Boy wearing pink shoes

[bruntontrex]

My son is 3 and very much influenced by his big sister. He's never been told 'boys like blue and girls like pink' so he, quite rightly, assumes all clothing and shoes are freely used by all genders. He loves ballet tutus and flowery tops just as much as he loves dinosaur wellies and monster truck jumpers.
Recently he's acquired a pair of pink sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes which his sister grew out of last year. He has asked several times to wear them to nursery which we've allowed him to do without hesitation.

This morning my daughter tells me 'a girl at nursery was laughing because she said my brother was wearing my shoes' and it's broken my heart. Although these were his sisters shoes I'm 100% confident this comment is based on the fact that they are pink and not because she's seen my daughter wearing them- don't imagine a 4 year old would remember the footwear of her classmate 1 year on.

Some of my most traumatic memories as a child were being laughed at by other kids and I despise that this has happened to my child. In honesty, he has not seemed bothered by this and is quite happily wearing the shoes to nursery today, however AIBU for not safeguarding him from peer ridicule by letting him think that it's not 'different' for boys to wear 'girls' shoes?
Or alternatively, AIBU by overreacting to one comment?

The boy in question is 3 years old - at that age, as long, as he can play, run and just have fun with hid friends', who cares what he is wearing. We are not talking about a teenage boy making a statement by wearing a pink tutu to school.

If he is not bothered, you are not traumatising him by letting him have some pink sparkles in his life!

[quote gogohm]@frumpety

True, my dp has pink shirts, flowery shirts etc for work, the kind you pair with ties (well he doesn't general wear one but the style).

But for some reason there's this demarcation of boys and girls clothes pre teenage at least (I've seen teen boys in pink non feminine clothes). That said for nursery I would put mine in £5 trainers because they got wrecked![/quote]
This gets to the heart of the issue. I have never in my life experienced r seen any issues when girls wear “boy” clothes unless it’s the school uniform police teachers. Girls can get away with wearing and styling in more traditional boy colours and clothes very easily. The word “tomboy” doesn’t get used now, but was applied to many girls when I was young including me- I had very short hair and didn’t like skirts.
Boys have always been picked up on wearing feminine perceived clothes from being small babies to young adulthood. I think it is a fear of boys being “feminised” and it’s old association with begging gay and all the bigotry and fear that came with it. Many parents want to send the clear message “my boy is a “normal” (e.g heterosexual) boy” . Boys have been called derogatory names since forever like “cissy”.
Once boys grow up, come out of parenteral control and most importantly establish their own sexuality they are them more likely to step outside the stereotypes.
I do see a link between the rise of floral/pink shirts for men happening at the same time as being homosexual is no big deal and legal. Adult men comfortable in their own skin aren’t phased now by even someone maybe thinking theyre gay even if they’re not- they have polite responses they give (as do women) to put the record straight if approached by someone of a different sex than where their attraction lies.
However, I suspect some of those same men sporting floral or pink shirts would still baulk at the idea of allowing their own son into school in a pink shirt - it is about having some control over peoples perceptions when the person wearing the clothes is perceived to have no capability to do that for themselves. I suggest a lot 9f the “policing” of women’s clothes comes from that same fear- and the belief that woman can’t protect themselves from the risk the controlling individual perceives that comes from wearing a short skirt etc.

I have not expressed any form of heartbreak to my child or reacted emotionally to something like this in front of him. I do feel very sad that at 3 he's already in a situation where someone has laughed at him for the shoes he's picked for himself but I am a sensitive person. I have not outwardly expressed this sadness. I had already started work and they were in a rush to get out the door when she said it. I didn't know what to say exactly so we brushed past it.
He's my little boy, I naturally want the best for him. Purpose of my post is to hear differing opinions to find out where that best for him will lie.

OP, just a thought - big sisters (and their friends) often find little brothers cute and funny, so quite possibly the comment was simply an indication of this attitude.

Kinda laughing in a way that women tend to affectionately laugh at men, when they are doing something a bit silly.

The problem is with the other kid, not with your son. Let him wear whatever he wants.

DS regularly wore a Tinkerbell dress to preschool as well as lots of hand me downs from his dsis. He's a 10yr old now and obviously at primary and he still wears pink trainers, a cardigan (traditionally, girls wear cardigans, boys wear jumpers) and has long hair. He also likes jewellery when at home. They're free choices he has made.

Does it cause any issues? Yes actually. Some children, usually girls IME, tell him he's dressed like a girl and he has had to consider whether to change his choices but ultimately, the same girls make comments irrespective of what a child is wearing and he says his comfort is worth more than their opinions. DD, who is 14 with a shaved head and wears the boys' uniform, has had similar comments and for a while, grew her hair and tried wearing a school skirt. Didn't last long, she hated it and her friends never judged her so she reverted to type.

Happily, 3 other boys in the school have started wearing cardigans this year and their Mums all said they hadn't even thought of it until DS did it. They all find them more comfortable and less stifling which is precisely why DS wears one.

@DizzyLollipop82

I'm sorry? Can we live in the real world here, kids are cruel, and they're picking on a boy wearing girls shoes. Simple. I would never allow my son to wear pink shoes or a sparkly dress. It's only recently this has become a thing to allow boys and girls wear what they want, but come on I actually think you're being quite cruel in allowing your son to wear girl things. Sorry but that's my opinion..Let all the snowflakes who are offended by everything unleash :-)

It seems you're the snowflake here.

It gets easier as they get older and can assert their own likes and put-downs more easily.

My 8yo recently wore some multi-coloured leggings that feature neon pink, pretty practical in the world of sportswear. He got a stupid comment about them and we just pointed out that he runs fast in them.

About 5 is the hardest age. DS1 was put off some things like blue finger nails because of silly sexist comments from classmates. At 10, for a number of years he's been able to correct people who can't quietly process concepts like a boy with long hair.

There have been times when I've directed choices about what to wear/ when, and it's striking a balance between young children expressing themselves and not facing the burden of peoples' stupidity before they have the confidence and skills to deal with it.

Can we live in the real world here, kids are cruel, and they're picking on a boy wearing girls shoes. Simple

Frankly the little girl that made the comment was neither a bully nor cruel.

Children are little scientists discovering the patterns of human existence. They find the patterns in language and also the patterns in what is permitted for each sex. Obviously pink and sparkly being a monopoly of girls is very entrenched in 2021 and that is not her fault. But with the level of conformism demonstrated on this thread, women would never have got the vote, let alone been able to study to be doctors, instead of nurses.

If your son wants to wear them,arm him with some responses. One of mine has long hair . Since he was 3, he has been able to say (in quite a pithy tone) "I'm a boy. With long hair". Whenever anyone refers to him as a girl. My other son likes pink (and any other colours) he used to say "pink isn't a girls colour, it's just 'a colour'". Now he's more likely to say that he doesn't subscribe to outdated gender stereotypes.

YABU. Regardless of whether it should be okay for boys to wear pink, it isn’t, and kids will laugh and point.

You have to adapt to the world you’re in, not hope you were in another one and expect people to act how you want them to.

If you don’t want kids to laugh at your son, don’t let him wear girls clothing. It’s that simple.

I find threads like these a little disingenuous. Yes, kids (and adults) should be able to wear what they like. But there's a difference between what should be the case and what currently is the case. Challenging this is a noble cause, but your choice entirely whether you include your son in this.

there's a difference between what should be the case and what currently is the case.

Not for three year olds at nursery. Don't overthink it.

I wonder why so many posters on here say their son was exactly the same wanting to wear pink and sequins and then tell of their daughter wanting everything boyish? How many choices are influenced by the parents for both children to not conform to "normal" stereotypes of clothing. 🤔

I think in my son's case it was the sequins rather than the pink, probably. He had very colourful clothes as a toddler and now has gone a bit goth.

His little sister also liked choosing her own style and has tended to opt for rainbows and tutus. She also likes flippy sequins but currently prefers blue to pink.

How many choices are influenced by the parents for both children to not conform to "normal" stereotypes of clothing.

At three years old, none at all. Three year olds don't care. It was older sister's playmate who laughed.

seaandsandcastles

YABU. Regardless of whether it should be okay for boys to wear pink, it isn’t, and kids will laugh and point.“

Wasn’t our experience with our 3 year olds, 23 and 15 years ago.

This thread is depressing.

Thankfully, neither of ours give a monkey’s what other people think anyway.

@always2tired

I wonder why so many posters on here say their son was exactly the same wanting to wear pink and sequins and then tell of their daughter wanting everything boyish? How many choices are influenced by the parents for both children to not conform to "normal" stereotypes of clothing. 🤔

Or... It's a thread about ways in which children don't conform to stereotypes so people are describing the way their children do this.

So, for example, I may have told you that my DS has long hair, wears the girls' uniform to school etc and DD shaves her head and wears the boys' uniform. But start a new thread and ask a different question about conformity and I'll tell you how DS's friendship groups structure their play and how DD likes learning make up skills from YouTube and dressing up in v ethereal elf cosplay.

Because isn't the point that left to our own devices, none of us fit into the stereotypes and most of us break them in some way. I have hobbies and interests which are attended by only men apart from me, I don't wear make up or do any kind of beautification stuff but I wear dresses sometimes and braid my hair. Why would my children be any different in their myriad choices?

always2tired
I wonder why so many posters on here say their son was exactly the same wanting to wear pink and sequins and then tell of their daughter wanting everything boyish? How many choices are influenced by the parents for both children to not conform to "normal" stereotypes of clothing. 🤔

Less I imagine than the number of children who are heavily influenced by parents who decide what is “appropriate” for girls and boys.

Our son had a friend who at 7 was told by his dad that he couldn’t go to dance class, because he didn’t want him turning out a “poof”. That was 11 years ago and I’d really hoped such ridiculous attitudes were long gone. Reading this thread, they clearly aren’t.

I think its very cruel to knowingly leave him vulnerable to being laughed at, which he will be, rightly or wrongly

@MrsSkylerWhite You can wear rose tinted glasses if you want.

Hardly rose tinted glasses. It’s what we experienced with our 3 year olds, years ago. No-one ever picked on them for their interesting choices at nursery.

I have boy/girl twins and DS often wore DD's clothes to.playgroup. My FIL said this would "turn him gay". It hasn't, so far (he's 27). But as he grew up he chose to dress more like his mates. Other than this fascinating info, I have no advice

@isadoradancing123

I think its very cruel to knowingly leave him vulnerable to being laughed at, which he will be, rightly or wrongly

And is it cruel to knowingly force your child to conform? Where do you draw the line? My DD is gay for example. She's been bullied and has met some nasty homophobia. Is it up to me to teach her to hide that part of herself? Or when she was sexually assaulted at 12, was it her fault for not wearing baggier clothes and hiding her developing body? At what point do other people's poor choices become the focus rather than our children's bodily autonomy? DS slept over at a friend's house recently and took his toy monkey and blanket because he'd never stayed with a friend before and was nervous. He might have been teased for this. Should I have denied him the comfort and security? Or should we teach other children better behaviours instead?

I think childhood is a time when children should be able to explore freely what they like and dislike. Children shouldn't be encouraged to feel shame for liking a particular colour or type of clothing and children who say unkind things to other children should be discouraged by teachers and parents, rather than a child being expected to stop wearing a colour they love. We live in a world that is changing a lot and is becoming much more accepting. In order for that acceptance to be ingrained into future generations and more pronounced, children need to be taught to be more accepting of differences. Young children are naturally accepting of differences, they can be curious and honest about what they think, but that's different to being unkind. and I would like to think that by the time current nursery aged children are teens, the outdated concept of colours being associated with a particular sex will be the thing that's laughed at. I find it ridiculous, a colour is a colour. How it ever even got associated with the sex of a person in the first place baffles me. I wonder who or what decided blue = boy, pink = girl in the past.
To answer your question I would let him wear the pink shoes if he wants to wear them. Let him explore what he likes or dislikes now and teach him to stand strong and resilient in the choices he is allowed to make.