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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

134 replies

Muddylane · 06/10/2021 20:15

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 06/10/2021 20:18

Well obviously she needs to sell the house and ditch the dodo...

Purplewithred · 06/10/2021 20:19

Stop supporting her financially - they are living well beyond their means if he's unable to work. They need to face the future sensibly.

debbs77 · 06/10/2021 20:19

Sell the house and let her move in with you

Rainbowqueeen · 06/10/2021 20:20

I’d pay for DD to have therapy. She needs to ditch this loser. Therapy might make her see that

Elephantsbreath9 · 06/10/2021 20:20

I think keep supporting them if you can afford to, as missing the mortgage payments will destroy your daughter’s credit rating. But I would give them an ultimatum like: I will support you if you list the house for sale, and I’ll help you until it’s sold but I can’t help you after that.

But offer that DD and partner could stay with you when its sold - if you can stand that!

Tellmeee · 06/10/2021 20:21

Yes they need to make other plans if the partner won’t/can’t work eg sell up.

I wouldn’t be paying their mortgage for them.

YodaiamsaidI · 06/10/2021 20:24

I'd support on condition house was sold and offer Dd to move back home,the if can sort himself out and I say this as someone with mh myself and unable to work at present.

Original poster
Muddylane · 06/10/2021 20:28

Thanks, I think some sort of therapy might help her see the way forward

OP posts:
User57327259 · 06/10/2021 20:29

I could be too suspicious but maybe the partner had this planned all along. If he has done it before it looks like his plan!

DD needs to sell the house. Offer her to come back to stay with you but make it clear that the OH is not included in that offer.

What contribution is his family making to the upkeep of the house, the general bills and the food shopping for DD and her OH?

Dont let yourself be taken for a fool

skatewanker · 06/10/2021 20:29

They need to move to a cheaper house.

Milly90 · 06/10/2021 20:30

Yanbu stop topping her up. She needs to sell. Agree therapy would be a good idea.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 06/10/2021 20:35

I agree with the ultimatum - you'll support them for another 3 months, longer only as a bridge if the house is on the market at a realistic price to sell or the partner is starting a new job.

Therapy too if your daughter is willing.

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/10/2021 20:39

If they can't afford the house they need to sell it and get somewhere within their means.

It's all very well you offering to pay it but for how long?

This DP is really taking the piss isn't he?

God, there are some fucking useless men about.

Original poster
Muddylane · 06/10/2021 20:40

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 06/10/2021 20:44

Unfortunately you are enabling her partner, not helping them. She is an adult, she needs to learn to make her own mistakes, this man is obviously one and the more you keep "helping" the more that mistake will keep dragging on.

Elephantsbreath9 · 06/10/2021 20:47

@Muddylane

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.
Even if you tell her the truth that you won’t be able to afford to support her for much longer because of your changed income next year?

Besides, it’s not really ok for her to be angry. You’re helping her!

MichelleScarn · 06/10/2021 20:49

DD is in a low paid profession

Can dd leave and change her profession? What's seen by her as 'low paid'

YukoandHiro · 06/10/2021 20:49

Don't support her financially by paying the mortgage but logistically - offer her help with selling the property, pay for therapy, help her book an appt with a financial advisor

How do they own the property? Joint owners or tenants in common?

Tellmeee · 06/10/2021 20:50

Why would she blame you?

Chloemol · 06/10/2021 20:51

@Muddylane

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.
You have already said you can’t continue to support next year, so really that needs to start now

She is an adult, circumstances have changed, if her partner won’t get a job, won’t help her out in the house etc then it needs to be sold and they downsize

It’s not your fault, it’s her and her partnert need to shoulder the blame

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 06/10/2021 20:51

I think your DD would be best selling the house and buying one that is affordable.
If her DP is having some sort of breakdown I have some sympathy but that’s all the more reason for DD to take the reigns and sort out their situation.
Can you support her to make a budget and work out what an affordable mortgage on her salary would be?

TheLette · 06/10/2021 20:52

It seems odd that a partner in law hasn't got any interviews. I guess it depends on the area and the type of law he (she?) does but business is booming for most law firms. Lots of them made a record profit during the pandemic. So you might want to understand if he / she is really looking for work...

PickAChew · 06/10/2021 20:53

Well you can't subsidise a house they can't afford, indefinitely. They need to sell it.

Peppermint81 · 06/10/2021 20:53

Erm sounds like your DDs partner is actually really ill and needs help and care not casting out. She needs to have a talk with him about his health try to get him to go GP or pay for therapist.
You could help her write out a budget so he can see the situation. It might be stressing him out and making his condition worse and he will happy this getting addressed.
Sell the house and they can rent somewhere cheaper until he is well enough to work again. Living beyond your means will end up making her ill too.

Autumngoldleaf · 06/10/2021 20:53

Op if she was older with dc perhaps but in this scenario no.

It's a life lesson, you need to pull right back and leave them to it.