Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

@Overandonefor

Thanks everyone for the advice again. I spoke to dp and aired out my concerns about money. He said once he gets up to date with his payment he will pay me back everything he owes me and help restore my savings. Then he will be able to start paying towards his share of things and I wont have to eat into my savings so much anymore. I'm going to start to actively look for a job. Thanks again. I'm going through a really painful time in life right now, life has been relentless recently. One step at a time.

Good luck with that.

@Viviennemary @meadowbleu I didnt mean to go silent on the subject didnt see anyone ask - no he does not contribute anything rent wise. The plan between him and his parents was to help out with rent however he had been in and out of employment for a while and couldnt afford to. I know a big flaw of my dp is that he has never had a responsibility in his life before me and dc came along, and even though he was meant to help his parents out they never held him to that. Honestly he really can do no wrong for them. Its difficult because I know when they moved to their current house it was all under the pretence that dp would contribute otherwise they woudlnt be able to afford it. And I know how much they are now struggling financially, which was another reason why when dp tired to reassure me the wedding expenses would come from his parents I was shocked he could do that to them and not feel some type of way about it. But apparently they want him to go so as they said I shouldnt feel bad about borrowing lent money.

In terms of myself no I do not contribute and I feel horrible for it. I try to help out as much as I can around the house and offer things. But financially I simply cannot when I've been supporting dp, dc an myself!

Personally I say use the time his gone to change the locks. His fleecing you dry and showing no signs of changing or responsibity for his child. He sounds selfish and I doubt that's going to change anytime soon. Either it's time to call it quits or accept this is life from now on.... Being treated like a doormat. You deserve better and need to show your child its not OK to treat you this way.

@FortniteBoysMum

Personally I say use the time his gone to change the locks. His fleecing you dry and showing no signs of changing or responsibity for his child. He sounds selfish and I doubt that's going to change anytime soon. Either it's time to call it quits or accept this is life from now on.... Being treated like a doormat. You deserve better and need to show your child its not OK to treat you this way.

How can she change the locks when she is living in his parents house??

Baby is 9 months old not 9 days old - total non issue.

The fact he’s terrible with money, has lied to you and appears to be an all round tosser? That’s a big issue.

. We both decided since dp has the debts he needs to work and also he is the higher earner (not that it matters because we dont see any of the income).
You must stop seeing you and this loser as a team. You’re not a team, he does nothing for you and expects you to spend savings on him. You’re losing your savings by spending it on him every time you shop for food. Him having a job means absolutely no benefit for you and baby, it’s even less use to you than some random bloke down the street having a job as you don’t buy food for random bloke. By Do you contribute to bills and rent at his parents house where you live? Stop. Say you gave him all the rest of the money you had for those for the wedding and he will hen to pay them now. It’s ok to say no to sow don’t savings. He thinks you’re a free bank becasue there is money there. When people are comfortably well off they often discuss going out or buying something and say I can’t/I’m broke. They might have 50,000 sitting in the bank but it’s not money to spend on random stuff, they simply treat it as unavailable. So no, you don’t have the money for his food or bills.
I do think your best bet is to present as homeless, you and your child need to escape this situation before your savings are gone and you don’t have deposit money. To consider all the options, if you got a Saturday job could you walk out and leave baby for a few hours? Just to have something? You cannot just wait until you get the 30 free hours, you need to stop thinking that way.

I and many others said similar earlier but your most recent post confirms it you're just buying your head in the sand.

You know rationally he's never going to change and you must realise that he's going to bleed you dry and leave you once you have no more money. Once upon a time he might have truly loved you but now honestly he only sees you as a cash machine.

It's horrible to hear and I'm probably being more blunt than necessary but this will end with you and your child left with nothing whilst he stays in his parents home and never faces any consequences. You're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think it's going to magically get better.

Get yourself and your child out before it's too late.

Op it appears you know he is a shit, but have no intention of leaving him.

You pay no rent but all his wage goes on debt? And he is borrowing more. And not upto date on the payments.

He isn't going to change. You are moaning, but by staying with him your are signing up for a lifetime of this.

You say its doesn't impact your child. It does. They pick up on adults feelings. And your savings won't last forever, what's you plan then?

It awful to be stuck in a shit relationship. It really is. But you have the money to get out. And support you and your child.

If you have the savings to support all 3 of you (though it doesn't appear you really are, his parents are doing most of it) for an indefinite period AND you have enough that there's no financial impact on your daughter....then you have enough to choose to move.

If you stay, it's a choice to stay. You may feel you are choosing between 2 shit things. Either stay in the situation or be a single parent. And to some degree it is. However, I can te you its easier to be a single parent than it is to be in a couple with someone who is going to bleed you dry.

I feel horrible saying it, but very often, when a woman says she can't leave because of the kids, she can leave but she's using the kids as an excuse not to.

He is the child that never grew up, has his parents saving his adult arse while causing his partner and child immense stress.

This situation is awful.

Both of you need a secure job, neither of you have the upper hand, you can sink with him or get out of there, right now your on par.
His poor parents dealing with this.

He agrees things with his parents then goes against them.

What makes you think he will stick to his agreement with you to pay you back?
How is he going to do this when he’s getting further into debt?

The most likely scenario is he will get really nasty over it, you will back down and continue to stay with him as by then you’ll feel even more trapped with zero savings.

He said exactly what he needed to say to keep your money flowing. Talk is cheap op. Talk is cheap.

[quote Overandonefor]**@Viviennemary* @meadowbleu* I didnt mean to go silent on the subject didnt see anyone ask - no he does not contribute anything rent wise. The plan between him and his parents was to help out with rent however he had been in and out of employment for a while and couldnt afford to. I know a big flaw of my dp is that he has never had a responsibility in his life before me and dc came along, and even though he was meant to help his parents out they never held him to that. Honestly he really can do no wrong for them. Its difficult because I know when they moved to their current house it was all under the pretence that dp would contribute otherwise they woudlnt be able to afford it. And I know how much they are now struggling financially, which was another reason why when dp tired to reassure me the wedding expenses would come from his parents I was shocked he could do that to them and not feel some type of way about it. But apparently they want him to go so as they said I shouldnt feel bad about borrowing lent money.

In terms of myself no I do not contribute and I feel horrible for it. I try to help out as much as I can around the house and offer things. But financially I simply cannot when I've been supporting dp, dc an myself![/quote]
@Overandonefor this makes it even worse. So he's promised you he will pay off all the debt & replenish your savings. This sounds impossible given he has no plans for how he will do this.

Also not only is he financially abusing you, he has also completely let down his parents with broken promises to them off paying rent. Even if his parents offered him the money for the wedding he should never have taken it as he's in huge amounts of debt to you, other companies and now his parents! He is completely selfish and irresponsible.

He should be getting a new job/ a second job/dealing with Step Change. Instead his priority is attending a wedding

Please please please reconsider. This is not s partnership. You and your DC deserve better.

The money is the issue not the wedding

The extra costs to his parents with an additional 3 people are terrible as they're already struggling.
Forgetting the rent the utility bills soar too, food shopping bill increases.
You both moved in with the promise of sorting yourselves out.
You need a job too.
The pair of you are irresponsible freeloaders.
I didn't want to return to work when DS was 5 months I had too, maternity leave wasn't covering the outgoings.

Do pils work? Has p grown up in a culture of borrowing to pay back previous loans? How are pils affording the property if you are not contributing? He is using you to fund his lifestyle, however extravagant or frugal.

This is financial and emotional abuse OP, while he is away change the locks.

You do need to LTB. Then claim maintenance; this is the only way you’ll ever see a penny from this wonderful person you chose to have a child with.

Use the savings for a deposit for the smallest cheapest flat you can find. Then get a job asap. Any job. Or two.

And get some childcare. Being “uncomfortable about putting him into nursery” is a luxury most of us don’t have, including you.

Wake up to the mess that you’ve made and the horrible situation your child will be in in a few months when your savings run out, instead of focusing on a total non issue and moaning about having to do childcare for one long weekend.

Stop the wedding arrangements

Your Dp may or may not pay you back but he is a financial liability not a help. He has shown you what his priority is - himself. Not baby , not you, not his little family. You will regret marrying such a self centred irresponsible man )or staying with him much longer).

Make your plan to leave in the future - lockdown is ended and forms are recruiting again. You can do evening shifts to get back into working without even needing childcare as you have DP

You have no local friends& family? Make some!! Be sociable. Some of my old NDNs are like family to us now and have been known as Auntie X and Uncle Y to my DCs for all their lives and we haven't lived next door to them for 15 years ..

If you have Netflix, watch Maid. It’s relevant to your situation.

You can do much better than this OP - for you and your child. If you marry this loser, you’re agreeing to a miserable life.

Get out now, get a job, get to a state of financial independence and give you and your son the best life you can. This isn’t it.

OP - you say that none of this affects your DC. Of course it does. You have a toxic relationship (which won’t last unless things change dramatically). You live with and plan to marry a man child that hasn’t learned to adult. That’s not a good environment for DC to grow up in.

Honestly, get out now.

I meant stop your wedding arrangements to marry this selfish man

Not stop his arrangements to attend a ransoms wedding a flight away and spend money to increase his debt ... he'll do that anyway as he prioritirises himself and his wants over essential stuff like food and clothes for you and your baby

This is your line drawn - you'll be leaving him at some point in future and not marrying him - so cancel arrangements you made and get deposit is back on your proposed wedding

@sashh

This is financial and emotional abuse OP, while he is away change the locks.

Op can't , they live in house rented by pils.

Op have you ever lived independently with p, or did you move straight in. Where did you move straight in?

Honestly think of the relief of not being tied to him anymore.

You are right. How many times do you have to be right to give you confidence to leave and make yourself happy.

You are spending your only escape money.

Is he a gambler?
How is 100% of his earnings going on debts?
Has he gone to a professional money management company?
He can't be trusted with money.

And think REALLY CAREFULLY about what will happen when your savings run out, which they will. Who will buy your DC clothes then? And what if the PILs / DP kick you out then? You need to prepare for that situation NOW.

The “serious chat” you had with DP and the promises he made are laughable.