Boy wearing pink shoes

[bruntontrex]

My son is 3 and very much influenced by his big sister. He's never been told 'boys like blue and girls like pink' so he, quite rightly, assumes all clothing and shoes are freely used by all genders. He loves ballet tutus and flowery tops just as much as he loves dinosaur wellies and monster truck jumpers.
Recently he's acquired a pair of pink sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes which his sister grew out of last year. He has asked several times to wear them to nursery which we've allowed him to do without hesitation.

This morning my daughter tells me 'a girl at nursery was laughing because she said my brother was wearing my shoes' and it's broken my heart. Although these were his sisters shoes I'm 100% confident this comment is based on the fact that they are pink and not because she's seen my daughter wearing them- don't imagine a 4 year old would remember the footwear of her classmate 1 year on.

Some of my most traumatic memories as a child were being laughed at by other kids and I despise that this has happened to my child. In honesty, he has not seemed bothered by this and is quite happily wearing the shoes to nursery today, however AIBU for not safeguarding him from peer ridicule by letting him think that it's not 'different' for boys to wear 'girls' shoes?
Or alternatively, AIBU by overreacting to one comment?

most will give odd looks and some will make comments.

Oh well, I suppose it's who you know really. But I wouldn't expect anyone to give "odd looks" in a nursery for age-approprate behaviour. Never mind cruel comments.

The sparkly tutu was the outfit all the nursery kids wanted to wear, boy or girl. How miserable would it be to say only the girls ever got it?

This is a nonsense topic to be writing about on here.as in a three year old wearing some coloured shoes, and then stating things about your own childhood. Do you seriously think, that if someone laughs about a child's coloured shoes, it is seriously going to affect a three year old.. ?Head wobble needed.

Can't currently escape the stereotyping. I think you either say "fuck that" and encourage children not to care if someone points out they aren't confirming, or you can help and encourage them to conform. I think either can be right in certain circumstances. But the former attitude is what will bring change.

DS looked fabulous on world book Day as a princess.

What is your alternative, are you going to tell him he can't wear something he wants because people will laugh? How would that make him feel and what sort of message does that send to him and his sister? Teach them to be confident in their own choices which in turn will teach them to respect others

I like this comment.

I am a bit shocked at how many people on mumsnet think it is outré for a little boy to wear pink shoes, but I'm also sad that the nursery workers didn't pick up on the little girl's comment and take it as an opportunity to desegregate the colours.

Children do pick up on all our sexist cues about what girls and boys can wear and do, but it is up to the adults to educate them that we have more choices

Not everyone is as liberally minded as you. If you want to guarantee he won't be laughed at, dress him in boys clothes. Let him wear his pink frilly stuff at home. Appropriate dressing isn't a crime, it's a fact of life, like it or not

@DeepaBeesKit

I would add that some 4 year olds will absolutely remember clothing. I handed a bag of my sons old things to a friend for her younger child. The next time we saw them he wearing something he commented "I used to wear that jumper!" He hadnt worn it in at least 18m

One of my earliest memories is being 3 years old and refusing to wear a spotty dress because I had chicken pox

@Themirrorcracked

In my experience as the keeper of a long haired, pink wearing ballet dancing boy it can be helpful to drop into conversation naturally that these things are unusual, that way they aren’t totally bewildered when some other child laughs at it (because they will). So for example I would ask my son “which shoes do you want” and if he chose a very pink glittery pair I would say “yes, aren’t they lovely. Did you know some people think boys shouldn’t wear pink? Funny eh?” And over time it sort of sank in that some of his choices were outside the ‘usual’ but that that was fine. So when people have said boys can’t have x or do y he was just said I know a lot don’t but I do because I like it/them. The blunt response seems to shut down most teasing.

I really like this approach, I am making a mental note for future conversations with DS! (His favourite colours are pink and purple)

The Junior Engineer had, at one point, hair halfway down his back (because Vikings and D&D role-playing and goths and all those things, he's 11) and when he started secondary school came home and said "I want to cut my hair mum, the PE teacher said I look like a girl."

We talked it over as to whether he wanted to cut his hair because he wanted to have short hair, or he wanted to cut his hair because of what people said. We decided, he and I, that a) the PE teacher made a mistake and that's OK, b) people who make fun of how other people choose to look are dickheads , and c) as long as his hair was neat, clean and safe, he can do what the hell he likes with what's on his own head. We cut it to shoulder length in the end so he can keep it tidy himself easier without having to use a hairband, bur further than that - dickheads gonna dick, but doesn't mean he's obliged to listen.

DS is currently 13 and has long hair with an undercut.

He borrows his sister's hairbands to keep his hair out of his eyes for fencing.

Your son is not defined by pink shoes, he will not be traumatised by not wearing them to nursery anymore than he will be traumatised by not being allowed to wear a superman outfit to school. If you don't want other children to notice he is wearing something that other boys don't then I would just tell him that they are his sisters shoes so ok to wear at home but he has his own shoes to wear out.

My children wear what they like, regardless of whether it's 'boys' or 'girls'.
Tell your daughter what a silly thing that is to say, and ask her what us it that stops boys from wearing pink. Other girl is probably a bit of a bully, I'd frame it as they're quite the numpty.

My very boyish son was (and still is at the current age of 10) rather fond of a pink colour.

I remember him proudly crossing the schoolyard on his sister's old pink scooter, when one of the boys laughed and shouted: "oi your scooter is pink!". We all - my son, his big sister and myself - turned around and simultaneously said: 'And....?' and that was the end of it.

The key point here is that he himself doesn't feel defensive about it, according to him 'pink is just a colour.'

@WhenPushComesToShove

Not everyone is as liberally minded as you. If you want to guarantee he won't be laughed at, dress him in boys clothes. Let him wear his pink frilly stuff at home. Appropriate dressing isn't a crime, it's a fact of life, like it or not

Agreed. In an ideal world, people could wear anything they wanted but the sad fact is, someone might make an unkind comment. We can choose to brazen it out or conform. Children are just as capable of saying something horrible as adults.

@MrsRussell

The Junior Engineer had, at one point, hair halfway down his back (because Vikings and D&D role-playing and goths and all those things, he's 11) and when he started secondary school came home and said "I want to cut my hair mum, the PE teacher said I look like a girl."

We talked it over as to whether he wanted to cut his hair because he wanted to have short hair, or he wanted to cut his hair because of what people said. We decided, he and I, that a) the PE teacher made a mistake and that's OK, b) people who make fun of how other people choose to look are dickheads , and c) as long as his hair was neat, clean and safe, he can do what the hell he likes with what's on his own head. We cut it to shoulder length in the end so he can keep it tidy himself easier without having to use a hairband, bur further than that - dickheads gonna dick, but doesn't mean he's obliged to listen.

Love this response :)

Also, I just don't think it is fair for us expect to break gender stereotypes for our girls and not afford the same for our boys.

I always understood shoes should not be passed down anyway because they take on the individual form of the child's foot.

Whilst yes they can wear anything, for nursery I think practical shoes that it doesn't matter if they get paint or mud them are a better idea. I would think that nurseries would prefer it if girls didn't wear them either - brand awareness starts young and it's not fair on those whose parents can't afford £50 for shoes

@Comedycook

In theory, he should be able to wear what he wants. No child should be making fun or mocking another.

In practice, surely you must have known this would have happened?

As someone with a pink shoe wearing boy, I agree with this post. We remind our children that all clothing is just clothing - not boys or girls.

Now my son is a bit older and considering a purchase, I remind him if he wants an item, eg a coat, that he'll need to wear it in school and is he still happy with it?

"They're your shoes and youre a boy. So they're clearly boys shoes too." Is something I've say often.

The world wont change for my kid, but hopefully the world is slowly changing in this regard. But you need to accept that its still a little backward.

@frumpety

True, my dp has pink shirts, flowery shirts etc for work, the kind you pair with ties (well he doesn't general wear one but the style).

But for some reason there's this demarcation of boys and girls clothes pre teenage at least (I've seen teen boys in pink non feminine clothes). That said for nursery I would put mine in £5 trainers because they got wrecked!

@1forAll74

This is a nonsense topic to be writing about on here.as in a three year old wearing some coloured shoes, and then stating things about your own childhood. Do you seriously think, that if someone laughs about a child's coloured shoes, it is seriously going to affect a three year old.. ?Head wobble needed.

Yes, it absolutely does effect children.

Have you never seen a young toddler be completely insistent in their understanding, and how upset they are when theyre told theyre wrong?

My son wasnt distraught but I do remember the look of confusion he had when a bunch of children were telling him he had girls socks on. "They're not girls socks, they're my socks" "But they are girls socks".. and repeat. They stopped sharpish when I walked over and told them they were not girls socks, they were GloBoys socks and just changed the subject.

Really good summary of it @GloGirl
Was struggling to look at all the messages and draw a conclusion for myself but you've hit the nail on the head there

@bruntontrex

Really good summary of it *@GloGirl* Was struggling to look at all the messages and draw a conclusion for myself but you've hit the nail on the head there

I agree *@GloGirl*'s summary was great.

But did you notice the difference in her reaction there OP?

She walked over to the children and dealt with it. She didn't mention being 'heartbroken' or feeling bad that she couldn't 'protect' him.

Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and put your emotions to one side.

Perhaps easier said that done but he's 3, so you have many years of this sort of thing ahead for all different reasons.

I'm sorry? Can we live in the real world here, kids are cruel, and they're picking on a boy wearing girls shoes. Simple. I would never allow my son to wear pink shoes or a sparkly dress. It's only recently this has become a thing to allow boys and girls wear what they want, but come on
I actually think you're being quite cruel in allowing your son to wear girl things. Sorry but that's my opinion..Let all the snowflakes who are offended by everything unleash :-)

it's broken my heart.

Overreaction much ?

It's much more important to show DC how to be resilient in the face of criticism, to shrug it off, than to try and protect him from it for ever.

It's the risk you take when letting him wear them and I think you need to be very careful. What should be the case and what actually is the case are two different things. You need to remember that bullying can persist for years. Him being laughed at for pink shoes might not bother him at three, but he's getting close to the age where children start to remember things. If he wears pink shoes at six for example, bullies will still be calling him out on it when he's ten - even if he decides he doesn't like pink anymore and hasn't worn them for years.

This is why I think you need to protect him and not allow him to wear them. Once Pandora's Box is opened, the things unleashed can't be put back in. As I say, what's right and what's real are not the same thing.