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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boy wearing pink shoes

131 replies

bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 10:36

My son is 3 and very much influenced by his big sister. He's never been told 'boys like blue and girls like pink' so he, quite rightly, assumes all clothing and shoes are freely used by all genders. He loves ballet tutus and flowery tops just as much as he loves dinosaur wellies and monster truck jumpers.
Recently he's acquired a pair of pink sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes which his sister grew out of last year. He has asked several times to wear them to nursery which we've allowed him to do without hesitation.

This morning my daughter tells me 'a girl at nursery was laughing because she said my brother was wearing my shoes' and it's broken my heart. Although these were his sisters shoes I'm 100% confident this comment is based on the fact that they are pink and not because she's seen my daughter wearing them- don't imagine a 4 year old would remember the footwear of her classmate 1 year on.

Some of my most traumatic memories as a child were being laughed at by other kids and I despise that this has happened to my child. In honesty, he has not seemed bothered by this and is quite happily wearing the shoes to nursery today, however AIBU for not safeguarding him from peer ridicule by letting him think that it's not 'different' for boys to wear 'girls' shoes?
Or alternatively, AIBU by overreacting to one comment?

OP posts:

lughnasadh · 07/10/2021 10:40

Let him wear what he wants, you're totally overthinking it. Loads of boys are in funky keggings with jumpers and shoes and boots in all colours.

And 'safeguarding' is a ridiculous word to use in this context.

Joystir59 · 07/10/2021 10:45

Stop projecting pain from your childhood experiences onto him. Instead work at building his resilience, and empowering him in his own sense of self and comfortability in his own skin. So that he continues to be able to shrug off being laughed at.

Fluffypastelslippers · 07/10/2021 10:45

@lughnasadh

Let him wear what he wants, you're totally overthinking it. Loads of boys are in funky keggings with jumpers and shoes and boots in all colours.

And 'safeguarding' is a ridiculous word to use in this context.

This.

Comedycook · 07/10/2021 10:47

In theory, he should be able to wear what he wants. No child should be making fun or mocking another.

In practice, surely you must have known this would have happened?

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 10:49

Was he upset by the comment?
I'd say there's actually a good chance her classmate does remember her shoes from a year ago.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 10:49

@Comedycook

In theory, he should be able to wear what he wants. No child should be making fun or mocking another.

In practice, surely you must have known this would have happened?

This ^^

You've got 2 choices.

Either toughen up and stop projecting, or encourage him to wear other shoes.

But the one thing you cannot do, is police other children's thoughts and children aren't exactly known for keeping their thoughts to themselves.

Draggondragon · 07/10/2021 10:50

It's his decision and he needs to know what the world is like, rightly or wrongly. He can wear what he wants and if that means a sudden phase of 'boy' stuff so be it as much as if he decides to wear pink. He will work it out. Agree about projection, that's what will affe t him in this scenario. Don't be heartbroken, life is tough for kids and you have to let them make their own way, to an extent obvs.

DeepaBeesKit · 07/10/2021 10:50

I would add that some 4 year olds will absolutely remember clothing. I handed a bag of my sons old things to a friend for her younger child. The next time we saw them he wearing something he commented "I used to wear that jumper!" He hadnt worn it in at least 18m

always2tired · 07/10/2021 10:51

Why are you shocked? Surly you know this would of happened sooner or later. If you felt so strongly about it that your heartbroken maybe don't let him wear them in public. Your son doesn't seem to care so just let him carry on wearing what he wants. Im sorry but It's not about you.

ditalini · 07/10/2021 10:51

I'd have a quiet word with the nursery about reminding the children that you don't point and laugh at other children about their appearance and that boys and girls can both wear whatever they like.

Little children will do this and it's adults' job to teach them to be open to others who are different to them.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 07/10/2021 10:52

I think if you are going to put them on him you have to be prepared at people laughing or finding if odd, my son got laughed at for not having Nike trainers the other day 😑

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 10:52

And you're concentrating on the wrong child here.

Your DS wasn't bothered but your DD was, so you'll need to teach her about resilience in this case.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 10:53

Our 18 year old son has just bought some pink converse.

Let him wear what he likes to nursery. Some days our son was sportacus, some days he was Stephanie or a combination of both.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 10:55

eepaBeesKit

Aw, did he think he wore bespoke clothing

ditalini · 07/10/2021 10:55

But the one thing you cannot do, is police other children's thoughts and children aren't exactly known for keeping their thoughts to themselves.

Well no, you can't police others' thoughts, but we don't ignore children opening their mouths and letting their bellies rumble about other differences "X has got a funny lip - ha ha they look strange", "Y has got two mummies - ha ha that's silly", "Z always comes to nursery with holes in their trousers - ha ha you don't have any new clothes".

Obviously it's very minor compared to the above, but it's just as ignorant a comment and it does no harm to question rather than just letting it go.

milkytwilightt · 07/10/2021 10:57

If he isn’t upset by it then let him carry on wearing what he wants. If he is upset then explain that some people think pink is for girls but he can wear what he wants

flippertyop · 07/10/2021 10:59

Firstly / little girls do remember who has sparky lellie Kellies they are heavily advertised and the toddler equivalent of a Chanel bag and secondly if you are that sensitive to peoples opinions why did you let him go out in them? Obviously people will comment because it's out of the norm. Same as if you sent him or any child in with a face full of make up. I don't know what you expected. I don't know anyone who hasn't had a child say somethjng about an adult that has made them cringe at some point. If you are going to buck the trend and stand out from the crowd you need to have a bit of backbone to cope with the fall out. I do agree that the nursery can maybe talk to the kids but you will get the same reaction if you take him into Tesco's in a Tutu and pink shoes

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 10:59

@ditalini

But the one thing you cannot do, is police other children's thoughts and children aren't exactly known for keeping their thoughts to themselves.

Obviously it's very minor compared to the above, but it's just as ignorant a comment and it does no harm to question rather than just letting it go.

Where did I say it shouldn't be questioned?

The OP is an adult, her child is not. She knew there was a chance of this happening and he didn't.

Yes, teasing should be tackled and reported (that much is obvious) but ultimately because the OP can't police other children's thoughts, she needs to stop letting comments about his pink, sparkly shoes 'break her heart'.

DeepaBeesKit · 07/10/2021 11:00

Is your son even bothered that anyone laughed?

Teach him to shrug it off. But be aware that the vast majority of people tend to stick to either rather gender stereotyped or neutral clothing options and children who stick out will face questions.

By age 4 as well children do notice the biological differences eg that girls don't have penises and they do begin to somewhat categorise - i assume it's part of their self awareness developing.

While a person of either sex can wear whatever they want, boys and girls are different.

It is important for a child to be clear about what biological sex they are, otherwise they get very confused about the realities - my son asked if one day he would have a baby inside his tummy and I explained only women do that.

Young children don't understand gender. You are simply a boy if you have a penis and a girl if you don't. They will usually see girls in pink sparkly shoes so will be confused by a boy wearing them.

AllieTM · 07/10/2021 11:02

I experienced similar with my youngest son. I explained to him that boys and girls can wear whatever they like etc but some people don’t understand that and have different ideas.

I mentioned it to the teacher and she did a PHSE session on it with the class and haven’t had any issues since.

I don’t think you can control other children’s thoughts but I certainly think you can talk to them about why colours/clothes etc are for everyone and about not being unkind to oh her children.

Comedycook · 07/10/2021 11:03

girls do remember who has sparky lellie Kellies they are heavily advertised and the toddler equivalent of a Chanel bag

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 11:03

Young children don't understand gender. You are simply a boy if you have a penis and a girl if you don't. They will usually see girls in pink sparkly shoes so will be confused by a boy wearing them“

Completely disagree. Adult kids, 26 and 18.
They went to nursery with kids who pitched up in all manner of outfits, boys with painted fingernails, wearing their sisters dressing up heels. Girls in Spider-Man and Bob the builder outfits. In my experience, children don’t stereotype at all. Anything goes (unless they’re influenced by parents with rigid ideas).

always2tired · 07/10/2021 11:08

Firstly / little girls do remember who has sparky lellie Kellies they are heavily advertised and the toddler equivalent of a Chanel bag

This 💯 my daughter had them and all the girls commented on them.

Original poster

bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 11:11

Didn't realise Lelli Kellis were so coveted within the toddler community!

OP posts:

godmum56 · 07/10/2021 11:12

@ditalini

But the one thing you cannot do, is police other children's thoughts and children aren't exactly known for keeping their thoughts to themselves.

Obviously it's very minor compared to the above, but it's just as ignorant a comment and it does no harm to question rather than just letting it go.

yup, this. The nursery should be supporting good manners which personal comments are NOT. many many years ago our cast off clothes went to our local church for sharing among the very poor in the area. We all went to the same primary school and I knew from a very young age not to comment if I saw someone wearing my or my sister's old clothes or shoes.

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