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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 19:48

Please answer the question of what happens when your money runs out @Overandonefor

Do you all just stop eating and clothing your DS?

LIZS · 08/10/2021 19:50

Do you have anyone impartial you could discuss the situation with, a friend, parent, CAB adviser, doctor, Womens Aid? Your mh has been affected to such a degree that you cannot get a perspective on the real issues , let alone find solutions

woohoo54 · 08/10/2021 19:51

He sounds like a child rather than a partner, he'll obviously be spending lots when he gets there. He either needs to start acting like a grown up and budgeting or you leave him. He's treating you like his atm

ThreeLittleDots · 08/10/2021 19:53

I hope you're ok Overandonefor, people seem to be quite aggressively trying to rile you up / dig you out here and it's not nice

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 19:54

@girlmom21

Please answer the question of what happens when your money runs out *@Overandonefor*

Do you all just stop eating and clothing your DS?

He will most likely kick them out and the OP will be exactly the same situation of presenting to the council as homeless but she won't have had the ability to plan for it or do it her way, her child will be older and possibly settled in school or nursery so will have more upheavel and she won't have any savings to her name.
Nocutenamesleft · 08/10/2021 19:56

@Overandonefor

I feel like people are misunderstanding me. I am not actively choosing to not put dc in nursery I CANNOT AFFORD TO.

Both me and dp have worked it out and it actually costs me more to put her in nursery because then not only would I have to be covering our general living expenses but I'd also have to pay for chicken. So there is no point. We are going to wait until she is 3 as we will then be eligible for 30 hrs childcare and I can get a weekend job in the meantime.

And yes I have parents I never said I didnt but they cannot help me! They dont live together and have their own financial struggles. They rent both 1 bedroom apartments which would not allow for a baby nor another tenant on a lease. To sit back and say I'm just simy doing nothing is bs and I'm not having it. I have tried, but effectively am ahundred percent alone in this and have no where else to go. As I said I've tried private renting and have been constantly denied because I'm on benefits. It doesnt matter that I have savings and can afford the depoist upfront, I have tried to reach out to landlords with this, they DONT care. I have a strong suspicion its because of where I live. They're isnt much on the market so landlords have the choice to be picky

What do single parents do then?

My friend was thrown into being a single mum. She had to do it. Whether or not she wanted too

The government will pay for a nursery or childminder. You have to find the first month. But like my friend who went weeks eating beans so she could afford the first month. Sometimes you gotta suck it up.

You REALLY need to get a job. Whatever happens. If you stay. You need a job. If you don’t. You need a job.

LittleBearPad · 08/10/2021 20:04

The wedding is neither here nor there.

The issue OP is you are continuing to choose to remain with this man. Leave him and get a job - you’ll be better off. Not to begin with maybe - it will be very hard - but in the future when you no longer have to support the lead weight you’ve burdened yourself with.

Blossomtoes · 08/10/2021 20:06

As I said I've tried private renting and have been constantly denied because I'm on benefits.

That’s illegal now.

Nayday · 08/10/2021 20:10

There are 2 issues here, going to a wedding alone, not being able to afford to go to the wedding.

YABU - re the principle of 'D'P going to a wedding without you - the extra expense, travel and hassle of taking a 9 mo etc - many would do the same

However YANBU that you/your partner can't afford this trip. Your partner is in debt - and worse lied to you to get money to fund this trip (which he promised he wouldn't do).

This is one of those AIBU's that is the equivalent of asking whether the cushions match - oh and by the way the house is on fire.

Your partner is literally draining your resources if he's managing to earn, and eat into your savings. They'll always be another Thing for him to spank money on until you both get in the same place on how to resolve it. This is fundamental really.

BoredZelda · 08/10/2021 20:13

I dont feel comfortable putting my baby into a nursery so young!

I don’t think you have the luxury of holding such a judgement given your financial situation.

Guess my point is if it was a wedding in the country I would understand more. The fact that he is going away on a plane is crazy to me

It’s Scotland, not exactly a massive distance to travel. If flying, why does it need a 3 day stay?

ChequerBoard · 08/10/2021 20:14

You clearly know things aren't right OP.

What do you want to do, how do you want to live? Maybe think about setting yourself some goals and then see if posters can help you come up with a plan to get there.

You need to see past continuing to be this man's personal debt clearing service. That has to stop.

CaptSkippy · 08/10/2021 20:18

OP, I hope you are not married to him. Because in that case you'll be responsible for the debt he acrues as well as he is.

In your case I'll leave him as quickly as possible, because he is ruining your family financially. Each day you stay with him, this will get worse.

puddlebubble · 08/10/2021 20:37

what does he earn?
where does the money go, can you break it down?
do you pay his parents rent?
do they subsidise the two of you?
what happens when your savings run out?
does he cover any outgoings per week?
do his parents charge you for bills?

I think you are as bad as him. You cannot afford to be a SAHM. You quit a job with no other job to go to. You want to wait another 2 years to look for work. You have been offered advice on how to afford childcare but the simple fact is you just don’t want to work.

Brefugee · 08/10/2021 20:49

I dont feel comfortable putting my baby into a nursery so young!

frankly? Beggars can't be choosers.

sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 21:03

@Overandonefor I think what most pop’s are saying is that his behaviour shows very clearly he is not capable of being responsible as a parent, or as a partner to you. The fact you aren’t married is a big positive for you! In all honesty if you are supporting him financially from your savings; you might be financially better off without him. He is not treating you as his partner.. I get the impression you don’t see that from his behaviour. It’s not about the wedding, that is just one example of poor behaviour from him but your op suggests this is regular & that’s why most responses are saying you should leave. If you aren’t married, could you kick him out? And you & dc stay where you are? It sounds like you’re very unhappy in this situation and rightfully so as you are being disrespected and treated terribly. Xo

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/10/2021 21:09

If you live with his parents are they able to help with any childcare if you found a job?

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2021 21:20

OP I think most of us are just worried for your predicament and that of your DC.

You seem to be fixating on minor stuff whilst ignoring the absolute chaos of this relationship.

You and your partner need to be absolutely transparent on the following:
How much is he being paid per month?
How much debt is he in?
How much debt is he paying back per month?
Has he got a debt plan?
Are you paying rent to his mum and dad?

If you can't have a sensible discussion about the above - seriously, what is the point in continuing in this relationship?

GettingItOutThere · 08/10/2021 21:27

[quote Overandonefor]@RedToothBrush but that is the thing he doesnt have the finances for even going on his own! He has just found out he is behind in another massive payment and now owes a couple more thousand onto his already growing debt[/quote]
do not marry him

do not buy a house with him

Do make plans to leave him. The wedding is the least of your issues. This man sounds awful.

Stop paying his debt!

aloris · 08/10/2021 22:15

Ok, if you are living with his parents that changes things significantly. It puts you in a very awkward position financially as they can throw you out if they disagree with your financial choices. Are you worried that if you stop giving him money from your savings, they will kick you out?

I can see that, if you feel you have no other options for a place to live with your baby, it would be very difficult to stop thinking of him as your partner and start thinking of him as a selfish person who is using you as a cash cow.

You said that he works but does not contribute to your joint expenses such as food and clothing. Where does his income go?

Do YOU get enough to eat? Do YOU have sufficient warm clothes for winter? Shoes without holes in the soles? Medicines when necessary? It is not right or sustainable for you to "go without" so that you can support both him and the baby.

The problem with your current situation is that if you allow him to bleed your entire savings dry, then you really will have no options other than those he and his parents choose to give you. What if you yourself have to go into debt to feed you and the baby? What if you have to borrow money from his parents to feed yourselves? So far, going by what you have posted, the track record on how they treat you is not looking great. I am not optimistic about how fairly you'll be treated in future if you stay. Does he know how much you have in savings? Does he have access to your mail, banking details etc? You may want to see if you can change those so that he no longer has access. Is it possible you can stop subsidising his food etcetera, by saying that you have run out of money?

I am worried about what happens to you if you become pregnant again. It will increase the financial burden on you, make it harder for you to go back to work, and more difficult to leave. Do you feel that you have sufficient empowerment in this relationship to NOT get pregnant again (bearing in mind that contraception is never 100% effective)? In other words, do you feel free to say "no"? Or do you get punished if you say "no"?

I'm very worried about you. Hugs for you, hope you can find some resources you can access to help you get out of this situation.

ChristmasPlanning · 08/10/2021 22:35

I remember your last thread. He is selfish and irresponsible

FrozenoutofCostco · 08/10/2021 22:45

*Low and behold

Sorry, but I couldn't ignore that one

Anonymous48 · 08/10/2021 22:59

Well obviously the real problem is the money issue.

But if you did have the money, why would him going away for a weekend be an issue? Surely you can take care of your baby by yourself.

takealettermsjones · 09/10/2021 00:23

@FrozenoutofCostco It's lo and behold.

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2021 01:13

Thos is my first ltb. The money issues wont change with him. He uses you as a cash cow and show you no respect by not discussing anyhtong with you or just lying.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2021 03:07

@Overandonefor - ok, so your parents aren't in any position to help or house you.

The landlords you've reached out to may not be ABLE to help you - lots of mortgage companies refuse to allow tenants that are in receipt of DSS funding/housing benefit (whatever it's called these days) and an owner who goes against this can be considered in default of their mortgage agreement, which can have severe consequences. I know this because I had this experience when I first rented my house out.

Do you WANT to stay with him?