To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

[Muddylane]

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

Stop paying.

Offer to take her and her DD in, but say the house needs to be sold.

Partner sounds like a liability, tbh, and unless there are solid redeeming qualities, I probably wouldn't include him in the offer.

It’s not a choice between cutting them off financially or carrying on.

The middle ground is offering support in different ways, things like offering to support your daughter with seeking debt help, maybe getting a lodger or downsizing.

Is partner claiming any benefits?

Based on your update you’ve somewhat made a rod for your own back by enabling and babying your DD and not encouraging her to support herself. My parents are piss poor. When I was really struggling at uni and couldn’t find a job my mum sent me £50 for a food shop but they couldn’t afford to pay my mortgage even if they wanted to, even if I was about to go bankrupt. The option would simply not be there. I’m actually really thankful for this because it’s made me self-sufficient as I always knew there was nobody to bail me out if shit hit the fan. Frankly you’ve turned your DD into an incapable brat and you need to stop, right now. If she was my friend (I’m a similar age) I’d give her a damn good dose of home truths and tell her to start running her own life without mummy and daddy.

If he has mental health problems, then he needs help. Try to find a way to support them both in a way that is sustainable longer term. Perhaps it’s selling and finding somewhere cheaper?
I’m saddened by the responses of some of the posts here about mental health & questioning it. Any other illness and people wouldn’t respond like that:

I wouldn’t keep supporting financially, when you can’t afford to and the partner is not getting treatment. I would listen to your daughter and say that while your financial support will be ending that you’re there to listen and help her think through her options.

@Happymum12345

If he has mental health problems, then he needs help. Try to find a way to support them both in a way that is sustainable longer term. Perhaps it’s selling and finding somewhere cheaper? I’m saddened by the responses of some of the posts here about mental health & questioning it. Any other illness and people wouldn’t respond like that:

On the contrary people would be even worse about someone who had cancer and refused chemotherapy.

The thing is that by helping her at the moment you are also helping him. Save your money. She needs to divorce him and sell up.

He's not going to work again while he's living with her.

@Muddylane

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.

How can this possibly be your fault?

I don't think you have to go in all guns blazing. I think you can sit your DD down and have an adult conversation with her. You're worried about her and her DP, you have been happy to help but you can't carry on indefinitely. Does she have a plan? Is she receptive to ideas? And then go from there. But the future has to be you stepping back, with warning. Firstly stop with the food shop. That is the most infantilising aspect I think.

Therapy for DD is a good idea - you can sell it tactfully as ‘someone to talk to’ not a means to any particular end.

Poor DD. It is very hard to live with someone with mental health issues. You can’t fund them but I don’t think you should watch her break either. Can she come and stay with you if she needs a break?

They should be bloody ashamed carrying on like this.

You have created an entitled brat.

Does your ds get any financial help or is it just the precious dd?

He has mental health problems. If he isn't seeking help, these won't change. The financial system is unsustainable.

Your DD needs to see and accept this (does she or is she avoiding it?). If she is struggling to face it, you can suggest therapy in the hope she will see it there. You will need to pay for said therapy. Or if not, you can force her hand by turning off the money tap. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they try to climb back up. I would apply this to both your DD and her DP.

If there are even slight glimmers of action from either then really support them out from a bad place. Both your DD and her DP have some hard choices to make, and life is not turning out as promised. She needs to decide if she wants this pattern to be her life. The next 50 years are a long time to be stuck with someone like this who doesn't want to change

They need to reassess their earning potential and then adjust expenses accordingly so sell the house if her DP is not going to buck up and pay his way.
You are currently enabling him not to make a decision about his future in work. Of course I understand your original generous gestures bit it's time to stop and make them make adult decisions.

And don't forget that if your income is dropping soon, this is impacting on your ability to save for your own future.

It sounds as if the parner has had some kind of breakdown. They probably shouldn't have stretched themselves financially in their circumstances. Your DD a low earner and partner with form for quitting jobs. Sounds like they need to downsize.

@Muddylane

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.

She's 30.

If she blames you for not being able to be a grown up and pay her own bills then so be it.

She isn't a child anymore. She needs to take responsibility and all you are doing by paying her way, is infantilising her.

One day you won't be around.

1.DO NOT let dD bombard her credit... this is the ONE THING that will duck her over for ever more an affect her ability to borrow....

I've got a friend who supports her DH as he had a breakdown in his late 20's and she's still supporting him now and we're late 40's now. She's working her socks off whilst he refuses to get any help and is doing less and less in the house. My friend is climbing the walls now, trapped in her marriage and where she lives.

They need to sort their own lives out. Enabling this means they'll never change things. We know of people in their 50's still being supported by parents, it's bizarre.

Stop supporting her financially, but do let her know you will support her in other ways. I think it's best the sell the house, hopefully they will have built up some equity.

You're DD's parent, not DD's friend. If she lashes out at you, that's just part of being a parent - having your children sometimes blame you for things that aren't your fault, because they're upset, have no one else to blame, and they know you love them enough to forgive the behaviour.

Is DD's partner really ill? Are they doing all they can to get better? Who knows? It's not important though. The important thing is that DD and her partner cannot afford to live in the house as things stand. Everything else is speculation, this is the sole fact. It's financially unsustainable - whether DD stays with her partner or not, they can't stay in this house.

A lodger is probably out of the question even if they had the space - from the sounds of it, DD's partner would mess up the communal areas and make it unattractive for a lodger to use.

Would it be cheaper for them to rent a room in a house share?

Could you take DD and her partner in? Could you just take DD? Could her partner Iive with someone else?

If you can afford to continue to help, I would, but with a time limit. As PPs have said, 'give notice' for when your support will be withdrawn, to give DD and her partner something to work towards.

They can’t afford the house, I think that’s pretty clear. Secondly he is obviously ill yes. I think at the moment your DD needs to organise selling the house & then ensuring her partner is getting some treatment..yes be supportive of course but they can’t afford the house at this time; you shouldn’t be covering the mortgage. X

I don't think it's fair for posters to say she needs to LTB or call the partner a cocklodger. It sounds like they may have genuine mental health issues and it's OP's DD's choice to stay and support them or not. If they are this sick, it's also unlikely that they'll be able to go back to work without some serious intervention first.

The reality of having a partner with complex mental health issues though is that they need to find a way to make it work on her income long term. A large mortgage and you topping them up is not sustainable. I think the 3 month ultimatum is a good one.

There is a lot that you can still do to support her without the financial support. Help her to work out what is affordable, help her to navigate moving them out, support her emotionally etc.

How about something like this:

Dear DD my income will be dropping next year and I can’t afford to keep helping you in the way I have been. What I lend you now will need to be a loan I’m afraid and from next year I won’t be able to help like this. If you can’t see your situation changing soon you will need to decide whether to sell up or rent out your house. If you start thinking about this now and manage not to miss any payments then you will be able to buy much more easily in future than if you start missing payments or get repossessed. Please don’t leave it to become a crises next year when I can’t help anymore. Hopefully you will get some equity from house price rises that you can keep as a deposit to buy again. You need to talk it through with partner and decide what you are going to do.

Even if you decide not to ask for your money back in the end suggesting that it is now a loan will at least make them mindful that they are clocking up debt (perhaps to be settled from the sale of their house) at 1K a month or something and provide a little urgency rather than just “free money”

Good luck OP. I hope they can work something out.

You clearly dislike the partner so I have no idea why you’re financing her life.

Seems there are two issues..one is a house they can't afford, the other is partners mental health.
First one can easily be fixed by selling up.
I would suggest that you say you will no longer financially support them paying into a house they can't afford, but if they sell up (avoiding financial ruin), you will help them find a place to rent/let them stay with you/pay for therapy to figure out a way forward and support DD in supporting her partners struggles.