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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boy wearing pink shoes

131 replies

bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 10:36

My son is 3 and very much influenced by his big sister. He's never been told 'boys like blue and girls like pink' so he, quite rightly, assumes all clothing and shoes are freely used by all genders. He loves ballet tutus and flowery tops just as much as he loves dinosaur wellies and monster truck jumpers.
Recently he's acquired a pair of pink sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes which his sister grew out of last year. He has asked several times to wear them to nursery which we've allowed him to do without hesitation.

This morning my daughter tells me 'a girl at nursery was laughing because she said my brother was wearing my shoes' and it's broken my heart. Although these were his sisters shoes I'm 100% confident this comment is based on the fact that they are pink and not because she's seen my daughter wearing them- don't imagine a 4 year old would remember the footwear of her classmate 1 year on.

Some of my most traumatic memories as a child were being laughed at by other kids and I despise that this has happened to my child. In honesty, he has not seemed bothered by this and is quite happily wearing the shoes to nursery today, however AIBU for not safeguarding him from peer ridicule by letting him think that it's not 'different' for boys to wear 'girls' shoes?
Or alternatively, AIBU by overreacting to one comment?

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 11:12

@WorraLiberty

And you're concentrating on the wrong child here.

Your DS wasn't bothered but your DD was, so you'll need to teach her about resilience in this case.

Absolutely.
Original poster
bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 11:16

Lots of answers to think about so far thank you everyone!
I feel like I should re-explain myself a little.
Typed my post in a hasty ride of emotion.
When I said safeguarding I meant more explaining to him.
I am unsure if I should be explaining to him that this could happen, people might laugh, or if I should just leave him be because he's happy as he is and why would I put that thought into his head?

Would it be cruel to let him go on thinking that everyone's going to accept him rocking up to nursery in a frilly pink top paired with Spider-Man joggers?

OP posts:
Original poster
bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 11:16

@WorraLiberty

And you're concentrating on the wrong child here.

Your DS wasn't bothered but your DD was, so you'll need to teach her about resilience in this case.

Do think this is a very good point!
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 11:21

Would it be cruel to let him go on thinking that everyone's going to accept him rocking up to nursery in a frilly pink top paired with Spider-Man joggers?

People are much less likely to pay any attention to what he's wearing if his outfit actually matches.

You don't have to let him completely choose his own outfit.

We let DD pick a top/dress she wants to wear then match the rest of the outfit for her.

gannett · 07/10/2021 11:24

I am unsure if I should be explaining to him that this could happen, people might laugh, or if I should just leave him be because he's happy as he is and why would I put that thought into his head?

Leave him be until that actually happens, surely?

And then if you do have to deal with that situation you can explain that he's not the problem, his tastes aren't the problem - the problem is the bullies who think everyone should fit into the boxes they deem appropriate. And that you'll support him in whatever he wants to wear but he should never feel the answer is to conform to what bullies want.

DeepaBeesKit · 07/10/2021 11:25

unless they’re influenced by parents with rigid ideas

Apologies, should also have specified that by age 4/5 many children have already picked up societal rigid gender ideas - pink toys and clothes in shops marketed at girls, adults with strong gender ideas (grandma takes Poppy to cook in the kitchen whild grandad takes Bertie out with him to fix the car etc), tv advertising etc. Films like Frozen feature girls in pretty colourful dress and masculine men in dark/sober trousers and tops etc.

Some don't but where I live plenty do, sadly. None if the girls in my son's reception class are wearing trousers or shorts, & all have obviously "girl" mary jane type school shoes, and they are only 4. Sadly it is the world we live in. Change is slow.

godmum56 · 07/10/2021 11:27

@gannett

I am unsure if I should be explaining to him that this could happen, people might laugh, or if I should just leave him be because he's happy as he is and why would I put that thought into his head?

Leave him be until that actually happens, surely?

And then if you do have to deal with that situation you can explain that he's not the problem, his tastes aren't the problem - the problem is the bullies who think everyone should fit into the boxes they deem appropriate. And that you'll support him in whatever he wants to wear but he should never feel the answer is to conform to what bullies want.

yup, this
godmum56 · 07/10/2021 11:28

@girlmom21

Would it be cruel to let him go on thinking that everyone's going to accept him rocking up to nursery in a frilly pink top paired with Spider-Man joggers?

People are much less likely to pay any attention to what he's wearing if his outfit actually matches.

You don't have to let him completely choose his own outfit.

We let DD pick a top/dress she wants to wear then match the rest of the outfit for her.

why are you expecting your child to conform to the expectations of others?
Mybalconyiscracking · 07/10/2021 11:31

There are lots of strong PC reasons for letting him wear what he wants etc. But a child is not a social experiment and with the world as it ( regrettably) is you will make his life much easier if you keep the Lelli Kelly’s for home use only.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 11:32

@godmum56 I'm not expecting her to conform to the expectation of others - what a strange accusation.

RussianSpy101 · 07/10/2021 11:32

You were traumatised by being laughed at as a child yet sent your son to nursery in pink glittery shoes. You’ve set him up for a fail. He would be laughed at here too. Buy him some shoes of his own ffs and if you can’t afford that price shoe for him then buy him cheaper boys shoes. This is fucking ridiculous honestly.

TaRaLa · 07/10/2021 11:35

@ditalini

I'd have a quiet word with the nursery about reminding the children that you don't point and laugh at other children about their appearance and that boys and girls can both wear whatever they like.

Little children will do this and it's adults' job to teach them to be open to others who are different to them.

This, as a lot of people’s nurseries seem to heavily gender kids and reinforce pink blue stereotypes sadly.
Original poster
bruntontrex · 07/10/2021 11:36

@RussianSpy101

You were traumatised by being laughed at as a child yet sent your son to nursery in pink glittery shoes. You’ve set him up for a fail. He would be laughed at here too. Buy him some shoes of his own ffs and if you can’t afford that price shoe for him then buy him cheaper boys shoes. This is fucking ridiculous honestly.
I have seen plenty people express trauma from not being allowed to be who they are as children and so being laughed at by others is not the only issue at hand here.

He has several pairs of his own shoes, I can afford to dress my child.

OP posts:
KittenKong · 07/10/2021 11:38

@Comedycook

In theory, he should be able to wear what he wants. No child should be making fun or mocking another.

In practice, surely you must have known this would have happened?

This is true. My sister always had to have ‘boys’ clothes, haircut, toys... granted this was in the 70s when it wasn’t quite so bonkers as it it now, wait we were aware of the potential for bullying. I still remember a mum dragging her (loudly protesting) son to our front door because she had beaten him up for bullying her - and look on the mums face when she saw my petite sister standing behind my mum. The mum just looked at her, looked at her son then walked away (dragging the son) and didn’t say anything. But I digress...

If he wants to wear them then yes, some kids will be horrible about it. So what did you prep him to say?

Yes aren’t they nice?
Bet you wish you had a pair
I like them
Why is pink for girls ?
How can a colour be for boys or girls only?
You are wearing a BLUE coat - is that a boy coat then?
Boys in Holland used to wear pink...

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 11:42

I have seen plenty people express trauma from not being allowed to be who they are as children and so being laughed at by others is not the only issue at hand here.

You need to relax a bit and stop overthinking and trying to pre-emt every little thing that may or may not occur in their childhoods.

Unfortunately we can't bubble wrap them and not everything that happens to them will be your fault.

There are times when you have to learn to be reactive rather than constantly trying to be preactive, or you'll wear yourself out.

TheWatersofMarch · 07/10/2021 11:43

A girl in my daughter's primary school class consistently wore 'boys' clothes right through. The culture at the school was Christian values, kindness, inclusivity and tolerance and no adult batted an eye lid and the children were matter of fact. I think anyone commenting would have been despised and laughed at.
Ask the Nursery to reinforce to the children and parents that children can wear what they like and only kind comments are allowed.
We can't collude in enforcing gender expression on little children.

MistyFrequencies · 07/10/2021 11:43

My 3 year old son is in nursery right now in purple and silver glitter Minnie mouse shoes with bow on them. He LOVES them.

I fully intend to let him wear what he wants. If someone upsets him re this then we will have a chat about how he can manage that. But until then he can wear what he wants.

My daughter once told me she got laughed at at school for wearing boys shoes - they were navy and had spiderman on them- I asked her what she said and she said she laughed back at the child and said "that's so dumb that you think there are boys and girls shoes, ha ha". Maybe not the kindest response but she hasn't been bullied since and wore some digger Welly boots the other day.

EnidFrighten · 07/10/2021 11:49

He wears what he wants, and deals with the consequences. Or else he wears less conspicuous stuff.

Nursery should address children being unkind to each other, but ultimately kids are going to say stuff to each other and establish group mentalities. Many kids at nursery will be brought up in homes where pink is for girls and blue is for boys etc, nursery workers have a tricky line to tread to address this without overtly contradicting those parents and reducing their authority.

RussianSpy101 · 07/10/2021 11:57

@bruntontrex so why put him in a situation that you yourself were in as a child? Why allow your daughter to become upset because he has been laughed at. This was inevitable, you know this.

JonSnowedUnder · 07/10/2021 12:01

My youngest son (I have three - no girls) wears a fair amount of pink - he is 4 and none of his classmates have said anything as far as I'm aware. I let all my kids pick their own clothes and shoes within reason as I remember my own mum making me wear certain things which I hated and that probably effected me just as much as if other kids had laughed.

What is your alternative, are you going to tell him he can't wear something he wants because people will laugh? How would that make him feel and what sort of message does that send to him and his sister? Teach them to be confident in their own choices which in turn will teach them to respect others.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 07/10/2021 12:02

When DS was at nursery he brought in a bright pink toothbrush and the girls told him that pink toothbrushes were for girls. The staff told them different. Bright fuschia pink was DS's favourite colour but after he started school his allegience shifted from pink to red.

I remember seeing the biggest boy at nursery wearing the pink sparkly fairy tutu from the dressing up box (DS looked fantastic in a yellow silk Samurai suit) At three years old it doesn't matter unless DS or DD are upset in which case the nursery staff should have a word to the other girl(s). He's not wearing sparkly shoes all the time and it should be fine on occasion.

Yaya26 · 07/10/2021 12:04

@Mybalconyiscracking

There are lots of strong PC reasons for letting him wear what he wants etc. But a child is not a social experiment and with the world as it ( regrettably) is you will make his life much easier if you keep the Lelli Kelly’s for home use only.
This.

I must be a dinosaur. I have two sons (6)and a daughter. The all love playing dolls. The boys be plastered in make up time to time to time when it's dress up. I tend to put them in jeans/sweatshirts. If one of them put on his sisters shoes to go to nursery I'd just say "no darling go put on your school shoes" Why leave a 3 year open to odd looks cruel comments from adults and peers?

Skinnytailedsquirrel · 07/10/2021 12:04

OP what do you mean by "all genders"?? There are 2 sexes. Your son is a boy.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 07/10/2021 12:06

Why leave a 3 year open to odd looks cruel comments from adults and peers?

What kind of adult gives a 3 year old odd looks or cruel comments? And if little kids make rude comments they can be corrected.

NewlyGranny · 07/10/2021 12:06

It's the other child who needs a quiet word from the adult in charge here, about not poking fun at others. Your DS loves the shoes - who wouldn't? - and he'll have outgrown them in 5 minutes. Leave him be to wear what he likes. There's all the rest of his adult life for black Oxfords and brown brogues!