suit behind my back and actually borrows the money like he says this time then I guess I'll have to just get over myself and try to not spend the whole weekend he is away drinking and practically having a mini holiday away from our baby not seething about it

Borrowing the money is more debt. He shouldn't go if he can't afford to!

meadowbleu · 09/10/2021 12:46

@Overandonefor I get that you may feel on the back foot and under attack from some posts on this thread, but believe me, what you type just makes people want to help you realise you need to change the situation for you and your DC and people are angry on your behalf, not against you.

The question about a parent going alone to a wedding that requires a plane journey and considerable expense, is in itself unreasonable, especially as he tacitly asked your approval, albeit after the arrangements were made.

But obviously it isn't reasonable when he booked without consultation and doesn't have the money to fund the basics in life, let alone this trip.

I'm not totally clear on the status quo in your home, but think, he works and you live in his parents home? 95% of his pay goes on his debts or himself in some way. You don't work, it wouldn't be cost effective because you would have to pay all the childcare bill yourself without any contribution from him? You had some savings, which he leeches from you and you're on benefits which you use for food for all three of you. You can't move out because of acceptance and affordability. Is that right?

I can't recall reading about your relationship with each other, if indeed any exists any more, but clearly his family are only supportive of him as an individual and not as a father. It feels to me as though you're on your own with your child under their roof and they are the 'unit' Is that right?

Sadly, until you address these key issues, not only are you stuck, but your ability to move forward is eroding. If I were you I'd be speaking to women's aid and learning to accept that your partner is financially abusive and you have grounds to leave, with their support.

Sometimes it's really hard to stomach when people basically confirm what you already know, but I do hope you find the strength to address these root problems

Original poster

Overandonefor · 09/10/2021 13:54

@meadowbleu couldnt of eroded it better myself. Honestly I reached out to his parents over the situation as a last resort hoping they could be the voice of reason for me towards their son but they sided with him and reinforced that all of this is okay! I cant believe they are encouraging him to do what's best for himself and not as a father or part of a family. It's just pure selfishness all around because they want us there so of course they wont go against what will work in their favour

OP posts:

Original poster

Overandonefor · 09/10/2021 13:56

Thanks everyone for the advice again. I spoke to dp and aired out my concerns about money. He said once he gets up to date with his payment he will pay me back everything he owes me and help restore my savings. Then he will be able to start paying towards his share of things and I wont have to eat into my savings so much anymore. I'm going to start to actively look for a job. Thanks again. I'm going through a really painful time in life right now, life has been relentless recently. One step at a time.

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 09/10/2021 14:02

That sounds positive @Overandonefor. You just have to hold him to it now.

How about sitting down with him with full disclosure of his debts and his payment plan. All your outgoings etc. and come up with a sensible budget for you both. Lay out how you both see your lives going forward with regard to housing etc. Have a plan you are both working toward so that you don’t have to either nag him or bail him out and he take some responsibility for his finances and life as a parent.

LIZS · 09/10/2021 14:06

If he has accumulating debts it is unlikely he will be in any position to pay you back, soon or longer term. Sorry but this is an empty promise. His family are enabling him and you have normalised a situation which is not for the vast majority, so are under pressure to enable him too. What sacrifices is he willing to make?

KatherineJaneway · 09/10/2021 14:09

Then he will be able to start paying towards his share of things and I wont have to eat into my savings so much anymore.

Yeah, right

Viviennemary · 09/10/2021 14:27

OP seems very silent on the subject of free accommodation courtesy of his parents. I hope they are contributing to bills.

TheWoleb · 09/10/2021 14:36

Of course he said that. But really, open your eyes.
He is getting into more debt, not less. You found out that he missed payments so ended up with more fees, increasing his debt by another few thousand. That will not be the last time.

He will not pay off those debts. He will get into more debt. He will say whatever he has to say to get access to your savings and the money you receive in your benefit claim.

Once the money is gone, there is no legal route for you to get your money back from him.

You will have nothing. Your child is living in poverty, but at least has a mum with a safety net. Very soon, you will have no safety net. Just living in poverty with a deadbeat for a partner.

Right now, you have some money to your name. get out while you can. Listen to the people with experience of men like this. Some reveal it after the children are born, some were like it the entire time. But they do not change.

Get out.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 09/10/2021 14:54

Get your job. I’m sure you’ll get something, even if not your dream job - it’s easier to get a new job when you’re already employed.

Then use your money for yourself. Stop helping him financially, let him get back on his feet himself. If he can’t do it, I’d be gone.

BananaBlue · 09/10/2021 14:57

Sounds difficult, an outsider really I’m his parents house. Never forget that they are not your allies.

I would take him at face value on his promise and expect my money back as a plan B.

While working on my plan A which doesn’t include getting my money back.

Good luck.

ChequerBoard · 09/10/2021 15:02

They are just words OP.

They aren't even pretty words - he's saying leave things as they are until you've paid off my debt and then I will pay you back.

Think - how much debt is he in? How long would it take to actually pay it back? You know he is still He is still adding to his debt. What he has said to reassure you is never going to happen.

You are in a very vulnerable position because you are dependent upon him for the roof over you and your child's head and yet losing the savings you have to pay his debts.

Get some independent advice and support if you can, maybe go and see citizens advice or shelter?

Sandyseagul · 09/10/2021 15:02

Agree with other posters.
Going to a wedding and leaving you and baby at home I don’t think is unreasonable tbh if it’s a one off.

The money situation is a joke and you need to stop paying for anything to do with him, it sounds like you’d be better off financially on your own.

meadowbleu · 09/10/2021 15:18

@Overandonefor

This is your moment to grasp the nettle @Overandonefor and to be in his ear in a positive way, rather than letting him go along with his family's views.

Tell him how difficult things are for both of you and how much you want to help him clear things up so you can both move forward in a positive way. Try and get him to seek advice from Stepchange
www.stepchange.org/how-we-help/debt-advice.aspx convincing him that trying to get on top of his debts hasn't worked well so far and informed, professional help will assist him to achieve it much quicker.

Even if it goes against the grain, because you do know what he's like and what he means in his heart of hearts, remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I wouldn't normally say do it this way, but at the moment you're a team of one and you need to employ your best efforts.

Scardanelli · 09/10/2021 15:23

He said once he gets up to date with his payment he will pay me back everything he owes me and help restore my savings. Then he will be able to start paying towards his share of things and I wont have to eat into my savings so much anymore.

This is rot, OP.

If he were serious, he would have long ago sat down with you and a complete list of his debts and would have drawn up repayment plans. You should never have been paying off his debts. In fact, there would be an argument in favour of you completely taking over the finances of your relationship because he has shown over and over again that he can't be trusted with money.

It's an illness like gambling or alcoholism, and the only thing that will solve it is him taking it seriously and doing whatever it needed to help himself out of it. It doesn't help that his parents are enabling him.

I would also be very tempted to move out with your child (I know you're living with his parents, but that won't be helping the situation) and tell him that you are having some space while he decides whether he is serious or not about settling his debts. If the evidence shows that he's committed to it, you might have a future. But his words mean absolutely nothing.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 16:04

@Overandonefor

If his whole salary is going on debts he's in massive amounts of it and won't be paying it off any time soon...

meadowbleu · 09/10/2021 16:29

If his whole salary is going on debts he's in massive amounts of it and won't be paying it off any time soon

I'd agree, but in the interests of complete fairness to someone who isn't here to speak for himself, we don't know if he's contributing rent and utilities to his parents.

We do know his debts are more than he initially admitted, that he's been taking the OP's money towards servicing them and he's had to borrow the money to go to the wedding, and that he isn't providing for his child, well unless he is paying rent and utilities and that's his contribution.

I can't recall seeing how the debts were accumulated, but get the impression it's just from spending on things he clearly can't afford, not managing, racking up interest and charges etc. which is why the only way he'll change is if he gets educated and informed help. I mean, personally I wouldn't hold my breath, but if the OP can force him into showing willing with Stepchange or similar, it might at least be a start.

DrSbaitso · 09/10/2021 17:13

He said once he gets up to date with his payment he will pay me back everything he owes me and help restore my savings.

Of course he did!

Georgewontsleepnow · 09/10/2021 17:43

Surely you don't believe him??

And how are you protecting your money from him going forwards?

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