Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

Childcare not chicken

What general living expenses are you covering? You're living with his parents.

He's worked out the sums? Forgive me for not trusting him to work out what he can and can't afford.

Hi OP so sorry you are going through all of this with a 9month old baby which should also be his priority as it is yours. I really think this weekend you should use to have a good think about the future while you can clear your head without him around. Financially he is in a very grim place and it will only get worse. I really feel for you as had to leave my ex partner when our baby only a few weeks old. My son is in 20's now and easier to leave when they are young if you are in a dire situation. Have you any family/friends who are there for you as can be very isolating with small baby. I know this is probably not the life you planned with all his debt but you need to think of yourself and the baby as he is very irresponsible and putting his needs before you and the baby's. In other areas of your life together does he treat you well and how is communication. He is hell bent on going and I see why you are totally pissed off as he's just thinking of himself and not taking any responsibility for debts. Seriously have a good long think for yourself as there is help available if you need to leave him. xx

@HalzTangz I never said he was going abroad. I said he was going on a plane which means it an additional cost which he wouldnt of had if the wedding was in england. A cost he can not afford !!!!!!

Ok so you're clearly staying with him and you're clearly not interested in going back to work (you could absolutely afford childcare on two wages and living with family).

Has he looked into consolidating his debts?

You need to have serious conversations about his financial contributions to your family. Don't spend a single penny more of your savings, even on clothes for DS.

Is he SE or part of a family business? A childminder might be cheaper and more flexible and you may be eligible for help towards childcare costs. Have you looked for weekend or evening work yet, even if only in the run up to Christmas.

@girlmom21 - thank you.

Then you need to end the relationship and present to the council as homeless. You could have gone down today and got the ball rolling. The fact your still saying things like we've agreed that we're not putting out daughter into nursery at 3 tells us you don't see yourself leaving.

You know the situation is getting no better so why would you not make the tough choice now whilst it's less of an upheaval on your daughter than in 2, 3 or 4 years time when she's more aware of what's going on and will likely have to move schools when you are rehoused.

Also it's worth considering what happens when you stop paying for everything and he then decides to kick you and your daughter out. Which he probably will because it's blatantly obvious he doesn't care about you both he just cares about the money. Would it not be better to leave on your own terms and with everything in order than wait for the inevitable to happen one day.

Hi op sent you a message with some info which may help

Depending on how low your income is UC will pay 85% of childcare cost, in addition to normal UC payments.

OP your situation sounds awful, unstable. Chances are once your savings are all gone and he loses his cash cow, things will get worse and you’ll be stuck.

Even if you don’t make moves today, you should start future planning as this doesn’t sustainable. I vaguely remember reading a similar post a while back and if you are the same poster this relationship won’t last.

You are also missing out on the pleasures of new motherhood due to DP, his family and money issues being in the background. How happy are you?

Also it's worth considering what happens when you stop paying for everything and he then decides to kick you and your daughter out. Which he probably will because it's blatantly obvious he doesn't care about you both he just cares about the money.

Or worse decides to kick out op but keep the baby, as .i fear he may have previously. Do you drive, can you leave while he is away?

[quote Overandonefor]**@HalzTangz* I never said he was going abroad. I said he was going on a plane* which means it an additional cost which he wouldnt of had if the wedding was in england. A cost he can not afford !!!!!![/quote]

That's not logical thinking either. Flights to Scotland from England are often less than the cost of train ticket e.g. from London to Manchester.

Do you have processing issues? You seem to have a rather strange take on your issues in a lot of your posts.

OP, because you have no power atm (living with his family, and no other support), forget about the wedding. Use the time he's away to research options to leave, and what you could in the meantime to secure your finances. Because you can't trust at all that he will not just wrack up more debt and leave you to sort it, or you risk ending up homeless, no car etc.

He's a total gobshite for putting you and his child in this financial mess. But you know this. So do whatever you can, talk to agencies or people who may be able to help you. You'll likely get more support as a single mother than with his piece of shit tied around your neck.

I'm really sorry you are in this position. But at least you are young, have your own money and a career to go back to. Definitely see if you can go back to work PT or in a job where you can wfh too.

Good luck! But LTB.

OP your posts are confusing.

In one post you say you have no family or friends that can help you.

In another post you say you have family (parents that work full time). Could you not move back home with your parents?

[quote Overandonefor]**@HalzTangz* I never said he was going abroad. I said he was going on a plane* which means it an additional cost which he wouldnt of had if the wedding was in england. A cost he can not afford !!!!!![/quote]
You actually said he's going to another country. He's staying in the United Kingdom taking a domestic flight

[quote Overandonefor]**@HalzTangz* I never said he was going abroad. I said he was going on a plane* which means it an additional cost which he wouldnt of had if the wedding was in england. A cost he can not afford !!!!!![/quote]
I love in Leicestershire, a weekend flight for me to Scotland is £90.

I travelled by train to London today, the return ticket was £148..

Your thinking is bonkers.

It is very rare that I think it's good to have children whilst being unmarried, but I think it's a blessing in this case.

OP, I hope you are still reading, as there is a definite theme here, and it's nothing to do with weddings.

[quote Overandonefor]**@HalzTangz* I never said he was going abroad. I said he was going on a plane* which means it an additional cost which he wouldnt of had if the wedding was in england. A cost he can not afford !!!!!![/quote]
Flights to Scotland are less than my train fare to London.

It doesn't matter what other things cost more, thd point is they can't afford it and he still lied to OP to get the money.

That CANNOT be real ffs lol

@HalzTangz and when you owe thousands of pounds that is a crazy amount of money! He cant contribute for a weekly shop which that is double the amount of! Jesus get lost.

I said I have no family that can help! That is true. Read my bloody updates instead of twisting my words. Its becoming exasperating having to repeat and defend myself because others cant be bothered to read. My parents both live in 1 bedroom box flats. They are not allowed to have anyone else on their tenancy. They both work fulltime and struggle financially. So no. They cannot help me. If I burden myself onto them I'll be putting them in a worse predicament @HalzTangz

@DrSbaitso

It doesn't matter what other things cost more, thd point is they can't afford it and he still lied to OP to get the money.

That isn't the point people are making - it's another example of OPs skewed thinking. It's not that he's leaving her & baby at home to go to a family wedding or the fact he's taking a flight that the issue, it's ongoing, sustained financial abuse.

I'm still not sure to be totally honest why you didn't take the very good advice of ending the relationship today, going to the council and presenting as homeless.

No one can help you if you're not going to try and help yourself.

I feel badly for you. You're in a stressful situation. Your partner sounds like he will suck you dry. If I were you, I would make plans to leave within next few months. Benefits exist to help mothers like you who are in financially abusive relationships and need to get out.

(I know it sounds dramatic to call it financial abuse, but I think it is if he's expecting you to pay his way in the world to the detriment of you and his child.)

Thank God you're young and unmarried and not liable for his debts.