Boy wearing pink shoes

[bruntontrex]

My son is 3 and very much influenced by his big sister. He's never been told 'boys like blue and girls like pink' so he, quite rightly, assumes all clothing and shoes are freely used by all genders. He loves ballet tutus and flowery tops just as much as he loves dinosaur wellies and monster truck jumpers.
Recently he's acquired a pair of pink sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes which his sister grew out of last year. He has asked several times to wear them to nursery which we've allowed him to do without hesitation.

This morning my daughter tells me 'a girl at nursery was laughing because she said my brother was wearing my shoes' and it's broken my heart. Although these were his sisters shoes I'm 100% confident this comment is based on the fact that they are pink and not because she's seen my daughter wearing them- don't imagine a 4 year old would remember the footwear of her classmate 1 year on.

Some of my most traumatic memories as a child were being laughed at by other kids and I despise that this has happened to my child. In honesty, he has not seemed bothered by this and is quite happily wearing the shoes to nursery today, however AIBU for not safeguarding him from peer ridicule by letting him think that it's not 'different' for boys to wear 'girls' shoes?
Or alternatively, AIBU by overreacting to one comment?

I find it interesting that when little boys wear pink, its seen as bit odd, yet grown men can and do wear pink shirts/pants/trousers with absolute impunity, why is that ?

Maybe read the poem Bedecked ?

Tell me it’s wrong the scarlet nails my son sports or the toy store rings
he clusters four jewels to each finger.

He’s bedecked. I see the other mothers looking at the star choker,
the rhinestone strand he fastens over a sock.
Sometimes I help him find sparkle clip-ons when he says sticker earrings
look too fake.

Tell me I should teach him it’s wrong to love the glitter that a boy’s only
a boy who’d love a truck with a remote that revs,
battery slamming into corners or Hot Wheels loop-de-looping off tracks
into the tub. [continues]

www.loc.gov/programs/poetry-and-literature/poet-laureate/poet-laureate-projects/poetry-180/all-poems/item/poetry-180-129/bedecked/?loclr=blogpoe

Who appointed some 3yo the gender police, anyway?

@Skinnytailedsquirrel

OP what do you mean by "all genders"?? There are 2 sexes. Your son is a boy.

I think you're confusing sex and gender.

She literally said 'all genders', not 'all sexes'.

Put him in some trainers FFS, pink if he must, not in his sister's cast off shoes

@frumpety

I find it interesting that when little boys wear pink, its seen as bit odd, yet grown men can and do wear pink shirts/pants/trousers with absolute impunity, why is that ?

Probably because they're designed for men.

If they turned up at work wearing their sister's pink, sparkly shoes, I'm sure they'd get judged by colleagues although as adults in the workplace, they'd probably keep it to themselves, unlike 3 year olds at nursery.

Complain to the nursery, mention the girl’s name. Comments like this from a 4 yo are usually bullying related. That girl is definitely saying worse to the other kids otherwise your DD wouldnt be so upset.

@bruntontrex

Didn't realise Lelli Kellis were so coveted within the toddler community!

At that age, my DS would have loved a pair of Lelli Kelly shoes - he was obsessed with them and all things pink and sparkly. I would have bought the shoes but they were just too expensive for me.

He did have pink crocs though, when he was about 9, and various other pink sparkly things.

The gendering of clothes, toys, etc was something we worked really hard to eliminate in the 80s and 90s.

But it's worse now than I can ever remember.

@Ozanj

Complain to the nursery, mention the girl’s name. Comments like this from a 4 yo are usually bullying related. That girl is definitely saying worse to the other kids otherwise your DD wouldnt be so upset.

You have no evidence for that at all.

The child is 4 years old and you've marked her down as a 'bully', because she laughed at something she thought strange and doesn't see every day?

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't mention it to the nursery but come on, this is a 4 year old you're talking about.

@DeepaBeesKit

Is your son even bothered that anyone laughed?

Teach him to shrug it off. But be aware that the vast majority of people tend to stick to either rather gender stereotyped or neutral clothing options and children who stick out will face questions.

By age 4 as well children do notice the biological differences eg that girls don't have penises and they do begin to somewhat categorise - i assume it's part of their self awareness developing.

While a person of either sex can wear whatever they want, boys and girls are different.

It is important for a child to be clear about what biological sex they are, otherwise they get very confused about the realities - my son asked if one day he would have a baby inside his tummy and I explained only women do that.

Young children don't understand gender. You are simply a boy if you have a penis and a girl if you don't. They will usually see girls in pink sparkly shoes so will be confused by a boy wearing them.

I agree with this post but for some reason it's really irked me that you're describing girls by their absence of a penis. It should be you are simply a boy if you have a penis and a girl if you have a vagina not "a girl if you don't".

Girls aren't boys with missing penises.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Why leave a 3 year open to odd looks cruel comments from adults and peers?

What kind of adult gives a 3 year old odd looks or cruel comments? And if little kids make rude comments they can be corrected.

Lots. A few wil play nicely and say ";look at your lovely shoes" etc most will give odd looks and some will make comments.

God some of these replies are depressing.

Dd mostly chose her shoes and clothes from the boys section.

I equipped her with a few retorts, which she has had to use quite a few times, and then people just shut up because they she was never bothered by their stupid opinions.

Half the attitudes on this thread are why kids still think it's OK to comment on people's choices, which then turns into bullying.

Op build up resilience and confidence in your kids and let them wear whatever they want.

*Will

We quietly discouraged my DS from buying pink sparkly shoes as a 3 or 4 year old (exactly because my DH was hypersensitive about negative interactions from other kids)

We encouraged him to peacock in other ways though, he was very fond of fancy dress.

e.g age 11, he chose to appear in a school play as a pirate and took Johnny Depp as a model. Complete with dreadlocked wig, guyliner and mum's suede boots . He washed a lot of buckles and actually stopped traffic.

I guess we didn't want him to get inadvertently into situations where he might be teased when very little, but felt that we would support deliberate choices to be a bit unconventional later on, if he was sure that was what he wanted.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Why leave a 3 year open to odd looks cruel comments from adults and peers?

What kind of adult gives a 3 year old odd looks or cruel comments? And if little kids make rude comments they can be corrected.

in the last couple of years of junior school/senior school my eldest DC grew his hair down almost to his waist. His thing, and he was very comfortable with it. We were supportive, and gave him the freedom he needed to express himself. My son is gay, and grew up to be a surgeon. Some adults were however very judgmental. One SIL was deeply homophobic and we do not see them any more as a result. Be prepared OP for a small number of children and their parents to be horrid. Challenge it by all means, but such people exist from my experience.

Sad that some other child has made either of your children feel uncomfortable.
Your son and daughter should be allowed to wear whateverthefuck they want to, without being laughed at by ignorami.

The correct response is "So? He likes them, what's wrong with that?" and see what the laugher comes up with.

Both my boys were quite happy at playgroup, dressing up as fairies, bees, princesses, in play-heels, etc.
Both of them did dancing (for fitness, flexibility and core strength, as well as discipline) and both of them hate wearing stage make up but like the costumes. DS2, who developed very strong "Anti-girl-things" feelings at a very young age (fuck knows where from!) still has a lovely multi-coloured sequin top that was his favourite!

I really despair - we just can't escape the stupid gender stereotyping, no matter how much we try.

I think it's possible you're overreacting because of your own experiences. You said your son loves the shoes and wasn't bothered by the other child's comment, so I would let it be unless he comes to you and says he is upset / bothered. Personally, I also wouldn't complain to the nursery, unless it seems like it's turning into bullying. Everyone gets teased at least once, at some point. One has to learn to deal with small upsets / disagreements.

FWIW, I think kids have excellent memories when it's something they're interested in. We might not remember what someone wore a year ago, but if it was bright and sparkly enough to make an initial impression, most children will remember.

Also, my son loves pink and has always chosen pink shoes. So far, he's never been teased about them (at least, not that I'm aware of). He also loves things with sequins, as do most of his male friends.

@VickyEadieofThigh

The gendering of clothes, toys, etc was something we worked really hard to eliminate in the 80s and 90s.

But it's worse now than I can ever remember.

Yes it is. The pinking of all things "girl" and the dulling of all things "boy" was rampant in the 90s and 00s, and still continues. Fucking depressing how backwards we've gone.

In my experience as the keeper of a long haired, pink wearing ballet dancing boy it can be helpful to drop into conversation naturally that these things are unusual, that way they aren’t totally bewildered when some other child laughs at it (because they will).
So for example I would ask my son “which shoes do you want” and if he chose a very pink glittery pair I would say “yes, aren’t they lovely. Did you know some people think boys shouldn’t wear pink? Funny eh?” And over time it sort of sank in that some of his choices were outside the ‘usual’ but that that was fine. So when people have said boys can’t have x or do y he was just said I know a lot don’t but I do because I like it/them. The blunt response seems to shut down most teasing.

[quote TimeToDateAgain]Maybe read the poem Bedecked ?

Tell me it’s wrong the scarlet nails my son sports or the toy store rings
he clusters four jewels to each finger.

He’s bedecked. I see the other mothers looking at the star choker,
the rhinestone strand he fastens over a sock.
Sometimes I help him find sparkle clip-ons when he says sticker earrings
look too fake.

Tell me I should teach him it’s wrong to love the glitter that a boy’s only
a boy who’d love a truck with a remote that revs,
battery slamming into corners or Hot Wheels loop-de-looping off tracks
into the tub. [continues]

www.loc.gov/programs/poetry-and-literature/poet-laureate/poet-laureate-projects/poetry-180/all-poems/item/poetry-180-129/bedecked/?loclr=blogpoe[/quote]
thank you I love that

[quote RussianSpy101]@bruntontrex so why put him in a situation that you yourself were in as a child? Why allow your daughter to become upset because he has been laughed at. This was inevitable, you know this.[/quote]
@RussianSpy101 So not allow a boy to wear what they want, and re-enforce sexist stereotypes, because they may be laughed at? Um, shouldn't the point be that those doing the laughing should be told off? You have the totally wrong attitude!

Oh and my son loved flippy sequins. So we got him Star wars tops with flippy sequin light sabres (thank you Gap and Desigual)

@Watchingyou2sleezes

Put him in some trainers FFS, pink if he must, not in his sister's cast off shoes

he wants THOSE shoes

@VickyEadieofThigh

The gendering of clothes, toys, etc was something we worked really hard to eliminate in the 80s and 90s.

But it's worse now than I can ever remember.

That's kind of true, but it really only applied to girls' stuff and mostly involved the elimination of pink and sparkles.

Actually, looking back I think we missed a trick. Girls got to wear dungarees and I could hand clothes down to my brother because everything was brown, mustard, maroon, navy or green. We didn't actually open up the world of purple, pink, feathers, flowers and glitter to everyone (I'm talking 70s/early 80s - I wasn't in a phase of my life where I knew what little boys were wearing in the 90s so it might have been different).

Remember the "Pink Stinks" campaign? It should have been pink is for everyone, not the elimination of pink glittery shit. Small children fucking love pink glittery shit, why should little girls with gender-fixated parents get to hoard it all?

But I agree it's going backwards at a crazy rate. A mate's daughter got a whole heap of trouble a few years ago for daring to have short hair in Primary school. She was literally the only girl in the school to have short hair. The bloody hairdresser refused to cut it at first because she said she'd only change her mind and be upset.